"If ya wanna me see go make a buncha shitty movies no one will ever watch, gimme an 'Oh heck yes'!" -- Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen, recently.
Welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SOMEWHAT HAIRY edition of Inside The Ropes, the only wrestling column that also advertises a "Best Shirt Ever! EVER!!!". I'm Canadian Bulldog, jobber to the stars. Welcome.
As you all know by know unless you're stupid or Matt Hocking, we are just TWENTY-SEVEN days away from "The Grandfather Of Them All"; "The Showcase Of The Immaterials"; an event so big, they had no choice but to call it: WrestelMania XXX1: WrestelMania Goes Bollywood.
What kind of in-depth analysis can I give you marks readers that's different from what you're getting on other websites? I thought about this burning question for at least thirty seconds. Then it hit me: a piece of my ceiling (we are having plaster problems like you wouldn't BELIEVE). But once I came to, I was WAY behind schedule and had to provide this piece of shit instead:
The ONLY WrestelMania Preview You Need (Unless You Want One That's Factually Accurate)
First, a few facts about the big event. DID YOU KNOW?:
• The show is named after its creator, socialite Russ L. Mania the Twenty-First? • Future Hall O' Famer Hollywood Hal Kogan may break his usual ban of public appearances to make a rare cameo? • On SuNdAy nIghT hEAt, tag team champions William Royal and Takajiri are expected to take on the team of No One. • World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated is REFUSING to allow Iraqi superstar Mohachmed Hussein to wrestle on the show because he's racist? • World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated is REFUSING to allow HI-DAN-RIKE, Chris Masterpiece, SHNITSKY!!! and Kenzozoki Sazozuki to wrestle on the show because they ABSOLUTELY SUCK? • Expected in the audience of the show is B-movie actor Stuart Stone, who'd better show up with a Canadian Bulldog-related sign, if he knows what's fucking good for him?
And now, onto the matches:
TALE OF THE TAPE
Name
From
Weight
Height
Strengths
Weaknesses
Deacon Bautista
Washington Monument
300ish
Big!
Many
Afraid to be touched
Triple HHH
Vince MacMahon's guest house
Don't know
6 feet plus
Banging bosses daughter
Pushes young talent too much
Who could have predicted just three short weeks ago that the two co-founders of Revolution would be squaring off? No one, that's who!!!
The problem here is that Bautista obviously never knew how good he had it until he betrayed his former teammates. He could have been someone. He could have been a contender. But now, Triple HHH will have to show him why everyone calls him "The Criminal Assassin."
Official Prediction: Too close to call.
TALE OF THE TAPE
Name
From
Weight
Height
Strengths
Weaknesses
John Ceno
The Mean Streets of Somewhere
Cruiser
Average
Yo, you can't see him
Suffers from acute cheappopitis
John Breadshaw Lagerfeld
Wall Street, Texas
Too much
6"10 or 5"9
Bigot
Rapist
I understand that Smack! Down district manager T.D. Long made this match, but otherwise I would have figured it was made in WORKRATE HEAVEN!!!
One of these guys is rich, snobby and racist, while JLB has proven time and time again that he is a "wrestling dog". One can only wonder what happens when SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CULTURES COLLIDE.
Official Prediction: Not sure.
TALE OF THE TAPE
Name
From
Weight
Height
Strengths
Weaknesses
Kur Tangle
The Olympics
A slim, trim 217 pounds
Barely
The three I's: Intestiny, Importance and the other one
Neck keeps breaking, falling off
Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels
San Antonio Spurs
No, you wait
Varies
Xtreme Sexiness
Blades at least once an hour
These two former "tag team specialists" are finally ready to prove to the world that they, too, can wrestle an adequate match in a one-on-one situation.
This all started when HKB "accidentally" eliminated Tangle from the Regal Rumble. Then, in a shocking turn of events, Tangle disguised himself as a cameraman and attacked himself at a Smack! Down taping, leaving himself lying in a pool of his own blood. From there, McMichaels tried to imitate all of his own career highlights on Raw, such as Refusing To Put Over Brett Heart and Being Beat Up By A Bunch Of Marines.
Official Prediction: Yes.
TALE OF THE TAPE
Name
From
Weight
Height
Strengths
Weaknesses
Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!
Same town as his punk-ass dad
Probably
5"21
Never has to lug around cumbersome books
None whatsoever
The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To
The Morgue
340 kg
Yes
Advantageous position of being deceased
The guy ain't in his 40's anymore, if ya catch my drift
It's the age old question all of you marks fans have been asking: What would happen if a legend who refuses to job ever faced off against a moron?
Obviously, the momentum is currently with ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! because his father, Father Orton, is being indicted into the Hall O' Fame, and also because he recently gave his H20 finisher to Stacey Keebler. But will that be enough when he's going against a man who's 176-0 at WrestelMania? WILL IT???
