My wife and kids are at my in-laws for a few days- as summer is the granny tour season- so I bought HEY WHADDYAKNOW! THEY NOW MAKE THE 30 PACK OF MILLAH! and two four Steel Reserve so I am DEEPLY on the way to being completely drunk. I'm not forty yet, so it isn't actually pathetic. I looked it up. If I told you all the pussy I got linked with Miller products, you'd be bored out of your young motherfucking mind. So I'll spare you. I will not spare you Dean plus Booze. I know a little bout love and baby I can guess the rest. They are in Cinncinnnatti and all I can think about is Ed Agner and how fucking awesome a sports writer he is. OHIO~! DEVO~! I am outside of his bedroom window as we speak. MY ED AGNER STALKING SHRINE IS THE FINEST OF ALL STALKING SHRINES!!!!
- Active Roster Kurt Angle! Fuck yeah, motherfucker. You know who is really fucking great? KURT FUCKING ANGLE.
- Booker T is on the stick. KENZO! Satan Pro was supposed to actually show up at my house and tell to things that folks would actually jack off over in terms of Kenzo's geisha.. FUCK YOU, BOOKER T! KENZO LOVES AMERICA, MOTHERFUCKER! And I guess we'll have a five way dance as RVD shows up. And then Horshu. And THE WANG! Aww fuck. It's gonna be a fucking battle royal. I can't believe I only bought 31 beers to make it through this. Cena shows up and it's official. GOD, that's a LOT of shitty punches. Vince shows up and I await the far more coherent storyline of the MicroTouch commercial. OH SHIT! Teddy Long is the new GM! AWWWESOME. Teddy fucking rocks the mic like a VANdool. Light you up like a candooool. So makes this work.
- REY REY! wrestles Spike Dudley. Rey wears the belt to the ring JUST LIKE FLAIR USED TO. That reminds me that Rey Misterio is absolutely fucking awesome. Face versus face hand shake and Kevin Sullivan is booking tonight as this is the opening match. They bring the HATE early and I love this match. Phil Schneider calls and tells me about his eventful trip to BotB4 and the fight in Atlantic City. he explains to me that the tobacco companies that keep jobs in the sacred soil of Virginia also sponsor the CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZYTOWN commercials so they are sUPPOSED to make you want to smoke nine prong huka of Virginia's sweet sweet tobacco. Anyhoos, the match is really fucking fun with the nearfalls setting up the screwy Dudley-filled finish. This could be a good little feud.
- Angle and Long have a battle of wits betwixt fellas with bald heads and sweet ass double breasted suits. Angle WRESTLES! FUCK YES.
- Paul London and Billy Kidman defend the BELTS! The Dudleys are getting all kinds of props from Schneider and Tom. I don't think they can be the Midnight Express versus London's RnR, but we'll see tonight. I can only assume that London will sell like Ricky Morton. Bubba does work the arm-ringer like fucking Johnny Valentine. Kidman reverses it but Bubba cuts him off and then Bubba RUDOS the Kidman and London comeback. London fucking DIES on the bump to the floor. We go to a commercial. Join me, won't you? Let's think about CRZ's beautiful yet manly hair. OH SHIT! I'm SPENT AS MICROTOUCH SHOWS UP AS I. I a man who has sired children and thrilled ladies to his manic loving slightly gamey touch- FREAKS OUT TO CRZ + MICROTOUCH! Such a beautiful ten piece grooming kit. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnghhhhh!. Ooop. Where were we? We come back and Billy is selling the backbreaker. D-Von works on the neck and he is ssssssssssssooooooooooooo not as good as Stan Lane, young Phil. Kidman sucks selling the beatdown but London is fucking great as a house afire. NICE Superkick by London. London is such the superstar in this. London sells the assbeating like a king and the Double Superplex on D-Von is fucking beautiful. Nice nearfall. London fucking MISAWAs the first nearfall. Rey Rey with REVENGE and the cool ass roll up by London and this fucking rocked.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON: The Baron came back to reality as his phone rang. It was his estranged wife. "I vill kill you, mein freunde Al Vilson. I must ssstrike you again because I have PERSONAL business." The Baron's giant crushes Al Wilson's jaw again and Wilson is unconscious.
"Baron. Baron. I'm worried. I'm... i'm worried about you."
"Shelley. You've called. Am I not broken enough for you? Have you not stolen my life enough?"
"Baron. Look. I don't want to get into this."
"NO. Nononono. Let me speak you for once."
"When I found out about you. When I found out about you and your new love and your BETRAYAL OF OUR FAMILY!"
"Allright, that's enough...."
"NO. NO. YOU VILL LISTEN TO ME. YOU VILL LISTEN TO ME OR EVERYVON! Everyvon.... everyvon. Even my babies. The babies ve had. Ven I sought zat you loved me. Ven we vere one....."
"Baron. I know you. I knew you at least. You can't hurt our children. Why does everything- the good times and the bad times- all mean the same?"
Baron sank. He careened to the ground. "Goddam it, woman. I MAY BE A FOOL. I MAY BE INSANE. But I can tell you why I am insane. Us no more was a VALLLLLL that I cannot get past. It killed me so long ago. I am ze walking dead. I have vat I can for you. I have all zat I can for mein children ZAT YOU CAUSED TO HATE ME! TO HATE ME! TO HATE....'
Baron sinks into his chair, tears in his eyes.
Al Wilson awakens.
TO BE CONTINUED.
- Cactus Jack is at the DNC. I love America.
