- Bashams and Kidman in a four cornerszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... huh...huh... HUHN? oh sorry.... fell asleep... anyway Kidman and the Bashamszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Bashzzzzzzzzzzz.... I`m falling... Oh Rey Misterio. Ah there`s a batch of clubbing forearms. Horrible hideous clubbing forearms. Clubbing forearms from deepest darkness nightmare- clubbing with forearms your special secret dream world. Ravaging clubbing forearms. Luckily, a commercial saves us from the clubbing merciless clubbing forearms. The forearms, our forearms- they taunt you with their clubbingness. None more clubbing. A chinlock keeps the clubbing forearms at bay, saving us from their sinister clubbingness. Bless you, our chinlock- saviour of those who live in terror of the malevolent clubbing forearms. Kidman looks like Jammin` Tommy Jammer now and looks quite poised to be touched in a loving and tender way in his deepest darkest points in the very heart of his butt by a curious and suddenly liberated Bradshaw- in the shower, postmatch. Assorted Bashams wrestle with Kidman and all of Toronto gets some much shut-eye after all the sleepless nights of the trauma of the SARS outbreak and eternal worrisome woes of flagging Argonaut attendance. Meanwhile, in the back the FBI and the APA continue to fill the world with their hoary host of clubbing forearms- forearms meting out there horrid clubbing of forearmedness.
- Vince Carter`s COMPLETELY BAD ASS Virginia Squires Dr J jersey ruled it so fucking hard.
- Rhyno and Benoit take on Matt MOTHERRFUCKING Hardy and Shannon Moore and I am happy finally. Moore does the fun submission on Rhyno and the kinda hot tag early to bring in Benoit riles up the Canadians. Benoit does the Yamazakization of the pin attempt by Shannon into the Crippler Crossface and I`m glad Benoit and Rhyno are going to be tagging for a while. Benoit fucking rules, even if it is as truncated as this.
- The best match I ever saw live in WCW was Eddy Guerrerro vs Ultimo Dragon in Fairfax, VA for 26 minutes in 1998. This wasn`t even on the same planet as that but these two against each other will always make the Mendoza Line unless Giant Kimala does a run-in and he and John the Shark Tenta exchange thunderous body splashes on the two defenseless little guys. Eddy being evil is fun. AND FUCK NO I DON`T BLAME YOU! THAT BOY DID TOUCH YOUR FUCKING RIDE! THAT IS LIKE TOUCHING YOUR MAMCITA! LEARN HIM THAT LESSON!!! FUCK YEAH! FUCKIN STUPID TAJIRI! Eddy learned a lesson and that`s important. He DOES need to look out for himself. It IS time for Eddy to be on top of the WWE. Dragon gets billion dollar pyro. Dragon looks better this week than last week- as Eddy getting fired up helps him along. They start teasing the Asai moonsault onto the sweet ass lowrider early. Eddy rudos like a motherfucker and cheats to win in a far too short match.
- Billy Gunn tries to lie to you and me and himself by closing his eyes, kissing his bleached blond silicon beard and pretending that these lips are the sweet and tender lips of Chuck. Billy`s smile is a smile that masks the bitter tears of denial. Nidia`s spear on Billy gets the wrestling up here. Nidia endangering Torrie`s implants with knife edge chops and that`s kinda exciting in a completely fucking pathetic kind of way. Jamie Noble sees through Torrie`s obvious desire to feel the full brunt of his uncircumcised hillbilly pecker and offers her 10,000 dollars more than her scrawny ass is worth. Youth of Canadia nationwide hoist a load of maple-syrupy spunk all over their mooselamps and Jari Kuri collector cards when Torrie pulls Nidia`s pants off.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON: ``Cool Love`` by Pablo Cruise starts pumping through through the sound system and Baron pulls Jennifer close and he feels her ribs in her back through her blouse. They are cheek to cheek- he smells of British Sterling and she of Charlie! ``This has been wonderful...``
``Yes, mien darling, I am in heaven. You are so beautiful and I am so glad to be so lucky to be here with you.``
``I`m the lucky one.``
``We are both lucky. Lucky to have found each other. Lucky to be in this place, this summer.... it is a beautifu dream. You are beyond any dream I could ever have...``
``Cut it out, Baron. You`re making me blush.`` She pecks him on the cheek. Baron, having been lost in the moment, suddenly notices a change in him. It affects the front of his pants. ``Uh-oh.`` Baron thinks quickly. ``Darling, I need to go to ze bathroom for a second. Vy don`t ze dance over near the door there.`` He kisses her again and pirouettes into the men`s room
Skandar was standing by the sink having snuck into the bathroom through the window. He was smoking a J with David, his redneck cousin when Baron rushes in. ``Goddam, Baron, I think that`s the biggest fucking boner I`ve ever seen.``
``Shut the fuck up Skandar and help me!``
``Help you?! What the fuck do you want ME to do?``
``I don`t know! VAT DO I DO!?!? Jennifer is waiting out zere! fucking HELP ME!``
``Allright allright allright. Uh... put your hand in cold water. Think of.... uh... baseball.``
``Ve do not have zis baseball.``
``Do you wanna walk around the dance with a big fucking boner at the dance like big fucking pervert or do you want to listen to me?``
``Okayokayokay. I`m am thinking about ze concept of baseball.``
``Yeah, chicks they smell good. They got those titties and butts. I pretty much stay completely torqued all the time. You should try like jacking off in the shower or something.``
``SKANDAR! Shut up! YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME! I am trying to think of ze baseball! Rod Carew.... Danny Vhite... Otis Sistrunk.... Jack Sikma. AH JACK SIKMA CURES ME OF MY PROBLEM! YES! BASEBALL!`` Eventually, it gets to a managable situation.