Official Prediction: WELL, WILL IT???
TALE OF THE TAPE
Name
From
Weight
Height
Strengths
Weaknesses
Chris Benwah
Edmonton, Atlanta
Under control
Vanilla midget
Technical wrestling specialist
Bad breath
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain
Also from The Morgue
6"6
303 pounds
Fire
Leeta is two-timing him
The Christian
The Vatican
Could stand to a lose a few pounds
5.5 metres
They don't call him "Captain Christmas" for nothing!
Snidely Whiplash-style moustache
ThEdge
Bulldog's backyard -- literally (you better return that frisbee, BASTARD!)
23 metric tonnes
Yes
Not afraid to sleep his way to the top
Leeta is two-timing him
Sheldon Benjamin
What do I look like, a fucking Atlas?
Who cares?
Honestly, are you even READING this at this point?
P.S. I have murdered several people
P.S.S. Actor Stuart Stone is gay
Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho
Don't know
Unknown
Not sure
n/a
Leeta is two-timing him
If the idea of six guys repeatedly tossing themselves off aluminum stepladders is what you want, then THIS IS THE MATCH FOR YOU, PALLY!!!
The winner of this match will be the first person to grab hold of the glass ceiling!!! And then they get to shatter it!!! And that will make Triple HHH cry!!! But there's nothing he can do about it because it's part of the stipulation!!! And so he'll make Nature Guy Ricky Flare job to The Brooklyn Basher because he's so pissed!!! And it will be the best match ever!
Official Prediction: EVER!!!
TALE OF THE TAPE
Name
From
Weight
Height
Strengths
Weaknesses
Kirstie Hemmey
Playboy Mansion, living with Hugh Hebner
Won't tell us
6 foot something
Often naked
Sudden emergence of facial hair
Tritch Stratus
My dreams!
375 lbs.
Height
Has captured Bulldog's heart
SLUT!!!
These ladies are mad at each other for appearing on consecutive covers of Playgirl Magazine. But I ask ya, is THAT a reason to have a feud? (Sigh) women…
Of note is that The Returning And No Longer Pregnant But Still Slutty Leeta will be a neutral corner, making sure that neither competitor pulls off any moves without injuring themselves.
Official Prediction: Don't care.
TALE OF THE TAPE
Name
From
Weight
Height
Strengths
Weaknesses
The Best Show
Deepest, Darkest Africa
5,000 pounds
9"3
Wears a Mr. T-style Mohawk quite well
Fat
Akeboner
China
5,000,000,000,000,000,000 ounces
4"2
Fat
Banzai!
Everywhere I go these days (airports, hotels, NAMBLA meetings), people come up to me and say "Who is this Akeboner guy?". To which I respond "Thanks for the compliment!!!". Then they usually walk away quietly…
The Best Show is in for the BEST SHOW (pun not intended) of his life, putting the over the fat Asian superstar in the center of the ring. This one all comes down to which wrestler wants it more, and also whom the bookers have predetermined will win.
Official Prediction: This prediction brought to you by IcoPro -- "you've got to want it".
TALE OF THE TAPE
Name
From
Weight
Height
Strengths
Weaknesses
Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera
Spain
112 pounds
3"9
He lies. He cheats. He steals.
He lies. He cheats. He steals.
Roy Mysterio Junior
New Spain
12 pounds
0"3
Fast
Furious
This dream team was getting along just fine until earlier this year, when Guerrera accused Mysterio of "lusting after" Elizabeth. But they continued to stick it out until Guerrera abandoned his partner during a match with The Twin Towers. And the end of the show came with Roy walking through the halls muttering "Edddddddddddddie! Eddddddddddie! EDDDDDDDDDIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And now… the team of Guerrera and Mysterio EXPLODES, here at WrestelMania!!!
Official Prediction: Put the smart money on the guy with Latin heritage.
TALE OF THE TAPE
Name
From
Weight
Height
Strengths
Weaknesses
Rod Roddy Piper
Glasgow, Scotland, England, Wales, Ireland
at least 400
Head and shoulders above the competition
Crazy
No, seriously
Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
For the first time ever, two of the biggest drinkers/drug-abusers/psychos/wifebeaters will "lock horns" on the grandest stage of them all. Who will win? Folks… who WON'T win?
Official Prediction: Hard to pick a winner
There you have it. From where I sit (my living room, avoiding the falling plaster), this one is shaping up to be the biggest, baddest and most boring paper-view ever! (EVER!!!).
If you have any questions, comments or want to e-mail me with the results (I won't be watching it), drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard here first, it’s… Inside The Ropes.
Thread ahead: WrestleMania Special Edition!!! Next thread: OddS - Wrestlemania 21 Previous thread: When We Were Marks: A Hardcore Ninja Fractured Fairy Tale
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