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The W - Guest Columns - WWE RAW: May 16, 2005
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Since: 2.1.02
From: Ottawa, Ontario

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Attitude - Entertainment - Eric Bischoff... After 3 years, he’s still here. I seriously would NOT have put money down on that.

The Superkick heard round the world on Shelton Benjamin has been added to the opening credits.

PYRO! PYRO! PYRO! Ears are bleeding, and RAW is on the air! We are LIVE from Omaha, Nebraska - and it wouldn’t be Monday night without the irritable JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER. It’s all about the finals of the Gold Rush tournament tonight! But first...


What’s the over/under on Vince re-uniting The Twin Towers in order to feud with our Arab friends? I’m well aware one half of the team is dead, but in this case it might help. Benjamin and Jericho team to beat the hell out of the foreigners, and next thing you know, they’re eating a twin Stinger Splash. The ring is cleared, and together our suddenly bosom buddies hit a double slingshot plancha. Jericho and Daivari get back in, and Chris chops away. A backdrop connects, and Benjamin tags in. The crowd is SUPER hot here, as well they should be in the presence of an ass-kicking God. Benjamin nails a clothesline, but turns his back for a second, and Hassan hits a backbreaker. “LET’S GO SHELTON” chant erupts while Daivari works a chinlock. Benjamin escapes and throws a clothesline - but Hassan quickly cuts off the ring. A double suplex gets a 2 for Hassan. Shelton snaps off a Samoan drop, shoves Hassan away, and Jericho gets the hot tag. Flying jalapeno, dance on the back, and running enzuigiri hit in quick succession. A top rope crossbody gets 2 before Daivari saves. Benjamin and Daivari head out to the floor, and Jericho goes for the Walls on Hassan. Daivari distracts, but takes a springboard dropkick! Hassan QUICKLY heads in with the Flatliner, and scores the pin at 6:02. *** Wicked hot opener, and I suppose the right guys went over since they’re one of the closest things to a real tag-team we’ve got these days. Benjamin tries to comfort Jericho, but Chris opts to skulk off to the back.

CHRIS BENOIT and TAJIRI meet in the back. They tell eachother they were both contacted by Paul Heyman for the ECW PPV - and Benoit suggests warming eachother up in an ECW rules match tonight. STEVEN REGAL thinks they’re both insane, and asks Tajiri to reconsider. Tajiri begs him to let it happen, and Regal tells him to go ahead.

Let us go back to one week ago where Triple H leaves, and hopefully never returns.

ERIC BISCHOFF is in a meeting with RIC FLAIR, and THE COACH busts in. He tries to tell Bischoff about the ECW match, but Bischoff’s not listening. Flair asks Bischoff to call Triple H - but Bischoff’s not playing ball. He tells Flair to handle it himself, because he doesn’t care.

Flair storms into the hall and calls out DAVE. “Everything that’s wrong in my life right now is because of you.” Batista says he has nothing to do with this, and figures Triple H is his own problem. In fact, the only person Batista feels he owes anything to is Ric Flair, since it started with him and not Hunter. “I have nothing but respect for you, but you’re wrong, this is not my fault.” Flair goes off towards his match, but Batista stops him and gives Flair a “WOOOO!”

RIC FLAIR vs. CHRISTIAN (with Tyson Tomko)

Flair struts around the ring, which Christian takes...for now. Off the lockup, Christian takes Flair down, and does a strut of his own! Flair doesn’t like THAT, and slaps Christian. Christian quickly responds with a punch to the face. Christian backdrops Flair, but Flair responds by sweeping out Christian’s legs and getting 2 with his feet on the ropes. They trade chops, which Flair wins easily, and it’s time for:


Top rope wins via Christian slam. Still undefeated.

Christian pounds away at Flair in the corner, and clotheslines him to the outside. Tomko rams Flair’s lower back into the ring, and Christian hauls him back in with a suplex for 2! Christian misses a blind charge, and Flair takes over with the chops once again. Christian responds with a WICKED Flair flop! Kneedrop to the back of the head, and NOW WE GO TO SCHOOL! Christian shoves him off, and Tomko gets in a cheapshot! Christian rolls him up using the ropes for leverage, but the referee sees it. Flair responds with a rollup with a handful of tights, which the ref totally misses of course, and he scores the pin at 2:26. *1/2 WAY too short, and the wrong guy went over. Christian and Tomko double team Flair after the match, which draws out DAVE. Spinebusters for some! Miniature American flags for everyone! Both guys then take a Demon bomb for kicks. Flair and Batista share an uneasy staredown, and the champ takes off.

