As I wrote last time, Scarred for Life, while on paper a show that I should have liked, in fact pissed me off. I was a little apprehensive about my reaction to UnFuckingSanctioned. Honestly, a “Fans Bring the Weapons” match is not the sort of thing that is going to excite me. Especially given the vampires who are the regular sort of IWS fans. I envisioned some sort of nightmarish, stumbling blood-bath. I was not exactly looking forward to this particular IWS show.
Which might account for the fact that I dilly-dallied around my apartment and missed the direct bus from the Cote-Vertu metro to Chomedey. Rather than wait a half-hour for the next bus, I instead took an alternate bus that dropped me near the bridge that connects Montreal with Chomedey, and walked to Le Skratch. I made good time, getting off the bus after 9 pm., but making it to Le Skratch by 9:20. The show was advertised as starting at 9 pm, but since the IWS operates on CZW time, the show hadn’t started yet. Immediately on entering, I was given a certain amount of flack for not bringing a weapon. If I could have found a rubber chicken, believe me I would have brung it. It’s not like the IWS fans needed any help with weapons. The collection when I entered was staggeringly bloodthirsty, beginning with simple light tubes and progressing up to complex and deadly looking jagged sculptures of pain. As they say, everything including the kitchen sink. Before all of the matches start, the IWS organizers took all of the fan’s weapons to the back, presumably both to save them for the main event and to weed out some of the more homicidal instruments of destruction.
I made my way to the Red Army position, but the Red Army guys had either been unable or unwilling to save me a seat, so I ended up sitting directly opposite them with the Two Mountains Mob directly to my right. As soon as I found a seat and started taking notes, two of the drunken yahoos beside me spilled beer on me, during an argument as to which of them had drunk the most out of the pitcher that they ended up spilling on me anyway. I should mention that ever since the Green Phantom sent Meez’s beers flying at Tournament of the Icons, drenching my notes in the process, having beer spilled on me at IWS events has become almost a preordained event. I am not sure when exactly it happened at Scarred For Life, only that the first few pages of my notes got beer spilled on them at some point. At the Fringe show on the other hand... ( HEY! I apologized for that! It’s not like I would deliberately spill a Unibroue beer, especially the one that Farooq drinks when he is in Quebec. MAUDITE! that’s good beer. DAMN! Beer! ) DAMN! Beer! As always, a pleasure to welcome to the recap position my recapping partner, the Great and Mighty OZ. I have to ask, OZ, what in the name of Billy Bishop and the Royal Canadian Air Farce are you wearing? ( What? You don’t like the leather bomber jacket, the cavalry boots, the white silk scarf and the aviator goggles? I think that I look rather dashing myself. ) And you are wearing this outlandish costume because? ( It’s my Enemy Ace outfit. Because we are recapping Know Your Enemies today. ) How do you figure that? ( In the last recap you promised to do UnFuckingSanctioned, next. Now, we all know that you are an unrepentant bait and switch artist, so that is not going to happen. You aren’t going to do Extreme Dream, because that would make me happy, and you live to disappoint me. So that leaves only Know Your Enemies. ) That’s a fascinating logic. I congratulate you on your capacity to twist yourself into Euclidean knots. ( Thank you, thank you very much. ) That’s not a compliment! ( HEY! Wait a minute. You’re ripping off a Smothers Brothers skit! I am not falling for THAT! ) Yep. You are too smart for me. As it happens though, we ARE recapping UnFuckingSanctioned as I promised. Sometimes the best way to swerve people is to do what you said you were going to. ( I HATE you. )
Shortly after I got my seat, the screen came down for an IWS promo, “FANS BRING THE WEAPONS” The promo video starts in Black and White and Gray, eventually adding colour as the beat of the music picked up. We saw all the high lights: Arsenal a bloody mess, Elsa topless, the NINJAZ~ being smashed through one table into a burning table, which NEVER BROKE, I feel compelled to point out. Meaning that the NINJAZ~ never lost the titles, but were screwed out of them by senior official Peanut, and Red Salvation are hanging on to STOLEN belts. ( That SUCKS! ) I KNOW! We also saw the end of the Manny/Royds match with the Green Phantom heel turn and Manny getting brutalized with neon light bulbs. At which point, we see clips of the promotional show at Bourbon Street North. ( There was a show at Bourbon Street North? ) Yep. I found out about it after the show had already happened. One of the problems with IWS is that they make a lot of important announcements on their message board. Because of the lousy design of their message board, you end up scrolling through a lot of flames and troll baiting, most of it involving the Red Army, before you get to the important stuff. Add that to the fact that the site and my Mac are allergic to one another, and sometimes I miss that odd important detail, like oh say that when I was visiting my parents that weekend in the Laurentians, that there was an IWS show taking place less than half an hour away. Which meant that I missed seeing the Green Phantom back body drop FOD into a pool. While I am bitching about missing the Bourbon Street North show, Manny and Onyx show up on the screen to talk strategy for their Fans Bring the Weapons match. Manny brings out a bat, and Onyx freaks, “Do I look like a baseball player? Do I look like Babe Ruth?” Manny shrugs and brings out a light tube, which Onyx doesn’t like much better, “Do I look like a FUCKING Jedi Master to you? Do I look like Yoda?” Manny misses a choice opportunity to drop in Mace Windu’s name, and I feel compelled to point out that Jedi Masters come in all shapes and sizes or at least that what is says in my Jedi Master Correspondence Course. ( RED ALERT! Geek dead ahead! RED ALERT! ) Where? Meanwhile, on the screen, Onyx has brought out his choice for a weapon, a 9mm. Manny’s eyes are bugging out, as Onyx decides that he needs to make more and bigger holes and finds an Uzi. Manny is really freaking out now, especially when Onyx pulls out a primitive version of the gun that Jesse Ventura was lugging around in Predator, i.e. a tripod mounted gun that Onyx is strong enough to wave around with one hand. “Screw Fans Bring the Weapons, Manny. I’ll bring the weapons. Fans Bring the AMMO! In some countries, they wear white for funerals. Well, there’s going to be a funeral tonight in the main event.” Man, just when I think that the stable of baby faces in IWS can’t get any stranger. The screen goes up, and someone announces on the mike, “Iron Mike Patterson is baaaack.” Oddly, the person announcing this is not Iron Mike Patterson. “Let’s make things perfectly clear. Before, Iron Mike Patterson was a big star, but now that he’s performed in a movie with George Clooney, he is the biggest star in this joint. So, there will be no booing of Iron Mike Patterson tonight.” Man, blow all the goodwill at once, why don’t you. The announcer tries to get a “Mike” chant going, and predictably the crowd helps out by chanting, “Sucks” every time he chants, “Mike”. Mike enters wearing a do-rag, purple shirt, black shorts, sneakers, sunglasses and really, really scraggly hair. I guess George didn’t give Mike any grooming tips while they were shooting “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind” ( I’m guessing that George took one look at Mike and said, “This one spends the movie with a paper bag over his head.” ) POINT! Mike’s sycophant continues with the mike, “Mike what are you doing out here in front of a bunch of welfare recipients?” Mike grabs the mike, “Does a Hollywood Hogan refuse to come out just because the fans are white trash? NO! These are the fans that I love, and I am here to bring joy to your otherwise dreary and drab lives. People are saying that I’m a wimp. Turn that down bitch! I could beat any single person in this room! Find me somebody who wants a piece of me. No, not him he’s too small. Definitely not him, he’s too heavy. The skinny kid with the glasses, I’ll take him. I’m gonna teach this kid a lesson.” The kid is bullied into the ring by Mike’s sycophant. Mike grabs him for his sloppy DDT, and the kids glasses go flying. Both Mike and his sycophant step on the glasses by “accident” before handing them back over, “Here’s your glasses.” That was mercifully short, but as much as I like Iron Mike Patterson, I feel about this match the same way that I do about the Fink/Lillian feud on Raw. ( No good wrestling can possibly come of this. ) EXACTLY. Although if it turned out that the sycophant was Mike’s agent and started to insist that ten per cent of everything that Mike got was his, like if Mike has ten porn stars hanging off him in the back, than one belongs to his agent, if Mike gets ten minutes with the mike, than one mike belongs to the agent, that sort of thing. Then at least you could have Angus or Onyx coming to the ring, “To give Iron Mike Patterson what’s coming to him” and the agent interposing himself and saying, “Whatever Iron Mike Patterson has coming to him, remember that I get ten per cent” to which Angus or Onyx would reply, “OK. What is ten per cent of an ass whooping?”
