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The W - Pro Wrestling - your beloved WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 12/9/2004
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1106 days
Last activity: 1103 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
I was going to begin with my trifecta of suck that I experienced while on vacation: I went to DC, I went to Chuck E Cheese and I went to Wal-Mart. It was going to be all funny and talk about how the American History museum so completely suck ass now and how Chuck E Cheese is almost palatable at 2 o'clock in the afternoon and Wal-Mart at Christmas time is so uncool and bourgoise and what have you. I was all exciting at such breaking my leg up the ass of such easy targets. But then it got all weird. I went to Spencer's Exxon (because they have full service at self service prices so they get my big business every time) and then took my 5 year old to get my 8 year old the latest Harry Potter dvd down Chalkley road to the Wal-Mart-Kroger-Applebees big box emasculating grotesquerie that I usually avoid like hot weasel enemas. But the Harry Potter was only 14 dollars there and I'm cheaper than I am aesthetically and culturally fervent. We were listening to 98.1 because it's all Christmas music so I was deeply having a skin-crawlingly bloodless suburban experience.... WHEN... BAND-AID came on. It was their song from '83- "Do They Know It's Christmas" with all the British pop stars of the early 80s. It didn't hit me at first as I was looking for a parking space and then the part where Bono, Sting and Paul Weller sing "there's a world outside your window" come up. At that point I was parked and a rush of dormant emotion surfaced after twenty years. It's kinda stupid now but when I was 16, U2 had just put out WAR and when you are 16 and U2 sang "Sunday Bloody Sunday", "Two Hearts Beat As One" and "New Years Day"- not to mention "I Will Follow" and "Gloria", it's a MOMENT where being 16 matches completely with the the music. The Police had just started to suck but I saw the Police in 82 and it was great. Paul Weller was GOD. HE was in the Jam. He was in the Style Council. And even back then you knew they were three fatuous assholes. And you knew there would NEVER be a time when they would ever sing together. And when they did, it's so fucking beautiful. It's the altruistic part of all three that comes through. Goddamn, Paul Weller could sing his ass off. And Bono and Sting are subdued and intense. God, that moment and Bono coming out and singing backup on "Invisible Sun" are such indelible memories that signify in me my youth and innocence. So there I was. In the fucking Wal-Mart parking lot. Then I walked out and held my daughters hand and went in and bought the dvd. I felt so Christmasy all of the sudden. Life is all duelistic like that- in your head, all this emotionally crippling/euphoric shits happens while outside, you are at fricking Wal-Mart buying a Harry Potter dvd. I am alone within myself, walled from the world, but I'm also holding my daughter's hand and sharing as much of my world as I can. on the way home, that Dan Fogelberg Christmas song came on and my breasts probably started lactating. Jesus, let's enjoy some truly shitty wrestling, shall we? Okay.

WHAT WORKED-

- Cruiserweight Battle Royale! Hey! Paul London! Awesome! Nunzio kinda pusses out on his elimination. HAHAHAHAHA! Read that out of context! London goes out big. This is mostly the shittiness that is a battle royale. Akio dies like a MAN. Shannon Moore is the funnest part of the match- leaning into Kidman's dropkick, hitting the Missile Dropkick to eliminate Akio, dying like a freak when eliminated. FUNAKI WINS! FUNAKI WINS! That sucks. Shannon Moore versus Spike dudley would be so the great bumpfest.

- Teddy Long tells someone to take that bass out ya voice so it allows me to pad the "what worked" column. EDDY HAS A TIRE! It's JBL'S! OUTRAGEOUS! Vato Loco Rasmusso pads the top like an morbidly obese CICLON ENORME!

- Akarioroku and Torrie ripping each others clothes off and running around in circles. So the perfect thing for YOU to jack off to. Anything this pathetic and embarrassing has to cross over into some kind of performance art. Right? Maybe Akorikioku is Karen Finlay under that make-up. Maybe Lydia Lunch is secretly on the booking committee. The tag match was a peck of fun. Kenzo joining Rene with the French Tickler was fun. Rey Rey carries the game Kenzo like a champ. The nearfalls kick in and RVD's comically whiffed Missile Dropkick is EDITED LIKE A MUTHAH~! Rey Rey with the hot 2 and 8/9ths fall. REY REY AND RVD CHEAT TO WIN! Not very long but perfectly fine considering Rey Misterio Jr is the only one involved who can actually perform the Professional Wrestling, it was perfectly fine.

