Hey! It`s wedding night. The WWE has a way of making me turn on their angles by fucking up the wedding- if you recall how appalled I was by the chickenshit way they pussed out of Chuck and Billy having a Holy Union. I`m trying to imagine what they will have to do to make me turn on my role-model- the East Coast Spunk Supplier, Al Wilson. We`ll see my rage or delight build so gear up and experience the life or death of a very drawn out angle. Lemme grab a beer.
WHAT WORKED- - Kidman. First you can`t powerbomb him, now you can`t escape his most brutal submission hold- the Rich Little Driver 91! Taz sells it more than he ever sold for anyone in ECW. Tory looks charmed. Could a romance be far off? RAW IS WAR. SMACKDOWN IS LOVE. Funaki should have a new segment where he has one of those elementary school slambooks where every wrestler and valet can anonymously write who they think is a fox or a stud. A-Train`s mounting face is right around the corner. REVEL IN IT.
- The set-up of Benoit and Lesnar getting together is fucking great. It could be over anything really because it will be such a fun tagteam. The fact that it`s against Team Angle means it`s already more than anything. Angle does the Arn/Dory Marquee Says Wrestling intro then he busts on Benoit`s Canadianness. Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin have that look like their chests are going to be ripped into hamburger in less than an hour and half.
- The Al Wilson Montage Of Semen-Spewing brought a tear to my eye. They show the poky, proddy, pouty kiss from last week and we all felt the love, the beauty, the sweating, the woody....
- Dawn Marie has Pat Benatar hair circa ``Shadows Of The Night`` and maybe I will toast a load in honor of the Mack Al Wilson bride`s 80`s hairstyle. NUDE WEDDING! HELL YEAH! I can only hope that Al will wear nothing but a Piggly Wiggly cockring in honor of the building where they are being wed. Al is 61, so maybe a Mannix cockring would be the style of the day. That would rule. Stephanie puts the Kibosh on the nude wedding and now I just HATE her. I mean keep a dress on Dawn Marie, but you gotta let Al show the world that if you want the bull, you get the horns, motherfucker.
- The wedding montage of the seduction Torrie by Dawn Marie makes me remember that all of it takes place in front a print of painting of the American flag by Jasper Johns. Yes. Yes it was. Anyway, Al is wearing the mackiness leisure suit and there isn`t a dry seat in the house. I await Al to drop the threads and unleash the Beast Underneath! Dawn Marie is even more Benatar-like by this point, so you know Al is gonna tear that shit up later tonight. Eric Bishoff is going for a young look this time as the preacher. Dawn Marie takes off her dress but doesn`t go completely starkers. Then she says that Al will take it off. Al gears up to whip out the full extension of his junk and Dawn gets him down to his tighty whiteys. Al does his ``Get Ready For My Throbbing Beefdart, motherfuckers`` dance and we are all blowing the roof off the Torquedness Meter. BUT THEN- right at the moment of truth, the moment we have waited four months to see- the WWE PUSSES OUT AND DOESN`T SHOW US NAKED AL WILSON! WHAT THE FUCK! FUCK! FUCKING FUCK! FUCKING FUCKING FUCK! FUCK YOU WWE! FUCK YOU TO HELL! What a fucking rip off. At least they went through with the marriage. The only way they can make up for this is to show us a honeymoon video that comes half as close to recreating the Tonya Harding honeymoon video. 3/4 of the way. They didn`t even tell us what kind of cockring Al was wearing. Fucking pussies.
- Hey! It`s Edge and not Brock Lesnar. Maybe Heyman isn`t in the zone with this. Why did Benoit pick Edge? Edge does work stiffer than I`ve ever seen him- as i`m guessing he is torqued about tagging with Benoit and wants to hold up his stiffness end of the match. Pretty soon, Edge settles into his usual tag role- heatgarnering face in peril. Team Angle has the fun Midnight Express tagteam moves and I`m falling in love already. Benoit is perfect as the Most AssStomping Robert Gibson Ever with the gnarley kick to the face to free Edge from the Benjamin submission. Benoit is fucking AWESOMe as face as house afire, beating the shit out of Team Angle. The Stereo Locomotion Germans is fun and they head to the nonfinish and I`m loving how they get Team Angle over while getting killed and how ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY Angle goes fucking batshit postmatch beating the shit out of the ring announcer. Angle is fucking awesome. I don`t mind Edge showing up as Benoit`s partner- but I thought they hated each other last time we saw them together. How about some kind of set-up or explanation? Either way. Fine little match.
- The Big Show`s theme is really great! ``Thaaaaaaa BIG SHOW! something something something- oh you`ll never know...`` He sucks as a wrestler. His match will be down yonder. Heyman goes completely flaming while talking the Big Show in the ring. ``Being so close to you makes me FEEL LIKE A MAN!`` ``Never backs down from a challenge`` ``noone can COMPARE physically.`` The rest sucked because it sets up a Big Show PPV match until Shannon Moore shows up and takes about the mildest bump I have ever seen him take- which means it would kill most men. The Big Show does his one bump. Lesnar is a blade freak and that rules.
