LITANY OF EXCUSES- I missed the 6 Minute Turnaround again for what was originally an easy explanation that got longer and more irritating as the day proceeded. I went over to the beloved, good-lookin' and multi-talented [mul]DOOMSTONE's house last night- as he is expecting his first youngun and he needed my Mr. Furley-like assistance in concocting the soon-to-be-born bundle of joy's crib. Fingers were crushed, backs of heads were bashed by planks as we swung them to and fro in a confined space- what with me making with my Curley Joe Dorita to [m]DS's Shemp. We wept manly tears and hugged like men who had fought in the frontlines of Do-it-Yourself warfare. We drank our own urine and made a radio out of a potato and a razorblade. We finally made the call to my wife to get technical advice on the nechanics of the raising and lowering section of a crib and how to make it work without severing any fingers. So anyhoos, we watched the Smackdowns in-between burying claw hammers into each others' thighs and what a beautiful and bountiful wrestling-drenched bonanza it was. SO anyway, I decide to type a few notes into Hotmail and write it up at work after rewatching a few things this morning before I left for work. So of course, I get randomly drug tested at work first thing. I am a major cog in not having 8-inch gaslines explode across the state of Virginia so I can see the need for drug testing in my profession- so it isn't like my friend who rightfully told Circuit City to shove their job up their ass because why the fuck would you give a shit if a stereo salesman is on drugs on weekends. Who is it going to actually kill? So I have no moral outrage for my drugtest since I can see the point to it and that point is other than corporate shitheads reminding the hourly worker that you have to make a certain amount of money before you any right to privacy in this country. And THEN I type up the workrate report all up Hotmail and copy it and paste to a new window and it of course deletes everything. Imagine my hearty laugh as I laugh at the foibles of modern technology! HAHAHAHA! Oh, Microsoft, you festering boil on the rancid ass of corporate America, how I motherfucking hate you. So anyways, lemme say FUCK YOU AND YOUR CUM-GUZZLIN MOTHER, MICROSOFT. I am typing this first part on my computer at home which runs unAmerican open source Linux so I'm posting my notes and finishing it off on this very message board when I get back to work. Bill Gates can suck my Linux-scented 18 inch dick. Again.
-REY REY vs Billy: Billy is completely unrecognizable now when compared to the Vehicle Of Suckin It that he was before the inspired pairing with Chuck Palumbo. And here Billy is fabulous busting his ass trying to keep up with what Rey wants him to rudo- and he is quite the swanker-be-keistered Marabunta, rolling into Rey's ranas awkwardly but effectively. Plus Billy has this offense that doesn't suck now- with punches that don't make you wnat to throw up. Chuck is AWESOME with the post-MORTAL~! interruption/clothesline to the floor. Rey Rey's new love for the Carolina Tarheels and their sky blue colorscheme is problematic- if the Florida State vs UVA game is indication of the fate of the rest of the ACC. Maybe Rey should do the colors of a different ACC team every week. I await the Clemson contact lenses.
-Proposal: Chuck proposes to Billy and there isn't a dry eye in the house. I know I wept and deep in your heart, so did U. I can no longer lust after the ass of another man's man- as that is some kind of sin. We will all miss the spurty, gooey lust that we must separate ourselves from. Or something. I cannot wait for the ceremony next week and will wear a mesh muscle shirt in unity with my gay brothahs and sistahs.
-Jamie Noble vs Shannon Moore: Noble gives Moore 98% of the offense and thus Noble never establishes his Benoit Lite offense that wowed them in the indies. Moore does look great as his winning streak comes to an end- as he seems to have some spots he can hit with confidence and consistency and he also has good punches to carry him between spots. They need to heat this up and have them beat the shit out of each other because both can brawl like motherfuckers. [Go watch Moore vs Mathews table match from OMEGA]. It would rule since they are such lil guys. What they should do is.... [Rasmussen enters the hoary netherworld called FANTASYBOOKING]... have Jamie Noble get arrested for public drunkenness and resisting arrest and have him in the county jail for two week. Nidia comes to visit three days after he is sent in.
NIDIA: Hey, sugarbaby.
NOBLE: Well, I'm so glad you could finally make it. You been fucking Shannon Moore?
NIDAI: What?!? I would never...
NOBLE: Goddammit! I'ma kill you and I'ma kill him! GODDAMMIT! (lunges for Nidia who is sobbing uncontrollably).
Noble needs to take the next step to peckerwood sexual psychopath so that you and I both can relive our drunken 20s and hideous co-dependent relationships- and thus! the restraining orders they produced. Lets air out some psychological wounds and let them breathe.