Iron Mike is busy flirting with some girls opposite me, “You girls are really cute, but what are you doing with these dorks?” when TNT comes in at 9:50. TNT is wearing half of his red gear and half of his blue gear, and he does not look happy about it, as he grabs the mike, “Unlike you penny-pinching recycling morons, I buy colour coordinated outfits. But some joker in the back has lifted half my gear. When I find who did it there will be hell to pay. My hands are dangerous weapons. I can break bones with these hands! What are you doing Patterson? You are dressed like a fag.” Mike’s response is to call TNT an “anal virgin” which I don’t think is going to improve TNT’s mood much. “Listen Patterson, the Gay Parade was two weeks ago. I can send you back to Papineau street in an ambulance.”
Well as fascinating as watching TNT play Mannix is going to be, I see Ram Hardy waving at me. You take notes, I’ll go see what Ram wants. ( WHAT? Get back here! How many times do I have to say this? I do HEEL COLOUR not Play by Play. BASTARD!
Los Latinos enter with OLE! Generico who is wearing a HUGE neck brace. Los Latinos flip over the ropes. OLE! Generico flips over the rope, but immediately clutches his neck. The pesky pint-sized Peruvian puroresos proceed to prattle a promo in Portuguese punctuated by OLE! Generico who “OLE!” s at every opportunity. As it turns out, the larcenous Latins have TNT’s stuff. Personally, I’m not sure that antagonizing TNT more is such a great strategy. The bell rings at 9:57. Los Latinos help OLE! Generico off with his cape. Peanut is the referee. Latino Mysterio and TNT start. They begin with an elbow and collar lock-up which TNT does one-handed. Heh. TNT throws off Latino Mysterio and charges him, but Mysterio drops to the ground and crawls under the charge back to his corner. Heh. TNT decides that he will demonstrate his mastery of technical wrestling by getting on his hands and knees in the amateur wrestling position. Big dirty cheaters that they are, all three Latins jump into the ring to pummel TNT. TNT fights them off and gets to his feet, and he is really unhappy now. Latino Kid takes Latino Mysterio’s place, and TNT shows no respect for the Kid pushing him. Latino Kid slaps TNT in retaliation, so TNT paint-brushes him and it sounds like a cannon went off on Latino Kid’s face. The Kid is stunned, giving TNT a chance to muscle him into a MASSIVE crucifix followed by a an equally MASSIVE face plant. TNT throws Latino Kid out of the ring, and Latino Kid comes barrelling back in all filled with piss and vinegar to throw a running clothesline that TNT Nash-sells. The Kid bounces off of TNT’s chest, and TNT LEVELS him with a clothesline. Picking up the staggered Latino Kid, TNT hits what I can only describe as a half-suplex, bringing the Kid up and then slamming him back down again without carrying him over the shoulder. TNT follows that up with a MONSTROUS under-hook face plant. Before TNT can get some good gloating in though, he is tripped and Latino Kid runs across his back. TNT gets up furious and eats a heel kick. He staggers back to a corner, pursued by Latino Kid who gets the Audience Sing-A-Long ten count going, and with TNT reeling, Latino Kid Irish Whips TNT into the other corner and DDT’s him after he bounces off the turn buckle. Latino Kid goes up top, and you will believe that a Latino can... get kicked right in the gut by a TNT drop-kick on the way down. Latino Kid lands near his corner, though and TNT doesn’t even try to stop him tagging in... OLE! Generico? NOT A GOOD IDEA. TNT is salivating like Arn Anderson faced with a crippled Dusty Rhodes. TNT grabs OLE! Generico by the neck brace and swings him around by it. TNT gives OLE! a sort-of deep martial massage to the back before dragging him up and over in what looks a little like a neck-brace Suplex. Afterwards, TNT removes the neck brace, and begins to vigourously massage OLE!’s neck with his foot, twisting the neck in tune to a chant of OLE! OLE! OLE! I wonder if TNT does a chiropractic consults? I’m sure that all of this is approved therapy, right? TNT now has OLE! Generico is a Neck hold and OLE! bridges up to break the hold, so TNT drops the elbow on the neck. He follows up with a neck breaker and commands OLE! to “Get Up BITCH!” TNT manhandles OLE! to the second rope and them pulls him off by the neck onto the neck, and then kicks OLE! to the outside. Los Latinos are out to check on their partner. After making sure that he can still walk, they get into a football huddle. TNT fails to capitalize on the huddle by hurling himself over the ropes, and this gives the Latin trio enough time to formulate a plan. Breaking the huddle, they begin stalking TNT from three different sides of the ring. TNT bravely beats off their cheating for a while, but eventually they get the advantage and begin a three way beat down on TNT. This is all grossly unfair of course, but once again an IWS competitor is the victim of senior official Peanut’s incompetence. TNT calls for a time-out, but is ignored by his brutal attackers. Los Latinos hold TNT down while OLE! springs from the top, which is followed up by Latin Mysterio’s cartwheel Rolling Thunder. OLE! Generico drops the leg on TNT, at the same time that Latino Kid face plants his partner onto TNT. All three men pin TNT to the mat for one and a kick-out. OLE! Generico drops the elbow on TNT at the same time that Latino Kid is power bombing his partner onto TNT. Latino Mysterio covers for not even one as he is kicked out with authority. OLE! covers for the pin and gets One and Two and a kick out. Latino Kid covers for the pin and gets ONE! and TWO! and NO! All three leaping Latins go up top and the trick to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing. All three miss TNT, but all three hit... NOTHING... BUT... MAT. In turn, TNT climbs up and he does hit and take out all three of his attackers. TNT poses on their back in triumph. This happy state of affairs does not last long, however, and the three Latins recover and surround TNT. Latino Kid and OLE! Generico do a OLE! dance which distracts TNT enough for Latino Mysterio to kick TNT in the back of the head. This propells TNT into a stereo kick by OLE! and Kid. TNT is DEAD! and Los Latinos take advantage to stomp themselves a mudhole and walk it dry. OLE! Generico runs, springs off the ropes, hits TNT and lands on his feet. That was impressive, although it raises the possibility that OLE was FAKING his injury in order to ambush TNT properly. TNT is in deep trouble... but running in with a chair, it’s HEAVY MAXX FURY! I never thought that I would be so happy the little blue Schtroumpf! Chair shots all around! Peanut calls for the bell at 10:09 (12:00?) as apparently a three on one beat down is legal, but three on two is unfair to the larcenous Latins. After the bell, Maxx power bombs Latino Kid and holds him for a TNT patent-pending butt splash from the top. Heavy Maxx Fury goes up top and well that’s probably NOT the “Shooting Star Torpedo” that CZW watchers have been raving about, but it’s an equally ugly approximation. Shaking it off, Maxx grabs Latino Kid and drags him to the top for a sort-of Russian leg sweep from the top assisted by TNT. Maxx goes up top and you will believe... THAT... A... SCHTROUMPF... CAN... FLY! as Maxx goes clear cross the ring in a swan-dive head butt on Latino Kid. OLE! Generico tries to prevent this, but TNT cuts him off by standing on his neck. TNT and Maxx combine for stereo kicks to OLE!’s gut, and follow up with stereo drop kicks to his neck. OUCH! That can’t be part of his physical therapy. TNT holds OLE! down for Maxx’s running moonsault. Just to add a cherry to the beating sundae, Maxx pile drives OLE! TNT grabs the mike as Los Latinos scrape the remains of OLE! off the mat and help him to the back, “ O! Fucking! LE! You are not so tough! Where’s my stuff? You want to suspend my partner? You want to put me curtain jerking in the first match? Go ahead, but I will fuck up my opponents. I don’t care who it is. I will fuck them up. If you don’t want my partner to wrestle with me. If my partner’s not in then I’m taking off. Fuck you all!”)
