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The W - Pro Wrestling - your your your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 7/31/2003!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1227 days
Last activity: 1224 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
Heeeey! I`m back. I was sleepy last week. Yes, I was.

WHAT WORKED-
- Rey Rey comes out with Kidman. Shelton Benjamin comes out with Haas. Kidman is the most boring wrestler in the history of junior heavyweight wrestling. Haas is a bikini-clad Yvonne Craig in a vat of Wesson Oil in 1965 by comparison. Rey takes the cool ass shoulder bump into the ringpost early and we have a modified Southern tag for your pleasure. And you find it pleasing. Shelton acts on the shoulder with nice shoulderbreakers. Rey Rey snapmares Benjamin`s shoulder into the ringpost and we have a STALEMATE! Rey Rey sells the shoulder while on offense and Benjamin drives it into the mat and Benjamin goes back to work. They have some hi-jinx and Rey Rey hits the 619 and rolls up Shelton in a short, but perfectly fine match. It was your basic Wendy`s Value Meal, but it wasn`t even Biggie Sized or anything.

- Nidia comes in while Jamie is taking care of some man-business. Fuck yeah I would fuck Nidia before I would fuck Torrie. REAL MEN touched themselves to the sight of Nidia`s sweet ass and eagerly acquitted their MANLY tension by blowing a MANLY Old Spice-scented load over their Normandy Beach D-Day Commemorative medallions. Fuck yeah, I`d tag that. Fuck yeah.

- Tajiri and Spanky check out Angle`s junk for some reason. Warts, clamedia- WHA?

- Eddy`s ride is fucking awesome. Tajiri in the trunk? THE MIST! Fuck you ref. HE CAN`T SEE! HE CAN`T WRESTLE! GET OFF HIS BACK! FUCK YOU, REF! GOD! So they wrestle and it`s perfectly fine. Eddy`s mullet is sucking it. Tazz gets over the psychology really well when they hit the Superplex and Eddy steps up to the plate and sells really well to get the drama up from the cruise control first half of the match. Tajiri`s last flurry was really nice- as Eddy and Tajiri up the stiffness a bit and they time the kick outs really well. Eddy hits the SWEEEET low blow and I love this match. The belt and the mist and BOY! did they need this much booking? Oy gevalt! Eh. Either way, perfectly fine wrestling.

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

After the dance, in the woods, by the cemetary.

``Oh Jennifer, oh Jenny. Your lips are so soft and so heavenly. Kissing you is all ever vant to do.`` Jennifer pulls Baron closer and kisses him deeply. Baron tries to kiss her as dramatically and romantically as he can muster- trying to kiss her like he were Sean Connery or Lawrence Olivier. She was Merle Oberon in his personal world and she was as deep as Lake Huron and more than he could ever comprehend- at least in his mind at this point.

``I vant to touch you.... ``

``No... not there....``

``Please.... I love you....``

``No, Baron... we can`t...`` Jennifer takes Baron`s hand from her breast.

``I am sorry. I`m a little caught up in zis. It is more than I can control I zink.``

``Yeah, I`m getting a little caught up to. We shouldn`t...``

``Yes, let me kiss you again and then ve vill go to Pizza Hut now. Ve must control our URGES. Ve must take love our love slow. I must hold on loosely. But I do love you and I don`t want to ever make you feel.... uncomfortable.``

Baron was confused and filled with self-loathing. `Why would you do that? Why would you fuck this up? No. I will not let mein dick ruin my life.`

Jennifer was confused and filled with self-loathing. ``I want to. But I can`t. Yet.`

TO BE CONTINUED.

- Shannon Moore doesn`t kill Zack Gowan like you would want, but Zach does bump like a fucking freak. Matt motherfucking Hardy tripping the one-legged guy is fucking GOLD. Gowan has a fun- if unlikely- offense and Shannon made it look great. Matt Hardy is fucking AWESOME being the complete dick and killing the one-legged man dead. I wept out of love for the TRUE dickish heelishness of Matt Hardy. I wept with love for you, the beloved reader. I wept at the beauty of you and me enjoying the intrinsic greatness of Matt Hardy being such a complete dick. Absolutely fabulous.

- John Cena`s Moses Malone St Louis Spirit jersey was fucking AWESOME.