``Thank you, Skandar. I owe you beer at pizza hut.``
``Hey, motherfucker, that`s what friends are for. If that didn`t work you were on your own though, my brother.`` and they laugh and laugh and laugh. ``And you know Jack Sikma plays basketball.``
``Either vay. he is not very attractive.``
- Haas and Brock was fucking gold. Brock bumped like a king early to match Benjamin and Haas bumping big. Big Show does the boring as Kidman Wrestling The Haas Brothers Bearhug. Tazz is adorable trying to make the bearhug sound all devastating. Big Show takes the Belly to Belly and takes a posting like a man but didn`t blade for some reason. Shelton takes the fat ass belly to belly on the floor and this match is fabulous. Brock takes the big chokeslam through the table. That was a cool match because the guy wrestling three guys didn`t win like if Hogan was wrestling. Lesnar is fucking awesome these days.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK- - Kurt Angle in Toronto not being a heel sucks it soooo hard. So much to make fun of and he has to hand it all off to John Cena. And Cena sucks at the cheap heel heat these days. Then they start rapping and I`m really not having a good time. Though the Ref As Human Beatbox almost saves the bacon. Then Cena riles up the crowd and they set up some kind of tag match I`m a guessing. Or maybe not. Angle as a face is just so lame.
- They show last week`s main event in it`s entirety so this automatically loses. I notice that Stephanie throws better punches than Zack Gowan. A one-legged VanDaminator is as lame (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) as a two legged VanDaminator. Then they have the contract signing and it takes the young Zack 45 minutes to write his name. I await Benoit jobbing to the one-legged moonsault! WOO! Vince comes out and doesn`t insult Canada. CANADA!?!? IS THIS A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING SHOW?!?! If Vince McMahon can`t be the ugly American in Toronto for my amusement what is the motherfucking purpose of even crossing the border? En lieu, Vince comes out and plugs Scott Kieth`s new book. Scott Kieth- A CANADIAN! Talk about Vince feeling the full Owen and Bret Hart Guilt. And didn`t you also think that during the part where they set-up Gowans PPV match Vince said ``The meanest SOB to walk the face of the earth............... MENG!`` I was very excited about big hair and big pants. Instead I get to not go to a sports bar again and not see a wrestling PPV. Not that Meng vs Zack Gowan was getting my big fat lazy ass out of the house and to a sports bar. Sable and Stephanie have a cat fight and- nationwide- 42 year old owners of mint condition Dark Knight #1, sealed in plastic bags, toast a Fritos-scented festering load into their Mr Mxyzptlk hand puppets. Fit motherfucking Finlay sells the horrible pungent smells summoned by two leathery pseudo-strippers working up their milky, burning discharge of fightsweat because he just motherfucking rules.
- I think I`m actually tired of Big Show`s theme. It`s sad. Really. Like a little part of me has died.
"- Billy Gunn tries to lie to you and me and himself by closing his eyes, kissing his bleached blond silicon beard and pretending that these lips are the sweet and tender lips of Chuck. Billy`s smile is a smile that masks the bitter tears of denial. Nidia`s spear on Billy gets the wrestling up here. Nidia endangering Torrie`s implants with knife edge chops and that`s kinda exciting in a completely fucking pathetic kind of way. Jamie Noble sees through Torrie`s obvious desire to feel the full brunt of his uncircumcised hillbilly pecker and offers her 10,000 dollars more than her scrawny ass is worth. Youth of Canadia nationwide hoist a load of maple-syrupy spunk all over their mooselamps and Jari Kuri collector cards when Torrie pulls Nidia`s pants off."
I'm crying. CRYING from laughter. Oh hokey smoke ...