: -Randy Orton vs Brock Lesnar: Orton wins the Bump Of The Fucking Year with that over the ringpost bump to the floor. They should follow up the cool past history at OVW aspect by having these two become tag partners at some point. It would get Orton over and legitimize him in the eyes of the fan and would also be ANOTHER Japanese Booking Tactic that they could utilize during this near perfect Lesnar push. And that finish was MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME.
-Rikishi and Edge talk about Rikishi's ass and Rikishi becomes offended when Edge speaks of his buttocks as a mere object of ridicule- as opposed to what it truly is: an allegory about the Blue Collar Man's Struggle to get the Man's Foot out his ass. Since Rikishi gets all philosophical about this- his Ass of Life- Rikishi takes away UPN's moral highground and thus the Evil Whyte Network Execs can no longer suppress (or bleep out) my Polynesian sangre's use of the the word "ass" anymore.
- Gay Positive Mark Henry vs Tajiri: Tajiri bumped well enough and Mark Henry capably sold Tajiri's offense and especially Tajiri's more lively than usual kicks so much that I overlooked the horrendously long set-up to the Chocolate Mousse. Plus, Mark Henry congratdulating the betrothed is the kinda shit we need in the Professional Wrestling.
- Brock/UT Summit: This had Nether Realm Of Not Working written all over it until Heyman SOMEHOW gets UT over as a sympathetic underdog and SIMULTANEOUSLY gets over Brock as Mr T in Rocky 3. I'm not doing this segment justice because Heyman is fucking brilliant in this. I certify him as Born Again Genius.
- DeVon vs Batista- Finlay chair thing: this match was nothing at all really, but the Finlay influence on Batista shows through already as he cribs the master's chair argumant with ref to set up transition of opponent to offense spot and I anxiously await Batista dropping an elbow across the throat of an opponent hanging off the apron.
- Jamie Noble=dog. Jamie Noble balking at the marriage talk of Nidia is funny in the shortrun but in the longrun, Noble as Sexually Possessive Redneck Psychopath would be far more intriguing than Noble as peckerwood romeo. Either way, Noble is your GOD and you need to send him 10% of your weekly paycheck.
- Matt Hardy vs Hardcore Holly- Endless stream of nearfalls. This was as good as you are going to get with non-entity Bob Holly involved but it works because they continue the WRESTLING GOLD angle of Matt Hardy as annoying friend and MENTOR to Shanon Moore- as Hardy assumes the roll of Chris Carter to Moore's Randy Moss and the fun is only beginning. Moore makes the face that I make whenever I run into my older brother's friend John at the 7-11.
- Benoit and Angle start making fun of each other which is all to leading up to Benoit and Angle beating each other into oblivion. Benoit makes a truly awe-inspiring I Smoke Five Packs A Day squinty Popeye face before getting all REAL on Angle's goofy ass. Eddy assuming the roll of prison peacemaker from the play SHORT EYES is wrestling GOLD.
- Crash vs Hurricane: Crash is a good lil addition to the Cruiserweight ranks. Hurricane is fabulous in this- though his massive amount of offense ruins the psychology of the match- as you could tell that Crash was going over. Sweet Dandino by Crash. They need some sort of unifying idea for these cruiserweights. My suggestion is the Jamie Noble Army- what with fellow Southerners Helms and Moore RIGHT THERE. Add in the Redneck Tajiri and we could have a mighty Cruiserweight war.