And I’m back. So what happened? ( TNT lost again. This time by DQ in 12:00 when Heavy Maxx Fury ran in to save him from a three on one beat down. ) I don’t know why you even bother to pretend that you pay attention. First of all, you never see DQ’s in IWS events. Second of all, Maxx is suspended, he couldn’t have been here. Third, Los Latinos are only two guys. How could they have beat down TNT at all, let alone three on one? Who was the third guy? Iron Mike Patterson? ( No. It was OLE! Generico. ) See, right there with the inconsistencies. Last month, you told me that TNT pillmanized El Generico’s neck. If he had done that, there is no way that he would be able to walk now, let alone wrestle in the IWS.
Somewhere around this time, we saw an IWS backstage skit with Lobo running into and shaking hands with Onyx and PCP Fucking Manny.
Iron Mike is back out.with a mike, “I’m in a movie with George Clooney. What’s your job? Fork Lift Operator? We have have a new Referee to introduce. It’s Richie Cunningham, Ladies and Gentlemen.” And Richie does in fact have the red hair and the freckles. “From the only high class neighbourhood in Montreal: Westmount, accompanied by Mean Malaka and Beef Wellington, Kid Kamikaze.” Kid Kamikaze is wearing a green Hi-5 shirt with red pants. Beef is wearing an orange shirt with Dalmatian pants. “His opponent, Ca$$ino!” who is wearing a shirt that says, “Big Money” Ca$$ino grabs the mike, “I don’t know why they call you Hi-5, instead they should call you Low Blow!” (Oh, har-de-har har, leave the comedian to the professionals Vinnie Vega$, just because you are from Glitter City doesn’t make you an entertainer. ) Are you saying that he isn’t a Sports Entertainer?
Kid Kamikaze and Ca$$ino start with a collar and elbow lock-up. They trade go behinds and arm bars, while Malaka is busy stealing someone’s souvlaki. Ca$$ino takes control of the match by planting Kid’s face on his knee, but Ca$$ino’s advantage is short lived as Kamikaze Kid drops him with a scissors hold take down. Ca$$ino retreats to the corner only to be hit with a FUCK YOU clothes line in the corner. As Ca$$ino staggers, Kid climbs and drop kicks Ca$$ino to the face. Kid moves in for the kill, but his scissors hold take down is blocked by Ca$$ino and converted to a face plant. The two men start a reversal sequence, which is incredibly sloppy, climaxing with Kamikaze Kid trying the Acid Drop and getting thrown outside. Ca$$ino runs, flips and topes to the outside. Kamikaze Kid gets thrown back into the ring. He begs for a time out, but that never works...Ca$$ino, you’re not actually going to... Too Late! Kamikaze Kid pokes Ca$$ino in the eyes. ( Ca$$ino is dumber than he looks, if that is even possible. ) Kamikaze moves to take advantage and an extended move and counter sequence is finally won by Kamikaze Kid with NECK DEATH to Ca$$ino. Kamikaze Kid backs up and launches a MASSIVE Rocker Dropper which Ca$$ino somehow counters, but the ensuing crash leaves both men DEAD on the mat. Red the Ref checks on his charges, “Are you guys dead?” Ca$$ino is first on his feet after the ensuing ten count and he launches himself at Kamikaze Kid, who has been playing possum in order to lure Ca$$ino into more NECK DEATH. Handed a chair by his partner, Kamikaze Kid teases a chair shot, but ends up using the chair as leverage for a head lock instead. Ca$$ino struggles in the head lock, finally rallying to drop Kamikaze Kid crotch first into the chair. ( You know, the opponents of Hi-5 have an unhealthy and frankly creepy fascination with inflicting damage on Hi-5’s genitalia. ) Ca$$ino inflicts his own NECK DEATH which gets ONE! and TWO! and JOHNNY ACE! Showing supreme confidence in his control of the match, Ca$$ino stops to tie his shoes? This gives Kamikaze Kid a chance to recover and roll-up Ca$$ino which results in an extended and sloppy pin reversal sequence. Kamikaze Kid ends the sequence in control and... well I don’t know exactly what that was supposed to be but it looked really bad. The audience starts to give a rather unflattering description of this match and that move, and Beef eloquently responds to their constructive criticism, “SHUT UP!” While the audience is busy distracting Hi-5, Ca$$ino grabs Kamikaze Kid and MURDERS him with a HUUGE power bomb and the cover for one and two and three and the pin at 10:26. After the pin, Beef tries to sneak in and ambush Ca$$ino. He trips, alerting Ca$$ino to the skullduggery, but as soon as Ca$$ino turns to investigate, Kamikaze Kid low blows him into castrate status, and Ca$$ino limps out to pursue a career as a Faranelli imposter. ( What is the point in having Malaka in your corner if he neither helps you or hinders you? He is just like a great big walking Corona ad, who just happens to be in Hi-5’s corner. ) Iron Mike is back in the ring with the mike, “You guys are so weird, so ridiculous.” Beef snatches the mike away from him, “Since we have come to the IWS, we have jobbed to everyone, just like Evilicious, but we’re not Evillicious, we aren’t going anywhere. You can’t drive us out of this promotion, but anyone we have to job to is going to pay.” ( Why do I have this irresistible urge to quote Scott Keith, “I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.” ) That match was really bad by Hi-5 standards.
The screen comes down for a Phantom promo, “The fans have been asking me, Green Phantom why did you turn on us, why did you turn on Manny? I am the Green Phantom, I am from the Ancient Green Hills of Two Mountains and I am the IWS champion, and this belt, this is my golden belt. You see Green and Gold go together, but Drugs and Gold do NOT! I told Manny Get With the Green, but instead he chose to get with the drugs and the powders and the pills. Well, if you are not With the Green, than just like Manny, You will FEEL THE GREEN!” ( Why is this guy a heel again? ) Damned if I know. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
(edited by Llakor on 28.11.02 1658) "Don't Blame CANADA, Blame Yourselves!"
