God, I'm on the weirdest sleep schedule. I went to sleep at 7, woke up at 4 and now I'm ready to tackle the TNAs wrestling. Allright, some Mountain Dew Code Red, a keyboard, Kurt Angle's gigantic head and thou. Let's do it.
- Sarita! HEY! It's Mickey James from Kilmarnock, VA. I assume Tim Noel has her alt country cd. If he doesn't, I will expect an explanation. I love that the Beautiful People have been continuing to explore the weird ass world of teenage girl social dynamics. TAZ masturbating furiously on the mic as they enter the ring reminds of all the 46 year old virgins at home shooting a viscuous load over their hardbound Will Eisner:Portrait of a Sequential Artist. Oop! Lemme rewind- as I now remember that my "TAZ jacking it reminds me" jokes make me do too much research. God, Angelina Love will paiste you in the face with an elbow. Ooo, and a nice lariat. Angelina Love- best wrestler in TNA? Dark Angel carrying Velvet Sky would be worth watching. I thought the Knockout division was dead? I was MISLEAD! MISLEAD! Madison Rayne knocking herself out was PREPOSTEROUSLY goofy. Yeah, I love this match. Sarita vs Angelina wasn't as smooth as I would have expected but it got better as they hit the finish. I just hope they are doing a "Velvet Skyy gets roofied" angle and DON'T blame anyone in an entire male wrestler locker room. That would be quality Roger Goodell-style booking.
- AWESOME! Matt Hardy!
- Hey, Amazing Red. I haven't seen him in what?- 5 years? A Young Buck! A Motor City Machine Gun. A 3-Way? That's so 1999. Oh GOD, I HATE THESE KIND OF MATCHES. Anyway, we're still in the worked column so far. Eh, young Buck 1 is fine rudoing Red's lucha approximations. Superfluous somersaults to kick somebody in the face makes me hate YB1. YB1 then rudos the Red sequence well and I no longer hate him. YBi is Kenny Omega- I dig him until he tries any offense. Red and MMG1 hits the Dragon Kid Spinny Powerbomb and if you haven't seen it in a while- and I haven't- it was neat. YB1 wins with the third best DDT of the match, but that's quibbling. God, a 3-way makes the Worked column- don't get used to that.
- The Velvet Skyy vs Winter "'lunch table seating position' on a pole" match was great. I love the whole "I get to sit next to Angelina now" look on Winter's face postmatch. Everything Angelina touches is solid gold.
- It is 5:38 AM in the morning and my five year old makes the main event work because he spends five minutes talking about how much better "La Porka" is than each guy who gets in the ring. "Does anybody wear a mask?" "No" "Why not?". And then we have a discussion about the "old guy". I explain that he was the greatest wrestler ever at one time. "But now he's old? But he was good int he 70s?" Then he goes on to tell me a 10 minute story about "LaPorka", Zorro and Psycho Circus. And then goes on to describe Zorro's three-sided mask that he had before he lost it. Then he asks me about the "green guy with the horns from the Electro-Shock match". It turns out to be Dr Wagner. I don't know where his crazy 5 year old mind added horns. Then we discuss Super Porky and what color their arms are. I explain why they call him SuperPorky. He kills me by explaining the difference between "Porky" and "Superporky"- as a term to describe fatness. "'Porky' is to here. 'SUPER-porky' is out to HERE!" I try to remember which is the oldest of the Brazos. He goes on to explaining how "Brazo Ozo" speaks "American" and talked about how fat his brothers are. We argue over if "Brazo Ozo" is fatter than Super Porky. I explain why Brazo and SuperPorky were fighting each other (a while back in AAA. This kid's memory is a steel trap.) "They are brothers and they love each other still but sometimes wrestling makes brothers fight each other because they can make money." He bought that. Then he went on to sing every word of "I'm Looking Through You" by the Beatles (we got Beatles Rock Band and he has soaked every song up.) What an awesome morning.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett filibusterin' gave me time to chug some Code Red and get acclimated to the retardedness of the situation. Ric Flair didn't used to have to curse so much! What did Ric Flair do? He set up WHAT? Ah Tenay explains. Okay. Flair chewing up the scenery ALMOST makes this work but NOT ENOUGH! I love Bischoff trying to underplay the scene like he is using his acting chops to make the whole Angle reinstatement thing make sense.
- Jeff Jarrett's wife making wistful glances about her lost love with Kurt Angle as she massages her current husband's back would work if she was a hot Colombian woman and this was "Amor de mis Amores." For that to work, Mrs Jarrett would need to much larger earrings and Kurt Angle would need to sit around with Crimson and play guitar and start crying as Crimson looks at him with a "it is very manly for you to cry in your romantic anguish" look in his eye- as he himself fights back tears. So yeah, there is a few ways they can go to make this work.
- Jeff Hardy says 15 variations of "ass". I fear a run-in by Kip James and get into the fetal position as it is WORSE than Kip James- it's Mr Anderson. At least Kip had the greatest tagteam in the history of wrestling when he was life partners in Billy and Chuck. I can't figure out how many times Jeff Hardy will have to plunge forty feet to the top of his own head to make this match watchable.
- Does the Pope go into a Black Southern Baptist call and response trance? Eh, instead he takes a gimmick that could be so awesome and goes pretty pedestrian with it. God, go watch some Dusty Rhodes. I do notice that the giant C.O.G.I.C. church on Midlothian Turnpike's slogan is "Changing the World One Family At A Time". The Pope will always have that.
- Dixie Carter vs Eric Bischoff has been done before but I get the feeling isn't going to be as awesome as GAIA vs Super Star Unit but I will deeply move it up if it does come within a mile of it. Hmmm. Dixie Carter as Chigusa and Bischoff as Lioness Asuka- there are flaws in this comparison...
- Can Matt Hardy carry Mr Anderson? I've seen Matt Hardy carry guys in their first matches ever to watchable matches. Hardy breaking Anderson's shoulder where all Anderson has to do is try to sell the shoulder has about as a good chance as any for a Mr Anderson match to ever work. The postmatch Carolina beatdown almost made it work but they didn't piledrive him through a burning table or anything. RVD? Fuck this. Yuck.
The Lovely Mrs. Tracker emitted the saddest groan of pity when she saw Matt Hardy. And then she asked for the legal history of Jeff when he ran in. And she wondered why RVD had to tip-toe down the ramp for the save.
Her attention was not rapt.
"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
Originally posted by CerebusWelcome back Dean, we've missed you around here.
Will Eisner is extremely overrated as an artist, but I do have that DVD and it is interesting.
I'm just pulling out of a Wrestling Indiffernce binge that I've been on since the horrible Benoit thingy. I think it was the longest in my life. Getting Puerto Rican wrestling weekly can cure any wrestling ill- and I got it two weeks ago. It's strange. Cured me right up.
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENOh man, does it suck? I was hoping she would start a Virginia Northern Neck Roots Revival. But maybe that's why she is back on my TV wrestling again.
It's Wal-Mart & Arby's, opening for fake Lynyrd Skynyrd at the fair type country, and then Johnny Van Zant gets on and asks you "did that chick rock or what, y'all?" It's got all that forced, phony "Fist City"/"Your Squaw Is on the Warpath" sort of thing that all these Nashville ladies try to put on now, but it sounds like Big & Rich fronted by a really hot drunk girl at karaoke.
I was going to throw in a line about how Hollie was not at the show because she was off shooting Pron in Los Angeles for sites like brazzers.com and naughtyamerica.com but I either forgot to do it or couldn't figure out how to phrase it properly.