DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN
   
   
    
  
 
Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!
Since last post: 776 days
Last activity: 773 days
|  #1 Posted on 13.2.03 2106.38 | Instant Rating: 9.85 | I`m back! Unloved by all, no one invited me to the movies this week. Alone, I weep bitter tears and write a Smackdown Workrate Report for you- the beloved and kissable reader. So LAY ON, MCSMACKDOWN! and let loose the dogs of war!
WHAT WORKED-
- Charlie Haas vs Edge starts on the mat and then it goes armdraggy. Heyman is ringside and it still feels like he is trying to scout and sign Edge- as opposed to him being some part of TEAM ANGLE. Kurt has the completely balls out velour work-out suit. Haas cheats to kill time before Edge goes on offense and the cringing kicks in- though I write this and Edge makes with the really nice Vertical Suplex. Edge hits highly edited punches to lead to bodydrops and assorted rollups. Edge hits the hated one man flapjack and I squint my eyes and fight back my hatred for the move. Heyman takes a spear off the apron and Haas gets the roll-up win and the Push keeps going.
- Baron Von Raschke fingers the rim of his brandy snifter as he sits in his captains chair overlooking a bank of flashing computers. Mildred, his wife, enters the room. ``Jim, why are you wearing that monocle? and why are you wearing that wig? What the hell...``
``Vere is no more of zis so-called `Jim Raschke`. That man is dead.``
`` Jim, what on earth is wrong with you?``
``Mildred, I love you... I loved you more than Jim ever did or COULD. So many years I had to wait and wait.... HOOPING for some vay to RETURN! He touched you vith mein hands... kist you vith mein lips. Those days are over. NOW ZAY ARE MEIN HANDS! ZESE ARE MEIN LIPS! Your pitiful life as a Lutheran volunteer iz over, my only love. Ze Baron vill give you EVERYTHING that you deserve. Ze Baron will treat you like ZAT IDIOT Jim NEVAH COULD! You, my only love... you, my tender precious flower.... You will sit by side in your angelic queenly majesty. AND HAND IN HAND, you and I VILL RULE VE VURLD!``
``Oh my GOD, Jim! You`ve lost your mind!``
``Darlink, you vill go upstairs now. Ze Baron must finish his plans.`` Mildred quietly leaves the man she has loved dearly for 43 years. She is shaken but she stoically gathers herself and quietly places a call to the Minnesota health and human services department.
The Baron wig glows and writhes like Medusa`s snakes. And pinkish red energy wells up in the former Jim Raschke`s eyes. ``Al Vilson... do not sink zat I do not know you are coming my vay. Also know zat I vill have many surprises for you. Vat do you know about love, Al Vilson? Vat do you know about anysing?``
The Baron sleeps...
2 B CONTINUED, MOTHERFUCKERZ.
- Allright! They found something to do with my boy, Chuck Palumbo. My wife is Italian and she could send some her boys from Milan after these guys and beat them into a fine Northern Italian white sauce. Johnny The Bull was who? I`m trying to sort them out. Which one pinned Misawa in the All Japan battle royal that time?
- Matt hits Rey Rey with Mattitude. He is wearing the rubber suit that looks less rubber than the comical pants that Rey Rey is wearing. Rey is fun being all high-flying and death-eating. Shannon cheats like a good MFer will to allow Matt to torture the lil fella. Tazz makes jokes about wearing rubbers and most of the 37 year old virgins who watch at home begin sobbing into their Boba Fet handtowels. Matt takes the shoulder bump to set up the first hot nearfall. Tazz calls Rey ``triple tough`` after the first Matt nearfall and I thought that it would mean that Rey is jobbing for a while- but Matt starts selling the effects of the rubber suit and Rey hits the MOR-TAL! and Hurricanrana for the pin. Matt explains the loss because of dehydration. He then talks shit about that boring useless sack of crap Billy Kidman.
- Benoit vs A-Train signals the end of the A-Train push, I guess. A-Train no-sells early and gets in some offense that Benoit leans into because he is motherfucking Benoit. Benoit keeps teasing the Crossface between selling way to much of A-Train`s power moves. Benoit makes the big comeback with the Triple Locomotion German Suplex but misses with the Diving Headbutt. A-Train a super Sub-Dale Torborg front kick that three edits can`t save and goes for a chokeslam that Benoit turns into a Crippler Crossface for the tap. This was a little too much selling by Benoit for a guy who is so not over as A-Train, but he finished strong and refused to break the hold which made up for him putting over A-Train so big the majority of the match. Benoit fucking motherfucking fucking rules. He 1983 Ric Flair-level rules.
