It seems that UPN 65 Richmond is broadcasting this week so I can do a beloved and cherished Workrate Report. Revel in the glory of a man in his mid-30s killing two hours watching the US Professional Wrestling- a wad of Professional Wrestling that has been delivering the motherfucking goods for a pretty consistent number of Thursdays. I got last weeks Smackdown highlights in the mails from my main homey, Phil motherfuckin Schneider and I will bask in the wrestletastic WWE product of last weeks Smackdown and the last PPV as soon as I get home from work tomorrow. But enough of me, let's see what was bringing good and the pee-you this week.
WHAT WORKED- - Eddy and Chavo vs Mark Henry and Rikishi has Eddy motherfucking Guerrerro in it and you and I both motherfucking love that. Yes we do. Eddy and Chavo play the little fella card and THEY CHEAT LIKE MOTHERFUCKERS! and you can barely contain yourself. Eddy avoids Rikishi's giant spewing poo cannon early and Mark Henry tags in and- c'mon- it's Mark Henry, but he was perfectly fine taking the Guerrerro ass-stomp, selling the leg for a second there. Eddy hits the vicious dropkick to the knee and Chavo and Eddy should get the belts. They rule. I fucking love the Tag Tourney idea and Rikishi and Henry being a tagteam is one of those cool things you can do in a tag tourney. Henry takes the chair like a fucking KING and Eddy makes with the INVERTED CATTLE MUTILATION~!~! and you party and freak at the love. The Love of the Professional Wrestling. At the evil. At the purity of the heelishness. At the Old School as a motherfucking UN FOULE~! rudoing of Eddy. At the Pure Old School stinking sweaty hateful EVIL that Eddy brings to the ring. EDDY motherfucking GUERRERRO IS YOUR ONE TRUE WRESTLING GOD. YOU MAY NOT ACCEPT THIS IN YOUR MIND, BUT- DEEP IN YOUR HEART- YOU KNOW IT IS TRUE. Hell fucking yeah, Daddy. Fuck yeah, motherfucker.
- The Billy and Chuck Aren't Gay And Are Packin Wood For Torrie Segment was going to suck until Dawn Marie decided to FUCK TORRRIE'S DAD! FUCK YEAH! Torrie's dad was probably a veteran or something. Hook an old man up wid summa dat! That's how you do a face turn. And Matt Hardy is great as the oblivious cretin.
- Matt Hardy fucking rules it. Undertaker's punches suck. The legdrop off the apron was really nice though. Matt bumps like a fucking PSYCHO for UT and that's about all you can ask for to make the lump called UT look presentable. Taker no-sells beer. It becomes less fun when it gets away from the crowd and rambles to the backstage area- you go from the energy of the crowd to the sterile backstage. THEN Brock Lesnar decides that noone is allowed to ever outbump him and then MATT WINS MATT WINS MATT WINS! Then Brock breaks Undertaker's hand and UT sells it like Eric Idle selling the Griswolds' similar continuous comical attacks throughout National Lampoon's European Vacation. I await Brock accidentally handing UT a really hot pan of cupcakes or something. Matt and some other non-Undertaker wrestler should have an actual brawl-based fued because Matt bumping through the crowd is MAGIC.
- Jamie Noble is your Peckerwood Jesus and Nidia REALLY needs to have one small braid with a feather in it amidst her crimped locks. She should also get one of those brown floppy suede hats. Noble as Redneck Benoit vs Crash as Wacky Benoit is fun in the ring, if a bit pedestrian on this night. The counter out of the Styles Clash was nice. I dunno. Noble on the stick would have been nice too.
- Kurt Angle isn't wanting to fuck any guys in their asses tonight, which is upsetting in one aspect. Angle being a serious bad-ass to Edge is a step in the right direction in a far more important, less funny aspect. Sucker punches rule.