- Big Show as the hometown hero is fun booking. It's like when Johnny Valentine was pulling names out of a fish bowl for a three weeks on Mid-Atlantic wrestling- all the names being enhancement talent. The fourth week, Ken Patera switches all the names to "Ken Patera" and Valentine is GODLIKE as he reads each little piece of paper. Big Show beats the life out of Jindrak. Jindrak throws HORRENDOUSLY bad punches. Big Show's big boot looks fabulous. They cut this short and triple team big Show before it gets too good. Take my hand and REJOICE! as we pad the What Worked Column. Ha ha ha! Yeah, it's fun!

- JBL and his posse is waaaay too much like the Nouvelle York Foundation without the upside of having Ricky Morton and Terry Taylor. If the Breast Woman could do a spreadsheet on how to defeat Eddy Guerrerro, we could really flesh this baby out. With Eddy, Bradshaw, Booker T, Orlando Jordan, Undertaker and the Bashams, this is quite the 1995 WAR undercard match. All they need is El Canek and Osamu Tachihikari to show up and I would be all giddy about the upcoming Tortuga the Turtle-Yuji Yasaraoka match. If only Jimmy Snuka, Bob Bachlund, the Eliminators and Hacksaw Jim Duggan could show up in a match.... you get the idea. They beat on Danny Basham early. Booker T looks good beating on Doug. Eddy comes in and Doug cuts Eddy off and Orlando whoops up on him. JBL and Eddy is still GOLD in the ring. Eddy leans into JBL's offense like a MAN. Locomotion Vertical Suplexes by Eddy and it breaks down! JBl and Undertaker don't touch each other. Eddy is the face in peril and the fans are into him fighting like a babyface will fight in a Southern tag match. Bashams are great at cutting off the ring and shit. Eddy is awesome at the super close nearfalls. Basham with a FULKL NELSON and I'm loving it. This is great ass-beating that Eddy is taking. JBL comes back in and Eddy makes him look fabulous. Eddy works a Sleeper Hold spot like fucking Dusty Rhodes in Tampa in 1983 and the crowd is SPRUNG. Eddy with the nice DDT for HOPE SPOT! Hot tag to UT and they edit his shitty punches. Eddy foils JBL's attempt to hit... someone... with the belt. Then it kinda becomes random beating of the the Bashams and Orlando. UT with the Tombstone Piledriver after Eddy's Frogsplash and that was WAAAAY like a bizarre WAR match. That was fun. And almost makes up for the rest of the show felching a lunch lady.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- JBL is in fucking SOUTH CAROLINA and he can't come up with ANYTHING to insult them with? C'mon, they are the fucking Gamecocks. Undertaker chokeslams the Bashams like they were the Jim Powers Twins and he was 911!!!!!! I NOW WANT TO BUY THE PAPER VIEW!

- Charlie leaves Jackie behind. I'm assuming that something horrendous happens to her while he is in the ring. The streetfight SUCKS HOG DICKS. THAT FUCKING SUCKS THE CHUCK E CHEESE GREASE PUDDLES OUT OF MY ASS. SUCK. SUCK DICK. SUCK SUCK. FUCK YOU WWE. YOUR STREET FIGHT SUCKS TONY SIRAGUSA'S BALLS. THAT SUCKED THE DICK OF A GOAT FUCKING CHRIS COLLINGSWORTH IN THE CORNSHOOT. WWE, U SUCK.

- Luther Reigns puts his dickular region on and around Joy. Joy AAACCCTINNNG~! almost makes this work. Booker T and Stretch Girl are even more HEE HAW Skit-esque in their reading of the actiong lines. I'll stick them all here and get on with our little foray into wrestling viewing.

- And the Tough Enough choades come out. Justice gets eliminated. Luckily, he can pick ANY name before or after Justice and he will be perfect named to fit in on any US indie card. American Gladiators isn't wrestling so I will now spend this time coming up with indie names for Justice. Justice Shane. Ace Justice. Black Horseman Justice Luger. Shane Justice. Justice Nash. Real Deal Justice Austin. Old School Justice Andersen. Curly "Hard Knox" Justice. Wild Child Justice Stryykerr. Jammin' Justice Jammer. OG Justice Muhammad Rahim. Mr Excitement Justice Blayze. Soul Man Justice Maivia. International Lover Prince Justice Rogers. Wreckless Justice Earnhardt. Gee Money Justice T.

