Well, last week`s sucked but that was because everyone was all torqued about Christmas and couldn`t perform like the Professional Wrestlers we want them to be- but today is another day and this is another Smackdown taping, so hope springs eternal. I mean, fuck. It can`t suck as much as last week, right? I mean, Jesus, last weeks was horrendous. It`s gotta be better this week, right? Let`s see, shall we?
WHAT WORKED- - Stephanie comes out and taunts us with BONUS footage from last week (we who suffered through last weeks would really rather forget the whole thing, but it ain`t our show now, is it?) and the Big Show comes out and I really still love his theme song. He is wearing all black leather- sorta like the 1968 Elvis Presley Comeback show- but instead of it being the King of Rock n Roll, it would be Robert Hughes- the World`s Fattest Man. He gets all talky with Steph and they finally get to the part that makes it work. The Big Show talks about how amazingly fat he is and how Benoit is missing teeth. Benoit comes out and his music is all dramatical and shit. Benoit comes out and reminds me of a heel Shawn Micheals before they fucked him up. Actually they have the same voice and in this match they have the same gimmick. OUT OF NOWHERE- Benoit kicks him in the balls and does the Popeye laugh. This all just means one thing- Benoit loves you and reads the internet and wants the Big Show to feel the pain that we the wrestling fans have gone through, trying to suffer through Big Show`s collossally shitty attempts at wrestling. The Big Show is easier to take as a big uncontrollable freight train of burning shit if Chris Benoit can kick him in the balls on a regular basis. Actually, Benoit would have to boot his testicles to the point that they double as Big Shows earrings to make up for his WCW tenure alone. Still, I love the thinking.
- Al whips out the Viagra and gives it to Dawn Marie, alluding to how he will whip out his dick later and tag her on her wedding night like she has never been tagged. Al videotapes her titties and ALL you Al-Wilsons-in-Training want the tape of how to ply your skeezah with your love technique. His first lesson is to stick your tongue down her young throat- A LOT!- and make it look like a pelican feeding his young. Later in the show, Torrie starts bitching about her father getting all up in that and Al comes out- so mad I figured my hero would bury his foot up her ass- and says, ``Step off, bitch, where MAN hide my beefdart is his own motherfucking bizness? Don`t be getting between Big Daddy and the nappy dugout or I`ll break wild on your disrespectful skinny ass.`` Al is the fucking motherfucking king. - What do I have to do to be a young MFer? Shannon is crestfallen but Matt is a men-TOR and gives him a pep talk. Matt Hardy vs Brock Lesnar next week and then Matt turns on Shannon and tries to break his leg. God, Matt Hardy is becoming what we all wanted Chris Jericho to become in WCW- the quasi-Ultimate Warrior gimmick- not the one from WWF, but the Ultimate Warrior from the ultimatewarrior.com WEBSITE. You and I are completely fucking losing our minds awaiting Matt to completely lose his grasp of reality and start making up even more words. Matt- you know what you need- MAKE-UP AND ARM TASSLES! DO IT! MAKE-UP AND ARM TASSLES! COME ON! God, this could be soooooo fucking great.
- Eddy is Eddy. Kidman is not Eddy. Kidman is better than Edge. Eddy is not wrestling Edge. Eddy is wrestling Kidman. Eddy wrestling Kidman should be better than Eddy wrestling Edge. Eddy is better than Juventud. Eddy wrestling Kidman should be better than Kidman wrestling Juventud. HEY WAIT! Eddy IS wrestling Edge. This fucks my whole thing up! Where is Albert!?!?!? Albert isn`t wrestling Edge! ALBERT IS ALBERT! ALBERT ISN`T WRESTLING EDGE! EDDY IS WRESTLING EDGE! Eddy is better than Albert and Juventud. Eddy and Chavo bump like matching Fuerza Guerreras and Kidman is happy to be in the ring with them. Kidman bumps for Eddy and I am happy to watch the wrestling. Eddy hitting that slingshot senton onto Chavo`s backbreaker is AWESOME. Edge`s shitty lariat isn`t awesome. Edge and Chavo make Edge look GOD-LIKE and Edge MUST be completely torqued to being carried at such a level again. Chavo and Kidman go out in a bumptastic heap and Edge does the goofiest set-up ever for the Spear, but the crowd doesn`t care as they legitimately pop like monkeys for the nearfall. Edge in his heart, professes his love for the Guerrerros and all the goodness they bring to his matches. They set-up the big ten count count out, but they decide at the last minute that they should go to a commercial. Okay. Hey, Edge welcomes us back by ruining his shoulder like a MAN. The crowd gives a shit about Edge when A-Train isn`t in the picture. This is a point that the Guerrerros should thank Edge for- they get fat ass heat when they wrestle Edge. Maybe there is just a inexplicable chemistry. Maybe Los Guerrerros are just fucking great and Edge gets fired up and hangs with them. They restart the match and make it no DQ and I am superdigging this. Kidman reverses the FIRST Chavo Powerbomb EVER and I would begin hating Kidman but he takes a Shannon Moore-level DEATHBUMP off the top to his head and erases the hate the former move creates. We are still even, young Kidman. I, the wrestling fan, and you, the professional wrestler, are even. FINALLY, A-Train comes out and kills Edge to set up Eddy to hit the Love Machine Splash on Kidman to let Chavo get his win in WWE history. That was fucking great. Kidman is now up one.