EDGE spots LITA, and wants a word with her. “YOU SCREWED MATT!!!” He promises to beat Kane tonight. Thrilling!

CHRISTIAN is LOSING IT in the back. Local bimbo MARIA asks Christian if he’s hurt. “Hurt? What, did you get your journalism degree from a box of Coco Puffs? YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I’M HURT! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE YOU IDIOT!” Christian vows to TYSON TOMKO that this isn’t over.

CHRIS MASTERS takes us through another thrilling Masterlock challenge. A PLANT that looks a little like Lash LeRoux loses. However, in a startlingly nice twist, STEVEN RICHARDS returns from the dead, and has got some SERIOUS issues with Masters. He pounds the shit out of the IWC’s favorite wrestler, and actually gets a decent pop for it! Good.

Meanwhile, KANE chokes EDGE, and tells him to stay away from his wife. You’re a little late on THAT big guy...

CHRIS BENOIT vs. TAJIRI (in an ECW rules match)

Benoit works over Tajiri with punches and chops - but Tajiri quickly counters with a Tarantula! Benoit escapes, and chops Tajiri down. Tajiri goes for a handspring elbow, but misses - and Benoit wants a dragon suplex! Tajiri lands on his feet, and kicks Benoit to the floor! Tajiri follows, and gets wheelbarrowed into the ringsteps! Benoit starts looking around for plundah - and comes up with a ladder! The fans dig it. Tajiri is placed on a ringside table, and then Benoit sets up a ladder in the ring. The fans pop HUGE for this...but that draws out THE COACH who stops the nonsense at 2:40. 1/2* Coach quickly tells him to listen to the boss, which brings us ERIC BISCHOFF. The fans are giving Bischoff more heat than the furnace we call Linda McMahon’s libido. Eric bans all ECW matches, discussions, and signs from RAW. The only involvement RAW plans on having on One Night Stand is a group of his stars showing up at the PPV and shutting it down.

Backstage, CANDICE MICHELLE rubs things on her body.

CHRISTY HEMME vs. CANDICE MICHELLE (in a lingerie pillow fight)

So apparently we’re still pushing Christy, just incase Wrestlemania didn’t make the point clear she has no reason to be in the ring. I’m hoping Trish runs in and kills them both - but something tells me that ain’t happening. So the girls slap eachother with pillows for awhile, and feathers explode everywhere. Candice actually gets a good idea by tipping over the bed, causing Christy to bump to the floor, leaving her a little disoriented. Back in, Christy gets a sunset flip off the top and wins at 1:02. DUD The girls hug, and Christy does the splits.

Before the segment ends though, VISCERA comes out to save the day! Vis mentions the lingerie pillow fight has turned him on, and starts wiggling his hips. The girls bail faster than you would a canoe. “But there’s one thing in particular that really, really has me turned on tonight...and that’s YOU...LILLIAN GARCIA. Lillian, I see three things right now. I see me, I see you, and I see a nice plush bed. But there’s only one thing and one thing only that’s missing.” He heads towards Lillian, but takes a detour and steals cotton candy from A BUSTY RINGSIDE PLANT. They also make out. Back to Lillian, Vis invites her into the ring, and asks her to remake the bed. Vis makes himself more comfortable, and offers some of his cotton candy up. “I’m just like that cotton candy baby... I’ll melt in that sexy little mouth of yours.” Now the surprise... He busts out some Barry White. SERIOUSLY!!!! Lillian actually starts smiling, so Vis tosses her a room key to his hotel room later. “Room 4...69! I’ll be waiting Lillian.” Lillian falls off the bed, and heads back to her safe ringside seat.

KANE and LITA make out. This was far more disturbing than any Viscera segment.

SHELTON BENJAMIN asks CHRIS JERICHO if he’s okay. Jericho says losing a match isn’t a big deal to him anymore when he’s been around as long as he has. He starts talking about his extracurricular activities - and suggests Shelton come to the next Fozzy show. “The point is when you’re doing as much as I’ve been doing, losing a wrestling match? Not a big deal.”