Llakor Broadcast System Thursday, November 28th, 2002 LBS#8: IWS - UnFuckingSanctioned
Part Two of Three
Hi-5 have cleared the ring during the Phantom promo leaving Iron Mike Patterson alone, “Man, I used to think that the Green Phantom was cool. The next match is the Number One Contender’s Match. Can I help you? What are you doing this near the stage you in-bred hick? Take your seat. OH! You work for us! I Fucked Up! I Fucked Up! I Fucked Up! Now entering the ring at 195 pounds with five extra pounds of pure cock-meat, the Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy.” Eddy humps the second rope on his way in. “Eddy once again everyone in the crowd is electrified and every woman in the crowd wants to have sex with you.” Eddy takes the mike, “My match is with Arsenal, he can go. I can always go better and longer than anyone. This is my comeback match, and I can think of only one girl in the IWS, whose back I would want to come back on. ELSA BANGS!” Elsa has pigtails and a pink bikini and shorts ensemble. ( Daddy like! ) Down boy! Heel! During Eddy’s extended ring introduction, Arsenal comes charging out to break a kendo stick on Eddy. He follows up with a Death Valley Driver, and a HUGE Back Breaker. Eddy is twitching and Arsenal is preening as Onyx runs out and flattens Arsenal with a MONSTROUS Clothes Line. With Arsenal down, Onyx grabs the mike and starts cutting a promo on him, “That’s payback for Tournament of the Icons. This ain’t no Lord of the Rings. There is no room for hobbits.” Coming to the wrestler’s entrance with a mike is Commissioner Joe Fitzmorris, “Onyx! You want to interfere in other people’s matches? You want to disrupt my promotion? FINE! But I am going to interfere in your career! Surprise, I am making this match a three-way match for the Number One Contender to Green Phantom. And Onyz, if you ever want a shot at the title, you had better win tonight, because this is your last chance!” ( I don’t remember Onyx ever having any FIRST chances at the title. ) Onyx turns around and gets ambushed by a double team clothesline as Arsenal and Eddy join forces. Onyx Irish Whips Eddy and follows up with a running elbow to the corner. Eddy kicks Onyx in the leg as Arsenal kicks him in the head. With Onyx down, both Arsenal and Eddy go behind him and grab a leg, but they can’t quite muscle him over in the wheelbarrow suplex. Abandoning that plan, both men go up top with Eddy laying Onyx out with a HUUGE DrOp kick and Arsenal following up with an equally impressive leg drop. Both men go up top again, with Arsenal dropping an elbow on Onyx and Eddy splashing him. Eddy covers and get one and two and gets yanked off by Arsenal who covers for one and two and thrown off with authority. Onyx staggers to his feet. Eddy charges, but Onyx muscles him over in a fall away slam. Arsenal charges, and Onyx manages another fall away slam in the process slamming Arsenal on top of Eddy. Arsenal takes advantage to cover Eddy for One and Two and yanked off by Onyx, who picks up Eddy and holds him for Arsenal’s flipping twirling leg drop. Eddy is broken in half and Arsenal covers for ONE and TWO and yanked off by Onyx again. Onyx and Arsenal start jawing, with Arsenal using his quickness to kick Onyx, staggering the big man into a recovering Eddy who face plants Onyx. Arsenal takes advantage of a still wobbly Eddy to plant him with a Death Valley Driver. Arsenal preens and gets clothes lined out of his socks and out of the ring by Onyx in roughly that order. Turning to Eddy, Onyx grabs him for ONE! and TWO! MASSIVE SUPLEXES! Eddy makes a miraculous recovery though, and DrOp kicks Onyx in the face. Eddy goes for a nifty cover with a bridge for One and Two and No. Onyx throws Eddy up on the ropes in the corner and gives him a head butt low blow. “He’s a PORN STAR right?” And another! “AGAIN!” AND ANOTHER! Mother of Mercy! Is this the end of Rico? Arsenal has brought a table in, while Skeletor is busy building some Escher/Godel/Bach sculpture on the outside with chairs. Arsenal sets up the table and then he and Onyx push Eddy on the table with Eddy’s Tournament of the Icons trophy being the cherry on the sundae. Onyx goes up, but gets cut off by Arsenal. Arsenal climbs Onyx? and drops the leg on Eddy. Onyx follows up by breaking the trophy over Eddy’s remains. Onyx grabs Arsenal, and bounces him off the ropes for a Suplex. ( That was NIFTY and BRUTAL! ) An Onyx Splash gets one and two and broken up by Eddy. Arsenal is thrown into the ropes and Eddy flips him into Onyx’s arms for a power bomb. OUCH! Onyx Splash, but Onyx does NOT COVER because Eddy says, “It’s not enough punishment!” After some brief dissension, Onyx Irish Whips Arsenal into an Eddy Super-Kick. Eddy Irish-Whips Arsenal into an Onyx power bomb. Onyx Irish Whips Arsenal into Eddy’s arm drag take down. Arsenal staggers to his feet like a drunk walking the decks of a ship in a hurricane, and ONYX SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! ( Man. After this match they are going to have to use dental records to identify Arsenal’s remains. ) That’s assuming that they leave him any teeth. Arsenal collapses in the corner and Onyx Irish Whips Eddy into him. Eddy bounces back from the corner and plays Ring Around the Rosie with Onyx building to a MONSTROUS corner splash by the big man. With Arsenal DEAD, Eddy jumps on top of Onyx with the Sleeper. Onyx backs Eddy into the corner, but Eddy hangs on. Onyx tries again, but Eddy is clinging to the Sleeper like a drowning man to a buoy. Arsenal is back up and he DrOp kicks Onyx... and TIMBER! Eddy is underneath Onyx when he falls, so both men are down. Arsenal drags Eddy up and tries to muscle him over onto the abstract art chair sculpture built by Eddy on the outside. Eddy blocks and both men end up fighting on the apron, until Onyx runs into both with a chair knocking them both into the insane device. ( ACK! That was, for want of a better word, INSANE! ) Onyx rolls the remains of both men back in the ring. “TWO MO FUCKING RULES” Blatant suck-up alert. Onyx face plants Eddy, and then drops Arsenal on top. Onyx puts an camel clutch on Eddy while simultaneously putting Arsenal in a lion tamer. ( OH! MY! GOD! to coin a phrase, THAT FUCKING RULES! ) It certainly does, although Onyx, instead of holding for the submission, relinquishes the holds, the foolish man. He dispatches Arsenal to the outside, and grabs Eddy for a side walk slam, and covers. Arsenal is directly in front of me. Arsenal is torn between rushing in... ONE! and jumping off the top ropes... TWO! he hesitates... THREE! Arsenal took too long to decide and he is CRUSHED as Onyx pins Arsenal for the pin at 10:55.
I have never been a big fan of three ways, but this was very good as it mixed up some fancy double-teams into the mix instead of the usual A vs. B, B vs. C, C vs. A format of most three ways. The Onyx double submission was really cool. But what made the match for me is having Arsenal right in front of me and being able to read in his face the indecision as to whether to go up top or just run in, and the absolute dejection when he realized that his hesitation had cost him the match. ( Arsenal needs to start learning how to make friends and influence people. Either that or avoid getting booked in three ways with two baby faces, because the baby faces in this promotion are not nice people. )
After the match, Steve Royds and the Green Phantom run out to lay a whooping on Onyx. They combine for a high times followed by multiple chair shots by the Green Phantom. Steve puts a table on Onyx’s wrist and Pillmanizes the wrist with a chair on chair shot. NASTY! ( Rob better not say Balls Nasty. ) BALLS NASTY! Phantom uses the chair to drop a really heavy leg on Onyx’s shoulder. Steve Royds snaps the wrist, just to add insult to injury. PCP Crazy Fucking Manny runs out of the back waving a cross made out of light tubes, and Steve Royds and the Green Phantom scatter, but not before the Green Phantom Pillmanizes the wrist some more by dropping a leg on the chair trapping Onyx’s wrist. As they flee, Green Phantom sarcastically yells out, “Go Get Your Guns!” ( I wouldn’t be encouraging Onyx if I was the Green Phantom, personally. )
Iron Mike Patterson is out with the mike, “What could have been a great match has ended in violence and racial profiling.” No offence to Mike but that’s horse-puckey. First of all, it was a great match. All the outside interference happened after the bell, which is perfectly fine. Green Phantom and Steve Royd’s beat down had NOTHING at all to do with Onyx’s race and everything to do with the fact that Onyx is booked in the Fans Bring the Weapons main event. That, in the process, the Green Phantom was softening up a future opponent for his title belt was both good booking and good strategy.
Somewhere around here we saw a backstage skit shot earlier in the day of Lobo meeting the Green Phantom and the two men eyeballing each other like bull elephants in heat, sizing up a potential rival for elephant cow poontang.
“Why aren’t you filming this? The women want me to talk. Go wait for me in the parking lot. As I tune yet another loser out of my life, it is time to announce that the following match is a tag team championship match for the IWS world tag team titles. This match is a Japanese Death Match. Hoo Boy! Things look a little ugly in here.” In three corners of the ring, green platforms, like tables without legs, have been carried in. One is covered in barbwire. One is covered in mouse traps. The final one is covered in what looks like rusty car parts, and I finally figure out that it is covered in cactus. ( WOO+HOO! NINJAZ~ are going to win back their titles! Which they never should have lost, by the way, since the burning table never broke. I Guaran-DAMN-tee that tonight the NINJAZ~ correct that mistake and take their titles back.) How do you figure that they are going to win back their titles? Red Salvation seems poised for a long title reign. ( It’s a Japanese Death Match. The NINJAZ~ are from Japan. It’s their signature match. How can they lose? ) You mean the way that the TLC match is a signature match for the Hardyz? ( EXACTLY! Wait a minute! The Hardyz never have won a TLC match, have they? Crap, now I’m all nervous! Thanks a lot! ) No problem. “Coming out first the Champions!” Just to upset me no doubt. FOD has the mike, “NINJAZ~ this is your one and only chance to win these titles back. We are going to send you back to Japan in a pine box.” This might be a good time to address the fact that normally we cheer for the heels over the faces. Iceberg and FOD are two of the most vicious, unscrupulous, nasty heels to come down the pike in some time, and yet, we cheer for the NINJAZ~ instead. Why is that? ( Because the NINJAZ~ are AWESOME, while Iceberg and FOD are JERKS. ) I knew it was something like that. Senior IWS official Peanut is the referee of this match. ( WHAT!? This really SUCKS! Peanut is the reason that the NINJAZ~ lost the title in the first place. I understand that in wrestling a certain amount of blindness is required from the referees, especially in a hardcore promotion like the IWS, but how blind do you have to be to miss the fact that the burning table in the burning table match NEVER BROKE?! ) I KNOW. ( Now, I’m really nervous. ) Me too, brother, me too.