- The Lesnar beatdown of Angle and Big Show from last week was really great for a lot of reasons but mostly for Paul E channeling Ox Baker with the ``I HATE YOU!`` chant. Angle sells the knee like Jon Jerkivic after the low shot by Eric Williams in the 1994 NFC playoffs. The kneebreaker off the rail was fucking MAGNIFICENT. Brock is fucking great. Angle is fucking GREAT. Big Show takes that bump he takes TWICE. I feel the love for the Professional Wrestling.
- Angle comes out and is the biggest asshole on earth and deep in your heart you know that I love this. God, I can`t figure out which part I liked the best. Probably the ``WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!`` part. THEN! THEN Heyman brings out TEAM ANGLE. Team Angle is absolutely GREAT- it is sooooooo Team Piper 2002. I love it. Hey, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin. I`m stoked. God, this is fucking brilliant. Can Horshu be far behind? I`m definately stoked.
- Holy fuck, Antonio Fargus on Steve Harvie tonight. Awesome.
- Chris Benoit is your professional wrestling GOD. The Big Show`s theme is fucking great. It`s the biiiiiiiiiig show! well, ramble on the mountain, something something something! It`s theeeeee Biiiiiiig Show! Benoit and Big Show trade stiff chops and the crowd gets onto a Big Show match because Benoit makes his Beel Manuveur look devastating and makes everything else that usually looks so lousy when the Big Show does it against anyone else, look good. Big Show fights out of the first Crossface with a Sidewalk Slam and Big Slow keeps doing all these Irish whips and stands around a lot in between. Benoit takes out his knee and the psychology of the match kicks in. The German was mighty ugly but the crowd is on their feet as he hits his Headbutt for two. Big Show goes facefirst into the exposed turnbuckle and Benoit gets the flashpin win with an odd roll-up. Then he procures the Crossface and TEAM ANGLE HITS THE RING! WOO-HOO! Evil Team Angle with the Powerbomb Doomsday Device. Benoit is dead! Team Angle drags Benoit over to Angle and Angle chokes him with a crutch and WWE goes all Bill Watts-ian with the heels looking strong. I`m glad that last weeks booking was a hiccup because this is picture perfect Mid-South 86 booking. The Big Show sucks, but Benoit dragged a semblance of a match out of him, so that wasn`t so strong. The booking of the stable against the isolated face is classic booking and it puts it all over the top. This was fucking great.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK- - Ah, Bill DeMott. He`s a bully! A very multi-edited bully! God, you can`t edit those kicks enough to make them look like anything. He does throw a nice elbow drop, so mad phat props to you. They canned crowd pops like freaks for the finish as it appears that most of the crowd got so excited that they had to rush to the bathroom to relieve their bladders of their PEE OF EXCITEMENT!
- B-2! He sez BOO-YA! Rikishi comes out and B-2 takes a big bump early on. Cena doesn`t allow the Stinkface and allows B-2 to bring out the his inner Bull Buchanon- including his keeeeerrrappy punches. He bumps big though. Rikishi has to sell his ho-rendous lariats. B-2 enjoys some parts of Rikishi`s ghastly stinky pungent nether regions but not enough to make it into a overlycrowded Worked Column on the big two-six of the one two in the oh two. - Los Guerrerros vs The Nouvelle Funky Bunch is something I didn`t want to see. Eddy and Chavo are all kinds of great making fun of the rapping white guys and it`s funny. I don`t want to see the match. Yeah I do. It`s fucking EDDY GUERRERRO. He can carry ANYONE- even Bull Buchanon. It`ll be fascinating. I GOT PUT SOMETHING DOWN HERE. Jesus. What do you people want from me?
Eddy is Eddy. Kidman is not Eddy. Kidman is better than Edge. Eddy is not wrestling Edge. Eddy is wrestling Kidman. Eddy wrestling Kidman should be better than Eddy wrestling Edge. Eddy is better than Juventud. Eddy wrestling Kidman should be better than Kidman wrestling Juventud. HEY WAIT! Eddy IS wrestling Edge. This fucks my whole thing up!
