The War rages on and I`m assuming that every man with a living soul is bouncing between newsites at work all day trying to get the latest updates. I personally bring it around the horn every hour on the hour at the breaking news section at Arts and Literature Daily (http://aldaily.com) and thus my general mood swings between being euphorically hopeful to being horrendously depressed as each update comes in. As I am sure it is for you, it`s been a draining week and I`m deeply hating every fucking idiot around me and on the internet for no real reason on earth and I need to chill out- so for two hours, I shall watch the most useless form of the Professional Wrestling- WWE- and try to crack as many bad jokes as I can muster. I do this for you. I do this for me. Let`s us have a good time in fellowship together....
- THEEEE BIG SHOOOW! Fuck yeah! What a SONG! What absolutely gorgeous entrance music. A-Train`s theme blows goats blowing dogs because it doesn`t allow us to hear the rest of the Big Show`s fucking awesome theme. So FUCK A-TRAIN. I don`t care if he is perfectly fine in the ring. Fucking shitty entrance music cutting off THE ONLY ENTRANCE MUSIC THAT FUCKING MATTERS. FUCK HIM AND HIS SHITTY SUB-KROKUS ENTRANCE MUSIC! A-Train sells the chops of Benoit but doesn`t sell anything else very well. Big Show is just absolutely fucking awful. What a fat useless mountain of shit. Benoit TRIES to make Mt Rushmore out of a festering pile of dogshit that is the Big Show but Benoit isn`t ACTUALLY Jesus Christ. Probably isn`t. A-Train tags in and at least Benoit has something to work with. A-Train has that fun Gorey Special Drop and the HEAT SEGMENT is in full effect. Benoit suplexes to TRANSITION! The hot tag is pretty heated and Rhyno is fun beating on A-Train. Rhyno once again bumps big for no reason and then they remember that they have to set up the worst tag match since that Nikolai Volkov/ Iron Shiek vs the Bushwackers match at Heroes of Wrestling. What am I saying, this will be INFINITELY worse than the match at Heroes of Wrestling. Welcome to scraping in by the skin of your teeth.
- Rey Rey comes out to the ring and I automatically put him in the Worked Column. Hey, it`s Brian Kendrick. Nuts, I thought they were going to wrestle each other. AH COOL! MATT HARDY! He is a true motherfucker of professional wrestling! FUCK YEAH! Shannon Moore is an MFer and I CAN ONLY WONDER if he will allow Kendrick to outbump him. Awesome, they steal the CRAZY MAX dropkick Giant Swing. Matt and Rey Rey are GOLD in the ring. The highflying powerbomb assist is nice by TEAM MATTITUDE. Matt hits the fucking GNARLEY Black Tiger Bomb on Kendrick and we weep. Rey makes the hot tag and he is awesome bringing the house afire. I loved the multi-sectioned double teams that lead up to the wacky ending. Postmatch, MATT is awesome looking all crazy at Rey. Matt Hardy fucking rules. So does Rey Misterio Jr. I can see Kendrick and Hardy having some ass-stomping matches in the near future.
- John Cena effectively uses a Mr Miagi reference so he starts here. He may move down yonder after the match. (Later, Rasmussen comes back to this as the match starts.) Turdwellian was confused. ``Why are we here? The monitors on the ship seemed to point to Cena wrestling Brock Lesnar?`` Dr Poo turned to his Ass Captain, ``Yes, it would appear that Cena is going to try to use Rikishi and Grand Ass Of Rikishi to set up a match with Lesnar.`` Turdwellian was puzzled. He had the finest vessel in the ass fleet. Rikishi`s ass was the largest, most powerful, most pungent- but it looked like he was being ordered to reel in his giant ass- and this made Turdwellian distraught. He is brought out of his funk by the exclamation, ``He`s got us in a SLEEPER, SIR!``
``Okay, McShite! LARAIT! and ASS-CANNON! Dr Poo! FULL RAMMIN SPEED!``
``What fragrance,sir? We are about to Stinkface...``
Turdwellian quickly thought of the perfect scent to conjure in the fat stinky ass of Rikishi, ``Dumpster at a chicken processing factory filled with mackeral chum in July.``
McShite perked up, ``That`ll be a stink he`ll ne`er forget, m`captain.``
Turdwellian smiled at the putridness and settled into the rest of Rikishi doing the job, knowing that he had commandeered this ass like the great commander that he was.