- Shelton Benjamin is the worker of TEAM ANGLE and he is wrestling Eddy Guerrerro so imagine my delight. Eddy does the cool ass not breaking of the head scissors that Shelton turns into an Eeeeelectric Chair and then they go into a heat spot. The crowd still doesn`t see Eddy as a face but that doesn`t stop him from hitting a fucking GREAT belly-to-belly. Eddy with the Sunset Flip Powerbomb out of the corner and he hits a Frogsplash off the top to Haas on the floor to set up a nice leg lariat by Benjamin for the pin. Fuck yeah, let`s get these kids over so they don`t wither when Curt Angle turns face.
- Cena gets in the big heat and gets the big assbeating. Lesnar is awesome with the studied flurry of powermoves and Cena sells it well until he can come back. Cena goes all Memphis with the chain for two and Lesnar Vaders a few suplexes and sells the submission like a professional wrestler. Cena is fun with the keylock Spot but with the rear naked choke. Then it goes into a Sleeper face spot that morphs into an Oklahoma Stampede spot. Cena with a nice lariat and some offense until Brock cuts him off and kills him with BEAUTIFUL released suplexes. An exposed turnbuckle leads to the F-5 and we have 12 minutes left. Brock is on the stick and I`m scared that Brock Lesnar will talk for 12 minutes. OH WAIT! The Lesnar F-5 to the ringpost on Cena. Angle is incensed as we go to commercial and he`s heading to the ring. Angle`s velour workout suit wins the staredown. The sinus infection keeps Angle from wrestling and I laugh uncontrollably. Lesnar excepts a challenge for next week and Kurt Angle says to all the boys in the back ``NO ONE OUTBUMPS ANGLE! NO ONE! EVER!`` as he takes a chestfull of stairs and released German on the floor. Brock kills TEAM ANGLE and next week is set up.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK-
- Spanky is now mixed up with the likes of Sean O`Haire and Bill Demott. Jesus. Talk about having to carry a double-full thunderbucket of reeking shit.
- Oh Jesus. Nathan Jones is gonna be ON SMACKDOWN EXCLUSIVELY! I figured they`d wait until next year`s comical attempt at a cruiserweight division and use Jones to kill it next year like Bill Demott killed it this year. Oh well. There will always be Giant Singh or Bob Sapp next year so buck up, little camper.
- God, Stephanie McMahon is looking more like Jeff Gaylord every week. She does announce a 6 man that would work. The SEGMENT itself didn`t work. Lesnar/Angle/ Edge vs TEAM ANGLE is gonna fucking rule. That`s right, motherfucker..... JEFF GAYLORD. Jeff Gaylord, ladies and gentlemen. Stephanie McMahon is starting to look like Global Wrestling federation midcarder... Jeff Gaylord. That`s right.... Jeff Gaylord. Jeff. Gaylord.
- Heyman`s face of delight when UT enters on his motorcycle and the fact that Kanyon sings some Culture Club doesn`t make up for the Crying Game-esque revelation that Kanyon was going to get fed to the lumbering, baby-toothed Undertaker. The chairshots were actual chairshots. There. I said it.
- Krusty the Clown ghostwrites the Funaki segment. HAHAHAHA! He said ``rice``! Oh you wacky wrasslin` promotion! WWE, please insert my shlong into your suckhole until I impregnate your uvula.
- Torrie Wilson without the Mack Al Wilson and Dawn Marie without the Mack Al Wilson is so not good. Actually, they did some wrestling and ripped each others clothes off. Cole and Tazz talk about jacking off to Cole`s ``Girls Gone Wild`` videos and it`s soooooo creepy that I love it as much as I love this match- they do roll-ups into pulling each others pants down. That`s fucking so grotesquely fucked up and weird- like they are using all their knowledge on working a match with attempts to show the world their asses and titties. Dawn Marie hits a fun lariat off the second rope. Nidia runs in and can`t rip off Torrie`s pants but she is a HOUSE OF FIRE as she rips off Nidia`s pants and suddenly I feel a twinge. A twinge in my funny parts. A twinge about the big ole butt of Nidia. I actually fucking loved this, but I`m contractually obligated to put this in the What Didn`t Work column. I swear. WOO-HOO! Lookit all the butts! Okay. I`m kidding. This sucked. Except the part about Nidia`s big ole butt.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
DEAN RASMUSSEN.
YES, I AM DEAN.| Promote this thread! |           | Mild Mannered Madman
Toulouse
Since: 1.3.02
From: Westminster, CA
Since last post: 794 days
Last activity: 47 days
| #2 Posted on 13.2.03 2111.33 |
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
Allright! They found something to do with my boy, Chuck Palumbo. My wife is Italian and she could send some her boys from Milan after these guys and beat them into a fine Northern Italian white sauce. Johnny The Bull was who? I`m trying to sort them out. Which one pinned Misawa in the All Japan battle royal that time?