- Eddy! What could he have? What could be the secret? Ah, it doesn't really matter. It's fucking Eddy Guerrerro. If they love us, they will re-ignite the fucking white hot Eddy versus Angle storyline and all the fucking beautiful batches of wrestling therein. Eddy shows up and they announce that next week my wrestling pecker will spurt it's seed over the greatness of Eddy Guerrerro and Kurt Motherfucking Angle wrestling each other. Fuck yeah. I love the Professional Wrestling and so do you. FUCK YEAH! LET'S DO IT TONIGHT! Eddy stole many things of Kurt's. Eddy is good people. Eddy mentions his cousin Joey who will put hydraulics on the wheel chair. I have a cousin Joey who builds cottages in Nags Head. When I was 10 and he was 7, I also beat him to DEATh because he stabbed my Stretch Armstrong with a pencil, several times. Joey fucking rules though. He is my cousin who I most identify with. Paly the fuck out of guitar too. he taught me how to play "Train Train" by Blackfoot. He's my boy. And he'd kick your ass. (Oh, Eddy versus Kurt at the Summerslams. Maybe it's time to get a PPV.)
- JBL has proud American parents. JBL had a GREAT mullet. I am proud. Yes, I am. Two games with a broken leg!
-Batista as Boogaloo Shrimp gets even more DVDVR motherfuckers attached to his dick.
- The 8 man match for the US title begins. Haas and RVD start and Haas does sweet armdrags. Le WANG tags in and Dupree does EVERYTHING great except actually wrestle. Haas jobs early to the 1998 Fame-asser. Dupree works over Billy Gunn. He flaunts his PENIS over Gunn and freaks out and beats his ass- AS IF HE AND CHUCK WERE NEVER GOING TO BE MARRIED! Cena and Horshu have a fun section. Horshu with the SWEET Steiner crossfaces. Cena sells it all like a KING. Horshu bumps big on the perfectly fine punches of Cena. KENZO gets disqualified after Cena tries to mount his wife! Commercial and Dean goes and pees and gets beer number 12. Oooh, King Of Queens includes that Lee Remi gal with that SPANKIN BOOTY. Booker T and Cena punch each other in the faces as we return. Billy Gunn with some kind of Lariat of two. They edit Cena's punches and you wonder how much they reallly suck. Gunn is fucking great yelling at the rubes as he procures the Sleeper. Cena hits the shittiest DDT to exist since the end of Hulk Hogan's wrestling career. But then again, I never saw the Chono versus hogan matches that were to have completely RULED. Cena eliminates Gunn as I type. Horshu returns to the ring. Cena sells the assbeating like John Cena will sell an assbeating. Cena with the "Death Valley Driver" and Horshu is pinned. Cena is fucking BEAUTIFUL with his selling of Booker T and RVD's finishers. Fabulously beautiful nearfalls. as Cena makes RVD look almost credible. Booker T with the nice Double Finishers made for a great finish. FAR FAR FAR better than I figure it would be.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Bowflex? Oh suck my ass. Best shape of my life was when I was 17. I gots mo pussy when I was fat and 26. love is a mental thing. It's not about physical, it's about the ephemeral. It's about trust and tenderness and passion. And disciplined breathing and manual stimulation. It's a mystery, motherfucker. A Mystery. The beauty is that it's a Mystery. You never grow old if you know that love (in the spiritual and the physical sense) is a Mystery.
- Did y'all get the VAN HALEN commercial en lieu of the Kenny Rogers commercial? I saw Van Halen live in....... 1981. I was 15. TWENTY THREE YEARS LATER, I must say that side one of WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST is the only thing you REALLY need. I am so very old.....
It must be X-Mas in July: First, DEAN returns. Second, and possibly almost as good, Al Wilson is alive. Since it was all a dream, does that mean the secret 3rd Mulkey is still alive as well? Angle returning to the ring? That might be the thing that brings me back from a month away from the show. Of course, if Teddy Long is back as a face, does that mean Ice Train will follow along shortly?
DEAN lives! DEAN drinks! DEAN spooges his drunken seed for Microtouch! Oh thank Odin normalcy has returned. America can do better and help is on the way, INDEED!
But DEAN, Eddy's cousin is named Chuey. Joey was that Numbers fella Tazz kept referring to. I'm a bit confused by Eddy's anti-theft device. Does he try to buy off the car thief with a blast of cocaine right up his nose? Is this why Eddy feels froggy?
What you didn't see during the "Mick Foley at the convention" bit? Right after the Peter Jennings/Foley conversation, Jennings tortured Foley like The Abominable Stretch Monster and revealed he -- like 85% of all Canadians from the ages of 27 to 60 -- were drafted in a stint of Stu's dungeon. And then Peter ate Mick's other ear.
"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
I must warn everyone about the Microtouch controversy. Yes, they will show you a ten piece grooming kit. It will look very nice in the carrying case...
BUT if you read the fine print, you will see that the carrying case is an optional payment. So unless you want to carry 10 pieces of grooming goodness in your pocket, you will have to pay more than the unbelievable low price of just 19.99! Long story short, don't get sucked in by Microtouch. Resist the temptation.
Oh, and good review as always. BTW, London is nice, but he's no Morton. C'mon now!
Joe Wilson (looking at Interocitor manual)- Hey, here's something my wife could use in the house... Crow T. Robot- A man? Joe Wilson- An interocitor incorporating an electron sorter. Cal Meechum- Oh, she'd probably gain 20 pounds while it did all the work for her. Tom Servo- Cal, you bitch!
While most of us are clamouring to get through Starrcade, and head over to a fresh new year (with the big question lurking; will I continue onwards with the WCW timeline or move on … TO SOMETHING ELSE?!?)