Death Valley Driver by Cena gets him the pin and he challenges Lesnar to come out and he wanders off and finds Brock. Lesnar beats the life out of him but Angle bashes Brock with a 2 by 4 and there you go. I am already tired of hearing ``word-life``.
- I like it better when Kurt is evil and funny instead of so shoot-interviewy. Still worked. Not enough to make me go to a sports bar, but it worked.
- Baron Von Rashke looked up from his videoscreen and the look of disgust wasn`t veiled at all. ``Al Vilson has killed a good and faithful zervant. You vill pay, my cunning zex machine opponent.`` The Baron fought back a tear for his faithful companion and spent a few minutes walking around his underground laboratory, memories flooding his head as he remembers saving MullKEY from the certain death the Gladiators had devised for him- throwing his mutated form in the St Paul river, how he nursed him back to health, how he taught him everything he knew. Thoughts came back to his wife, who had fled from him to a woman`s shelter when jim Von Raschke`s insanity had become complete. ``Ze only woman I could ever love thinks me a MADMAN. My companion- the closest thing I have ever had to a son- is now dead. ZERE. ZERE were the only two things that have kept ANY part of me civil and human. I have had enough. Zere vill be no mercy. Zere vill be no compassion. Zere will only be pain. Zere vill only be AGONY! AL VILSON, I now unleash on you my most evil and hellish force- MY MASTERPIECE of BRILLIANCE! YOU VILL FEEL MY MIGHT! YOU VILL SHUTTER IN FEEEEEEEAR as you LOOK at ze FACES AND FORMS OF.....wait...`` The Baron quickly puts on his cape and monocle to make sure he was truly in his moment of RENEWAL, his phoenix-like ascent from the ashes of his own self-doubt and insecurity. He punches in the code to instantly thaw out two figures that rise out of the cryogenic chambers in the floor. The light dances off the glitter of hats and metallic skin. The light dances off the glitter of their vests. ``Yes, you zwarmy needle-dicked motherfugga, YOU, AL VILZON, will not LIVE long enough to regret the day you first faced THE HELL AND FURY... OF THIS!.....MY MINIONS! MY DEATHDEALERZZZ! YES, IT IS THE GLORY OF THE MECHA-JIVETONES!``
- Los Guerrerros and TEAM ANGLE do that professional wrestling that I enjoy so much. Oh, it took me half the match to figure out that this is singles match. Haas does the fun Hotshot Across The Arm and then works more on the arm. I loved the Steven Regal lifting by the bad arm spot. The crowd gets behind Eddy as he is selling the armbar and you and I both love the psychology of the wrestling match. Eddy covers for a blown rana and gets facebusted. Eddy sells the arm and gets the flashpin to put an end to a cool wrestling match. I dug how they wrestled it as tag wrestlers- with Eddy getting the long HEAT SEGMENT~! and everything, but the flashpin taking the place of the hot tag. Odd conceptualization of a singles match to build up a tag match. If they allude to Haas hurting the shoulder in the tag match Sunday, it will have been something neat and DEEP psychologically.
- Nathan Jones doesn`t actually wrestle on my TV tonite? Fuck yeah.... It`s like not getting kneed in the groin. A regular Get Out Of Watching Shitty Wrestling Free card.
- Nidia is a fun little wrestler- nice punches. Torrie is the white Slam Dunk. Nidia leans into the swinging DDT like a FREAK. Sure, up here.
