HEY! I missed last week`s. I assume it was great. My Weekly Vieled Spoiler Call last night tells me that tonite will be as fabulous as last weeks. He said I should drink a lot and rip my own eyes out. I assume the drinking would be for celebrating the great wrestling and I would want to rip my eyes out because there would never be any greater wrestling show to ever enter my eyes again and THUS everything I would see past tonite would be anticlimatic in comparison. This is what I am assuming. Let`s watch, shall we?
- Tajiri and Eddy have the belts and are wrestling TEAM ANGLE. Will Bill DeMott run in and BULLY THEM?!?! Is he still a bully? Does he still wrestle in the WWE? Anyhoos, Tajiri goes all CMLL on Benjamin early and Benjamin hangs with the Dandy/Negro Navarro mini-section that Tajiri brings to the proceedings and I`m liking this. Eddy and Tajiri do the fun block of the double suplex and Tajiri looks focused. Eddy does a batch of odd looking ranas on Haas- so odd that I`m assuming that he fucked them up or Haas at least sold them really wrong- and Tajiri tags back in and the Heat Segment Begins. Oh wait, Eddy tags in quickly and he lariats everyone to the floor to set up Tajiri`s El Samurai Somersault Senton off the apron and we go to commercial. Eddy is still with the dropkicks and suplexes until Team Angle double teams to allow the Actual Heat Segment To Begin. Shelton whips out the Cravate and you can imagine my delight. CRAVATE~! Eddy gets the hot Hope Spots and Shelton and Haas are neato cutting him off- making with every Southern tag heel spot they could ever remember Cornette teaching them in OVW. Haas gets his knees up for the Love Machine Splash and we are back at the Heat Segment. I love the dropkick to the face save and Tajiri makes it nasty looking enough for my love. Team Angle does the SUPEREVIL no-tag switch in the middle of the Abdominal Stretch and I wet my pants with love. Eddy is absolutely Steamboatian in his babyface assbeating sell and I am fucking LOVING this match. Eddy hits the lucha-as-a-man-pointing-to-his-dick-to-get-the-submission double headscissors and the hot tag is made. They have some really fun nearfalls to set up Eddy CHEATING TO WIN by hitting the ref with a chair and throwing the chair to Haas. Which is the stupidest ending that I actually like. Fabulous match. What a fun tag team this Guerrerro and Tajiri make. Yes.
- Cena`s free-styling at the beginning was a lame set up for two weak masturbation jokes- C`MON! It`s JOKES ABOUT JACKING OFF! HOW HARD CAN IT BE? Spanky sells a lariat like a champ. Cena throws some really shitty punches early and the rest of his moments on offense was kinda Lugerlike in it`s clumsiness. Spanky has a couple comebacks and they are perfectly fine. This kinda sucked actually.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON: ``All the laddies catcall and wolf whistle....`` Al Wilson is in a daze as he comes to. His face was cut and he figured out that the blood was coming mostly from a gash on his right cheekbone. ``Someone... playing...old Elvis Costello... what the hell...`` and he falls back into semi-consciousness before comprehending his underground surroundings. Baron Von Raschke spins in his captain`s chair, startled out of deep concentration, ``Ah, Mr Vilson, you are awake. You vill be back in the land of ze living. For a little vile anyvays.`` The Baron spins in his chair again away from his semi-conscious captive and listens to the words of Elvis Costello intently- ``... though she has no sense for all your jealousies, in a sense she still smiles very sweetly...`` Al Wilson comes to for one more minute to notice the underground lair of the Baron. ``.. her body moves with malice, do you have to be so cruel to be callous...`` The Baron slumped over in deep concentration in his chair, the CyberBoogie-WoogieMan shut down in the corner- it`s hand gone but other than that, no worse for the wear. ``You say you have no secrets and move discreetly....`` Each line drives another furrow in the Baron`s brow and he is now lost in thought.
``Oh my precious Jennifer, vat has become of you?`` The Baron thinks back to his youth in Minnesota. It was Lutheran Summer Camp when he met his first love, Jennifer. She was tanning in a lawn chair, listening to radio when he walked past. The Baron was 15, strapping, strong, Teutonically handsome but as awkward as any 15 year old.
