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30.10.14 0730
The W - Pro Wrestling - your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 1/9/2003!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1298 days
Last activity: 1295 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85


This week, I will concentrate on the sexual undertones of every match and grade in the same manner. Ohhhhh swwweeeet mystery of liiiife I finallly found YOUUUUUUUUU......

What Worked-
- Cena is a pseudo sexual dynamo as he and his bitch B2 hit the ring, but the sheer sexuality of Eddy is beyond the realm of understanding of the pretense of sexualtiy that Cena fronts. The grace and power and commandeering style of Eddy doesn`t rub off on Chavo too much. Whereas Eddy is smooth and artistic, Chavo is the quintessential second son- quieter, introspective, less flamboyant as his famous uncle. He makes up for it with intensity and technique. Eddy does a weird face-turn as he beats on B2 and Chavo hits a pescado. Cena and B2 are implanted Hooters girls compared to the Old World sophistication and natural sexual prowess of the Guerrerros. Cole uses the word ``damn`` incorrectly again. CENA fakes a finish and Chavo is frustrated but there is nothing he can do about.

- Al Wilson and Dawn Marie have a montage- a Precious Memories video package of my RAGE AT NOT HAVING A BUCK ASS NAKED AL WILSON UNLEASHING HIS HEAPING HELPING OF FRUIT BOWL UPON THE WORLD. Then they get to the honeymoon video and it dies on the vine when it`s just Dawn Marie swishing he round hinder around in her silk underwear. The build-up for the Mounting Suit that Al Wilson is wearing while he is wearing out Dawn Marie is the ONLY THING we Macks-In-Training can possibly give a fuck about. I`m guessing silk thong with a paisley print, a cigar, black wool socks and Mr Wrestling 2 mask. We await Al to enter our houses via our TV screens any moment now.

- Matt Hardy wrestles that worthless hated fuck, Billy Kidman. HA! Let`s see if Kidman can use his meager skills to make me love him again. Matt`s forearm shots are fucking great. Matt`s execution is fucking great- especially countering out of Kidman`s first Sleeper ever. Kidman hits a nice flying elbow and then Matt starts leaning into all his shittier offense to make it look better and then Shannon and Matt bump big to the floor and then Kidman hits the superfun toprope SSP. Then it gets into trading one offensive move each until they head to the finish. Matt tries too much stuff with the aid of his young teenage boy protegee and Kidman shoots his wad and leaves Matt high and dry. Matt, frustrated, turns to a discipline his young friend and mixes his urge to hurt with his overwhelming urge to love the young Shannon Moore. MFers the world over weep at the gentle touching and loving hugging. Kidman did not work his way back into my world of love even with the SSP off the top. I usually don`t give a young man two chances, so he best start getting it in gear before I lose interest in him completely. And why is a cruiserweight champion beating all these heavyweights? That`s just stupid booking.

- Josh interviews Torrie and we are still not giving a shit until Al gets on screen. Josh tries to turn this into the Cinderella story but fuck all that- this is all about Al, not his supporting players. Torrrie talks about sticking a glass slipper in Dawn`s tinier areas. At least none of these people are BULLYS!

- Jamie Noble and Tajiri have a wrestling match. Noble works on the arm then they do a lotta roll-ups. Nidia and Noble are a sexual powderkeg and they piss it away. The set-up to the Trailer Hitch was fun. The finish was kinda goofy and clumsy.

- Charlie Haas comes out with YOUR Team Angle and we are all giddy. Edge comes out alone and that doesn`t bode well. OH WAIT! Benoit comes out and suddenly this is even funner. Haas goes for the arm early and then the do some counters and then they do lots of things to accomodate Edge`s crappier offensive moves. Haas does lots and lots of suplexes and I`m loving this pseudo-Varsity Club `02 gimmick. Edge hits the Vertical Suplex and the 1987ishness of this match is fabulous. Edge hits the Released Belly To Belly and then Edge reverts back to his shitty offensive staples to make this match far less fun than it was. Then hijinx ensues and a crutch to the back leads to Haas`s Modified Jackhammer for the win. The three-on-one wears Edge out- as you could imagine. Benoit gets on the stick and gives Angle the business. Benoit wants Angle`s young bitch tonight and will get Angle`s full magilla at the Royal Rumble.