"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
This feels like a sick, twisted Bizarro World where Kidman and Billy Gunn are placed in What Worked, and Angle is placed in What Didn't Work. Please let the Angle heel turn come soon. For all that was wrong with WCW, at least they would let an Eddy/Ultimo match build up and get the crowd going, instead of a quick couple of minute throw away style match. Is it time to change the title to the Secret Adventures of the Baron? And, perhaps its time to spruce up Big Slug's Theme. Mix Badstreet USA into: 'Its the Big Slug, Baddest Street Whole USA, Its the Big Slug, Nasty And Vile.'
If Vince would just hire Dick Dastardly and Muttly and tell them to Catch the Pigeon, it would draw at least an 8 rating.
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENAh there`s a batch of clubbing forearms. Horrible hideous clubbing forearms. Clubbing forearms from deepest darkness nightmare- clubbing with forearms your special secret dream world. Ravaging clubbing forearms. Luckily, a commercial saves us from the clubbing merciless clubbing forearms. The forearms, our forearms- they taunt you with their clubbingness. None more clubbing. A chinlock keeps the clubbing forearms at bay, saving us from their sinister clubbingness. Bless you, our chinlock- saviour of those who live in terror of the malevolent clubbing forearms.
Oh no, clubbing-ness should be a Thing that Did Not Work, right? Or does the Rey/Kidman-ness of the match overpower the clubbing? I'm too confused.
And you losing your infatuation with Big Show's entrance is a certain sign of ennui setting in.
Fashion Reporter Extraordinare
...And Steph, crying a warcry from the deep primal regions of the human soul, flies in to kick Sable's ass. - the Fashion Report for Smackdown! July 10, 2003
It's Jari Kurri man ... Jari Kurri ... shit like that's important.
I laughed out loud when Kidman was announced as Rey's partner. I laughed because I instantly foresaw the zzzzzzz ... the zzzzzzzz ... mmmm sorry .... the Dean's loving of Kidman'zzzzz ... hahaha I was right!
I am liking Angle's face run. The fans want to cheer him, it's a nice change of pace, and hopefully there will be lots of time in the future for another turn. Let's be thankful for what we have, a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush, &tc., &tc. They haven't fucked with Angle's character at all so I'm all for it.
I still sing heartily along to Big Show's theme, so hopefully the ennui isn't spreading.
Deep in Vince McMahon's diseased brain there is obviously something still firing, because they weren't dumb enough to give us the full Eddie/Ultimo for free. Just a taste. Like a smooth drug dealer, Vince knows enough to just give us a taste of Eddie/Ultimo. We gon' have to pay for the full deal when the time comes.
(edited by Gavintzu on 10.7.03 2136) Remember -- you can't spell "quagmire" without an I, an R, an A, and a Q.
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENOh yeah, Otis Sistrunk and Danny White are both football players.
Otis Sistrunk was one part of the GREATEST TAG TEAM THAT ALMOST LASTED A MONTH when he partnered with Michael Hayes against that mean ol' Jimmy Snuka and Terry Gordy down in Georgia. Yep. Almost lasted a month...greatest...
George Washington gave his signature The Government gave its hand They said for now and ever more that this was Indian Land
"As long as the moon shall rise" "As long as the rivers flow" "As long as the sun will shine" "As long as the grass shall grow"
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN``And you know Jack Sikma plays basketball.``
``Either vay. he is not very attractive.``
The man's got a point there...
"You may be wondering why I have been making so many references lately to Fox News. The reason is that it is now my cable news network of choice -- because if Iím going to watch the news and be lied to, I want it to be ridiculously obvious that I am being lied to." -- Center for an Informed America, Newsletter #34
AWESOME! Sikma's perm got tighter and tighter as got further along in his career. By the end of his career, it looked like the late PBS painting instructor Bob Ross had started palying center for the Seattle Supersonics.
I weep bitter tears since I can see the end of the Baron's flashback straight ahead - like John Milner was getting ready to witness at the end of More American Graffiti. If ever there were a spin-off from a series waiting to happen, it's Skandar and The Baron. May they always be listening to Fire of Unknown Origin and Fair Play on their way to the lake.
Excellent job again, Dean.
"Since I look forward to the Workrate Reports like Tammy Sytch looks forward to Half-Off-For-Crack-Whores Night at the local IHOP, rest assured that had I read his sucker punch joke first, I would have skipped my own, for Dean rules."
Tonight's main event: Back to using matches - hooray! And it's a biggun - R-TRUTH (with LITTLE JIMMY) vs. JACK SWAGGER (uncharacteristically by himself)! Also tonight: YOSHI TATSU vs. JINDER MAHAL! They're giving away KELLY KELLY vs. EVE on a Superstars?...