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The W - Pro Wrestling - your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 7/3/2003!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1352 days
Last activity: 1349 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
I was putting the finishing touches on the Al Wilson segment during the Big Show vs Scott Putski/Zack McGowan match and banged my keyboard to the underside on my desk and hit the ``home`` button that sits on the periphery of my keyboard, losing all of the two hours of writing for all eternity. I am seething with hate so expect a truncated version of everything and I`ll ramble at length on something to make up the dead air. Luckily, I started drinking at 8:00 so this could be more fun the second time around. Oh yeah, drunk time, fat boy.

WHAT WORKED-
- Rey Misterio and Nunzio had a match that was basically the Dean Malenko/ Rey matches from 1996- but with Nunzio opting against the UWFi matwork and the Dean Malenko carny-cum-New Japan matwork and basically dumbing his offense to down to full-blown WWE midcard snazziness- thus Nunzio counter`s Rey springboard with a backbreaker as opposed to what Malenko would do in the same position which would be hitting a rib-breaker. Still, the layout of the match was perfectly fine and even with the completely useless run-in by the rest of the FBI, it was a fine little defense of a belt that young Rey Rey is sucessfully salvaging.

- The Basham brothers continue to wrestle like the cloned twins of Eddy Jackie. Tazz keeps trying to get over the fact the Basham Brothers are ``NUTS!`` and- as he says it, they wrestle in the ring and remind me of Thunderfoot Gene Ligon giving the opening prayer at a Rotary Club breakfast. Benoit decides to wake me up by throwing all of his usual spots into the match and I thought they had completely run out of ideas and I awaited the Rhyno GORE GORE GORE of Benoit or Benoit accidentally Crippler Crossfacing Rhyno to comical results or something. En Lieu, they have a pretty cool complex finish with Rhyno killing a Basham (I said they are still boring. They don`t suck or anything) and Benoit stretching the other. Post match, Shaniqua gives Benoit the come-hither stare and suddenly this quite average match becomes COMPLETELY AWESOME. The reasoning for the sudden awesomeness is because Benoit will sometimes get confused by the non-ringwork aspects of wrestling- especially in angles involving women. THUS there is always the chance that Benoit will SHOOOOOT on the WWE and actually fall in love with Shaniqua and marry her and raise a third family in Stamford. That`s why Benoit rules in every fucking aspect of wrestling.

- Eddy amd Tajiri roll up in the non-muscle car lowrider so my loins remain unstirred. Shelton Benjamin is fucking awesome when you get him in the ring with Eddy Guerrerro and Eddy gets him all fired up. Charlie Haas then gets all fired up from Shelton getting all fired up and actually has a nice looking section where he is punching Tajiri in the face after TEAM ANGLE does the cool ass 14 step springboard counter on Eddy after the Eddy Bulldog/Flying Headscissors combination. Tajiri has the crowd behind him as he is taking the ass-beating and that is the first sign of worthwhile tagteam wrestling so you and I cyberfrenchkiss in mutual admiration of quality wrestling shared by two people, separated by computer screens. The finish was fucking great and the nearfalls were neato, as everybody decided to try be Sabu 2003 wile attempting to shorten their careers by 5 years bumping to the floor and to the car and taking the Superkick to the neck and what you have you. The shitty illogical heel turn sucks because Eddy and Tajiri were a fine tag team and Eddy vs Tajiri won`t be as good as Eddy/Tajiri vs Team Angle for the belts again.

- The main event worked because Zack Gowan looked so freaky being thrown into the ring by Big Show. I can imagine that folks flipping through channels on Thursday night that happened across that must have said to themselves, ``America is too fucked up to survive.`` And they are probably right.

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:
``Skandar, what happened?``

``That fuckin` whore Mrs Eubanks won`t let me in the dance! That FUCKIN WHORE!``

``Skandar, I can only assume that it is because you are astoundingly drunk.``

``Oh fuck. FUCK. Fuck that SHIT! FUCK THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT! She can`t prove that shit!``

Skandar`s date, Emily, and Baron`s girl, Jennifer, descreetly giggle at their ridiculously drunk friend Skandar. Emily soothes Baron and Jennifer`s worries. ``I`ll take him over to Parker field and keep him occupied until 10:30 and then I`ll meet y`all at Pizza Hut.``

``Cool. You sure you can handle him?``

``C`mon, Jenn, I`ll be lucky if he doesn`t pass out before I get him to the car.``

Baron smacks Skandar on the shoulder. ``Mein fruende, I vill see you at Pizza Hut. It sounds like the whole gang vill be there. I vill eat your American pizza but I piss on your American beer.`` He looks at Jennifer and doesn`t want to look like a dick. ``Maybe I vill drink a little. For the sake of my beloved.``

Baron was wearing a sharp pair of blue khakis and an aqua collared OP shirt. His eyes took in and were completely dazzled by Jennifer`s plaid skirt and kelly green sleeveless blouse. ``Baron, this night isn`t about drinking. This night is about dancing. You better be up for it.``

``I am up for anything, mein leibschen.`` Baron`s confident words betrayed his inner turmoil. `Dance? I can`t dance. Dance? Dance dance dance... well i did that folk dancing in Bavaria that time when I was 8. No. no that won`t do.`` Terrified and stricken with sudden terror, Baron is mute as he hands his tickets to Mrs Eubanks- who sniffs subtley and quickly straightens the sleeve on her navy blue pants suit.