- Benjamin and Benoit go at it. Benoit is awesome being all nifty on the mat. Then Benoit kicks him in the balls and starts beating the fuck out of him. Benjamin takes it to the streets and goes on offense with the Fabulous Belly to Back Suplex `88. The Butterfly Suplex was even neater and this is a fun match- even more fun than the Edge- Haas match. Benjamin with the Northern Lights and the backslide and it`s time for Benoit to cut him off and kill him. The crowd pops for the Locomotion German Suplex and the diving headbutt and the Crippler Crossface and then ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Angle is fucking AWESOME going completely insane with his crutch. Angle is such a fucking great heel. There is nothing I can say to do him justice. The Watts-ian finish with Team Angle grabbing Benoit`s wrist and making him tap is FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Team Angle is motherfucking awesome is concept and in execution. Benoit needs to be left in a pool of his own blood for it to be completely on the Bill Watts Tip but it was really close enough.

- Al is sweating it as his stone cold hoochie ain`t letting him sleep. Plus he knows how sex in the shower can be dangerous with the lack of proper lubrication.

- Matt announcing is great. The match is down yonder. Matt is great talking about how he is helping Shannon become a better MFer as he goes deeply into the ultimatewarrior.com realm of fucking great great weirdness. ``Come on, Shannon. Mattitude will lead you to victory.`` Shannon is great yelling, ``I TRIED MY HARDEST!`` and then Matt takes the young man into the bittersweet embrace of his Twist of Fate as Shannon learns that defeat is a cruel mistress. Tough love indeed.

- Cena and B2 get jumped and the rudo ass stomp kicks in. Eddy is Eddy. Eddy can`t do anything about B2s shitty punches. Eddy is better than Lyger. Eddy is better than El hijo del Santo. Eddy can`t do anything about how shitty B2`s kicks are. Eddy is better than Misawa and Kawada and Akiyama. Eddy can`t keep B2 from doing his ASTOUNDINGLY shitty lariat. Eddy is Eddy so he does sell it all to make as much of B2`s offense look far less stinky than it usually would. Half way through, Eddy goes into Fit Finlay Versus Shmoe mode and opts to just completely wrestle for two. If he would have actually jumped up into a bodyslam and body slammed himself, I would give him the full Finlay Carry Job point. Eddy appreciated the effort by B2, but- by the end- he had to use his masterful hand to get them both to a satisfactory finish.

- Al is the Mack is DEAD! It would have been more accurate if he died in the saddle but it is the WWE and they suck.

- A-Train speaks! He talks like he goes to lots of Rennaissance Festivals. Big Show is excited about the vieled threats hurled his way from A-Train because he has always wanted to be in the NUMBER ONE absolutely DIRT WORST fued in the entire history of wrestling. A-Train gets killed by Brock and we all go to bed happy. Brock sells a bunch for his lumbering hairy compadre and they have a good little match. Lesnar`s series of suplexes were mighty impressive, as was the F-5. A-Train was perfectly fine being a large bag of meat for Lesnar to throw around. A-Train is A-Train. A-Train is better than Kidman. I like A-Train more than I like Kidman. A-Train is Albert. Albert isn`t Kidman.

What Didn`t Work-
- There was no real sexual tension in the Big Show vs Rikishi match. It was kinda slow and plodding- as Big Slow is like that red neck white girl you dated in your youth who wouldn`t partake of oral sex or move at all when you tried to express your love through humpy, sweaty frantic undulations of your young tender loinic regions. Or he is that big fat boyfriend you had in college who would run out of steam two minutes into sex and thus would never get a rhythm going enough to get you to the promise land and THEN was too much of a useless macho asshole to lay his back and let you get there. Plus you got only the Big Show`s theme once at the end and you couldn`t really hear it and that`s the only thing you want from that useless sack of shit.