- Shelton Benjamin and Chavo square off. Benjamin is good. He works on the leg and his offense looks all credible and shit. Chavo sells the leg. I LOVED the Backbreaker with the Knee replacing the Back. Then Benjamin does that cool as Indian Deathlock-cum-Nagata Lock and Benjamin should definately go completely Malenko on our asses. I love this match because of how well it compliments the other match. Benjamin is a niftier wrestler so this is a niftier match. Chavo does the cool ass counters to the Dragon Screw. They have shenanigans with Charlie and Eddy and Chavo hits the sweet La Majistral. Postmatch, they attack Los Guerrerros with belts, Benoit and Rhyno storm the ring and this match and the Rey/Matt match are what I would want to see on this PPV.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK-
- Did I ever tell you that Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon wrestling each other doesn`t fascinate me? Well, let me tell you, I do appreciate it that they spend a lot of time on this. The time that they use building up this festering mutated turd of a match allows me quality time with my youngsters. Tonight we made oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies. And boy were they good. Mmmmmmm oatmeal.... I think I`ll go write that Al Wilson segment that you already read/skipped over.
- They have ANOTHER McMahon vs Hogan segment and I think I`ll proofread this whole thing. The cool thing about McMahon training is that it is nice that he finally got to wrestle since his father forbade him to become a wrestler when he was a kid. You should pay $39.95 to see it. I think I would rather pay someone 40 bucks to grab my nipples and fall down backwards.
- Jamie Noble is no fucking redneck. A redneck would much rather throw some jitter into a big-butted dark-haired hellcat than stir the stinky stew with the dried out, fake tittied, bleached blond stripper at JB`s Gallery of Girls. Noble is turning into a Hamden-Sydney frat boy who beer bongs lite beer and subscribes to Maxim magazine. Imagine my chagrin. What the FUCK was that hideous get-up she was wearing to her PRESS CONFERENCE~! ?
- I keep continuing to not give a shit about Sean O`Haire. So what, is he a wrestler or something? Or is he Cyrus 2003? Is he the NEW MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK? Nouvelle Mantaur? A whitebread Salvator Sincere? The lost, tall Bodydonna? Hook a brother up with your mad phat knowledge.....
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN The cool thing about McMahon training is that it is nice that he finally got to wrestle since his father forbade him to become a wrestler when he was a kid. You should pay $39.95 to see it. I think I would rather pay someone 40 bucks to grab my nipples and fall down backwards.
Originally posted by CruelAngel777i kinda wanted to see Nathan Jones wrestle finally. I know I'm gonna regret that comment later.
i felt the same way until i saw him come out to interrupt the match and throw some REALLY WEAK punches and poorly sell a two-man beatdown. now i just hope they keep him out of the ring as much as possible on sunday.
man when nathan came out i wanted to mark out so bad for him but i kinda felt deflated man the dude looks like a murderer but then he comes out and throws managed to throw a few punches that looked weaker than anything rvd has ever thrown while in a drunken stupor, droggy with low blood sugar, man those punches was horrible, im still gonna give him some time, just keep him out the ring for a bit he will get better(i hope). hmm eventualy he will be good enough for somewone to carry him through a decent match
I didn't think Jones looked that bad. Sure, the punches were a little weak, but I thought he sold about as well as could be expected. He didn't blow me out of the water, but he looked good enough that I wouldn't be surpised by improvement in the long run.
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENTorrie is the white Slam Dunk.
Dear GOD! That is the funniest thing ever! Now if she'll only start using the choke slam as a finisher...
Nah. Slam Dunk had that top-rope legdrop that she busted out on the PPV, and it acutally looked like she would approach semi-competent monster heel had WOW survived past that. Torrie Wilson gives me more of a Lotus vibe. Watching her try to do flips during her Tajiri days gave me the same vibe as when Lotus tried do a handspring elbow, with less aesthetic success than Chyna.
Tonight: Batista and Undertaker team up again (why?) to take on Finlay and Mr. Kennedy. Also, Deuce and Domino get another shot at the tag titles as they face London and Kendrick. -WWE Open. -Smackdown Open. -Cole and J.B.L.