``Hey, you`re that guy that hangs out with that creepy guy, Skandar, ain`tcha?``
``Herr Akbar has a bitchin` car, and zat it vy I hang out vith him for ze most part....``
``Oh yeah, he has that Z28. Those cars are bitchin` but I always wondered how a big boy like you fit into such a small car.``
``Oh, uh.... you know, it is quite roomy on ze inside. Mein torso is quite long but my legs aren`t overly long...``
``Yeah, but those big arms of yours- you must work out.``
``Vell, I vant to make ze varsity wrestling team in ze fall so I benchpress, use ze bullvorker, eat a lot of raw eggs, vat have you...``
``Ewwww, raw eggs!?``
``Oh yes, it is very grim and grotesque but I need ze protein to build muscle vile keeping my veight down.``
``I could stand to lose a couple pounds, it`s all these Marathon bars and RC colas they sell at the canteen...``
``Nonsense! You are quite lovely and your weight is perfectly proprotionate. Vy vould you worry about such a thing?``
``Are you kidding- look at these calves. They`re so coated in pudge they should be on a cattle drive.`` Jennifer takes the Baron`s hand and puts it on her calf. ``See! Feel all that fat?``
``Vell, I...I cannot possibly think of fat at zis moment. Your skin is so soft and perfect....`` The Baron quickly removes his hand from her calf before he can become completely transfixed.
``Oh that`s because I use this Coppertone with moisturizer while I`ve been laying out. It works wicked good but I gotta be careful with it or I`ll break out. My skin is pretty sensitive and I`ll be popping zits all summer if I use it too much.``
``If you ever need help vith your zits... or anything at all... feel free to call on me and I vill help you.``
``Why thank you, Baron. Tell you what, if I get one in the square of my back and I can`t reach it, you get first shot at squeezing it.`
``It vould be an honor and privilege.`` The song starts on the radio, a guitar jangles over a simple beat and Greg Kihn sings.
``Oooo! I love this song `we had broken up for good jus an hour before uhuhuhuh uhuhUHUHUH``` Jennifer bops to the beat, her red hair in a bob making time to the rhythm. The Baron is transfixed and confused and delighted all at once. He forces himself to quickly respond.
``I also enjoy zis song very much. It is about heartbreak and melancholy, yet ve could dance to it if ve had to...``
``Hey, we could dance to it at the Sadie Hawkins dance Friday. You wanna take me?`` The Baron is taken aback and tries to play it cool
``Oh yes, I am intrigued zis American tradition of the role reversal of the Sadie Hawkins Dance. And I vould love to accompany one as beautiful as you, mein sweetest rose petal....``
``Cool! Pick me up at 6:30. You can take me to me to Pizza Hut.``
``Excellent! Ve vill eat from ze salad bar and you may pick ze toppings. Pepperoni, Canadian Bacon, vatever your heart desires. I vill leave you now as I float on away on a cloud thinking of ze beauty of your azure eyes.``
``Your soo odd. I`ll see you at 6:30 if I don`t see you before.``
The Baron`s young heart was pounding with a flood of new emotions. The Greg Kihn song ran through his head as he walked to he and Skandar`s tent on the other side of the campground. The memory of her red hair and blue eyes filled his every waking thought until he drifted off into the cotton candy soft world of sleep- the sleep of a boy who is filled with the first rush of new love.
TO BE CONTINUED.
- Matt motherfucking Hardy comes out to do the Professional Wrestling. Holy shit, Benoit is pretty good at that pro wrestling. Matt acts the fool early and i LOVE it. Rey Rey is ringside and I`m all about Rey vs Matt. I`m also way about Benoit beating the life out of Matt Hardy and Benoit does it early and often. Matt whips out the CRAVATE~! and tonight everyone is wrestling for DEAN. Hardy does a good impersonation of the Big Boss Man offensively post-CRAVATE~! while getting the heat on Benoit. He cuts Benoit off like a champ and the crowd gets into Matt being a dick and Benoit being a babyface. Benoit goes completely Memphis by punching to transition and follows up with suplexes and an attempt at re-ruining his own spindly neck. Rey Rey busts up the MFers to let Benoit procure the crossface and I`m wondering what Benoit is doing being angle fodder for the Cruiserweight belt. Fine match, fun angle (considering) and it spills into Rey Rey wrestling Shannon Moore (who I really dig) and Crash (who I have no opinion at all about).
- Rey bumps big for Crash- which is odd. Rey bumps big for the double teams- that make sense. Rey Rey pulls his groin and it all goes to hell quickly. Matt is pissed at his MFers afterwards.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK-
- McMahon is pissed about Mr America. I would be too. I thought he put Hogan out to pasture in 1993 but the animated bloated bag of dysenterial shit keeps coming back to stink up my TV set year after year. McMahon is TAKING OVER! I would say that he is now a BULLY! A DAMN BULLY! He says he will smile by the end of the show. Jeff Gaylord comes out and talks to her father and wonders if Mr McMahon is okay. Vague threats ensue- none of which will lead up to Hogan tea-bagging Vince in a backstage dumpster as two men who find love after years of a merely professional relationship explodes into hot, weird homosexual passion- so fuck all this. Oh wait, he`s back after the commercial. I`m going to find a freezy pop, back in a sec. Piper comes out and looks kinda like Peter Boyle with hair- except Boyle would never have that kind of Radio Shack district manager gut. Schneider was predicting that Piper would kiss Mr McMahon`s ass next and THEN do the Blue Blazer 2004 gimmick. We`re getting closer with this segment but no pay off yet- as it is becoming fascinating to see how far Piper will whore himself to a man he wrote a whole book against (I haven`t read it. I`m guessing). Sean O`Haire gets on the stick and he somehow sucks more than duel blowhard windbags McMahon and Piper in terms of grating shitty oratory skills. We are somehow supposed to give a shit about Hogan beating the shit out of Kona Krush 03- RIGHT IN THIS RING TONITE! And if there were any chance that Piper would be fired after whoring himself out as completely as he has, I could almost give a shit about this. But not really.