- Angle/ Benoit/ Guerrerro vs UT/ Edge/ Rikishi: This is a match they should run every week for a year. Benoit beats the shit out of Udertaker and then sells getting the shit beaten out of him by Undertaker. Rikishi, the overachieving third of the face team, makes the dynamic of the match-up great because you know that Rikishi could do the job at any moment- thus making this more of competitive match as opposed to a vehicle to get/keep Ut and Edge over. Edge prays to heaven everyday a prayer of thanksgiving that he has Eddy Guerrerro to make him look God-like week after week. Edge does his weekly Ricky Morton impersonation- as Benoit and Eddy and then Angle beat the living dogpiss out of him. Benoit fucking MAULS him and Edge is a fucking MAN for taking it. Undertaker does the ref interruption but isn't as good on the apron as Rock or Hogan- though he comes around later. Angle's Kanemoto Belly-to-Belly isn't nearly as impressive looking when you see Lesnar doing it on the same show. UT tags in after they should have prolly cut Edge off one more time to build up the tension and ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Everybody hits some finishers- including UT eating a gigantic Benoit German. Rikishi's offense is completely smoked by everyone else in the match but he does bring his fabulous Duplex of Manly Asscheek Compartments of Pungent Taintilizing Grub Eliminatin' Cornshootliness and applies it directly to Angle's face- which is SUPER great because it makes Benoit laugh hysterically with that Popeye face again, causing he and Angle to start beating the living fuck out of each other and hopefully continue beating the living fuck out of each other until and up to and on the PPV. If that match happens, I will be at Mulligan's Sportsbar on Main Street when they show the WWE Unforgivens. Quoth [mul]DOOMSTONE, "Color me Mulliganed". The match isn't even over yet, as Eddy is alone against three stoic and comical faces so he DOES FULL FUERZA GUERRERA WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS ARM AROUND RIKISHI and I party and freak out. Then it gets superweird as Rikishi has a Karen Finley Performance Artist moment and transforms his body into a complete ass-cannon. And Edge shoves Eddy's face into it like it's Eddy's bachelor party and Edge is Eddy's frat brother and Rikishi's giant asscheeks are a strippers big titties. UT with the chokeslam and another fucking great Smackdown comes to an end.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK- - Crash as the third Benoit, DeVon as everybody who votes in the state of Virginia. They should establish Noble as the Peckerwood Benoit before bringing in Crash as Benoitcito in the same division. And Steph giving D-Von a tonguelashing for questioning the moral reprehensibility of a gay marriage and then simply taking it further renders D-Von's horrendous portrayal of a Black Southern Baptist preacher even more shitty and half-hearted. So little to bitch about these days on Thursday....
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
(edited by DEAN RASMUSSEN on 6.9.02 1429) YES, I AM DEAN.
Randy Orton was all sorts of man-sized on that over-the-ringpost bump. Hopefully they know what's REALLY important on Velocity and cut anything Albert related to replay the best squash in several years.
"Your solitude is welcome, welcome... Your attitude is welcome, welcome!"
I'm surprised Dean enjoyed the fact that Billy gave Rey almost no offense in their match. Rey was wasted in that way, and one rollup fluke victory doesn't change the fact that Rey should have been able to provide a better fight to a tag team specialist.
"Oh would you stop being all stealthy and just get in the truck"- Tom Servo
Originally posted by TorchslasherI'm surprised Dean enjoyed the fact that Billy gave Rey almost no offense in their match. Rey was wasted in that way, and one rollup fluke victory doesn't change the fact that Rey should have been able to provide a better fight to a tag team specialist.
---- DR: Rey got two roll-ups, some nice punches and Chuck cut off his MORTAL~! dropkick and he still pinned Billy in 3 minutes. Billy came out looking weak in this as they figured (correctly) that the next segment would make the match a distant memory.
I thought you were wrapped up in the beginning of football season which was like a crack addict after going dry for 3 1/2 weeks and then finding a small rock allowing him to faintly remember what it was like and question if he should hop off the wagon.
These commercials are superfine because they pay for the production costs of putting CHRIS MOTHERFUCKING BENOIT on my GODDAMN TV SCREEN! I will GO GREYHOUND! I am thinking OUTSIDE THE BUN! – Dean Rasmussen 8/1/2002 Smackdown Workrate Report
The only thing better than reading Dean's Smackdown report is reading it, and then seeing him talk about the beloved Cowboys. Cowboys are going to welcome the Texans into the NFL by Laying the Smacketh Down on ALLLLLLLL their candyasses right in Houston's new stadium. YEAH!
That sounds like a pretty good reason NOT to stick around, to tell the truth.
Maybe if it was an injurious tornado, you could risk it.
Karl: If you had a neck and I had hands I would squeeze your brain which is your body right out of the top of your head which does not exist! Zorak: That's some great hair. Karl: Thanks, it's not real.
Originally posted by El NastioKanemoto Belly-to-Belly: I believe this is Angle/Lesnar's release overhead belly to belly suplex.
DR: The one where you throw them over your head as they come off the ropes. Actually, Kensuki Sasake was probably the first one to do that move, but Kanemoto's is cooler. Lesnar's is the best ever because he does it from a dead stop.
I am still freakin' laughing about you and Muldoomstone trying to put together the crib!!
After each kid, we have taken down the crib and I cannot ever remember how to put the damn thing back together. You get your shins cut from the flying mattress springy thing. The dropgate NEVER works like it's supposed to. I would suggest to Muldoomstone that he even SUSPECTS having other kids, to NEVER EVER take down the crib.
He's Rolie Polie Olie - and in his world of curves and curls, he's the swellest kid around.
She can't see him. There weren't enough eye rolling boyfriends in this episode, but I'll take the cameos by Sandra making fun of Eva and the blurry shape of Arn Anderson standing around in the background.