Hey! Sorry aboot last week. You don`t wanna burn out on these things, ya know. How`s that for your fucking excuse there, Sparky?
WHAT WORKED- - UT is the newest (relative) superworker lately- as he and the Acolytes have a perfectly fine match against the FBI with Ut being the best guy in the match HYUNH!?!? Bradshaw`s lariat was completely bad ass so I can`t quibble about this match. Plus he probably anally probed a rookie in the shower to celebrate today`s Supreme Court decision. CREEPY RUMORS~!
- Turdwellian was in a quandry. ``Mr Poo, what are the chances of us getting pushed past the amazing Matt Hardy?``
``I don`t know, sir. This has the look of us getting to utilize Rikishi`s Gigantic Ass but victory will not be ours. It would only be logical. Hardy needs the win to establish himself as a heavyweight again. Rikishi is your midcard guy, good mostly for moving wrestlers up the card.``
``Yes... maybe, or maybe I can save Rikishi`s Gigantic Ass and the dead push if I could have a Buttocks Mindmeld.... with Hardy....``
``Excellent idea.`` Mr Poo goes into a trance and touches Turdwellian`s forehead. ``NOW CAPTAIN!``
Matt Hardy feels weird after Rikishi crushes him with a fucking beautiful K-Driller. ``Where....where am I? Who... who are you?!?!``
``I am Turdwellian. I am hear to show you the pleasure of the sweet sweet male ass. You are a man who secretly enjoys men in tiny pants. Rikishi has a gigantic ass sticking out of tiny pants. I`ve stripped away the layers of your resistance to TRULY appreciating this phenomenon...``
``No! NO! NO! I`m not.. I don`t like...``
``Don`t fight it. EMBRACE it.... the tight buns of wooorldly puh-leeeeaaasure.... THE GIGANTIC ASS OF RIKISHI! SUCCUMB TO THE SWEET EMBRACE OF ETERNITY AND YOUR TRUE NATURE!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!``
``GODDAM YOU! GODDAM you TURDWELLIAN! I will use my only escape! My TWIST OF FATE!``
Matt snaps to and covers Rikishi for the three count. Turdwellian comes out of the trance of the Buttocks Mindmeld. He is despondent and sullen. Mr Poo puts his hand on his shoulder.
``Captain, I`m sorry....``
``Think nothing of it, Mr Poo. It`s like you said. It`s only logical....``
- Ah crap. I thought this was going to be Piper`s Pit and I could concentrate on the Al Wilson segment. Instead, Eddy motherfucking Guererro and Tajiri have to try to carry a load called Sean O`Haire and- aw fuck, he brung his grampa. God, Roddy Piper looks like his Alzheimer`s kicked in before he finished dressing for his daily mallwalk. Actually, O`Haire didn`t look bad selling for Tajiri but he should definately get Piper to sit him down and show him how to punch. Tajiri cheats to win and it`s not looking good for the Sean O`Haire push. If they want to give Eddy a pin over Piper, I want to put it in the Worked section.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON: It was getting late in the afternoon and Baron and Skandar are sitting on a picnic table waiting for Jennifer to get off work. They had swam in the briny water and water skiied. Now they were talking about the retarded shit that only teenage boys talk about. ``Fuck yeah, you know that song `Pearl Necklace`...``
``Yes, ze vun by ZZ Topp. Zat song is fucking completely bad ass. I cannot understand a vord zey say.``
``Well anyway, I was over my brother Bobby`s house and we were crankin` it... you know, on his bad ass Pioneer component set with those fucking completely boss 15 inch Pioneer speakers... you know `PEARL NECKLACE! SHE WANNA PEARL NECKLACE! and we`re singing along and having a good old time and anyway, Donna- my brother`s wife- says, `Y`all know what a pearl necklace is, right?` We were like, `yeah, it`s this song.```
``Right, Skadar, zis song- it is about giving jewelry to a demanding woman I gather...``
``Well Donna`s been round the block and shit. She useta ride with Satan`s Slaves in California before she moved back east and met my brother. She ain`t got no front teeth and Bobby says she`s got Satan Slaves tattooed on her ass and all- which is fucking awesome. Anyways, she says, `naw, you guys don`t know shit about shit. A pearl necklace is when a fella cums on your neck and it looks like a necklace.` Me and Bobby look at each other just fuckin start laughing and Donna starts laughing. As you can imagine, we all just fell the fuck out. That Donna is fucking wild.``
``Jesus Krist, Skandar, zat is repellent! Are there girls who enjoy zat kind of thing?``
``Well, there`s always your mama...`` Skandar and the Baron laugh and laugh and the Baron has a moment of epiphany, ``WAIT! Waitwaitewait! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!``
``No. no. In ze song, he says, `ze kind she`s talking about really don`t cost zat much`! DON`T YOU SEE! She is talking about HIS SEMEN! ZAT IS SHEER GENIUS! SHE VANTS HIS SEMEN! HE REALIZES ZAT HIS A PEARL NECKLACE MADE VITH HIS SEMEN REALLY WON`T COST ZAT MUCH! Zat...Zat is sheer GENIUS!``
``Oh yeah. ZZ Topp are fucking geniuses... and Jennifer is standing behind you.``
Jennifer smiles and takes Baron`s hand. ``Baron, who`s semen are you talking about?``
``Oh shit. You don`t vant to know.`` Skandar laughs a while longer and excuses himself to find his friends at the horseshoe pit.