- Edge thanks his Norse Canadian Gods that he can go straight from a white hot fued with superWrestling God Eddy Guerrerro to a mini-fued with Olympic Pro Wrestling Messiah Kurt Angle. "Verily I thank thee, oh GREAT ONTARION! Creator Of Poutine, Curling And April Wine!" he was overheard praying before the match with Angle. The match is all Old School with armdrags leading up to armbars- like any good Steamboat match. Angle works out of the armbar and Edge cuts him off. It looked they were going to go BROADWAY! Edge hits the superweak spin kick and goes back to the arm. Angle says, "I WILL TAKE THIS TO A ANGLE-LIKE LEVEL!" and takes the shoulder to the post. Angle hits the WHOMP ASS counter by throwing Edge over the toprope. Edge gets the sporadic offense but Angle's offense is WAAAAAAY more fun that Edge's so it's better when Angle cuts him off. The body of this match is basically a Puerto Rican Pro Style match- in that it was pure 1970s Pro Style. Slow build to big bumps, punching to transition and selling and psychology being valued above all. All you have to do is replace the Puerto Rican Big Match Bucket Of Blood with Angle's gigantic arsenal of suplexes and you stick the first part of this match in Roberto Clemente stadium. Edge hits a nice Belly-to-Belly and it is the punching to the first big nearfall. The Suplex into the ref bump was nice. The ending was straight out of 1985 so how could I hate that? Actually, I would have liked a double count out instead of the lame double pinfall. It's a CRAZY REF! CRAZY REF!!! WHERE IS DANNY DAVIS!?!? Uh-oh... HEY! It's ain't over. God, Edge will DIE for your pleasure, even if just in replay. JESUS! Angle will die for your pleasure for no apparent reason. The bump to the floor and the Spear off the apron to the rail was fucking SWANK. Edge sells the ribs like a king after sprawling to the floor after going off the top. Then they bludgeon each other, with Angle hitting the beautiful German's before Benoit shows up. Angle goes the fucking extra mile by bumping big on the Ankle lock counter. The second ending was even goofier then the first ending, but what a fucking great match. Benoit makes the Popeye face and your heart is warm. Jesus, that was 25 minutes long. Jiminy, Smackdown fucking rocks tonight.
- Stephanie making Kurt Angle and Benoit PARAJAS INCREDIBLAS is fun fun fun booking. HOLY SHIT! Chavo and Eddy vs Angle/Benoit would make for really really really great wrestling. You would watch. I would watch. Matt is clueless as a motherfucker and Brock is baffled by Matt's intensity and self-assured mattitude. Brock fears Matt's feckless ease and unaffected confidence. Brock is self-conscious, uneasy around women, easily led by sexually questionable managers. It's a super psychosexual match-up that is soooooooo right up Heyman's booking alley. Hey, Brock vs Matt falls count anywhere would fucking rule. It would be that match we conjectured about earlier.
- Chuck and Billy as ungay faces is so not nearly as cool as gay heels. Farooq is a weird guest partner. I thought Farooq was Pro-Masturbation!!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!? My world of frosty guiltfree lummox bludgeoning comes to a hideous halt! I am sudenly filled with shame! GODDAM YOU RON SIMMONS! GODDAMN YOU TO HELL! Chuck fucking rules though. I guess I'll have to settle for more wrestlin tapes since I cannot enjoy the sweet love that a man can supply himself when he is alone in his tender hours and the ladies of Worldsex.com are summoning him with it's bevy of beautiful skanky women... The match is kinda rambling but perfectly fine. Not enough to make up for my hours of pleasure while one disgraces himself in splumpy, splurty guilt-free self-emblindenment. Oh fuck you Ron Simmons. You let us all down....
- Al Wilson looks like Mike Martz, the coach of the St Louis Rams and to think of Mike Martz' mounting face is far too much for a normal human being to bear. But thinking about some guy who looks kinda like Mike Martz's mounting face is kinda alluring, wouldn't you say? YOU GO AL! MOUNT HER! MOUNT HER WITH YOUR WISE AND STEADY LOVIN'! SHOW HER THE STAYING POWER OF THE OLDER MAN! SHOW HER THE PROWESS OF THE LOVE GENERAL, WORKING HER HOOTENANNY LIKE A SEXUAL LOVE SURGEON!! U R A MACHINE! WOO-HOO! You go, our Elder Splatastic Role-Model! The actual bikini contest sucked. I mean Worldsex.com is RIGHT THERE. It's- you know, ACTUAL FREE PORNO. Tazz blowing a lump o' tazzseed into his double breasted suit was far more interesting that the leathery young ladies in the ring. Torrie takes a half-naked bump. They should wrestle. Dawn Marie made the DVDVR Joshi 100 a year ago. She can punch if I remember correctly. But we all also smoke bails of weed when getting to the last fifteen spots. Dude, you can't hold us to that.... hey, you got any Allman Brothers around here, man. Eat A Peach, Brothers and Sisters... Working Man's Dead, maybe?