- Bill Demott. God, he really sucks dick.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.





YES, I AM DEAN.
Promote this thread!
The Great Thomas
Sujuk








Since: 17.6.02
From: Miami, Florida

Since last post: 3383 days
Last activity: 3383 days
#2 Posted on
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    Al is the Mack is DEAD! It would have been more accurate if he died in the saddle
Too bad. It woulda been better if he went out that way.

Oh, and if ya wanna prove that Eddie is better than Hijo del Santo, then have him do a hundred thousand movies as well!

(edited by The Great Thomas on 9.1.03 1919)


TIP: Do not eat rice that has been laying on the ground.

BigDaddyLoco
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 11 hours
Last activity: 11 hours
#3 Posted on

    - Al is sweating it as his stone cold hoochie ain`t letting him sleep. Plus he knows how sex in the shower can be dangerous with the lack of proper lubrication.


HA! Surely a grizzled vet like Al knows this by now.



    - A-Train speaks! He talks like he goes to lots of Rennaissance Festivals. Big Show is excited about the vieled threats hurled his way from A-Train because he has always wanted to be in the NUMBER ONE absolutely DIRT WORST fued in the entire history of wrestling. A-Train gets killed by Brock and we all go to bed happy. Brock sells a bunch for his lumbering hairy compadre and they have a good little match. Lesnar`s series of suplexes were mighty impressive, as was the F-5. A-Train was perfectly fine being a large bag of meat for Lesnar to throw around. A-Train is A-Train. A-Train is better than Kidman. I like A-Train more than I like Kidman. A-Train is Albert. Albert isn`t Kidman.


A-Train should have wrestled in the 80's as he would have made a fine Russian.





HrdCoreJoe
Potato korv








Since: 29.4.02
From: Jax, FL

Since last post: 1065 days
Last activity: 1064 days
AIM:  
#4 Posted on
"A-Train is A-Train. A-Train is better than Kidman. I like A-Train more than I like Kidman. A-Train is Albert. Albert isn`t Kidman."

I look forward to these comparisons every week, but this one just made me crap my pants laughing. Poor Kidman is slipping furthur and furthur into the depths of hell. I honestly never thought I'd ever hear any single human on Earth proclaim more love for Albert than Kidman, but eh, what are you gonna do, right? He really did lose all his power when he lost the wife beater and jean shorts.




Treasure Planet ruled all kinds of ass. And yes, I do work for Disney but its good anyhoo.
Matthias
Loukanika








Since: 9.1.02
From: Westchester, NY

Since last post: 4153 days
Last activity: 4133 days
AIM:  
#5 Posted on

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN


    A-Train speaks! He talks like he goes to lots of Rennaissance Festivals.




The mental image of A-Train holding a leather mug, wearing the big wooly viking vest with the requisite horned helmet RULES MY ENTIRE WORLD. Thank you. If he yells "Huzzah!" during the next YEAR, my head will explode from delight.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1298 days
Last activity: 1295 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
I was going to go farther into Albert the Kinde and Gentle Squire of the Realm but then the thought of Albert in tights and a puffy shirt made me really scared.

DEAN.

(edited by DEAN RASMUSSEN on 9.1.03 2339)


YES, I AM DEAN.
emma
Cherries > Peaches








Since: 1.8.02
From: Phoenix-ish

Since last post: 43 days
Last activity: 4 days
#7 Posted on

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN


    This week, I will concentrate on the sexual undertones of every match and grade in the same manner. Ohhhhh swwweeeet mystery of liiiife I finallly found YOUUUUUUUUU......

OH GOOD GOD DEAN IS CHANNELLING MADELINE KAHN!!!!

How can we review the sexual undertones, & not make mention of John Cena's precious little doggie collar?!? I want to know where I can get one of those for my little pet ... uh, doggie.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1298 days
Last activity: 1295 days
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
That's more of an OVERTONE. Right? RIGHT?!?!

DEAN.