``Hey Baron, wanna walk to the cemetary?``
``Sure, I would love to- if I can be vith you....``
They hold hands and walk down the winding road that leads to the entrance to the campground. The Baron keeps absentmindedly singing ``Pearl Necklace`` as they walk past the Silverqueen cornfield in the hot summer air. ``Baron, quit singing that song.``
``I am sorry. It is a funny song and I like Skandar and all but I want you to know zat I don`t think of women that way. Especially you. Your beauty is too much to be captured in a tawdry rock song. You are a flower, a treasure. I vant you in a deeper vay. A vay beyond my boyish years. I vish ve vere older and vere lovers and eating omlettes on ze roof of our apartment in ze city....``
``Baron, you can kiss me until then....``
And Baron and Jennifer entwine by the tombstones and neither can fathom the bliss they are sharing.
TO BE CONTINUED.
- Fuck yeah! Ultimo Dragon on my motherfucking TV set once again. Fuck yeah. He looked rusty but I don`t give a shit. It`s fucking Ultimo Dragon and he fucking rules the fucking world. The Lil ShooeyNooey was fun.
- The Main Event uses sheer numbers to overtake the two suck-asses involved- though Lesnar seems to fire up Big Show these days. I was hoping that Hogan would whip out his Old School Full Nelson but he did the Vertical Suplex so I was happy with Hogan`s contribution. Lesnar is fun mauling TEAM (NO LONGER) ANGLE. Lesnar is also fun going Strong Style with Big Show- as they don`t run the ropes and just kinda beat the hell out of each other. Angle vs Team Angle section was fun too and it all leads up to POO vs POO! all leading up to the shitty McMahon ending which sucks cock. That wasn`t bad at all until they finally got Big Show and Hogan together and then added in McMahon.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK- - Jebus Fudge, from the looks at the whorendous opening MONTAAAGE, it looks like I picked a good week to not watch Smackdown. I only regret that I couldn`t write about Sable`s blinding burning mutated vaginal spraying spewing assault on the handicapped. THE SCARRING! THE SCREAMING! THE HORRIBLE SMELL! I`m guessing here. Was it like that?
- CENA representin the cheap heat and the WORST DEATH VALLEY DRIVER EVER. Orlando whatshisname only screwed up a couple things and looked like quite the ECW-era Norman Smiley physically. Yes. Yes, he did.
- Jamie Noble and Nidia gear up for bad Beverly Hillbillies skits. If Noble was a real cracker ass-stomper, he`d take his woman to Red Lobster and sink his money into a SuperSport with a 351 Cleveland. Plus he would get a leather full-length duster and chaps and jet ski and he would have stabbed the lawyer in the throat with a butterfly knife for accosting him on the street about legal matters. Instead.....
- Ah, McMahon will try to get his daughter to act so I`ll be writing that Al Wilson segment. Zack Gowan mounting Sable and Stephanie is disturbing for the youth of America and the youth of Canadia. All they can think about is leathery WWE Divas fondling Zack`s stump and Zack getting his own prosthetic leg confused with the texture of Sable`s and Stephanie`s prosthetic titties. That image isn`t nearly as vomit-inducing as the idea of McMahon deflowering his own daughter- which is what McMahon bases his rambling on this evening. From there, it went straight to hell.
What?!? No haterizing on Kidman's return to the scene? Or Benoit & Rhino being shoved all the way down to Velocity so we could be shown _more_ McMahon hijinks?
No matter, we got lucha goodness from UD; but more importantly, the latest installment of Al Wilson!!
You Sir, rock.
"Since I look forward to the Workrate Reports like Tammy Sytch looks forward to Half-Off-For-Crack-Whores Night at the local IHOP, rest assured that had I read his sucker punch joke first, I would have skipped my own, for Dean rules."
I can only imagine the strangeness of a night where Big Show and Undertaker are likely the least smelly guys in the back... as everyone smaller refuses to step into the showers, for fear of being the victim of Bradshaw's celebratory antics.
The funk must've been extraordinary. And not in the Bootsy Collins sort of way.
Kansas-born and deeply ashamed The last living La Parka Marka
"They that can give up essential liberty to gain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin
Billy Kidman speaking in the crowd is the cure for insomnia. The Noble/Nidia idea had real potential if after getting the $827,000 they started yelling they were multi-millionaires. I mean, Vince still claims he's a billionaire, so funny math wouldn't be anything new. Angle teaming with Hogan is morally wrong. After the necrophilia crap, I said the next level to drop down to was McMahon family incest. Took them over six months, but it looks like they are finally getting there. Next week: Vince's daughter and the one legged guy vs. Big Slug. I'll become an eternal Big Slug fan if he decides to start shooting in that match and works an extremely stiff chokeslam on Vince's daughter.
Where have you gone Gene Rayburn, a nation turns it lonely eyes to you.
. If Noble was a real cracker ass-stomper, he`d take his woman to Red Lobster and sink his money into a SuperSport with a 351 Cleveland. Plus he would get a leather full-length duster and chaps and jet ski and he would have stabbed the lawyer in the throat with a butterfly knife for accosting him on the street about legal matters. Instead.....
Don't you think that Noble would spoil Nidia with a nice used dishwasher for the double wide?
What's with all the 'Kish hate around here? He's about ten times more serviceable than almost anyone around his heft. He's got cat-like agility compared to, say, Ape-Train. He seems kid-friendly, butt-floss notwithstanding, and always gets a nice pop.