`Think. think.` Baron`s mind finally seizes upon something. Right before he died, his father would get drunk and trying to drive life lessons into his son. `IF YOU EVER GET SCARED, if the world is atacking you from evey angle, reach deeply into yourself. Reach deeply into yourself and summon up your TRUE ESSENCE! Gather up the TRUE STRENGTH OF YOUR REAL IDENTITY AND FIGHT! If you have found your true essence and you lose, it is MEANT TO BE!!! YOU VOULD DESEEEERVE TO DIIIIE! AHHHHHH!`

Baron pondered this. `I am... I am... I am graceful, passionate... passionate... I AM PASSIONATE AND I AM IN FLAMES! I burn with a love for life, a love for my woman. I CHANNEL THIS TO MY MOVES. I CHANNEL THIS AND express Express EXPRESS MYSELF ON THE DANCEFLOOR!``

The first beats of ``Electric Kingdom`` pour out of the sound system. Baron is intense and he gazes into the eyes of Jennifer and tries to tell her how much he wants her, how much he loves her, how beyond the mere existence of the civilized world his love for her is. Jennifer is his beloved and understands his intensity and returns his razor sharp look. He is empowered. She is empowered. They begin to undulate to the beat.

TO BE CONTINUED.

- A-Train beating the fuck out of Orlando Jordan was better than Cena beating the hell out of Jordan because A-Train has an actual interesting offence. I dig how they are doing the whole Japanese idea of rookies wrestling Discipline and Education matches against experienced wrestlers and this was about as good as one of those limited matches can get.

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

- Sable is ready to baptise young Stephanie`s anxious and quivering mouth with her bitter, maple-syrup-consistency lactation when they abruptly switch to Jamie Noble not emerging from an El Camino with a deer rack in the back window. Nidia didn`t have a diamond promise ring and new tattoo on her ankle of a dolphin and ``Jamie` written underneath. Noble didn`t have a leather vest and new crossbow so fuck this non-real white trash shit.

- Angle and Brock have really annoying good natured hi-jinx where they both end up trying to mack on what appears to be a 12 year old- eventually spewing milk in her face. I can only guess what that symbolized to the Snapple-drinking 38 year old virgins who had already shot the distance over their Magic the Gathering cards, eating away at the lacquer finish with their cheetos-scented viscuous spooge. Then THEN Brock and Angle have a PUSH-UP CONTEST! Give me a fucking break. This is the pathetic, desperate, sexually stunted modern day WWE. Where`s the Who Can Do The Most Lines of Coke Off Sable`s Ass contest? I mean, fuck me running, where is the Who Can Take The Most Showers With Bradshaw And Retain Their Anal Integrity The Longest contest. Jesus fucking Christ, it`s a high hanging fastball. Step up to the motherfucking plate.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.





YES, I AM DEAN.
Promote this thread!
Firecracker
Salami








Since: 26.6.02
From: Miami, FL

Since last post: 3641 days
Last activity: 3477 days
AIM:  
#2 Posted on

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    I mean, fuck me running, where is the Who Can Take The Most Showers With Bradshaw And Retain Their Anal Integrity The Longest contest.


That is the funniest thing I've read all week. Keep 'em coming Dean!



Yo, it's me, it's me, it's (points to self) P-A-B!
Faggot
Cotechino








Since: 30.1.03
From: Upper Califia

Since last post: 3417 days
Last activity: 399 days
#3 Posted on
Another thing that worked was Stephanie in that singlet. Now, I am annoyed by Stephanie just as much as the next guy but she was looking F-I-N-E tonight.

I think Stephanie's role as general manager should include her wearing that singlet every Thursday night. Also, is it just me or is Stephanie's ass looking better? It didn't used to be so bomb.
HrdCoreJoe
Potato korv








Since: 29.4.02
From: Jax, FL

Since last post: 1119 days
Last activity: 1118 days
AIM:  
#4 Posted on
"I can only guess what that symbolized to the Snapple-drinking 38 year old virgins who had already shot the distance over their Magic the Gathering cards, eating away at the lacquer finish with their cheetos-scented viscuous spooge."


You know Dean, because of statements like that I know that I share a love for you that only two men who love wrestling can share with each other. You sir, are the master of disturbing cum related imagery.



Andy Richter does indeed control the universe.
drjayphd
Scrapple
Moderator








Since: 22.4.02
From: Long Island

Since last post: 18 days
Last activity: 7 days
AIM:  
ICQ:  
Y!:
#5 Posted on
"The Basham brothers continue to wrestle like the cloned twins of Eddy Jackie."

Huh? When I saw them this week, I was wondering when Right Said Fred learned to wrestle.