FOD hands the mike back to Iron Mike, “Tonight in a Japanese Death Match, it is Japan vs. Russia. And now your challengers, from Fabertown, Japan, weighing in at 666 pounds, the Hardcore NINJAZ~!” The NINJAZ~ are wearing new ring gear which is solid white. As always, Hardcore NINJA~#2 is wearing a Yellow belt which is why we call him the Yellow NINJA~, while Hardcore NINJA~#1 is wearing a black belt which is why we call him Hardcore NINJA~#1. Iceberg and FOD jump the NINJAZ~ as they enter the ring but the NINJAZ~ rally and clear the ring before flipping out of the ring and wiping out Iceberg and FOD. The NINJAZ~ grab some chairs, but Iceberg and FOD steal the chairs and start themselves a NINJA~ beat down. Iceberg rolls in Hardcore NINJA~#1 and holds him in mid-air for a FOD leg drop. Yellow NINJA~ comes in to save his partner and gets pulled up by both big men, only to be DDT’d back down with authority, and the cover for one and two and the save by Hardcore NINJA~#1. FOD does this bouncy, bouncy things on the ropes instead of just going strong to the net and pays for it when he hits Hardcore NINJA~#1’s knees. Hardcore NINJA~#1 could take a salutory lesson in keeping it simple from FOD’s error, but NO!, he gets all fancy-schmancy with the kicking and the kicking and the kicking, and FOD just punches the crap out of him. ( HEY! Closed fists are illegal! ) The Yellow NINJA~ has recovered enough to go up top, where he is crotched by Iceberg. Iceberg superplexes the Yellow NINJA~ and covers for One and Two and saved by Hardcore NINJA~#1. He is pursued by the big men and trips them into the ropes neck first. While they are reeling, Hardcore NINJA~#1, commits Neck Death on both men, covering FOD for one and two and no. Hardcore NINJA~#1 climbs, splashes Iceberg and covers for One and Two and No. The Yellow NINJA~ climbs and Hardcore NINJA~#1 holds down Iceberg for the Yellow NINJA~’s Randy Savage Flying Elbow. FOD struggles to his feet and the NINJAZ~ get involved in a long sequence with him culminating in the Hardcore NINJA~#1 sunset flipping him to the outside through some chairs with much help from the Yellow NINJA~. And there is a great deal of NINJA~kickery in celebration. Iceberg interferes and takes out the Yellow NINJA~ throwing him into the ring with some chairs. Iceberg sets up two chairs with the mousetrap board. Yellow NINJA~ goes up and what goes up must come down! Through the board and all the mousetraps go off. OUCH! ( I don’t know why hundreds of mouse traps should be more disturbing than hundreds of thumb tacks, but it just is. ) FOD has recovered on the outside and he takes out his frustrations on Hardcore NINJA~#1 by power bombing him on concrete. That’s just MEAN! Leaving Hardcore NINJA~’s battered body, FOD rolls back in the ring. He holds the Yellow NINJA~ for an Iceberg chair shot but the Yellow NINJA~ ducks and Iceberg flattens FOD instead. Iceberg does his Curly Dance of Contrition until the Yellow NINJA~ kicks the chair into his face. Hardcore NINJA~#1 has recovered on the outside, and he gets in the ring in time to kick Iceberg in the gut. The two NINJAZ~ combine for multiple NINJA~lines to Iceberg’s chest and multiple NINJA~kicks to Iceberg’s head. Iceberg staggers and finally goes down when hardcore NINJA~#1 takes a running chair shot to his head. ( That BONG! noise you heard is the confirmation that Iceberg’s skull is in fact hollow. ) Now, that’s just mean. FOD on the outside is setting up a table with bricks on it. while the two Hardcore NINJAZ~ are busy setting up a table on the outside with cactus on it. Iceberg recovers and goes up top, but before he can do anything the two NINJAZ~ cut him off up top and start wailing on him, eventually combining to double team superplex him through the cactus table. OUCH! ( Cactus is also more disturbing than thumb tacks, but I am not sure why. ) FOD charges in and chases the Yellow NINJA~ out, leaving Iceberg to the mercies of Hardcore NINJA~#1. The Yellow NINJA~ lets FOD chase him until he is in the perfect position and then ambushes the big man with a pretty NINJA~kick that sends FOD sprawling into the brick table which breaks, but not in the sense of breaks in half, but more in the sense of tips over and collapses. Inside the ring, Hardcore NINJA~#1 climbs and drops an elbow on a prone Iceberg, covering for ONE! and TWO! and NO! (GOD DAMN IT PEANUT! Count faster! ) On the outside, the Yellow NINJA~ has propped back up the brick table, giving FOD time to recover. FOD chases, the Yellow NINJA~ flees, and the Yellow NINJA~ decides that, like a hiker pursued by a Grizzly, the best thing to do is climb, grabbing on to the triangular speaker platform near the ring and bolting up like a frightened mountain goat. Of course, the problem with Grizzlies is that they CAN climb, and FOD proceeds to demonstrate that lumbering up after the Yellow NINJA~. But much like FOD’s earlier pursuit, the Yellow NINJA~ is merely luring FOD into position for an ambush... ( AND TIMBER!! ) FOD falls back through the propped up brick table. Meanwhile, in the ring, Hardcore NINJA~#1 has Iceberg on a table and has covered him in chairs. The Yellow NINJA~ who is easily eight feet in the air on the speaker platform, moves away from the side where he booted off FOD, towards the side closest to the ring, AND YOU WILL BELIEVE THAT A NINJA~ CAN FLY!! And there are shards of table and Iceberg and Yellow NINJA~ bouncing every which where. FOD has crawled back into the ring, but he is only able to muster token opposition to Hardcore NINJA~#1, who hits FOD with one of the larger fragments of table littering the ring. He covers FOD with bits of table, and then both NINJAZ~ climb up top with chairs. They both drop a chair assisted leg on FOD from the top rope. They cover. Peanut dives to count. ONE! ( COUNT FASTER PEANUT! ) TWO! ( COUNT THREE DAMN YOU! ) THREE! ( NINJAZ~ WIN!! ) NINJAZ~ WIN!!( NINJAZ~ WIN!! ) NINJAZ~ WIN!! ( WOO! + HOO! ) WOO! + HOO! ( I’m as giddy as a little girl. ) I’m as... All right, that’s just sick. NINJAZ~ win at 11:18.
The screen is down for a backstage promo. Commissioner Joe Fitzmorris is with Onyx and PCP Fucking Manny. “It looks like your arm is broken, Onyx. I have to think about the fans. They deserve the best match they can possibly get. Manny, you are going to have to find yourself a new partner.” “Who do I ask? Who? Who? I can’t think.” Manny is back to his hair scratching junkie mannerisms I see. “Don’t worry about it, Manny, I’ll take care of it. Hey YOU! Do you got my man’s back?” The camera swings over to reveal Lobo standing there. “You can trust me.” Commissioner Joe Fitzmorris is rubbing his hands in glee, “The ultra violent monster for CZW and the loser junkie from Montreal together! Onyx, you can’t show your face at ringside or you’ll never work here again.” ( Well, that was... I want to say predictable. ) True enough, but sometimes predictable is good.