-WELLLLLLLLllll IT`S THE BIG SHOW! OH IT`S THE BIG BAD SHOW TONIGHT! A week away brings back the love to the Big Show theme. The main event is fabulous as Lesnar is all big and athletic and does stuff the folks in the viewing audience can`t do. Big Show is all active and unsucklike in this. Lesnar is the glue of this match and his gigantic offense is enough for me to love this- especially the two Released Belly-to-belly suplexes.

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-
- Angle the gracious winner is annoying. At least Vince McMahon came out and stopped Brock and Curt before they started tongue-kissing in the middle of the ring. Suddenly, Lesnar believes what McMahon says when he accuses Angle of stabbing Brock in the back. I guess the shithead writers want Vince to ``play with their heads!`` But why would any face take Vince`s word at face value. Maybe the ``writers`` of Smackdown should study the superior-in-comparison clarity and logic of a few episodes of ``Family Matters``. This shit is retarded. Match might be fun, but that would be up there.

- FUCK HER, JAMIE! FUCK HER GOOD! FUCK HER TILL IT YER RED N RAW! The Good love/bad love paddle is fucking beautiful. Of course, a real white trash motherfucker would be sporting the Puka beads while unleashing the mayonnaise into his skanky bleached conquest. And Torrie acts like she hasn`t sucked a doughie fat guys dick for the lobster bisque- and I`m not buying that- so why the big deal of accepting the blast of the fit, tanned and virile Jamie Noble? And shouldn`t Jamie Noble have shown her his Richard Petty #43 Memorial Cockring?

- Benoit vs Rhyno will be fun. Benoit beating the shit out of Doink is a fucking dream come true. He just kinda squashes him though. Why the fuck didn`t he cripple him? Stretcher the clown. It would have ruled. En lieu......

- Cena doesn`t show no respect for the love that Orlando Jordan and the Undertaker have for each other- the love between a young man and an older man, a beautiful blossoming love. Orlando Jordan is soooooooooooo Ranger Ross 3000. This sucked but I don`t blame Cena. Worst Death Valley Driver since Stevie Ray called it quits. Okay, I blame him for that.

- Torrie pusses out on the menage a trois with Nidia and Jamie. Billy comes in and Billy pusses out on the menage a trois with Jamie and Nidia. Fucking pussies. Who writes this shit? AMERICA WANTS BILLY`S SWEET ASS! Fucking idiots.... Oh wait. YEAH! Maybe this does work....

- Sable comes out and they show highlights of Sable beating Jaromir Jagr after A-Train runs in. Jagr`s been working on his upperbody in the off season and he grew his mullet back. GODSPEED! Sable then introduces A-Train and the Big Show and her collagen-filled lips make her pronunciation all weird and unnaturally lispy and I weep for her in my soul.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.






YES, I AM DEAN.
Promote this thread!
ScreamingHeadGuy
Frankfurter








Since: 1.2.02
From: Appleton, WI

Since last post: 684 days
Last activity: 684 days
#2 Posted on
Why does it have to be Old Spice-scented?

And will we EVER end the Baron's flashback?



Fashion Reporter Extraordinare

DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1227 days
Last activity: 1224 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
Why wouldn't it be? and in a couple years.

DEAN.



YES, I AM DEAN.
IncredibleHeelHeat
Linguica








Since: 18.6.02
From: Upstate Oklahoma

Since last post: 3620 days
Last activity: 2686 days
#4 Posted on
Matt Hardy doesn't rule the universe just yet, but he's mighty close. I also loved his fun fact when he came out for that retarded barfight on Vengeance: Matt hates barfights. Give him a series of matches with Benoit, dammit!


WHAT DIDN'T WORK: Vince on my screen during the show. Also the too brief TSAOAW. Needs more Skandar!


(edited by IncredibleHeelHeat on 31.7.03 2049)


"Since I look forward to the Workrate Reports like Tammy Sytch looks forward to Half-Off-For-Crack-Whores Night at the local IHOP, rest assured that had I read his sucker punch joke first, I would have skipped my own, for Dean rules."

- Scott Keith, 4-10-002
darkmatcher
Bockwurst








Since: 12.2.03
From: New York, USA

Since last post: 2611 days
Last activity: 1687 days
#5 Posted on
-Tajiri and Spanky check out Angle`s junk for some reason...

