My wife and kids are oot of town so it's just me and the boredom and the stupidity and banality of me by myself. I'm sick of all the tapes I have, I'm already sick of all the extra cable I started getting (that's cable TV, youfucking weirdos) and I'm a little excited about by allotted booze consumption. I had the last Mackesson Triple Stout that I had left over from the bet I won with the comical Redskin fan rube two weeks ago. I've also got some Old Milwaukee from the Food Lion so join me as I try to fill up the empty hours of my life as I try to kill some time left to my own crapulence. Oh come on. It'll be fun. I'll sing songs to you. We'll watch those 70s Cheap Trick videos I got.
- Rey Rey is wearing the suit with the mask- like he is the Destroyer or a member of Kiss on the DRESSED TO KILL album cover. Carlito mumbles something.
- Rene gets legit heat that his built up over 800 years of history. Kenzo leaving his love of America at the water's edge is disturbing. OH WAIT! AWESOME! HE SINGS JAMES BROWN! Who in the fuck could go for RVD? Who could not love Kenzo's immigrant love for the motherfucking Land of Free and Home of The Brave?!?! Who?!?!? You can suck my COCK. RVD is an idot and gleefully bumps cretinously to the floor onto his back. The crowd is so hot that RVD in a heat spot actually garners heat. Okay, Rene is the best wrestler who can't actually wrestle- because he takes a German like he is Alexander Otsuka in 1999. Rene grabs a blue folding chair- exactly like the one we bought from Wal-Mart this week for $8. RVD gets the win with the win while I was looking at my chair to see if it was actually the same hue as what Rene had.
- FUCK YEAH! THE NUGE TELLS YOU TO VOTE! Sure he's a rightwing moonbat now, but he wrote "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang". What the fuck did you ever write, motherfucker? That's right. Shut your fucking hole. And LEARN. LEARN to respect what the Motor City Madman has done for the world. He made the pussy purr with a stroke of his hand.
- Kidman versus Haas! It truly is a fine fine coat. It is the jacket that one of the Batten Twins would wear to the ring against Jacques Goulet. Kidman works on the knee. Kidman pulls ofrf the knee brace and I'm IN LOVE. Hey, Dawn Marie is wearing some kind of Alpha Flight outfit and we are mutually SPRUNG in John Byrne delineated spunkage.
- MicroTouch allows me to keep the back of my neck barbershop close all by myself. I can also write the entire Bill Of Rights onto the back of my dog. (I have a labrador.) Ahhhhh booze.
- Luther Raeigns slathers his dick on a bunch of page 3 girls. BUT THEN LUTHER FINDS OUT THAT THEY ARE THROWING THE P TO EDDY GUERRERRO!
- JBL doesn't talk enough shit about Manchester. Oh wait, I was wrong. Doormat to the world= GOLD. Manchester as the cornshute of the UK was also GOLD. That's the cheap heat I crave. That's the cheap heat I desire....
- Heidenreich as the combo of Joe Jackson/Mark E Smith in regards to his disdain of the rubes is pretty beautiful. Heidenreich as the Wretling Terrorist is timely. Actually, he's like that guy at the White Castle who was on PCP. Ah, whatever. Whatever keeps Heidenreich from actually wrestling is a-okay with me.
- Awesome! Chavo next week!
- Rey Rey must carry Carlito. Rey Rey can do it. I've seen him do it before. Hell, Rey can carry anybody. Rey bumps big to make Carlito look good. Rey works for two as Carlito basically stands around and is wrestled upon. We go to a commercial and contemplate more sweet delicious booze. Rey Rey takes the Psicosis Sliding Bump To The Floor to cement his place as Smackdown SuperWorker. Carlito with the Waikikigatame and it is so the Lex Luger chinlock. Rey with the sweet Dandino. Rey with the vicious knee to the head and the DDT for two. Carlito works on the shoulder. Carlito wins a thousand points with me with the Anderson Brothers Arm Behind The Back Body Slam. Fun nearfalls on Rey's Quebradora. Carlito makes Rey Rey's shitty MORTAL look deadly. Suddenly, The Waikikigatame looks deadly. Nice submission section. Carlito brings it. Flash pin by Carlito. Nice match. Rey is fucking God and I expected nothing less. But Carlito was perfectly fine by the end, something I've never said before.
- Eddy shows up with the Anglo-Cooter and we are all proud to be Americans like El Pasoan Eddy G. FUCK HER! FUCK HER FOR ME, EDDY! Can love survive? Will Eddy still love them in the morning? Will they folllow him to the States (as they say over there) and continue to be his four special girls? Eddy is Rudo Deluxe carrying the offence of Reigns. Eddy with the great counter to the Bret Hart Extended Backbreaker- what with the knees to the face. The fact they do it twice makes me love it twice as much. Eddy is fucking GOd with the variations on the knees to the face. Jindrak comes in and it all suddenly sucks. And there you go. OOH! Will they cut Eddy's hair?!?>!? Hey! The Big Show! I think Eddy's QuadraPoon would have loved him just the same with or without hair. But this is completely conjecture..