Iron Mike Patterson is out to pimp Brian the Guppie, host of Between the Ropes on Team 990. That is annoying enough when Brian does it, thanks. Red is the ref. Mike continues, “You are the man of my dreams. Excuse me sir, how much do you really want to suck Mike’s dick? The following is a three-way tag team match. Entering first from Denver, Colorado, at 290 pounds, the Flying Hurricanes.” They are a guy all in white along with a short little guy in a lizard mask. “From Berlin, Germany, 252 pounds Viking and Damian, the Angry Aryans.” Lovely, White supremacists. One fat guy wearing a Confederate do-rag, and his heroin junkie thin partner in an SS shirt. You know what? I recognize that I am being worked and that I am supposed to want someone to beat the shit out of these guys. I know that. I understand the process. I can feel the strings. I STILL want to see someone beat the shit out of these guys. BADLY. VERY BADLY. ( I am right there with you partner. ) It is an odd thing. Killer Karl Krupp, who was one of the all time great Bavarian shit-kickers, him, I loved with a burning passion. I may have been the only guy in the Halifax Forum cheering for him, but I still loved the bald freak with the monocle and the boots and the riding crop and that authentic German accent. ( He was Dutch, so his accent was really authentic. ) So as a twelve year old kid, I had no problem worshipping a stereo-typical old school Nazi, but as a somewhat older though not much wiser wrestling fan, I find these racist punks so repugnant that I want to see their bones shattered, their backs broken, their blood shed. ( AND I am the one who supposedly has RAGE issues. )
The final team, “From Westmount, 200 and a quarter pounds of PURE Beef Wellington, BEEF Wellington.” Accompanied by Malaka and the Kamikaze Kid. Donnybrook to start, and in my nightmares, I have visions of this. There are three teams in the ring, counting Malaka and the ref, eight people. At the moment, people are just throwing sloppy punches and as a matter of principle, I don’t recap punches unless they are important for the purposes of story telling, but if these guys start actually executing moves, I am in big trouble. ( To the rescue, Commissioner Joe! ) Yeah, Commissioner Joe! “What in Hell is going on here? I wanted a nice simple three way match, and there are people everywhere. The fans aren’t here to see total anarchy. They want to see some wrestling. You two, in the white, go to the back. This match is going to be one on one on one. Beef vs. you in the flag vs. this thing in the mask.” Malaka and Kamikaze Kid are somehow spared being sent to the principal’s office. ( Obviously, because they are such clean, polite, well behaved young gentlemen. Etiquette and posture counts, you know. ) Naturally. Did I mention that Viking, the Confederate racist, and Kenny the Bastard, the thing in the lizard mask, are from that weird, deviant sub-branch of wrestling that features staple guns as a prime attraction? Cause Kenny the Bastard is busy stapling Viking many, many times. Viking eventually rallies to steal the stapler away and staple a “Fuck You” sign to Kenny’s naked chest. ( Did we just wander into the freaks section of Barnum and Bailey’s? Next thing you know there is going to be a run-in from the bearded lady and the guy who bites the head off of chickens. ) It should be said that Beef appears to share your disgust, as he has a totally repulsed, “This is NOT Wrestling” look on his face. Viking performs an actual wrestling maneuver and I am too stunned by the concept to take note of what it is, but it involved a butt and gravity. Kenny rallies quickly with an arm drag take down. Viking bounces back up and clothes lines Kenny’s back, and follows up with a twirling, whirling back breaker. Beef, who has been waiting for his opportunity, clothes lines Viking out and covers Kenny for one and two and Kenny counters for his own roll-up for one and two and Beef kicks out and rolls out of the ring. Viking is back in the ring, and he grabs Kenny and casually drops him on his head, and then, Viking SITS on Kenny’s head. Beef has snuck back in behind Vikings back and he rolls up Viking by surprise for One and Two and broken up by Kenny. Viking is thrown out of the ring, as Beef schoolboys Kenny, but Kenny kicks out before the ref is in position. Beef, annoyed not even to get one, casually delivers a neck breaker on Kenny and then rolls out of the ring to avoid a charging Viking. ( Very smart strategy by Beef. He is in the ring with two guys whose idea of wrestling strategy is to staple their move list to their opponent’s chest. Add that to the fact that they are probably impossible to pin, KO, or kill, because they are flying on PCP’s, and staying as far away from these guys as possible is very intelligent. He can wait for these guys to do something insane and that move in to take advantage. ) I think that it is very irresponsible to you to allege that these two are drug users when we have no proof of that AT ALL. ( Would YOU take a staple to the chest stone cold sober? ) Point. Kenny has pulled himself up on the ropes in the corner and Viking hits him with one and two elbows. Viking backs off and charges for a running elbow. Viking backs off and charges for a running knee. With Kenny all tangled up in the ropes, Viking takes advantage to lace in the Tarantula, leaving him wide-open for a chair to the head by Beef Wellington. With both men down, Beef sneaks back in to cover Viking for One and Two and No. Beef covers Kenny for ONE and TWO and NO. Beef rolls out again. ( Meanwhile, in the ring, SlopFest 2002 continues. ) This culminates in Viking hooking Kenny in some weird Tree of Woe submission thing. It’s cool looking but pointless, because the ref keeps yelling on Viking to break the hold since Kenny is in the ropes. Red is totally ineffectual at this, so eventually Beef breaks it up and sends Viking on his merry way. Viking leaves Kenny in the Tree of Woe, runs the ropes, charges and baseball slides Kenny to the face. Kenny is dead, so Beef gets in for the easy pickings, but ends up eating twirl a whirl neck death for his troubles. ( Kids today. No RESPECT for their elders. ) Kenny is setting up two chairs. He tries to pull Viking onto the chairs in a scissors hold take down, but Viking resists the pull of torque assisted gravity and executes Kenny with a MASSIVE power bomb. Beef tries a running charge to the corner, but gets nothing but post and looks awfully goofy doing it. Viking scrapes Beef off the mat for a standing Tarantula followed up, naturally, by a Tarantula face plant. Viking holds up Beef and Kenny runs over to twist his head off with a neck breaker. Kamikaze Kid and Malaka are starting to get agitated over all these attacks on Beef, so Viking jumps off the ring apron on top of them. Kenny goes up top and takes everybody out. ( Except for Malaka, who, once again, mystifies me by doing something intelligent. ) Kamikaze Kid incensed by “Kids today. No RESPECT for their elders” or something like that, drags Kenny in and lays him out. Kamikaze Kid climbs up top and leaps for a twirling elbow drop on Kenny. The Kid gets right back to his feet for a standing twirling elbow drop on Kenny. During this time, Beef has been busy with Viking. Beef has set up a table outside the ring, with Viking stunned on top of the table. Beef rolls into the ring, holds up Kenny in an under-hook pile driver position and shakes his head, “No,” deciding instead to carry Kenny over to the ring apron and lift him up in an under-hook pile driver position and drop him through Viking and through the table. Beef rolls Kenny’s limp body back into the ring, and puts him in a head lock. Red holds his arm up and drops it ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES A LADY! Beef wins by KO at 11:40. On the outside, Malaka is busy stomping hisself a Viking mud hole and walking it dry. Beef casually picks up Kenny and throws him at Viking’s prone body. At this point, Damian and Sako Oh, the two tag partners in white exiled to the back, come running out to dispute all this extra curricular activity, and Hi-5 suddenly remembers a pressing engagement entertaining high society belles back in Westmount, so they book. Again, not a great match by Hi-5 standards, although it is not like you can blame Beef for the matches failings as Beef spent most of the match shaking his head in wonderment at the freaks in the ring in front of him. ( It’s all good though, because the Hardcore NINJAZ~ win! NINJAZ~ WIN! ) I KNOW. That’s awesome.