- BENOIT WRESTLES REY MISTERIO! Benoit beats the living dogshit out of Rey Rey and Rey Rey counters by going super lucha on the Crippler and Benoit flashes back to Villano 3 schooling him on lucha lessons of his youth. Tazz almost calls the Dandino- which I give a thousand stars for effort. Benoit cuts off Rey Rey with a gnarley rib-breaker and starts re-beating the living dogshit out of Rey Rey. Rey Rey eats Benoit's offense like a fucking KING. They go into a junior heavyweight knucklelock section and Benoit luckily takes it back to heavyweight ass-beating and the Benoit that I love is back. They fiddle around with more knucklelock stuff until Benoit CRUSHES Rey with a German. Rey is such a great Face Being Beaten To Death and his offense on his comeback is credible because of it's whacky inventiveness. Benoit leans into the dropkick to the face in the corner LIKE HE IS CHRIS MOTHERFUCKING BENOIT and we go into the nearfalls. Benoit counters the MORTAL Dropkick and hits the Amazingly Stupid Toprope Headbutt. Rey kicks out for some reason. We all wait for Kurt Angle to ruin it for Benoit and the Benoit vs Angle postmatch hatefest is even funner than the Rey Rey match. Benoit and Angle are SOLID GOLD. I am filled with love. Fit Finlay is in the final shot to make my love of this weeks Smackdown even deeper.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK- - Jesus, I hate the opening thing where they edit and edit and edit until it's really annoying. Something has to go down here. Here ya go.
Damn, I don't know how to add anything to what Dean said, but I thought the Angle vs. Edge match was stellar. Did the combined match (not including the ref going psycho) really last 25 minutes? I didn't notice how long it was because my eyes were glued to the TV. I can't remember the last time a one on one TV match went that long. Anyone care to fill us in?
Smackdown is getting Tag Team titles just like several people on the boards here predicted, so congrats to those of who who called it.
Note to WWE, please get Matt version 1.0 into a feud with someone other than Taker or Brock NOW. He is doing fine work in the ring right now, and his Mattitude promos are winning me over. Please don't destroy his current push by having him squashed repeatedly by Brock, although that is what I forsee happening before No Mercy.
I think Matt vs John Cena would be a good fit, but where is Cena? Is he hurt, or just taking a break this week?
From a fashion standpoint, I really really liked Rey's burgundy ensemble. Sometimes his pants and mask don't really match, but this time they did and he looked great. The match itself was pretty darn good, though after watching the Angle/Edge match, it was bound to be a bit of a letdown.
What didn't work:
Why is Smackdown giving us bikini contests? I thought the whole point was that the two shows are different. I can easily belive that the lecherous Easy E will book TnA matches and HLA etc every week. But Stephanie doesn't have to respond in kind, just give us another crusierweight match instead or something.
Smackdown has better matches and better flow. Don't bother us with 2 minutes of one Diva getting mad and hitting the other. Or if you do, at least have her FUCKING DAD come out and check if she is ok. Can you seriously tell me that her father isn't going to come out to her rescue? Sad.
Originally posted by HitTheSnoozeButtonBut Dean, wasn't there anything KING-SIZED in tonight's show?
---- DR: I was too distracted about the concept of Great Ontarion, the Norse God Of Canada as a future annoying recurring character to the beloved Workrate Reports to notice how KING-SIZED things were. Many things were KING-SIZED this fine Smackdown evening though. Al Wilson, middle-aged Playa was completely KING-SIZED.
Middle-aged? That does it - we really aren't watching the same show.
Edge/Angle was fun. Rey/Benoit was predictable and should have happened 5 years ago to mix in with all the fun Eddy/Benoit & Eddy/Rey matches that were going on back then. The rest, I didn't watch, though I now wish I'd caught the ladder match last week. Has SD! been so "send the fans home happy"-ish with all its mains lately?
Wait wait wait - *you* go on mIRC, in front of those of us who kept logs on no less, and pour out your embarrassing life details regarding girls who resemble high school softball catchers, but *I* have to pay for it?
"Does this make logic?" -- Konnan
The Ganc would have a good laugh about that one, I bet.
And yes, it is just wrestling...which is something you should keep in mind the next time you decide to stir up some shit and bring tepid little flames because people don't agree with you. "Next time, you come in heavy or not at all" - is that the quote from The Sopranos I'm thinking of? Or is it a moot point?
I think that's more of a comment of how Edge used to say stuff like 'soda rules!'
Habs: 6-1-0-0. Lost to the Mapleleafs (ARG!). Renegades: Last place. All you need to know. Man of the Week: Jose Theodore hasn't lost a step. Goat of the Week: CBC for not signing Ron MacLean right away. Next VG Review: Chorno Cross. Next OSVG Review: Mike Tyson's Punchout
SUCKER PUNCHES RULE! The SmarKdown Rant - October 3 2002 Posted By Scott Keith on 10.03.02 (from 411wrestling.com)
Just curious as to who reads who.
But the real question is:
Do we care?
These commercials are superfine because they pay for the production costs of putting CHRIS MOTHERFUCKING BENOIT on my GODDAMN TV SCREEN! I will GO GREYHOUND! I am thinking OUTSIDE THE BUN! – Dean Rasmussen 8/1/2002 Smackdown Workrate Report