- Heidenreich must be coming back. Paul Heyman H-bombing him and fucking him up the ass while he wears the straitjacket is innovative, but disturbing. or did I just dream that....

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.




YES, I AM DEAN.
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geemoney
Scrapple








Since: 26.1.03
From: Naples, FL

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 46 sec.
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#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.42
I've always thought that having a cruiserweight battle royal was counter-productive to the division- here are guys that make their name by flying around the ring, having fast-paced, exciting matches, and you put them in a match that primarily consists of guys standing around leaning on the ropes. It just doesn't make sense.



My in-depth LIVE RAW Review and More!: Experience It
Spaceman Spiff
Knackwurst








Since: 2.1.02
From: Philly Suburbs

Since last post: 5 days
Last activity: 3 hours
AIM:  
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.05
I liked the Kanyon-esque selling of the chokeslam by Doug Basham in the opening segment.



Matt Tracker
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Since: 8.5.03
From: North Carolina

Since last post: 5 days
Last activity: 3 min.
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.37
I thought for sure they had a technical screw-up when they played the Suzuki/Torrie replay during Chavo's entrance. But there it was on the broadcast, adding nothing to the battle royale.



"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
GRL
Frankfurter








Since: 13.7.02
From: Austin

Since last post: 16 days
Last activity: 2 hours
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.92
If I ever become a pro wrestler, Jammin' Justice Jammer has GOT to be my ring-name.

Excellent work as always, though, DEAN.



"Maybe I'm getting off topic, but this thread already sucks, so I don't feel bad about it. " -LotusMegami


"The only way TV Gangrel could change is if Real Gangrel changed." -Filipino Elvis
TheMikeSays
Bauerwurst








Since: 30.10.04
From: Kalamazoo, MI, USA

Since last post: 2868 days
Last activity: 2615 days
AIM:  
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 0.32
Paper view?



YAPPAPI STRAPPATION, BROTHER!!!
asteroidboy
Andouille








Since: 22.1.02
From: Texas

Since last post: 1244 days
Last activity: 152 days
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.06
I want to be Darby O'Justice and the Little People.



-- Asteroid Boy

Now on 411


Wiener of the day: 23.7.02, 3.12.03

"If you want me to watch the shows, buy tickets when you come to town, buy t-shirts, and pay for a PPV every three days, you bet your ass I'm going to hard to impress. And when you give me stuff that blows and then tell me I don't get a vote on sharing that opinion, I'm going to tell you to go catch an STD." - Hogan's My Dad

"My brother saw the Undertaker walking through an airport." - Rex
"Was he no-selling?" - Me


dMp
Banger








Since: 4.1.02
From: The Hague, Netherlands (Europe)

Since last post: 3 hours
Last activity: 2 hours
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.11
It's quite sad to know that the 2004 version of Band Aid sucks ass. So flat and untalented..*sigh*

And worst of all, Bono sings the line he did so brilliantly in the original ("well, tonight"..etc etc) but he either cannot sing like he used to or just mails it in. Probably both..He's like a cruiserweight on smackdown..






*sigh* Why bother?
Torchslasher
Knackwurst








Since: 17.1.02
From: New F'n Jersey

Since last post: 193 days
Last activity: 161 days
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.75
You know, reading Dean~ is like watching my favorite TV show of all time- Mystery Science Theater 3000. I don't get all the references, but I know that if I did, I would know that the analogy was either correct or at least very humorous.

And that opening paragraph was very touching.



WADSWORTH: The games up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
SCARLET: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
WADSWORTH: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study. Two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.
SCARLET:That's not six.
WADSWORTH: One plus two plus two plus one.
SCARLET:Nuh, uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus ONE plus one.
WADSWORTH: Even if you are right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one.
SCARLET:(thinking) Okay, fine.One plus two plus one--(angered) Shut up!

Clue: The Movie
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1106 days
Last activity: 1103 days
#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
    Originally posted by asteroidboy
    I want to be Darby O'Justice and the Little People.


FUDGE! FUDGE! FUDGE! I knew I forgot the Irish indie gimmick. I am a fool.