- Chuck is the best of the FBI in the vignette but WHY would ANYONE give a shit that one of these guys is getting served up to Brock Lesnar. The HOOK that Lesnar- why he... he... he... DOESN`T KNOW!!! He could- in his mind, while getting his gameplan together- figure out a plan to counteract Nunzio BUT NO! it could be JOHNNY THE BULL! HOLY SHIT! THAT`S FUCKING CRAZY! Or he could be gearing up for Johnny the Bull`s (I guess) offense and then... at the last minute...BANG! Nunzio comes out and wrestles! WOW! Or (get this, this is great!) Brock could be trying to spend all the time before match time trying to figure out what any of the FBI`s finishers are, and when the match is over... NONE OF US WOULD STILL KNOW!!! Because, you know...THERE IS NO WAY THAT A MEMBER OF THE FBI will ever WIN against Brock Lesnar. This booking is OFF THE HOOK! IT`S FUCKING WILD, DADDY! PIPER COULD BE FIRED! BROCK...HE..HE...HE....HE HE DOESN`T KNOW! IT COULD BE ANY ONE OF THEM! FUCK! Brock comes to the ring and he looks pretty much ready for any of the three- he doesn`t look like he has fixed on any one of the FBI. And..... it`s..... it`s........... it`s........... Johnny The Bull Stromboli! Non-title? COULD IT BE? Brock looks great killing him though. That first Lariat was fucking major league. Chuck is fun at ringside. Brock bumps big for Johnny the Bull and sells for him which is mighty professional of him- actually making it a fun little Strong Style match for a second there. Then there is a beatdown! HOLY SHIT! It`s THE UNDERTAKER! Nunzio DIES. This all sorta worked I guess, in a way. Okay. Maybe not. We`ll leave it here and make up for it next week. Maybe not. Who could be sure?
- Zach Gowan can`t carry the worst interviewer ever. God, Stephanie McMahon was horrible. Giving him the Hogan rub is.. I dunno... something. God, I need a shower.
- Mr America does that match he does. O`Haire threw punches that made even Ed Leslie laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh at their shittiness. And then McMahon comes out with the entire Wilfred Brimley Celebrity Look-Alike Security Guard Service and they arrest the one-legged guy. It leads up to a countout and this is the most retarded shit I have ever seen. Jiminy Fuck, just READ the last two sentences I had to write. NEXT WEEK! A LIE DETECTOR TEST!
- Sable is leathery with her fake titties hopping out of her jumpsuit and she beckons you. She beckons you to buy her issue of the RAW magazine and she wants you to please yank on your penis until semen flies out of the opening in the front of your Dark Knight boxershorts onto your Elektra and Daredevil collectible busts. THEN THEN THEN THEN Sable pours water on Tazz`s head! Tazz- being a legit shooter and all around bad ass from Red hook, New Jersey- pulls his dick out and PEES ON HER! Oh wait. No he didn`t. Instead, Sable does a couple stripper dance moves that wouldn`t get my dollar and we meld into a commercial. God, I mean I`d fuck Sable, sure- but then again I`d probably fuck you if you shaved in a certain way.
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN God, I mean I`d fuck Sable, sure- but then again I`d probably fuck you if you shaved in a certain way.
Way to help me spit Pepsi all over my self DEAN! Funny shit as always.
"i dont know what it is or what it could be but i get a woody when these pussies try to push me thinkin they gonna put me in a position to pickle me y'all tickle me pink i think i'd just rather have Pink Tickle Me" Biggie, 50 Cent, Eminem "The Realest" (RemiX)
Dean, just remember that while these young bucks might have firm buttocks and endless wells of hot flaming passion, you have the depth of experience and sexual wisdom and wizardry that mere babes like Eric Angle could never duplicate. Being a wily sexual veteran surely counts for a great deal.
It's been so long and I'm so damn jaded that I'd forgotten all about the belts meaning anything. I had all but expected Brock to win, but I agree that the Raw main event at Mania needs a Rumble victory more. I just don't know for sure...