Hate to be picky but that was Funaki, not Tajiri.
Carry on. :)



what you say
Jackson
Sujuk








Since: 4.1.02

Since last post: 1925 days
Last activity: 1451 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.10
You know how ScreamingHeadGuy immediately chimes every week with some critique of the Workrate Report? Has anyone else seen that "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" show?

Exactly!



Eddie Famous
Andouille








Since: 11.12.01
From: Catlin IL

Since last post: 269 days
Last activity: 263 days
#7 Posted on


    Originally posted by IncredibleHeelHeat
    Matt hates barfights. Give him a series of matches with Benoit, dammit!


Better yet, make them a series of matches with the stipulation that Matt Hardy actually cannot appear for them. Then have someone else wrestle for him that isn't Test. Yes, that sounds pretty good...



The ghost of a steam train - echoes down my track
It's at the moment bound for nowhere -
just going round and round
Playground kids and creaking swings -
lost laughter in the breeze
I could go on for hours and I probably will -
but I'd sooner put some joy back
In this town called malice
The King of Keith
Lap cheong








Since: 4.11.02
From: Winchester, VA

Since last post: 249 days
Last activity: 209 days
AIM:  
#8 Posted on
Come on, Dean! Isn't calling her Jaromir Jagr just a little harsh? She's way tougher than Jagr and isn't nearly as overrated!



Yes, I like HHH! What's so wrong with that?
CRZ
Big Brother
Administrator








Since: 9.12.01
From: ミネアポリス

Since last post: 6 hours
Last activity: 5 hours
AIM:  
ICQ:  
Y!:
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.65

    Originally posted by Eddie Famous
    Better yet, make them a series of matches with the stipulation that Matt Hardy actually cannot appear for them. Then have someone else wrestle for him that isn't Test. Yes, that sounds pretty good...
Oh, man - I thought you were gonna keep that gimmick on Delphi where it was getting over. ;-)



©CRZ™
Mandark
Linguica








Since: 20.9.02

Since last post: 4036 days
Last activity: 4031 days
#10 Posted on

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    Eddy`s ride is fucking awesome. Tajiri in the trunk? THE MIST! Fuck you ref. HE CAN`T SEE! HE CAN`T WRESTLE! GET OFF HIS BACK! FUCK YOU, REF! GOD! So they wrestle and it`s perfectly fine. Eddy`s mullet is sucking it. Tazz gets over the psychology really well when they hit the Superplex and Eddy steps up to the plate and sells really well to get the drama up from the cruise control first half of the match. Tajiri`s last flurry was really nice- as Eddy and Tajiri up the stiffness a bit and they time the kick outs really well. Eddy hits the SWEEEET low blow and I love this match. The belt and the mist and BOY! did they need this much booking? Oy gevalt! Eh. Either way, perfectly fine wrestling.


Don't think of it as overbooking, think of it as a cousin of the intricate finishes of all those fabulous Heyman era tag matches. Except Eddy is exploring a rare form of wrestling psychology: The complex possibilites and permutations of cheating, deception, and general chicanery. It's an experiment we haven't seen in the US since William Regal was stashing brass knuckles in no less than 17 different places before his matches.

I await with bated breath the day when Eddy manages to cheat so much, that he wins the WWE Title in a match where it wasn't even on the line.
ScreamingHeadGuy
Frankfurter








Since: 1.2.02
From: Appleton, WI

Since last post: 684 days
Last activity: 684 days
#11 Posted on

    Originally posted by Jackson
    You know how ScreamingHeadGuy immediately chimes every week with some critique of the Workrate Report? Has anyone else seen that "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" show?

    Exactly!



Um, since I don't know about that show, I'll just be weirded-out by that comment might be implying. I immediately chime in because Dean posts just about the time I get done with my Smackdown! post. (Hate to ruin any of your carefully-wrought fantasies there.)



Fashion Reporter Extraordinare

DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1227 days
Last activity: 1224 days
#12 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85

    Originally posted by VanillaSky
    Come on, Dean! Isn't calling her Jaromir Jagr just a little harsh? She's way tougher than Jagr and isn't nearly as overrated!

-----------
DR: Awwww, he wears 68 to commemorate the Prague Spring. That rules. Then he cut the mullet and broke my heart....