YES, I AM DEAN.
spf
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02
From: The Las Vegas of Canada

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 2 days
AIM:  
#11 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.66
It can't be a list of possible indie gimmicks without one of them being Justice Dragon as every indie promotion has to have a Dragon of some sort involved with it.



redsoxnation
Scrapple








Since: 24.7.02

Since last post: 293 days
Last activity: 293 days
#12 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.45
Normally, hating Wal-Mart isn't a bad thing DEAN. However, after being able to get 10 hours of Memphis, SCW and Toronto/Detroit wrestling from the 70's and 80's for under 15 bucks there last week, hating Wal-Mart has lost some of its joy. Plus, there usually is at least one non-shitty DVD there in the 2 for $11 buck bin.



The world needs another Warrior Manifesto.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1106 days
Last activity: 1103 days
#13 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
    Originally posted by redsoxnation
    Normally, hating Wal-Mart isn't a bad thing DEAN. However, after being able to get 10 hours of Memphis, SCW and Toronto/Detroit wrestling from the 70's and 80's for under 15 bucks there last week, hating Wal-Mart has lost some of its joy. Plus, there usually is at least one non-shitty DVD there in the 2 for $11 buck bin.


It's just soooo not like going to Roses. I'm sure at the Roses in Henderson, NC there is a Quincy Carter Dallas Cowboy jersey in my size. And you KNOW there are 15 medium Mark Brunell Jacksonville Jaguar jerseys they just got in. Roses is what Big Lots aspires to be.



YES, I AM DEAN.
drjayphd
Scrapple
Moderator








Since: 22.4.02
From: Connecticut

Since last post: 24 days
Last activity: 2 days
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Y!:
#14 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.73
You wanted the best, you got... Out of Context Quote of the Week.

"...others say my mom sucked 3,000 dicks." (Nag)


    Originally posted by redsoxnation
    Normally, hating Wal-Mart isn't a bad thing DEAN. However, after being able to get 10 hours of Memphis, SCW and Toronto/Detroit wrestling from the 70's and 80's for under 15 bucks there last week, hating Wal-Mart has lost some of its joy. Plus, there usually is at least one non-shitty DVD there in the 2 for $11 buck bin.


Are you sure about that? All the local Wal-Mart's had in the bargain bin (since I was last there) is those crappy "before they were stars" 2-packs for, like, Austin and Foley. I think I've read the matches are clipped to all hell. Unless that's what you're talking about...



DEAN's Nuggets of Wisdom:

"I don't want him to die. I just want him to NEED my PEE." (as seen here)
redsoxnation
Scrapple








Since: 24.7.02

Since last post: 293 days
Last activity: 293 days
#15 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.45
    Originally posted by drjayphd
      Originally posted by redsoxnation
      Normally, hating Wal-Mart isn't a bad thing DEAN. However, after being able to get 10 hours of Memphis, SCW and Toronto/Detroit wrestling from the 70's and 80's for under 15 bucks there last week, hating Wal-Mart has lost some of its joy. Plus, there usually is at least one non-shitty DVD there in the 2 for $11 buck bin.


    Are you sure about that? All the local Wal-Mart's had in the bargain bin (since I was last there) is those crappy "before they were stars" 2-packs for, like, Austin and Foley. I think I've read the matches are clipped to all hell. Unless that's what you're talking about...






I did get Austin and Foley at another time, they were somewhat clipped, but it was a 2 pack for $5.50, so it wasn't bad, especially since I have a soft spot for World Class/USWA.
The 10 hour thing wasn't in the bargain bin, it was the Cornette/Meltzer DVD from 2000 that was on the regular shelf.
And, in terms of the non-shitty DVD's, I wasn't being specific to wrestling. Some old TV show sets etc.



The world needs another Warrior Manifesto.
pieman
As young as
he feels








Since: 11.12.01
From: China, Maine

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 2 days
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#16 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.66


    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    I'm sure at the Roses in Henderson, NC there is a Quincy Carter Dallas Cowboy jersey in my size.
No frickin' way.

There's at least 10.

(edited by pieman on 14.12.04 1029)



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I . . . I . . . I had no idea RAW was in town last night. Maybe I shouldn't have let like 8 eps of Ohio Valley Wrestling back up on the ol' TiVo as I'm sure it was talked about quite a bit on there. Oh well.
- DrewDewce, RAW #834 5/18/09 (2009)
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