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Teddy Long assuming the roll of Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon series is annoying. The Responsible Black Man is so not as fun as the 80s Electric Kingdom Freakaziod More Bounce To the Ounce throwback to my high school years that I was so loving for a minute there. BAH! The freaks come out at night and this shit sucks.
- The AMERICA'S TOP MODELS topless looked like a JV football team laying around the gym in their jeans. REAL MEN like the girls with the boom and bounce. BAH! Gimme Leah Remi yadda yadda yadda...
- Hey, the FBI. You know what sucks. I'll tell ya. A battle royal. I think I'll drink some booze and HEY! Orlando bumps big for our pleasure. Funaki does the WW3 Scotty Armstrong bump to the floor. The FBI don't die like you would think they would want to die. Eh, stupid battle royal. I have a new cat. My daughter named her "Marygold" and she is completely insane. She sleeps during the day and spends the evenings waiting until 2 in the morning so she can bury her claws into my back and thus enjoy a glorious ride through the air to the other side of the room. Ah, Rey and Angle. I'll start paying attention. Rey with punches early and I wonder if they will combine the greatness of their own singles matches with the glory that was Eddy and Angle at the Royal Rumble. Let's watch , shall we. Kitty puts her tiny head right up to the screen and cocks it sideways. Rey and Angle do lots and lots of Royal Rumble Eddy-Angle spots and I love it. Little kitty is so adorable being baffled by the Professional Wrestling. Rey Rey with the Springboard dropkick and the SWEET Swinging DDT. Then they go back to Eddy-Angle version of the battle royal. Kitty is deciding to fight the big hateful couch! Stupid couch! Feel the wrath of my Rey Rey with the overly fast win. AH! Then I remember that Rey Rey and Carlito wrstled each other a thousand times in Puerto Rico back before Rey and Eddy came back to the WWE. Then I had to pee and peee and peeeee and peeeeeee and peeeeeeeee and peeeeeeeeee and peeeeeeeeeeeee and peeeeeeeeeeee and peeeeeeeeeeeeeee and get another beer.
- Jebus Fuck, I'm so over the George Strait Greatest Hits commercial. He isn't Randy Travis now is he? No. He's not. I put on the Smoking Popes and rinse my aural pallette with "Megan". Oh megan Iiiiiiii just waited there for you....
- It's a hardcore match with JBL and Hardcore Holly. JBL bumps big for the mediocre Holly. JBL beating the fuck out of Holly looks really great. My kitty flies all over the couch and the loveseat in rapture of all the violence on the screen. Holly gets a two count and the little kitty decides to challenge the string to the blinds. it's so adorable. If you hit somebody with a tv monitor and NOBODY BLEEDS, I'll go back to watching my little kitty. The table refuses to break. A CRICKET BAT! JBL pulls out a sheeps stomach stuffed with blood pudding! JBL piledrives him onto a Orange juice Greatest hits record! JBl with a chairshot and the pin. Weeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak. Kitty contemplates kamikaze diving onto the thick skull of my labrador but decides to dive claws first into my leg. I cry like a little bitch to the actions of something that weighs 266 9/10 pounds less than me.
- Little kitty sprays her horrendous catmusk at the TV screen when the Trojan Burning Penis condom commercial is on. Even tiny adorable kittens realize that using Trojans is like driving a 74 Pinto. Awwwwww. so cute. Kitty lays on the floor and cleans her little kitty junk. Ah, that's so repulsive. Stupid pets. More booze.
"It is the jacket that one of the Batten Twins would wear to the ring against Jacques Goulet"
Speaking of rasslin Goulets, you got start that new cat off right by teaching it to fear THE CLAW! And bring the shit full circle by executing the Kenzo claw-slam. Old school, new school, DEAN school. That cat will learn. Shit, yeah.
"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
Originally posted by LeviathanZapp & Roger AND Edwin Collins references in the same report? DEAN, you've done it again.
Whatever it takes to remind me that I'm pushing 40, I'll do it!
And the best game to play with little kittys is the Alien game. Put your fingertips together and put them a half inch from kitty's face. When she tries to look closer, grab her little head like she is John Hurt shining the light on the egg in Alien. DO NOT INCUBATE INSIDE THE CAT AND EXPLODE FROM HER CHEST.
It's time for Smackdown, which should feature 100% less fan abuse than Raw. Here we go! We're airing from somewhere unspecified for Smackdown! And opening the show, we have... a contest? The Big Show's KO Punch vs. the Brogue Kick?