DEAN.



YES, I AM DEAN.
Scott Summets
Sujuk








Since: 27.6.02

Since last post: 3841 days
Last activity: 3809 days
#13 Posted on
I can see the millions of 40 year old virgins sitting in their couches trying to yank their stuff to Torrie and not getting anywhere to the plastic barbee wannabee, when Nidia comes in and they get a tingle in their loins, their pepes grow huge, and they feel more satisifed than years of jackin' it to Princess Leia in Jedi after did for them. Thank you for giving these men a voice Dean.



Rorschach: "None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me."
redsoxnation
Scrapple








Since: 24.7.02

Since last post: 415 days
Last activity: 415 days
#14 Posted on
I know Benoit didn't kill the clown, but it still was the return of pissed off Benoit. That should have put it in What Worked.
Has Torrie finally achieved her lifetime goal of worse actress ever?
Anyone guessing that Peg Legged heart warming segment has replaced Hogan/Piper as the time Dean writes the Secret of Adventures of Al Wilson? And, for the love of God, where is Al?
A-Train pushed to main event level again and I still don't care.
Since Vince is in a cage next week, can they hopefully recreate X-Mas night '87 in Dallas and have Vince have a heart attack like Fritz Von Erich after he was beaten down before the Kerry Von Erich/Al Perez World Class World Title match?
Speaking of X-Mas in Dallas, next week should be a recreation of sorts of X-Mas night '82 with Kurt Angle playing Michael Hayes (not a nice thing to say about someone, but in this instance, its good) and Lesnar playing Kerry Von Erich (of course, this would mean Vince being Flair of '82, which should implode the universe); and the Summer of Kurt Angle Heeldom commencing.



Cubs, White Sox and Red Sox fans unite. Its time to overthrow the German Government and re-install our beloved Kaiser. Remember, Kaiser ='s World Series victories.
Jackson
Sujuk








Since: 4.1.02

Since last post: 1925 days
Last activity: 1451 days
#15 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.10

    Originally posted by ScreamingHeadGuy

      Originally posted by Jackson
      You know how ScreamingHeadGuy immediately chimes every week with some critique of the Workrate Report? Has anyone else seen that "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" show?

      Exactly!



    Um, since I don't know about that show, I'll just be weirded-out by that comment might be implying. I immediately chime in because Dean posts just about the time I get done with my Smackdown! post. (Hate to ruin any of your carefully-wrought fantasies there.)



Sorry, its just the whole Fashion Reporter critiquing the overt manliness that is DEAN~! that made me make the comparison. You would have to se the show I guess. Im not implying anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that.



DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1227 days
Last activity: 1224 days
#16 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85

    Originally posted by redsoxnation

    Anyone guessing that Peg Legged heart warming segment has replaced Hogan/Piper as the time Dean writes the Secret of Adventures of Al Wilson? And, for the love of God, where is Al?



DR: Oh yeah, that's when I write the Baron/Skandar stuff. Al may resurface in late 2005 when he is even MORE irrelevant to wrestling.

DEAN.



YES, I AM DEAN.
Eddie Famous
Andouille








Since: 11.12.01
From: Catlin IL

Since last post: 269 days
Last activity: 263 days
#17 Posted on


    Originally posted by CRZ

      Originally posted by Eddie Famous
      Better yet, make them a series of matches with the stipulation that Matt Hardy actually cannot appear for them. Then have someone else wrestle for him that isn't Test. Yes, that sounds pretty good...
    Oh, man - I thought you were gonna keep that gimmick on Delphi where it was getting over. ;-)


The World Must Know! I was thinking of calling it Edditude




The ghost of a steam train - echoes down my track
It's at the moment bound for nowhere -
just going round and round
Playground kids and creaking swings -
lost laughter in the breeze
I could go on for hours and I probably will -
but I'd sooner put some joy back
In this town called malice
odessasteps
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02
From: MD, USA

Since last post: 63 days
Last activity: 30 days
#18 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.41

You know, it would have made my day if "New Doink," since he was nominally a heel, had come out to the creepy Calliope music instead of the wacky clown music.

Evil Doink's music is among my favorite in the history of the company, along with the post-match Mankind music and the first Radicals theme.




Braving the horror show that is Comicon. We're not set up, but we'll be around all weekend.
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