- LIVE UPDATES OF THE HONEYMOON! Al is gearing up to stir the stinky stew with Dawn Marie in the limo and Funaki can`t handle the sexual explosiveness of the moment and feels dirty.
- Matt Hardy is getting so much closer to basically reciting tracts from ultimatewarrior.com and you are weeping with joy. Moments later, Matt bumps like a freak while blood spews out of the back of Lesnar`s head. Finally, Shannon injects himself and then lands all wrong to make up for the tame earlier bump. Brock bleeds and bleeds to make up for Matt Hardy getting killed. Matt`s prematch speech to Moore and the blood gets it up here and match doesn`t kill it. So that`s that.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK- - Cena vs Rikishi is approaching the uselessness of the Bautista vs D-Von fued from earlier. PIGGLY COLISEUM! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Of all the amazingly stupid, stupid corporate sponsorship names- that one is the stupidest. Rikishi smacks him early and Cena opts to bump HUGE over the top and into the steps. Rikishi hits a swanky Super Kick and this is as good as this could get at this point. B-2 cheats to TRANSITION! and right when one begins to give a shit about this match, they opt to just book and book and book and book this match to complete poop. The ending was horrendous and kills the okayness of the beginning. Rikishi has had ENOUGH! but it`s too late! He`s gotta get the... ah fuck it.
- Chuck vs Bill DeShitt is on and I am not excited. Demott is a bully! A BULLY! Chuck throws punches that are 100 times better than Demott and has a far more of a giant upside than shit-sucking Demott so- of course- you should bury Palumbo. The live crowd farts at this match like a crowd would fart at a any match involving the BULLY! Bill Demott. Chuck hits a fucking great lariat and hits a Belly to belly that smokes anything Demott could ever conjure. Can Of Crowd couldn`t make it to the live taping so the real crowd lets you know that nobody who likes wrestling could possibly give a shit about Demott. I`m with the live crowd on this one. God, he is a turd. Poor Chuck. The WWE can suck my dick.
- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO EDDY`S HAIR?!?!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! What, he got a court date? A job interveiw? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? THE FUCK!?!?! Eddy is Eddy. Eddy is better than Juventud. Kidman is Kidman. Kidman is better than Edge. Eddy and Kidman start having a match but then you realize that it is not a match but just an angle to set up a far shittier match. Rikishi comes out and I wonder how the tag champions got dragged into THIS shit. B-2 is Bull Buchanon. B-2 isn`t better than anyone. As we return to action, Eddy and Kidman are back. Kidman hits a thoroughly horrendous lariat but Eddy covers for it with his QUEBRADORA! They try a heatless chinlock and Kidman decides to bump big to set up Eddy back on offense. Eddy hits the giant Superplex after the second chinlock. Eddy misses the Frogsplash and Kidman follows up with a Powerbomb for two. Kidman counters out of second quebradora and hits the RYDEEN BOMB! Kidman does the shittiest reverse of the powerbomb spot in the history of that amazingly shitty spot. Then they make with screwjob and I can no longer care. God, Eddy is better than Juventud who dragged 4 star matches out of Kidman. Kidman is better than Edge- who Eddy dragged four stars out of. Why is this 1 1/2 star match showing up on my screen? I mean, this was dead before the shitty booking kicked in. Meh. I blame Kidman. I have turned on Kidman again. And the aging wrestling fan says, ``Get thee away from me, young shitty wrestler...``
- Nunzio and Crash Holly is perfectly fine time killer before the main event, I guess. Actually, this was nothing at all. They are killing the simple beauty of Noble and Nidia like this is WCW or something. It`s a shame.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
(edited by DEAN RASMUSSEN on 2.1.03 2220) YES, I AM DEAN.
Good gawd, all we need is another big stiff who can't work. I'll try a Dean. Brock is Brock. Brock is better then Nathan Jones. Brock is better then Batista. Brock is better then Big Show. Brock is better then Undertaker. Undertaker is better then Batista. Batista might be better then Big Show. But Nathan Jones is not even better then Batista so Big Show is better then Nathan Jones. Brock is in WWE. Nathan Jones is in WWE. Brock should not be in WWA. Nathan Jones should be in WWA.
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENTeam Angle has the fun Midnight Express tagteam moves and I`m falling in love already.
Ah yes, I also had visions of the Midnight Express on that double team move although, that move was only about a 3 on the Midnight Express double team scale of 1-10. But, to be fair, Team Angle is new so it's really not fair to compare them to the greatest tag team of all time. Maybe they can come up with a modern version of the Vege-Matic or the Double Goozle and then they can begin to dream of reaching the level of, as James E. Cornette would say, "Twin brothers from different mothers. Every fathers nightmare and every schoolgirl's dream, Beautiful Bobby Eaton and Loverboy Dennis Condrey/Sweet Stan Lane!"
