Men's Royal Rumble Match: Gotta be Cody Rhodes, though Sami Zayn is an interesting thought experiment for this.
Women's Royal Rumble Match: My hope is going to be my prediction: Rhea Ripley.
Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens, Undisputed WWE Universal Championship Match: Reigns wins and retains.
Bray Wyatt vs. LA Knight, Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match: Unless this match takes place shrouded in darkness, I call false advertising. Anyway, whatever this is going to be, Wyatt wins.
Bianca Belair vs. Alexa Bliss, Raw Women's Championship Match: Belair wins and retains.
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Men's Royal Rumble Match: Going out on limb by looking at the big picture - Jey Uso
Women's Royal Rumble Match: No idea, honestly. Hoping for Shayna Baszler, but could be Rohnda or Rhea, although I think they have other plans for Ripley.
Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens, Undisputed WWE Universal Championship Match: Kevin Owens wins, followed by a 5 minute intermission while they scrape Sammy Usos remains (that they can find) off the mat and floor.
Bray Wyatt vs. LA Knight, Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match: Draw after both guys bond over the total awesomeness of refreshing and delicious mountain dew pitch black. Or Bray Wyatt wins.
Bianca Belair vs. Alexa Bliss, Raw Women's Championship Match: Belair wins while Alexa descends into madness.....
Men's Rumble - Cody feels like he was the obvious choice, but I think they kind of have to go with Sami at this point, so I'm going to pick Sami Zayn as well.
Women's Rumble - Feels a lot more open to me, but I think a returning (possibly heel) Asuka wins here.
Undisputed Championship - Reigns. Sorry Kev.
Women's Championship - Let's say Bliss for an upset.
Men's Rumble - Everyone is in the ring waiting for number 30 (that's right, all 29 competitors are in the ring with NO eliminations yet for the first time ever!) The buzzer goes off and SHANE MCMAHON'S music hits! Shane does the Shane Shuffle out to the top of the ramp. "It IS Shane. Shane IS here. That's right! The company's up for sale, and Shane-O-Mac GOT HIM SOME, pops! I now own 0.08% of the WWE! And pops, just like the Alliance kicked your ass in 2011, I'm now going to kick the asses of all 29 men in the ring like I own them...BECAUSE I DO!" And he runs to the ring and starts throwing SPEARS to everyone while shouting "WHAM WHAM WHAM!"
But then the buzzer goes off again and number 31 comes out! IT'S RIC FLAIR! "WOOOOOO! That's right, Vince! A consurtium bought the company out from under you! And The Consortium was ME! WOOOOO! And lots of other people! WOOOO!" And he struts down to the ring and struts all around it going "WOOOOO!" because he hasn't been cleared to do anything physical!
Then the buzzer goes off again and it's DIXIE CARTER at number 32! "My daddy is a panda and he bought me 0.008% of the WWE, y'all! I said 'Daddy, I want to buy WWE!' and he said 'I thought you already bought it' and I said "No, that was TNA, y'all!' and he said 'HOLY SHIT I gave you all that money and you spent it on TNA? FUCK!' And does the Dixie Shuffle!
Number 33 is Mr. T who is also one of the owners for some reason!
Number 34 is KAT DENNINGS who says "I'm not a BROKE GIRL after all because I own 0.0000008% of the WWE!" Then walks away.
Number 35 is BILLY CORGAN who draws the letters "N W A" in the air with his finger and is dragged away by security!
Number 36 is Doink!
Number 37 is one of Bray's fucking puppets.
Number 38 is Mohammed bin Salman! He says "I have purchsed 99.08% of the WWE with my consortium of good friends! And now we need a champion the great progressive nation of Saudi Arabia can be proud of! That's right, it's time for Mansoor to become a MAN for SURE!"
Number 39 is Mansoor who runs out through the crowd and eliminates everyone else (EXCEPT Cody who who Shane SPREAED through the barricade!) But when he tries to eliminate Shane, Shane just stands there and then starts throwing POTATO punches at Mansoor! Shane says "I'm doing a HOSTILE takeover, WHAM WHAM WHAM!" while Mansoor looks confused and bruised! But then the buzzer goes again!
Number 40 is VINCE MCMAHON who walks out holding a contract and says "actually I never signed the contract! I still ownt he company! And I'm not running to the ring because I know what it'll do to my quads! Shane, throw yourself out!" Then Shane looks sad and throws himself out. Then Cody runs back in and throws Mansoor out to win and starts crying.
1) Men's Royal Rumble Match - Cody Rhodes completes his comeback and wins.
2) Women's Royal Rumble Match - Rhea Ripley wins.
3) Reigns/Owens (Undisputed Championship Match) - Reigns retains with spear. Everyone will be involved, Zayn nearly blows Reigns' championship run. Bloodline turns on Zayn on Raw.
4) Belair/Bliss (Raw Women's Championship Match) - Belair retains with the KOD, but attacked by possessed Bliss after match.
5) Wyatt/Knight (Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match) - No matter how it is presented, Wyatt with the Sister Abigail, if we can see it.
I am staying away from the dirt sheets tomorrow. I want to be surprised about any debuts, returns, one-off with WWE Legends, and who knows...maybe someone coming through the Forbidden Door? Can't wait.
Men's Rumble: I don't watch wrestling like I once did, but damn if the Sami Zayn/Bloodline story doesn't have me on the edge of seat. Sami Zayn wins and gets the big feel-good win at Wrestlemaina to bring me back fully into this nonsense.
Women's Rumble: Bailey needs a big win, and this seems like the place for it.
WWE Universal Championship Match: Roman Reigns needs to win for the aforementioned Sami Zayn/Bloodline story
Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match: If this isn't like the old Diva's mud wrestling matches in a kiddie pool full of Mountain Dew I am going to very disappointed. At any rate, Bray Wyatt wins with spoooooky magic.
Raw Women's Championship match: Alexa Bliss wins, also with spoooooky magic.
It's the most important meal of the day.
http://toomuchbreakfast.tumblr.com/
Every year I complain they underutilize the can't-miss concept of the Rumble because every year they do. Why has so much of SD! this month been taken up by a tag team tournament that won't pay off til after the PPV?
The Bloodline-Sami storyline has been the best and most almost-cohesive storytelling in pro wrestling in forever so they *have* to stick the landing. Which is - Sami is the One to dethrone Roman. It's the only logical ending... which is why you can't trust them to get it right. However, it's been so telegraphed that Cody is winning the Rumble... and Sami hasn't even been announced for it, though FWIW, again, not making the most of the Rumble match by not bothering to announce nearly all the people in it.
So you either get Sami in the Mania main event and find something else for Cody to do or you don't end the story properly, team Sami & KO up to be the Ones to dethrone the Usos, and Sami never actually gets the match with Roman this should all build to.
Now that I've gotten that all out of my brain...
Men's Rumble: Sami Zayn Women's Rumble: Rhea Ripley Roman Reigns Bianca Belair Bray Wyatt
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