Dean - you rule! I agree, great show tonight.
Yo, it's me, it's me, it's (points to self) P-A-B!
At first, I thought last week's joining of Angle and Heyman was a misstep, since they're both such strong talkers and there is no need to use Heyman's interviews to elevate Angle, but with the addition of "Team Angle" and Big Show as an anchor to the group, it's a pretty strong heel stable, and hopefully the lesser lights will get elevated thanks to Angle and Heyman.
Angle comes out and is the biggest asshole on earth and deep in your heart you know that I love this. God, I can`t figure out which part I liked the best. Probably the ``WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!`` part. THEN! THEN Heyman brings out TEAM ANGLE. Team Angle is absolutely GREAT- it is sooooooo Team Piper 2002. I love it. Hey, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin. I`m stoked. God, this is fucking brilliant. Can Horshu be far behind? I`m definately stoked.
I can only pray that if/when Vince kills the brand extension that he comes to his senses and revolves the whole fucking promotion around Angle and Brock. Angle (besides Eddy) has that heel heat that midcarders can only dream of and Brock is such a bump machine that it recalls fond memories of when good heel HHH fought the bump-o-matic face Rock and whipped out a new move every PPV and we all didn't care that they fought for like 9 months straight. I KNOW they can do the same with Lesnar and Angle. I know it!
So, does next week's wedding with MF'er Al and Dawn automatically get a "WHAT WORKED" tag? Is there any way that the almighty Dean could frown upon this unholy union? And what will the wedding hold? Will the singers be there, belting out some bad song again?
For some reason, I can't wait for the wedding!
The call is from heroism, will you accept the charges?
I was late due to hitting the post-holiday rush at the mall, so all I missed was the Bill DeMott match, the first Al Wilson clip, and the Matt Hardy interview. But I know I can always count on Dean to find the love, especially when Al Wilson is involved (I swear, Dean is what makes this whole storyline worthwhile).
I've gotta disagree on the Los Guerreros vs. Too White, though. That stuff had me rolling, because it's EDDY. SHAME ON YOU, DEAN RASMUSSEN, FOR DARING TO PUT EDDY IN THE DIDN'T WORK PILE! Never let it happen again! If you'd like, you can put the DeMott match in there twice. Or the fact that Albert has still seemingly forgotten the (very good) reason he used to wear a shirt and long pants. But not Eddy!
Originally posted by TorchslasherSo, does next week's wedding with MF'er Al and Dawn automatically get a "WHAT WORKED" tag? Is there any way that the almighty Dean could frown upon this unholy union? And what will the wedding hold? Will the singers be there, belting out some bad song again?
For some reason, I can't wait for the wedding!
We know that it will end up in some sort of ordeal. But a part of me hopes for a clean finish. At least the part in me that knows one day I too will be on a diet of Viagra and Vitiman E. And if Al Wilson can complete the transaction with Dawn Marie, than hope lives for all.
Well, on Raw we had a contract signing *and* an arm wrestling competition both occur with no violence, so who's to say they might not go through with a wedding angle as well? Then the week after, they might do a reception and not have anything thrown through the cake! All of these broken cardinal rules of wrestling might even lead to Chris Benoit winning the title at Royal Rumble!
Originally posted by InVerseWell, on Raw we had a contract signing *and* an arm wrestling competition both occur with no violence, so who's to say they might not go through with a wedding angle as well? Then the week after, they might do a reception and not have anything thrown through the cake! All of these broken cardinal rules of wrestling might even lead to Chris Benoit winning the title at Royal Rumble!
DR: Somebody would have to be presented a trophy that doesn't get broken and the Girl Scouts would have to give someone a cake and not have it destroyed.
Prediction: Why they chose to run the wedding on a LIVE SmackDown! instead of having the chance to fix it in post will probably later be seen as one of the great mysteries of the short history of the show. If it makes the Worked side of the ledger, it *won't* be because it was any good, but because of the particular WAY it was BAD.
Also, I predict one of Tazz and Cole will say "Look at Dawn!" which will immediately be followed by the other of Tazz and Cole saying "Look at Al!"
Also, I predict when the segment is done, it will neither increase nor decrease my desire to purchase the Royal Rumble spectacular, ONLY available on pay-per-view 19 January!
A little before 3PM, I was flipping the dial as I kept one eye on the NCAA stuff and waited for a Law & Order rerun to start, and when I hit Fox Sports Net (New York), there's Kevin Nash arguing with Dusty Rhodes.