Um... Johnny the Bull was... Johnny The Bull. =)
Well, he was Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli on Heat. Big Vito (Skull Von Krush)was the one that pinned Misawa in the Battle Royal. And he still brags about it.
I have a special friend. He's the baby Jesus and I love him and...and...he don't give me no s**t and he don't f**k around and he's just the f**king coolest guy and I wanna say I love the baby Jesus.I can't say enough.I love the baby Jesus and I think...he's the best thing and he's really great when he shares his love for everbody.You know what I mean?I can't even see a manger without thinkin' about him,eh?I just love the Jesus.I've only been into him for a couple of hours though,but I'm really into him.
--Bruce McCulloch | Teppan-Yaki
Pepperoni
Since: 28.6.02
Since last post: 422 days
Last activity: 392 days
| #3 Posted on 13.2.03 2113.44 | Nidia & Underoos = Ratings
For all that, though and the workrate on the program, wouldn't *conventional* logic make the woman that can wrestle be on SD!?
Oh -- right, we're in WWE logic prison... forgot to wear my orange "Nailz" jumpsuit.
"We had four couples, eight questions, a refrigerator and that's it."
--Chuck Barris, talking about The Newlywed Game on LIVE! With Regis and Kelly | DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN
Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!
Since last post: 776 days
Last activity: 773 days
| #4 Posted on 13.2.03 2127.13 | Instant Rating: 9.85 |
Originally posted by Mild Mannered Madman
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
Allright! They found something to do with my boy, Chuck Palumbo. My wife is Italian and she could send some her boys from Milan after these guys and beat them into a fine Northern Italian white sauce. Johnny The Bull was who? I`m trying to sort them out. Which one pinned Misawa in the All Japan battle royal that time?
Um... Johnny the Bull was... Johnny The Bull. =)
Well, he was Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli on Heat. Big Vito (Skull Von Krush)was the one that pinned Misawa in the Battle Royal. And he still brags about it.
DR: Oh okay. Big Vito isn't in the WWE. I get all those former Baldies confused.
DEAN.
YES, I AM DEAN. | Excalibur05
Knackwurst
Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota
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| #5 Posted on 13.2.03 2138.20 | I cannot tell you how disappointed I am that no comparisons were drawn between Pimp Daddy Al Wilson and the original Old School Pimp Hugh Hefner.
RAW Satire 2/10
Buffy 7.14 gets a 7.10 WAY better than last week, and I like the Principal Wood character alot. | DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN
Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!
Since last post: 776 days
Last activity: 773 days
| #6 Posted on 13.2.03 2158.23 | Instant Rating: 9.85 | Hefner is a old rich guy with bad taste in jazz. Al Wilson is the MACK! THE O G! There is no comparison to be made.
DEAN.
YES, I AM DEAN. | Enojado Viento
Potato korv
Since: 12.3.02
From: Your Grocer's Freezer, NC
Since last post: 206 days
Last activity: 36 min.
| #7 Posted on 13.2.03 2203.49 |
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
Hefner is a old rich guy with bad taste in jazz. Al Wilson is the MACK! THE O G! There is no comparison to be made.
DEAN.
. . .I thought Max Julien was The Mack. ;-)
-LS
"Yeah, well, the movie lied." | spf
Scrapple
Since: 2.1.02
From: The Las Vegas of Canada
Since last post: 29 days
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| #8 Posted on 13.2.03 2257.48 | I just wait with great anticipation to see if somehow Da Crusher is going to play into the great Al Wilson/Baron Von Raschke drama. Or perhaps the ghosts of Dick The Bruiser and Moose Cholak.
The Most Bitter Place On The Net.
The current artist tickling my fancy: Brenda Weiler
 | DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN
Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!
Since last post: 776 days
Last activity: 773 days
| #9 Posted on 13.2.03 2316.03 | Instant Rating: 9.85 | Oh, who knows what the Baron will unleash to keep the Mack Al Wilson at bay.
DEAN. Well, I do, but I ain't telling.
YES, I AM DEAN. | whatever
Lap cheong
Since: 12.2.02
From: Cleveland, Ohio
Since last post: 6 days
Last activity: 16 hours
| #10 Posted on 14.2.03 0650.47 |
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
Lesnar/Angle/ Edge vs TEAM ANGLE is gonna fucking rule.
Hoo boy, Kurt is so good HE'S GONNA WRESTLE ON BOTH SIDES!!! This would give an even higher level of accomplishment, the ability to carry *himself* to a ***** match! 
(Just giving you a hard time - Love the reports, keep up the good work!)