(edited by The Great and Mighty OZ on 28.11.02 1703)
Llakor Broadcast System Thursday, November 28th, 2002 LBS#8: IWS - UnFuckingSanctioned
Part Three of Three
At this moment, the IWS management start bringing back the weapons and handing them back to the fans. They are also handing out masks and goggles to those in the front rows. Sensing blood, mayhem and flying glass, I flee my position near the ring, and circle back to the Red Army position where there is now plenty of room since all the vampires have abandoned their perches to get closer to the ring. ( I thought that you said that they were going to WEED out the deadlier weapons. Because I am looking at this stuff, and it looks like we are on the set of a snuff film, and not one of those namby-pamby quick kill snuff films either. This looks like the set decorations for Cannibal Holocaust 2: Urban Gorillas. ) I had hoped that they were going to weed out some of the deadlier implements, but my idea of a deadly instrument and Manny’s are probably not similar. Iron Mike Patterson is back out with a mike, “I am going to be watching this entire show from my car.” Both Peanut and Red are out as refs. They are both wearing goggles and gloves and a sanding mask. “The rules are... there are NO FUCKIN’ RULES! Please do not actually use these weapons. Only the participants should use the weapons. Remember that these are professionals. Let them decide what weapons to use and when. Let’s have a moment of silence for these wrestlers.” ( Can I just say that handing a bunch of drunken vampires a shitload of wood, barb-wire and glass has got to be the SMARTEST IDEA EVER? ) Seriously. “We at the IWS guarantees that someone is going to die tonight. At 540 pounds, the IWS champion from the Ancient Green Hills of Two Mountains, Green Phantom and his partner The Natural Superstar, Steve Royds.” Steve steals a mask and goggles from Broom Boy. Good plan Steve! ( Better plan would be joining Iron Mike Patterson in his car for the duration of this match. In fact, that is where we should be right now. ) A good reporter never abandons his post. ( RIGHT. Read many first hand accounts of being at ground zero at Hiroshima? Didn’t think so. ) “Their opponents, LOBO! and PCP, Crazy FUCKING Manny!” Unlike the Green Phantom and Steve Royds, Lobo and Manny already have weapons. The crowd starts a “LOBO” chant. “Ring the Fucking Bell!” It is 11:58. Manny chases Green Phantom through the crowd, and back into the ring met by Steve Royds. Steve muscles Manny over in a suplex. Green Phantom tags in and chair shots Manny in the knee. He follows up with a sit out Phantom bomb on Manny, and shoves Manny off to get some weapons. Phantom with light tubes, breaks one on Manny’s back and another, and one on Manny’s face and another on Manny’s back. Lobo has this bewildered expression on his face like a Roman centurion in Asterix saying, “Sont fous ces Gaulois!!” But, to his credit, he grabs the first weapon at hand, a snow board light tube combination, and charges in to save his partner and then double team Green Phantom with the snow board. Lobo clothes lines Green Phantom and then drops him on a light tube, and covers for one and two and no. Steve Royds comes charging in and he hits Lobo with something. ( I don’t know what it is either, but it looks painful. ) Green Phantom does the foot stomp on Lobo with a skateboard and light tube assist. Someone slides Lobo a ping pong paddle covered in a light tube, and his serve to Green Phantom’s head is good! Lobo picks up a light tube and he brings that sucker down like Obi-Wan cutting up thugs in the Mos Eisley Cantina. Green Phantom retaliates with his own light tube hit and while his form is nowhere near as good as Lobo’s it is nonetheless effective. Someone has brought glass shower doors and Green Phantom puts one in one corner, one in another corner and a huge wooden cross in the third. ( I am glad to see the cross, because prayer would seem to be a good idea at this very moment. ) The skateboard and light tube combo seems to be popular, because Green Phantom has another one and he uses it to punctuate a running foot stomp to Lobo’s back. Phantom throws a chair at Manny and follows up by Phantom-plexing Manny through the cross.
At this point someone throws a chair at Steve Royds, and Steve just SNAPS, ending up holding up some chump to my right by the collar. There was some criticism of Steve’s behaviour after the event, and Lord knows I am not condoning Steve’s actions, but throwing a chair at a wrestler at the best of times is an incredibly stupid idea. In an environment like Fans Bring the Weapons it rises almost to the level of Darwin Prize stupidity. ( There was also some suggestion that Steve grabbed the wrong guy. ) That I don’t know about. It happened just to my right, but I was focused on the ring. I will say that the guy that Steve grabbed had been riding Steve all night, and when Steve grabbed him he didn’t say, “It wasn’t me,” he said instead, “I’m sorry.” When I say that he had been riding Steve, by the way, I draw a distinction between yelling at a wrestler, “Manny is going to kick your ass!” and yelling, “I am going to kick your ass!” I ride Iceberg and FOD pretty hard, but I would never be stupid enough to suggest that I could take either of them in a fight. ( Most damage you would do to them is Iceberg laughing himself sick. ) Thank you, I think. None of this is to say that a wrestler is ever justified going after a fan, but Steve never hurt this guy, he just scared the shit out of him and maybe stretched his shirt a little. It is yet another reason that I am not a big fan of this particular match.
Back in the ring, Phantom drops a leg and misses, and Lobo hits him in the head with something nasty. Lobo grabs another weapon, and Steve, seeing his partner in trouble, charges back to the ring, and it all breaks down into chaos and flying wood and clouds of glass and shards of barbed wire. During the melee, Manny goes flying through one of the shower doors, and it is becoming increasingly obvious that Manny is taking the worst beating of anyone in this match. ( That is hardly a surprise. In any given match, Manny takes the worst beating of anyone. ) True. The ironic thing is that his tag partner Lobo seems to be leading a charmed life. Both Phantom and Royds seem to just miss him, case in point, Phantom tries to Irish Whip Lobo into an Ironing board and Lobo counters the Phantom into it instead, while Steve Royds hits Manny in the head with a light tube. Lobo runs over waving a chair to save Manny, but Steve ducks just in time and Lobo breaks the chair over Manny’s head. Steve Royds grabs a golf club and drives Lobo to the outside, where he and Green Phantom start brawling through the crowd. Back in the ring, Steve Royds hits yet another light tube on Manny who reels into the Green Phantom with a cinder block. Manny is DEAD. Lobo finally catches up to the Green Phantom who Phantom-Plexes Lobo from the ring apron to the inside. Steve has propped some light tubes on two chairs. He picks up Manny and drops him through the tubes, but Steve’s momentum runs him into the light tube fragments as well, and both men look worse for the wear. Green Phantom is holding Lobo up, and Steve grabs an obsolete Nintendo and batters Lobo with it. ( OH! The humanity! Mario! Luigi! Princess! Lost! All Lost! ) Steve decides that this is no time for fun and games, grabbing a frying pan, and waffling Lobo with it. Crashing to the ground, Lobo grabs a hockey stick and brings it up to low blow a charging Steve Royds. ( For a Yankee, he sure knows how to swing a hockey stick. Wonder if he has played before? ) Steve retreats, grabs a shopping cart, and runs Lobo down like a diet-pill popping house wife on double coupon day. Meanwhile, Green Phantom has dragged Manny to the top and he Super Phantom-Plexes Manny through chairs and all kinds of debris. OUCH! Steve Royds picks up the shopping cart and drops it on Manny’s twitching body. Steve then fills up the cart with all kinds of debris and crap and rams Lobo with it again. Green Phantom picks up Lobo and holds him up for a clothes line by Steve Royds. Both Manny and Lobo are DEAD. Phantom and Lobo go looking for weapons, find a pot by someone who has been growing light tubes. ( He must have an electrical thumb. ) The potted light tubes are propped on chairs. Lobo rallies on Green Phantom, so Steve Royds super kicks him, giving Green Phantom the chance to drop Lobo through the potted light tubes. Phantom rolls Lobo outside, and sets up a table on the outside, he picks up Lobo, but Lobo reverses and drops the Green Phantom through the table. The ring is a MESS! ( Somewhere, somehow that kitchen sink got busted in half, I’m guessing that Manny was involved. ) Manny is building a table and covering it in weapons. Green Phantom has a ping pong paddle and Lobo is served, Phantom style. ( Look, I know that Lobo is a guest, but Manny gets hit in the head with a KITCHEN SINK! and Lobo gets hit in the head with a ping pong paddle. Who are they trying to kid? ) You make a valid argument. Green Phantom Phantom bombs Lobo through some of the debris covering the ring, and covers for ONE! and TWO! and NO! Manny takes a chair shot to the Phantom, following up with a Junkie bomb. He covers the IWS champion. Peanut dives to count and... gets punked out by Steve Royds. Lobo is up, he is enraged with some monstrous device in his hands. He charges Steve Royds with it, but he hits MANNY with it! Steve Royds starts a CZW chant. ( Can I withdraw all my complaints about Lobo not taking his fair share of punishment. Thanks. ) Green Phantom pins Manny. Red is in to count and... he gets punked out by Royds and Lobo. Steve has got the mike, “You stupid idiots. Lobo, he’s my freaking boss. Did you really think that the owner of CZW was going to be on Manny’s side?” All three men start beating on the downed Manny. Lobo has the mike and is looking Green Phantom up and down admiringly, “Let’s see if you have what it takes. Show me how bad you want it. Put him through the table.” ( So, I guess if we go back to your bull elephant metaphor that Lobo would be a gay bull elephant? ) He certainly is liking the view as the Green Phantom strips off Manny’s shirt and puts Manny through the table. Lobo proclaims, “Let me introduce you to two of the newest members of CZW!” The screen is down, and Zandig appears on the screen. His promo is marred by muffled sound but there is nothing wrong with his intensity as he breaks a light tube on a brick wall behind him. “Lobo, you stole my company from me. If I have to got to Canada to get you Lobo, then I’m gonna kill you in Canada. You WILL give me the rematch that I deserve. I’m gonna take my company back!” The NINJAZ~ are out with light tubes. They knock out Green Phantom and Steve Royds with light tubes, before turning their attention to Lobo who also eats some light tubes. The NINJAZ~ cover his prone body with chairs, go up top with chairs and drop the chair assisted leg on him. The Green Phantom and Steve Royds collect their boss and escort him to the back under the watchful eye of the Hardcore NINJAZ~. Manny staggers back to his feet and the NINJAZ~ help him to the back, but Manny stops and turns back at the entrance with a mike, “FUCK CZW! This is the I FUCKING W FUCKING S. Any other promotion can go FUCK THEMSELVES!”