THE HURRICANE and ROSEY (with Stacy Keibler) vs. SIMON DEAN and THE MAVEN (for the world tag-team titles)

The tag-team titles are at their worst since the days of the Bodydonnas, Smoking Gunns, Godwinns, et al. When you have to start throwing female managers at the champs in order to ensure a bigger pop, you’ve got a problem. Rosey and Maven start. Rosey takes Maven down, and press slams Hurricane on top for 2. Maven fires back with a dropkick for 2. The announcers try to figure out what superhero Stacy is while Simon Dean hits a neckbreaker for 2. Double team suplex...and Maven does situps. Dean locks Hurricane in a rear chinlock, but Hurricane gets out and hits a clothesline. Rosey gets a “hot” tag to no response, and backdrops Maven. Dean takes a punch to the midsection, and then slams him on Maven. The challengers try to come back, but Stacy shakes her ass in their direction, and the boys get distracted. Hurricane comes in, and with Rosey hits a Problem Solver on Maven for the win at 3:24. 1/4*

HEY! Nothing you can say! Nothing’s gonna change what you’ve done to me! And on cue, RANDY ORTON looking decidedly trim wanders out. If there’s one thing RAW’s definitely been missing, it was a lethal dose of Randy. Orton says he’s tired of being asked where he’s gonna wind up after the draft, and he tells us he can’t be touched because he’s on the injured list. And on that note, he’s coming after Batista when he returns from injury. However, VINCE MCMAHON struts out now. How in the hell is this guy doing this? He does his POWER STOMP up the stairs after tearing both his quads like 4 months ago. This guy isn’t human...and makes Triple H looks like a pussy. He asks Randy what happened to his physique. Randy says he can’t train while his shoulder is hurt. Vince: “Talk is cheap...but not as cheap as that haircut.” Vince says nobody is exempt from the draft, including those on the injured list. Orton reminds Vince he’s the man that’s gonna carry the company for the next 15 years, and wants some respect. Vince tells us the draft starts in 3 weeks in St. Louis, and will last 4 weeks. Vince gives Randy a “good luck to ya kid” and slaps him in the injured shoulder. Hah!

KANE (with Lita) vs. EDGE (with money in the bank) (in the finals of the Gold Rush tournament)

“YOU SCREWED MATT!” Kane gives Edge a big boot, and JR figures this match isn’t gonna last very long. Compared to what exactly? Our longest match was a shade over 6 minutes tonight!!! Kane gives Edge a suplex while DAVE watches from backstage. Edge fires back with a drop toe hold, and pounds away. Edge is dumped to the floor - and Kane delivers snake eyes on the security wall. Back in, Kane tries to follow up, but takes a jawbreaker over the ropes. Kane responds by choking Edge out, but bumps the referee. As Kane checks, Edge goes low. A baseball slide sends Kane to the floor, and we take a break...

Upon return, we see that during the break Edge was given a Derailer, but Edge managed to take Kane back down with a dropkick to the knee. And back to live action we go, Edge clips Kane. Kane heads out to the safety of the floor, but Edge is behind him and drops an elbow on the knee. Back in, Edge continues to work it over, while Lawler incessantly uses the words “money in the bank”. Kane starts bashing Edge in the face, over and over with his boot to get him to release the hold. Kane hits a corner clothesline, and gets 2. Snake eyes, clothesline, another 2. Kane misses a big boot attempt - and Edge yanks him down. Kane comes back with an attempted chokeslam, but it’s turned into a DDT from Edge for 2! Edge loses his mind - and opts for a spear. Kane sidesteps, and gives Edge a side slam!!! Kane goes for a tombstone, but Edge slips away and shoves Kane into the referee. SPEAR!!!! Kane sits Edge grabs his briefcase! Kane hits a big boot, and Lita grabs the briefcase. She slides it back into Edge, who clocks Kane in the face. Lita wakes up the referee, and we have us a winner and a heel turn at 11:14. ** And not just a heel turn, but the most telegraphed heel turn in the history of professional wrestling. JR: “Has Edge destroyed this relationship? Is this what kind of man he is?” I always get a little misty when a marriage that was rape-consumated is broken up through such devious means. And on that note, they trade spit and tie knots with eachother’s tongues on the stage as RAW fades...

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