YES, I AM DEAN.
tasslex
Salami








Since: 15.10.02
From: Eagan, MN

Since last post: 3670 days
Last activity: 3627 days
#9 Posted on
DEAN. You're the man. But why the Kidman hatred? The GF and I were both impressed by his outing tonight, the crowd even seemed to be interested.
dMp
Banger








Since: 4.1.02
From: The Hague, Netherlands (Europe)

Since last post: 4 hours
Last activity: 40 min.
#10 Posted on
- Al is the Mack is DEAD! It would have been more accurate if he died in the saddle but it is the WWE and they suck.

Dean, please explain..how come AL is dead and not Dawn Marie as we all believe she would be. My world just fell apart..



Downtown Bookie
Morcilla








Since: 7.4.02
From: The Inner City, Now Living In The Country

Since last post: 141 days
Last activity: 35 days
#11 Posted on

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    Matt`s execution is fucking great- especially countering out of Kidman`s first Sleeper ever.


Ah, the first Sleeper. The wrestling equivalent of the first gray hair; the first tangible sign that we're not as young as we once were; the beginning of what will be a growing mount of evidence that we can no longer do the things we once could, and that inevitably mortality is going to have its way with us and make each of us its bitch. Yes, it is only Billy Kidman, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I shed a tear.



Patiently waiting to be Stratusfied.
Mr Shh
Toulouse








Since: 9.1.02
From: Bergen County, NJ

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 1 day
#12 Posted on

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    And why is a cruiserweight champion beating all these heavyweights? That`s just stupid booking.


Strange theory I know, but...maybe they're building up to a Kidman-Mysterio match at Mania. If that's the case, it just goes to show you how far below Kidman is on the ladder than Mysterio, when you have to *build a champion UP* so that the challenger doesn't completely overshadow him.
Mandark
Linguica








Since: 20.9.02

Since last post: 4108 days
Last activity: 4103 days
#13 Posted on

Cole uses the word ``damn`` incorrectly again.

Michael Cole always reminds me of Spock in Star Trek IV, when he was swearing to try to fit in with San Francisco in the 1980's. "I was trying the hell to communicate."
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1298 days
Last activity: 1295 days
#14 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
Micheal cole reminds me of my mom trying to cus. So it's kinda adorable.

DEAN.



YES, I AM DEAN.
redsoxnation
Scrapple








Since: 24.7.02

Since last post: 486 days
Last activity: 486 days
#15 Posted on
Did anyone else think initially that the Mattitude fact from the announce position was Michael Cole is Bi, instead of Michael Cole is biased? I was starting to wonder if perhaps the Chuckabilly gravy boat was redirected to Mr. Cole.



Please help control the McMahon population. Have your Triple H's spayed or neutered.
DrOp
Frankfurter








Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 2241 days
Last activity: 1108 days
#16 Posted on
DEAN said:

    The build-up for the Mounting Suit that Al Wilson is wearing while he is wearing out Dawn Marie is the ONLY THING we Macks-In-Training can possibly give a fuck about. I`m guessing silk thong with a paisley print, a cigar, black wool socks and Mr Wrestling 2 mask. We await Al to enter our houses via our TV screens any moment now.




Given that sentence, your avatar and that biceps pose you posted a while back, I'm *really* fearful of how you got to "cut three cords."

And I won't even fathom PieMan. Yikes!

DrOp--Hoping you get to sing along next week.

(edited by DrOp on 10.1.03 1953)



...And Marking Out
Slashwrestling.com
Wienerville
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1298 days
Last activity: 1295 days
#17 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
I have probably never worn a paisley thong.

DEAN.



YES, I AM DEAN.
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It seems that IMDB is reporting that Rena Mero aka Sable has a movie coming out in 2004. The movie is called BOMBSHELL. Its based on a comic book. Now maybe its just me, but she returns as she has a new movie set to come out, seems a little odd.
- y4j1981, Sable note (2003)
Related threads: The Great Thomas SmackDown! Report 1/9/02 - *SPOILERS* Smackdown Taping 1/7 - Smackdown was horrible - More...
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