DR: I'm on vacation but I didn't want to subject a fellow playah into just having to pinch-hit. EN LIEU, I wrote up how I predicted it would turn out via the spoilerless results given to me by the beloved and girthy Phil Rippa. Beautiful Phil Schneider will write far more hateful things about how it actually turns out. This will be long.
PS: I actually don't have much hate, this was okayish wrestling, with parts verging on good.
DR: Scotty 2 Hotty gets on the mic to introduce himself to the crowd- none of whom can pick him out of line-up yet- and they go over last weeks comical set-up of this match. Spike Dudley comes out with picture of Dick Cheney tattooed across his chest and the words, "We'll take all that oil now, you Canadian Moosemounting socialists" written underneath. Scotty hits five dropkicks and Spyke sells them by flying shoulderfirst into the announcers' table. Tazz says, "GOOD GOD, COLE! I THINK THAT LAST T-BONE SUPLEX JUST KILLED SPYKE!" The Dudley Boys comes out and 3-D Scotty directly up a moose's ass. Spyke pins the moose after hitting an Acid Drop and retains. The crowd fills the ring with chairs just like that Terry Funk match from ECW. Except everyone in the ring gets paid afterwards.
PAS: This actually has no business in a what worked category as Scotty 2 Hotty is utterly useless. I remember him being fine as a ECWA junior and as a Brian Christopher teamed gay stereotype. He desperately needs a gimmick rehash, especially because he is doing Cena's gimmick 5 years ago as a jobber. I think he would be really good as a heel frat boy who yells Chappelle Show catchphrases. I think him constantly interrupting other peoples promos by grabbing the mike and saying "I'm Rick James, Bitch" or "OKAAAY" would be gold.
DR: Chavo Guerrero and Jamie Knoble team together because they are the most heatless wrestlers in the WWE after their pushes were so completely botched/ruined. Chavo tries to raise some heel heat by getting on the STICK~! and talking about how can't tell the difference between Triumph and Chiliwack when listening to the radio on the way to the arena. Kidman/Paul London have the belts and are highfiving the crowd as they get to the ring. Kidman and Noble lock up and trade armdrags for four minutes until A MASKED FIGURE COMES OUT OF THE CROWD AND ENTERS THE RING! The figure grabs Paul London and looks to be choking him out as the other three helplessly attempt to stop the six foot tall behemoth! Chavo grabs his mask and pulls it off and they all three fall back STUNNED! He's not choking him- it was the TONGAN DEATHGRIP! MENG STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING- his hair.... GIGANTIC. His Pants... GOLDEN AND GIGANTIC. He gets on the stick and says "I AM THE MONSTER MENG" in Spanish and THEN shouts "I AM KING HAIKU!" in Japanese. And then shouts "I AM NOT A SHARK!" in English. He then stacks all four cruiserweights up and pins them all with one foot on the chest of Kidman. He walks out of the ring with the tag titles and is also awarded the Cruiserweight title- onto which he immediately pees and sets on fire. This works because Meng is wearing those pants.
PAS: This was a a nifty tag match. Worked way more U.S. southern juniors style, then puro or lucha. Chavo is a really nice bumping Eaton as he takes a backdrop like he is having a contest with Gypsy Joe, and Noble is way better then Lane and fucking with Condrey. London is really great at working face in peril, lot of fun, and I might get a PPV where these four are given 13-15 minutes.
DR: D-Von Dudley and John Cena have a wrestling match where they switch camera angles every half second since both have such shitty punches. WWE has the finest production in all of Northeastern US bigtime wrestling. so that has to work.
PAS: Ringside Bubba can usually save anything, however he did not save this.
DR: Teddy Long comes out and says dollah dollah bill! First he announces the return of the Immortal Sensai Sonny Ono who comes out wearing a solid gold karate outfit. Sonny gets on the stick and says, "I want all you fat, smelly, poutine-eating Canadian redneck motherfuckers to get the hell out of the way so your poor, long-suffering wives and girlfriends so they can FINALLY get a look at a REAL MAN. Set your nipples in the upright position because HERE HE COMES, ladies- BOBBY HARDWORK WALKER!" Walker also has a golden Karate outfit but Ono ceremonially pulls it off of him by the velcroed seams. Walker has on a banana hammock with the picture of Linda McMahon over his Big Business. They cut back to Linda at the monitor and she is upset at first. Then she is overcome by curiosity as they fade out.