I drove the Hummer. Sorry 'bout that. | MARTYEWR
Kishke
Since: 15.10.02
Since last post: 1436 days
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|  #11 Posted on 14.2.03 0700.03 | Instant Rating: 10.00 |
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
- God, Stephanie McMahon is looking more like Jeff Gaylord every week. She does announce a 6 man that would work. The SEGMENT itself didn`t work. Lesnar/Angle/ Edge vs TEAM ANGLE is gonna fucking rule. That`s right, motherfucker..... JEFF GAYLORD. Jeff Gaylord, ladies and gentlemen. Stephanie McMahon is starting to look like Global Wrestling federation midcarder... Jeff Gaylord. That`s right.... Jeff Gaylord. Jeff. Gaylord
Very much agreed. But, then, who gets to play the role of Eric Embry, shall I ask?
| DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN
Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!
Since last post: 776 days
Last activity: 773 days
| #12 Posted on 14.2.03 0811.04 | Instant Rating: 9.85 |
Originally posted by whatever
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
Lesnar/Angle/ Edge vs TEAM ANGLE is gonna fucking rule.
Hoo boy, Kurt is so good HE'S GONNA WRESTLE ON BOTH SIDES!!! This would give an even higher level of accomplishment, the ability to carry *himself* to a ***** match!
(Just giving you a hard time - Love the reports, keep up the good work!)
DR: Well... he COULD... he's so gaddam GREAT! He... he...he...
DEAN.
YES, I AM DEAN. | Scooter Trash
Blutwurst
Since: 23.7.02
From: Indiana
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| #13 Posted on 14.2.03 1153.06 | Instant Rating: 0.00 | Was I the only one that thought that Palumbo has a striking resemblance to James Cain in Godfather? I swear I would have shat myself if he would have bit Rikishi's hand during their beatdown.
"Lipsmackin' Thirstquenchin' Acetastin' Motivatin' Goodbuzzin' Cooltalkin' Highwalkin' Fastlivin' Evergivin' Coolfizzin' Scooter Trash." | Ringmistress
Lap cheong
Since: 15.1.02
From: Philly
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| #14 Posted on 14.2.03 1159.47 | Great recap. One question remains...
WHO'S JEFF GAYLORD?!?!
Ringmistress
Proper planning prevents piss poor performance"
William Regal
Learn it and live it, Vinnie Mac! | redsoxnation
Scrapple
Since: 24.7.02
Since last post: 2 days
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| #15 Posted on 14.2.03 1204.38 |
Originally posted by Ringmistress
Great recap. One question remains...
WHO'S JEFF GAYLORD?!?!
Ringmistress
A legendary mid-carder from the good old days of World Class/USWA and then Global in the late 80's/early 90's. For some reason though, they never did team him up with Steve 'Do It To Me' Cox.
Breaking News: In a preemptive military strike, the French Government has announced it has surrendered 2/3 of France, and will move back to Vichy.
| DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN
Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!
Since last post: 776 days
Last activity: 773 days
| #16 Posted on 14.2.03 1208.24 | Instant Rating: 9.85 | Jeff Gaylord was kind of a poor man's Jammin' Tommy Jammer.
DEAN.
YES, I AM DEAN. | Torchslasher
Knackwurst
Since: 17.1.02
From: New F'n Jersey
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| #17 Posted on 14.2.03 1236.48 | Instant Rating: 6.44 |
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
Jeff Gaylord was kind of a poor man's Jammin' Tommy Jammer.
DEAN.
That's great that you used a wrestler I've never heard of (Jammer) to explain a wrestler I have heard of (Gaylord). I loved Gaylord in the USWA and was always surprised that he didn't make it to the big two. But I was more taken by his size, and I can't remember if he wrestled badly or was just blackballed from the major feds.
 See what Care Bear you are.
| DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN
Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!
Since last post: 776 days
Last activity: 773 days
| #18 Posted on 14.2.03 1257.30 | Instant Rating: 9.85 | Either way, he'll never get on Smackdown unless he cuts his hair. He looks too much like Stephanie McMahon.
And Tommy Jammer was one half of the Top Guns in AWA unless I'm confused. He was the one who wasn't Derrick Dukes.
DEAN.
YES, I AM DEAN. | spf
Scrapple
Since: 2.1.02
From: The Las Vegas of Canada
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| #19 Posted on 14.2.03 1313.46 | I thought Ricky Rice and Derrick Duke were the Top Guns. I get those really bad late 80's AWA teams confused though. What ever happened to D.J. Peterson and The Trooper?
The Most Bitter Place On The Net.
The current artist tickling my fancy: Brenda Weiler
| DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN
Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!
Since last post: 776 days
Last activity: 773 days
| #20 Posted on 14.2.03 1319.39 | Instant Rating: 9.85 | Ah! You are correct. Tommy Jammer was kind of the poor man's Ricky Rice.
DJ Petersen died back the early 90s if I remember correctly.
DEAN. Poor man's Al Wilson.
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