Matt Hardy is getting so much closer to basically reciting tracts from ultimatewarrior.com and you are weeping with joy. Moments later, Matt bumps like a freak while blood spews out of the back of Lesnar`s head. Finally, Shannon injects himself and then lands all wrong to make up for the tame earlier bump. Brock bleeds and bleeds to make up for Matt Hardy getting killed. Matt`s prematch speech to Moore and the blood gets it up here and match doesn`t kill it. So that`s that.
Ohhh, you left out my favorite part of the match. I loved it when Brock wiped the blood off the back of his head, stared at his blood covered hand, and then paint brushed Matt leaving Brock's blood all over Matt's face. Yes, I'm a sick bastard but, I SOOO enjoy it!
CBS had two perfectly good episodes of CSI from last season, which gives me something to watch between the good matches (like you really expect me to sit down and watch crap like that wedding in its entirity just give me the wrestlers and I'm happy). The live Smackdown had two good matches and two watchable matches that served their purpose (Nunzio and Lesnar), the rest of the show I don't need to bother with.
Some thoughts of what I have seen:
They should hook Kidman up with the "White Boy Posse." Kidman desperately needs a personality and they might as well fit him in with the "Posse." Besides, with Kidman as part of the group they would have a perfectly good stable with Cena as the talker, Kidman as the wrestler, and B-2 as the muscle guy, all the ingredients you need for a wrestling stable. I guess the "Posse" is the group that's going to turn Los Guerroeros into faces by default before their inevitable match with Team Angle. Since outside of the "Smackdown 6" there are no real teams on Smackdown, te "Posse" fits the bill as a team and if Kidman is added, then they have instant wrestling credibility (someone on that team needs to hold their side of the match together).
Team Angle had a good introduction. Their team moves are nice but they need to work on their stamina. It will be interesting to see how they build them up before their run for the Tag Team Titles. I guess Edge's feud with Albert is over, now they need to find something for Edge to do. Good tag match between Team Angle and Edge and Benoit.
Crash vs. Nunzio should have been the opening match. This is the type of match that would get me stoked for the rest of the show. This match wasn't a blowaway match but it didn't make me fall asleep either like so many of the RAW opening matches. An opening match should be action packed and get you excited for the rest of the show. If Crash vs. Nunzio was the opening match it would have done just that. Why does Nidia hate Nunzio? It seems like the writers forgot about that little detail after building it up for weeks.
Brock destroyed Matt Hardy and MFer Shannon Moore. Now that's over with, find something for Matt to do. Maybe they could find a way to get him to feud with Rey Mysterio when he returns.
The rest of the show isn't worth commenting on. This could have been a better show. None of the matches blew me away and I more or less watched two entire episodes of CSI between the precious little good stuff on this edition of Smackdown.
Totally unrelated, but the Ultimo Guerrero vs Shocker title match on Sunday's CMLL show was the best wrestling match on television this week. The only thing that marred this match was the slow counts, by American standards, of the referree. Otherwise, very strong psychology.
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENI mean keep a dress on Dawn Marie, but you gotta let Al show the world that if you want the bull, you get the horns, motherfucker
GOLD! Just completely fucking gold! I cry for DEAN, I laugh for DEAN! I cy tears of happiness and joy at DEANS hilariously obsene comments. I would try to Use this comment in real life but alas DEAN is DEAN. Bubbles is not DEAN. Bubbles is Bubbles. DEAN is better than Bubbles. Bubbles will not steal DEANS jokes. Bubbles is not worthy.
- The Big Show`s theme is really great! ``Thaaaaaaa BIG SHOW! something something something- oh you`ll never know...`` He sucks as a wrestler.
For you DEAN~!:The Big Show Entrance Theme 'Big' Performed By - Jim Johnston Wellllll, well it's the Big Show Yes it's a big bad show tonight Yeah, it's the Big Show Come on crank it up and turn on all the lights y'all Well get ready for somethin' That you'll never know You won't see it comin' But I promise you'll know The Big Show
Yeah, it's the Big Show Come on crank it up and turn on all the lights y'all Well get ready for somethin' That you'll never know You won't see it comin' But I promise you'll know The Big Show
DrOp--the only tolerable thing about the wedding was knowing your report would make it funnier. Really.
Originally posted by ManiacalClownWho in the FUCK is Nathan Jones?
He's an Aussie. WCW nearly (did?) picked him up just before they went broke. This is the best site I found. http://www.upw.com/superstars/nathanj.htm Surprisingly they fail to mention the roids and jail time......
Wait a minute here. The crowd looked absolutely jacked as far as I could tell. Hell, they were all clapping for one simple punch from Rikishi. I could hear the crowd laughing hard at the Kidman impersonation and Funaki's quip. I must have been dreaming, but I could have sworn that the crowd was chanting Torrie REALLY LOUDLY during the wedding.
Seriously, where is all this "crowd was dead" sentiment coming from?
The call is from heroism; will you accept the charges?
I agree, but Meltzer is reporting today that Bentley is gone from TNA (he didn't like his new contract offer). Dammit! (I was wondering why Bentley wasn't at Sacrifice.) Hopefully they'll work something out. --K