PAS: It was the Big Show instead. I was really digging pre-injury Show, so I am happy.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
DR: JBL and Orlando Jordan come out with Paul Harvey and give everyone a Paul Harvey Salute and they laugh and talk about how shaking hands with Hamiltonians is like shaking hands with a triple stack of french waffles. Orlando scores a mountain of cheap heat by saying that if nationalized healthcare means still french kissing the Queen of England's decrepit old ass 400 years after landing in Mooseville, he'd take his chances with his hmo. Paul Harvey causes a near riot by telling a ten minute story that ends with "... and that little girl who grew up to be the first woman in the CFL was.... Rocky DiPietro. Now you know THE REST OF THE STORY." JBL talks at length about his plan to move the Montreal Canadiennes to Birmingham, Alabama when the Undertaker's music starts playing. MUGAtaker shows up and tombstones Paul Harvey as the JBL and Orlando clear the ring. MT yells into the face of the unconscious and bleeding hardway Harvey- "THE CANADIENS ARE MOVING TO SAN ANTONIO, YOU ODD PRONOUNCING FREAK! REST. IN. PEACE." Chairs fly into the ring like that Terry Funk match from ECW. Except everybody in the ring gets paid afterwards. This didn't work because everybody knows the Canadiens are moving to Northern Virginia after being bought by Disney and being renamed the Loudon County World Of Pooh.
PAS: TIVO TAKE ME AWAY
DR Spike tells the other Dudleys- who are setting a poster of Guy LeFleur on fire- how happy he is to be evil. They all laugh and laugh and dine on a litter of kittens. John Cena comes out and saves the kittens and says, "Yo yo yo! Them kittens were given to me by my skeezah flygirls bizzznitches from the Hamilton Ontario Girl Scouts!" Cena quickly grabs three male kittens and points there tails at each Dudley, blinding them with kitty musk spray. "DUD-LEYS done run out of GAS- deze pussies done sprayed yo..." and the crowd shouts "ASS!" This doesn't work because I don't think Canada has girl scouts.
DR Renee Dupree gets on the stick and calls RVD a semen-guzzling America fannypants homosexual. They cut back to RVD in the back unphased by the monitor. Dupree says- in an accent that comes and goes- that RVD's ponytail comes in handy as a handle when RVD is blowing everybody in the back. They switch back to RVD in the back and he goodnaturedly smiles like he's been found out. Dupree goes in for the kill- he then announces that he has joined the conservative party and will do what he can to RE-criminalize marijuana in Canada. They cut back to an enraged RVD who has smashed the monitor on the concrete and storms the ring. RVD chokeslams the ref to the floor and legit starts muy thai kicking Dupree in the face- causing a 9 inch gash across Dupree's forhead. Dupree is overheard shouting "WHAT THE FUCK, ROB!?! It's a FUCKING WORK! STOP IT MOTHERFUCKER!" The entire back comes out and breaks kayfabe by swarming on the enraged RVD until the house PA can start playing a tape of Phish live in Philly 4/23/2002. RVD is soothed by a 27 minute guitar solo and bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. This doesn't work because they break kayfabe on national tv.
PAS: This match was funnier then Dean's fantasy booking. As these guys work a really shitty 1996 juniors match, with 2 count rolls ups, both guys miss and get applause, bad punch exchanges, intermittent body part selling, big moves not really sold, and 2.9 sections. At one point Tazz even says "What will it take to put RVD away" I liked this better as Inferno Kid v. Lance Diamond.
DR: Eddie Guerrero wrestles Kurt Angle. GODDAMMIT.
PAS: The mike work setting this up was awesome, as Eddie cuts the best ROH promo ever. Did more to get over the handshake then the first 16 months of Gabe booking.
DR: Kurt Angle, Eddy Guerrero and fucking Rey Misterio Jr are in a wrestling match. GODDAMMIT..
PAS: This was really fun, but Eddie is so smoking HOF Angle in mike work and ring work. His leg selling totally makes this match, and all the interesting things done on the mat are by Eddie too. 31% my itchy ball sack.
Glad to see a couple of people remember Smackdown. An example of how disinterested I was to a lot of show was that this weekend a huge John Cena fan asked me what Cena did on SD on Thrusday (as he was out of town) and for the life of me I couldn't remember, drawing a total blank the entire time just a day and a half after the show, as he was throwing names at me like Booker & Dupree and I was like "Naa that wasn't it, gawd who was it again"... How can I forget the awesome Dvon vs. Cena match *sarcasm should be noted*
I'm sorry I just can't feel the heat of Angle throwing paint on Eddie rental car... Big Show did get decent in some of his time on SD, but certainly not feelin Teddy announcement of him coming back as a big deal holla.
smark/net attack wienerville advisory is raised to ORANGE alert - High (Benoit lost the title to some punk kid named Orton, lets look at the positive at least it's a heel not named HHH who has the title, which allows two fresh faces battling for the World title.. whaat? excuse me? what happened on Raw! well scratch that... Over to Smackdown we wave at Justin Bradshaws title reign, I think I'm getting sea sick)- 8/22
Cool I was worried when writting that that it wouldn't come off that way. As really that was the secret. You're not going to start a fight by just walking up to someone and verbally insulting his clothes...