Sorry, I'm lagging behind on my MUST REVIEW EVERYTHING onslaught of wrestling viewing. I've got this horrendous head cold that I mentioned in the IMPACT WORKRATE COMIX! Oy. But enough about my stupid drippy problems, ON TO THE PR! WOO-HOO! cough cough cough
- BJ vs Lynx is joined in progress. BJ's offense is so fucking good- culminating in the spinning Tombstone which had to all kindsa suck. Lynx hits all of his midgrade New Japan juniors offense really well also and they do this crazy thing called SELLING- and it makes it all about the best wrestling in the world. Dark Rose kicks BJ's ass on the floor and distracts the ref so when BJ's gets in his desperation Ace Crusher, Lynx can grab the ropes. BJ makes really Punchable Faces of Disbelief. BJ rules. Lynx makes with the flashpin and BJ makes even greater Faces Of Pussishness. Postmatch, BJ and his little mini friend attack El Niche with a fire extinguisher- not spraying it on him, slamming it over his back so that it would- you know- HURT. I don't know why BJ got kicked down the card, but it will lead to some really great matches with Niche and Lynx so I can't whine about it.
- Pride of Ballamore, CJ O'Doyle takes on the white hot evil that is the PRECIOUS ONE GILBERT. Gilbert has the awesome Barry Windham punches that make me love him even more. This match is awesome. Gilbert takes two punches, a few moves and then TRANSITIONS TO OFFENCE~! by punching O'Doyle in the face. Gilbert also brings a fair amount of legit clubbing forearms. AWESOME- O'Doyle hits the Flying Cross Body for two and Gilbert counters by punching him in the face. Gilbert wins with a head scissors submission in 2011 and YOU and I weep at the fucking GREATNESS of THAT.
- Once again Carlitos and Joe Bravo have a weirdly good match. Hell, Bravo hits a powerslam that looked a legit powerslam. They bump the ref and Joe Bravo gets the VISUAL PIN~1 and then takes the belt and whacks Carlitos and gets a two count. Bravo punches better as a heel, which is just WEIRD. But its true. After more cheating by the Newly Minted In The Furnace Of Evil Joe Bravo- the ref can take no more! Carlitos is your winner by the disqualification.
- Oooo, is Debbie Rose the sister of Dark Rose? She does have the hypmotizing buttocks. Maybe the Rabiosos can beat the Joel Brothers into a good match- as they have had quite a few miracle matches in the short time I've gotten the beloved WAPA. They show the end of the Rabiosos vs Mad Man Manson/Black Pain- where Black Pain looks like he will be trying to carry MMM for a few weeks.
- Maaaan, they better show the whole Hideo Saito vs Shane title switch on Sunday. Saito going TOTAL MOONDOG after losing- including ripping the entire railing apart- is soooo choice. SUNDAY SHOW IS LOADED UP: YES! Shane and Saito aren't afraid to furnish the STIFF by trading forearms to the mouth. Saito with the total fatboy headbutt off the top. This guy has a future in wrestling. Shane kicks out. Shane goes on a little offense and hits SWEET Elbow From Heaven for two. Saito fights back and goes up to kill off Shane but misses his second toprope headbutt. Shane responds by hitting TWO fucking BEAUTIFUL toprope elbow drops for the pin. God, I love Puerto Rican wrestling.
- Tommy Diablo is a fun little Junior heavywight- looking all the world like the WWC meth mule arriving from Phillie. Niche makes his perfectly fine offense look totally awesome- especially by leaning deeply into Diablo's spinning jumping flying crescent heel kick. Niche hits a nice DDT- fueled by the perfection of Dark Rose's big buttocks. Niche fucking KILLS Diablo with a Missile Lariat and then hits a really nice Shining Wizard that Diablo leaned into enough for me to be impressed by a Shining Wizard in the '11. Diablo gets tired of getting beaten to death and kicks Niche in the marbles and we have a POSTMATCH BEATDOWN! that is ended before it starts as Niche dropkicks Diablo out of the ring.
- Oh who will Gilbert beat the crap out of this week? SUPER MEDICO! HEY! It's Carlos Colon. OH WHAT THE FUDGE! It runs over and I don't get to see which old guy Gilbert beats the crap out of. Savio, fill a brother in.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- No Abel. Hmmmm. My heart is broke and I'm going to hell.
- The Joel brothers hit some pretty oily fat boy offense on AJ Castillo and Jay Valez. Castillo looks like shit here but I can't quite figure out if it's him or the Joel brother that is and everyone looks pretty lost in this. Ah fuck it. This sucked.
- The dead eyes... the random swinging of the arms.... the ice made of the tears of horrified children... YOGI ON ICEEEEE...................
- The Classic is Invader 1 vs El Bronco. It's still too weird to comment on. I dunno.
Well, it's Memorial Day weekend and what better time for another fantastic round of Captionomics. But first, I screencapped a couple things here. Had to take a screen of this. Just one question, who's Stu? Your next Raw World Champion.