Today's Out-Of-Context Quote, Courtesy of hardygrrl:

"...between the grime layer and the Seventies game show host hair, I'd rather rim Undertaker after a White Castle/Schlitz bender."
dMp
Banger








Since: 4.1.02
From: The Hague, Netherlands (Europe)

Since last post: 14 days
Last activity: 5 days
#6 Posted on

    Originally posted by drjayphd
    "The Basham brothers continue to wrestle like the cloned twins of Eddy Jackie."

    Huh? When I saw them this week, I was wondering when Right Said Fred learned to wrestle.



Fuck..so I ain't the only one who constantly mutters the follwoing phrase when the Bashams are in the ring..
"He's too sexy for that move, too sexy for a suplex, etc etc"



*sigh* Why bother?
BigDaddyLoco
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 1 hour
#7 Posted on


    Another thing that worked was Stephanie in that singlet. Now, I am annoyed by Stephanie just as much as the next guy but she was looking F-I-N-E tonight.


You say fine...I might say fat



DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1352 days
Last activity: 1349 days
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85

    Originally posted by dMp

      Originally posted by drjayphd
      "The Basham brothers continue to wrestle like the cloned twins of Eddy Jackie."

      Huh? When I saw them this week, I was wondering when Right Said Fred learned to wrestle.



    Fuck..so I ain't the only one who constantly mutters the follwoing phrase when the Bashams are in the ring..
    "He's too sexy for that move, too sexy for a suplex, etc etc"



DR: Aw jiminy crickets, i didn't even think of that until y'all said it. Now it makes total sense. Maybe Gerardo can come in and wrestle and they could start an Early 90s one-hit-Wonder stable. Maybe the Outfield could be a tagteam.

And I TRIED to avoid semen jokes this week but the first draft was lost and I got a couple beers in and the next thing you know.....

DEAN.

DEAN.



YES, I AM DEAN.
Kevintripod
Boudin blanc








Since: 11.5.03
From: Mount Pleasant, Pa.

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 7 hours
AIM:  
#9 Posted on

    Originally posted by HrdCoreJoe
    "I can only guess what that symbolized to the Snapple-drinking 38 year old virgins who had already shot the distance over their Magic the Gathering cards, eating away at the lacquer finish with their cheetos-scented viscuous spooge."


    You know Dean, because of statements like that I know that I share a love for you that only two men who love wrestling can share with each other. You sir, are the master of disturbing cum related imagery.



UGH.......I feel the need to go and take a shower after reading that.



"This just got a hell of a lot better." - Stifler, American Pie
spf
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02
From: The Las Vegas of Canada

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 16 hours
AIM:  
#10 Posted on

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN

      Originally posted by dMp

        Originally posted by drjayphd
        "The Basham brothers continue to wrestle like the cloned twins of Eddy Jackie."

        Huh? When I saw them this week, I was wondering when Right Said Fred learned to wrestle.



      Fuck..so I ain't the only one who constantly mutters the follwoing phrase when the Bashams are in the ring..
      "He's too sexy for that move, too sexy for a suplex, etc etc"



    DR: Aw jiminy crickets, i didn't even think of that until y'all said it. Now it makes total sense. Maybe Gerardo can come in and wrestle and they could start an Early 90s one-hit-Wonder stable. Maybe the Outfield could be a tagteam.


I'm just hoping you can get the old guys from Los Del Rio to be the managers for this stable.

And the thought of Benoit having issues figuring out where wrestling ends and reality begins is priceless. I guess we should be glad he never got too confused during the Horsemen days when they had Woman, Elizabeth, and Debra around all at once, or Benoit might have tried to set down roots in Utah.



and maybe I should open up my sensitive side/but really, the sensitive side sucks./I've been there./You can only imagine the kinds of sweaters they make you wear.

blogforamerica.com
IncredibleHeelHeat
Linguica








Since: 18.6.02
From: Upstate Oklahoma

Since last post: 3745 days
Last activity: 2811 days
#11 Posted on

Shaniqua as Benoit's manager has far more potential than for her to be stuck with the Bashams like bad krazy glue.

Damn you Rhino for pulling him out of the ring!





"Since I look forward to the Workrate Reports like Tammy Sytch looks forward to Half-Off-For-Crack-Whores Night at the local IHOP, rest assured that had I read his sucker punch joke first, I would have skipped my own, for Dean rules."

- Scott Keith, 4-10-002
Kevintripod
Boudin blanc








Since: 11.5.03
From: Mount Pleasant, Pa.

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 7 hours
AIM:  
#12 Posted on

    Originally posted by BigDaddyLoco


      Another thing that worked was Stephanie in that singlet. Now, I am annoyed by Stephanie just as much as the next guy but she was looking F-I-N-E tonight.


    You say fine...I might say fat



Are you the same type of guy who says Molly is fat too ?



"This just got a hell of a lot better." - Stifler, American Pie
BigDaddyLoco
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 1 hour
#13 Posted on


Originally posted by BigDaddyLoco
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another thing that worked was Stephanie in that singlet. Now, I am annoyed by Stephanie just as much as the next guy but she was looking F-I-N-E tonight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



You say fine...I might say fat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Are you the same type of guy who says Molly is fat too ?

Nope Molly was perfectly fine until the image change



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