The show ended at 12:20. I talked briefly with Sexxxy Eddy and lavished praise on his three way match, calling it innovative. I am actually not the right person to judge those sort of things really. I don’t watch enough lucha libre or puroresu or indy stuff to be able to call anything innovative. But I can say that it is my second favourite IWS match of all time, falling just behind Onyx vs. Arsenal from Tournament of the Icons. While, we were talking, Elsa Bangz came up to say goodbye to Eddy. This was a perfect opportunity for me to shake Elsa’s hand and introduce myself, and I froze as stiff as a MacDonald’s St-Patrick’s Day Mint shake. The truly odd thing is that I have suffered from L’esprit de l’escalier often enough, where you think of the perfect thing to say only after you are walking down the stairs afterwards, but in this case, it is three months later and I still have no idea what I would say to Elsa. ( You are so pathetic, it’s embarrassing to be seen in public with you. But as long as we are talking about Elsa, I do have a question for you. In the recap for IWS Scarred for Life you said that there was a comparison to be made between Elsa’s breasts and Renaissance artwork. ) Right, but like I said, I prefer to save that metaphor for Know Your Enemies. ( Well, I have been studying some Renaissance artwork, Boticellis mostly, and it had come to my attention that Renaissance artists tended to prefer, well, chunky women. So, my question is, are you saying that Elsa is some kind of FATTY? ) God, No! Look, moron, the reason that the women in Renaissance artwork look fat to you is that the standards for beauty at the time were different. Because it was difficult to get enough to eat, a well-fed woman was more likely to be able to have babies safely, and was therefore more attractive to Renaissance men. Today, getting enough to eat is not a problem, so our standards of beauty have shifted. Because it is difficult to get the time to work out, we tend to find beauty in women who are able to find time for diet and exercise. Unfortunately, we take it to extremes at times and we end up making boy-like starved heroin-addicted waifs our standard of beauty. ( That’s all very interesting Encyclopedia Brown, but either you are ducking the question, or you are now accusing Elsa of being a heroin addict. ) GAAAHHH!! Look. Elsa looks good. She is not a “FATTY” as you so sympathetically put it, and she doesn’t look like Callista Flockhart either, like if she ate a cracker her system would go into shock from too many calories. She just looks healthy, okay? ( Touchy, touchy. ) And as long as we are talking about Callista Flockhart, what the hell is the deal with her and Harrison Ford? They can’t be having sex. ( How do you figure? ) Even pushing 60, Indiana Jones would still snap her like a stalk of celery if he actually Fucked her. Either that or he would cut himself on all her sharp angles and bleed to death afterwards. ( Or both. ) Yeah, or both. As long as we are bringing up stuff from previous recaps, I was taking a look through our recap for Tournament of the Icons, and I have a question for YOU! ( Uh-Oh. ) In THAT recap, you were attacking Precious Lucy for “She put her hands on Arsenal's Kendo Stick! She hit Arsenal with his own Kendo Stick! For that she must die! “ But by the time of the Fringe Festival, two weeks later, you were all googly-eyed, and talking about her as “the female Ric Flair.” ( Very good point. ) So, isn’t that inconsistent of you? ( Nope. Tournament of the Icons was held in a dark arena. The Fringe was held outdoors in the sunlight. It gave me an opportunity to observe that Precious Lucy truly has a WORLD-CLASS ASS. It truly is a wonder to behold. Changed my opinion on her completely. ) You have absolutely no shame, you realize that. ( What’s shame when it’s at home? Can I talk some more of how amazing Precious Lucy’s Ass is? Especially when she’s wearing tight vinyl pants! ) No, we’ll move on I think. ( AWWW!! )
Just as with the previous show, UnFuckingSanctioned presented me with a dilemma. On one hand, there were only two matches on the card that I actually liked. I admired the story telling of the main event, but that kind of blood bath is not my cup of tea, and aside from the NINJAZ~ match and the three way, the other matches were messy, sloppy and disjointed. ( You are forgetting the TNT match. That was pretty good. ) No, I’m ignoring the TNT match, because I didn’t see it. ( Oh. RIGHT! Never mind. )
All of that said, I liked this show. I walked away with a bounce in my step. By comparison, the previous show, Scarred For Life, I liked almost all the matches but I hated the show. I couldn’t figure it out. ( Definitely a puzzler. ) And then it occurred to me that the big difference was the NINJAZ~. At Scarred for Life, the NINJAZ~ won or, to be more accurate, the NINJAZ~ got screwed, and I got furious. At UnFuckingSanctioned, the NINJAZ~ won, and I got happy.
In other words, I MARKED OUT. I marked without promos. I marked without pyro. I marked without head locks. I marked without arm bars. I marked without valets, without goofy angles, without t-shirts. I marked with no warning, no decorations, no lights. I marked without knowing I marked. I marked without getting the F out. I marked without a Fink, or a McMahon. I marked just the same. ( You marked with a fox on a box? You marked with a stoat on a boat? Did you mark out Sam-I-Am? ) What in the Blue Hell are you jabbering about? ( Sorry. I thought we were doing a thing. Never Mind. ) I swear, you get weirder every recap.
Now, I would never tell any man who or what to mark for. And Lord know that there are probably many out there who think that my reviews of the IWS are full of shit. There are even those out there who deride the IWS as a bunch of “spot monkeys” They may even be correct to label them with that slur, although I wouldn’t repeat it around me when I had a folding chair near at hand. All, I can say at the end of the day, when you ask me about the IWS is...
I’m a NINJA~MARK, and I’M PROUD! Make Mine NINJA~! ( AMEN, Brother, AMEN )
Until my next heaping helping of IWS and NINJA~ goodness, I remain, Yours Truly,
Llakor, that Lousy Canuck Former [slash] Contributour