My wife is out of town until Sunday but UNBELIEVABLY I'm not drinking myself to death. I am living bizarro temporary bachelor life- as I have dragged the computer into the living room and sprawled it across the room so I can type this from the couch and not have to sit upright. It will also have a greater impact on the police photographs for the coroners report when they finally find my body after the cheddarwursts I had for dinner finish exploding my heart like zesty, tangy MOAB. Oh, sorry about last week- I watched the Frontline thing on North Korea and then I taped over Smackdown with a couple Simpson episodes that came on this week.
- HEY! It's at the Norfolk Scope! I saw BlackJack Mulligan piledrive Harley Race on that very floor in 1975. I doubt anything on this show will come close to that.
- Tajiri and Misterio are tagging because of LAST WEEK! I have the episode where Bart gets a Big Brother who fights Homer at Seaworld in the place on the tape where that would be. WEEEEEEEEELLLLLL, It's the BIIIIG SHOW! YEAH IT'S THE BIG SHOW! SOMETHING SOMETHING! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW! Tajiri and Ray do a lot of dropkicks and Taz busts out the Malachi Crunch reference! WOO-HOO! Happy Days! The Big Show does his Match Of Beals and you- you the gentle reader- you the WWE veiwer- YOU the ernest fan of the Professional Wrestling, can only say to yourself, "My God, why have you forced me to see such an unflushed pile of festering dogshit try to wrestle?" You are bitter. You are filled with hate. Your eyes brim with tears as you lose all sense of why this match exists at all. The booking was shitty and the match helped no one, but Rey and Tajiri worked their asses off and A-Train sold really well for them, I suppose. Unfortunately, this has the fetid smell of a fued noone wanted to see coming to shitty stinky fucking gutwrenching fruition.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON: The Baron looked over his handy work and was happy but he knew it wasn't enough. He spoke to stuffed corpse of MullKEY- who he kept presevered behind the table holding all of his beakers. "Oh MullKEY, how I have failed you. You vere my only true friend.... here, I have assembled an army... AN ARMY! You have seen mein MechaJiveTones. Zey vill be formidible. But, alas, zey vill not be enough. Let me show you, my unfortunate friend, what else I have BROUGHT TO ZIS GOT-FORSAKEN VORLD! KNOW TOO, MEIN FRUEND, THAT ZERE VILL BE NO PEACE, ZERE VILL BE NO HARMONY for ANYVONE! EVER!!!!! Yes, look at zis.." Though MullKEY was very dead, the Baron felt the need to pull a veil on two figures.
"Ze first thing ve need is a female to play into Vilson's pathetic veakness of the flesh. Some voluptuous, someone tempting, someone with a really set of knockerzzzz! Look upon her, mein dead friend! Even YOU try to return from your eternity in Perdition to touch her skin, to kiss lips, TO RECIEVE THE LOVE OF THE HELLCAT! THE VIXEN! THE GENETICALLY PEEEERRRRFECT... CYBER BIG MAMA!"
She was an titanium alloy cyborg wrapped with the cloned flesh of perfect centerfold skin. Her hair was Farrah Fawcett Majors' mixed with Joey Heatherton to reach that perfect frame for her Elke Sommers-based perfect Tutonic face. Her eyes blazed with devillish seduction and passion. Her chest heaved with waves of sexual energy. No man could possibly say no. No man could possibly resist her. The Baron was pleased with his work. "Zis is not all. Ze MechaJiveTones will break his body, CyberBig Mama zill break his spirit, but he vill TRULY DIE ven I UNLEASH FURY...." the second veil hits the ground. The light hits the tatto across the final robot's chest- "Come To Papa". "... I UNLEASH THE FORCE AND DEVASTATION of..... ZE ROBO-BOOGIEWOOGIE MAN!"
- John Cena saves Brock Lesner from coming off with the oratory skills of a post-Christianity-level Man Called Sting. Benoit comes out and suddenly this all rules. Benoit talks like Flair when he talks of the belt being more than the person holding it. I love that shit. Cena is fun as the evil weasel and Benoit is suddenly moving into an Arn Anderson realm of Ass-Stomper/Keeper of the Faith. Brock is happy to be in this triangle. Cena carries the micwork, Benoit holds the promise of great matches in the ring for both.
- Eddy comes out and they say that Los Guerrerros vs Team ANGLE are gonna go at it and I contemplate a sports bar, some nachos, maybe a gallon of booze.... TEAM ANGLE shows up and Shelton Benjamin comes up and he and Charlie talk shit about Eddy's Grandma and IT'S ON! Oh wait, Jamie Noble attacks. Jamie Noble has the look of a man who is being groomed for the Brooklyn Brawler spot that came about when they gave up and no longer had Bobby The Brain accompany him. I await a repackaging of Noble as the wacky new DOINK 2004! The WWE sucks. Eddy wins in two minutes-ish. Eddy post-match calls TEAM ANGLE a coupla cock-smoking dick-suckers. Chavo pipes in by calling them a coupla ass-blasting funnyboys. They fight and fight and fight and all the while I visualize TEAM ANGLE loving each other in tender loving butt-clenching ways. And so did you....
- Kendrick and MATT MOTHERFUCKING HARDY have a fun little match. Matt whips out the Full Nelson and they fiddle with it until they work it into a super cool asses Spinning DDT out of it. Kendrick hits the .2 on the Macho Man Elbowdrop. Matt kills him with a Twist of Fate and THAT was way too short.
- Benoi throws everything into his match with Cena amd Cena acquits himself well by not being completely smoked by the perfection of Benoit wrestling. Benoit knows Norfolk is eternally Horseman Country and pops the crowd with Flair knife-edge chops. Benoit starts breaking him down and Cena goes on offense with his pedestrian Kanyon-Lite offense. Benoit fights out of his HEAT SEGMENT and is cut-off by Cena with a drop toehold and then makes one remember the offense of Edge as he does a lot of overly contrived spots before he goes back to work on Benoit's neck until a barrage of suplexes gets us to the trading of finishes. Cena sells the Crossface like RVD and I no longer like Cena. Cena with the flashpin and you should marvel at the greatness of Benoit as a wrestler- as he makes this WAAAY better than it should have been. I also thank the WWE for not forcing me to go to a sports bar, since they ain't gonna be running Brock Lesner vs Chris Benoit and fuck knows I ain't paying Nacho and booze money to see Cena vs Lesnar. Sorry.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Big Show and A-Train do a postmatch comedy skit! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not the useless giant-killer angle! NOOOOOOOOO! Remember how great those Juventud vs Reiss matches were? Remember how the Spike Dudley vs BamBam Bigelow match propelled both of them into the realm of mega-superstardom? Remember how the Nash vs Misterio fued not only justified Rey losing his mask, but also sealed Rey as a true heavyweight contender for the rest of eternity? Oh yeah, the giant-killer angle is booking GOLD.
- The FBI do not make me forget about the Four Horsemen. They don't even make me forget Devastation Incorporated. Nunzio does a funny Brando impersonation while being choked to death. Whatever good that does to make me give a shit about a wrestling match. The match itself was perfectly fine as Jones leans into a Chuck Superkick well and it didn't last too long.
- Piper's Pit means that I can work on this week's Al Wilson segment. OH WAIT! Jimmy Snuka! I saw Snuka wrestle in that very building about 400 times. He was motherfucking great. Here, it looked like he and Piper were having a special Piper's Pit discussing the high and lowpoints of their recent prostate exams. Old farts fight and Sean O-Haire and Rikishi set up a very questionable-in-quality match.
- Sable and Torrie threaten to fuck each other. They won't let us watch and- come on- if you want to watch an old leathery stripper bump cooters with a less old leathery stripper, your uncle has a video of his bachelor party in his closet. They did it right after he shotgunned the beer between the old one's titties. Then we all smoked cigars and talked about football.
- Sable, Torrie and Nidia have battle of the spoogetastic wedgies and your 39 year old cousin that plays Warhammer on line blew viscuous, cottage cheese-textured semen all over his Boba Fet figurine. Noble takes the dropkick well. Yep, he's down to selling for wrestling's pathetic answer to Shannon Tweed. I've touched my little trooper to Shannon Tweed, and YOU, Sable, are no Shannon Tweed.
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENWEEEEEEEEELLLLLL, It's the BIIIIG SHOW! YEAH IT'S THE BIG SHOW! SOMETHING SOMETHING! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!
WEEEEEEEEELLLLLL... Well, it's the BIG SHOW! Well, it's a Big Bad Show tonight! Well, it's the BIG SHOW! C'mon, crank it up and turn down all the lights! Well, get ready for something That you'll never know... You won't see it coming But I promise you'll know... THE BIG SHOW!!!
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENI promise to never use the term "Cottage-cheese-textured" ever again. And I am so "incorporating" (as in "Stealing") the blaring "Boy From New York City" idea.
Has Al Wilson reached the point of power where out of fear members of Paul Jones Army are aligning themselves with Jimmy Valiant? Now I'm scared.
There is only one man left to save Vince McMahon and the WWF/E. One man who will provide weekly Hogan/Andre Main Event ratings for RAW. Baghdad Bob is your salvation Vince. www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com
It's not that they would ever align in real life, it's just that the Baron has to use whatever genetic material he has available- be it skin cells on drinking glasses used by the Jivetones, hard-way juice from Valient that spilled onto the Barons trunks in 1979 or strands of hair that had broken off in the Baron's fingernails when he would grab Big Mama's hair at ringside.