Ah, sweet Thursday. Tomorrow is casual day at the office. Tonight, free wrestling on my TV. Does it get any better than this? Yeah, probably but let's do this.
- The Big Show's theme fucking RULES! THE BBBIIIG SHOW! Ready for something sumthin sumthin knoooows! AAAARRH knooowwwws! IT's THe BIG SHOW! It's the Big Bad Show noooowwwwww. That theme is PS Hayes at his finest. Meanwhile. The match sucked an engorged and throbbing penis and it lives down in the What Didn't Work section. Yeah, it blows the beef beef beef beef bologna.
- Rey Rey and...and.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... oh, I'm sorry, uh.... Rey Rey and Kidm............ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh. Uh, Rey Rey and Kidman take on Team Angle and Shelton Benjamin takes the headscissors like noone ever has and Rey Rey follows up with a tag to set Benjamin to take a big boot from.... from..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. WHA! WHA! Oh, Kidman takes a shoulder in the corner and I hope he recovers soon from his shoulder injury, because he is bumping bigger than his boredom inducing. Haas works on the shoulder more, setting Benjamin's fabulous Judo flip on the shoulder and kicks him in the shoulder and ups the heat segment by punching Rey Rey. Rey Rey does the cool ass sliding dropkick to Haas's face to make the save. Kidman comes back with an Enzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... wha HUH?! REY REY ON OFFENSE as he does these nifty highflying moves. Haas and Benjamin bump big for Rey Rey and Rey Rey hits THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ASAI MOONSAULT I HAVE EVER SEEN. Superkick Released German kills Kidman after a Shooting Star Press goes horribly awry.
- Los Guerrerros takes on Benoit and Rhyno and I'm stoked. You know who I really love? Chris Benoit. You know who is my all-time favorite wrestler is? Eddy Guerrerro. Imagine my delight when they wrestle each other. Rhyno and Chavo are good too. Coming to the ring, Rhyno makes all those Neidermeyer faces that I guess wrestling schools teach guys to make them look intense. Chavo and Benoit take it to the mat and the crowd is torn between which face team to cheer. Rhyno and Eddy are fun because Eddy is all intense and dicklike. BENOIT AND EDDY KILL EACH OTHER! WOO-HOO! Benoit kills Chavo. EDDY AND BENOIT KILL EACH OTHER! Eddy hits the dropkick and THEY START KILLING EACH OTHER AGAIN! Chavo pisses off Benoit and Eddy tells Chavo to calm down? Chavo KILLS BENOIT with a chop and it's fun. Eddy refuses to cheat to win to beat Benoit and I'm baffled. Benoit is in a chinlock and Rhyno isn't very good on the apron getting the crowd into the match. Chavo is good in cutting off Benoit with fistfuls of stiffness. Eddy hits the Rolling Senton on Benoit and Eddy cuts the ring in half and all those other things Gordon Solie would get over to the TV audience. Chavo is really fun in this, countering, bumping, matching Benoit's stiffness. OOP Commercial. Benoit is Locomoting the German Suplexes that Chavo counters out of into his own Crippler Crossface. Rhyno makes the hot tag and Chavo walks into a Belly-to-Belly and Chavo partakes of the HEAT SEGMENT~! Chavo dropkicks to comeback but can't get back to his feet. Benoit and Eddy come in together and EDDY IS FUCKING EDDY and he outsuplexes and outwrestles CHRIS MOTHERFUCKING BENOIT. Benoit is Sunset Flipped into a Powerbomb and EVERYBODY bumps to their own deaths- with Eddy Saving Chavo in a Crossface with a Frogsplash and Chavo rana's Rhyno to the floor. Eddy and Benoit suplex each other as they throw huge wads of wrestling at each other inbetween- and then TEAM ANGLE hits the ring to set up the Three Way- which I suspected would happen. Great fucking match. I understand the ending.
- Jeff Gaylord is pissed at TEAM ANGLE and the Triple Threat match is official! I hate three ways but this should fucking rule.
- Chuck vs Rikishi was good. Palumbo didn't go for full Released German on Rikishi which would have been awesome. They keep editing his punches so I can't tell if he is making them suck because he broke Matt Hardy's eye with his usual ones. Rikishi fires back and uses his highly stinky turdthruster to INSPIRE the Guerrerros to come out and clear the ring so that Chuck can experience the ass of Rikishi. Rikishi goes up and splashes down on Chuck face. Chuck is swallowed up and and is sucked up into Rikishi's body cavity and Chuck passes quickly into unconsciousness... only later to awaken in a wonderland! "Welcome to the land of the living, Chuck." A high-pitched voice awakens Chuck and his bleary eyes take in "Turdwellian! I am Turwellian! I am your guide to Rikishi's Wonderland of Male Ass!" Chuck is taken aback and absent-mindedly steps on to the gondola. "Sit, Chuck. Get comfortable." The gondola drifts down a briny river, passing thousand of offensive linemen bending over into stances over and over. Bodybuilders clench their buttcheeks in overly tanned and smiling poses, rippling glutes throb and swell. "Turdwellian, it's... it's all so... beautiful...." Chuck is in awe as they pass under the sign that says Bolshio Ballet Men's Shower. Turdwellian winks at Chuck and says, "One day, YOOOOU will live here." Chuck wakes up, having been pinned. The FBI asks him if he's okay. "I will never be the same again....."
- MATTITUDE! Fuck yeah! He's challenging cruiserweights! Brian Kendrick is in a mask! This should be fun! THE PITTSBURGH PENGUIN! Matt slams him hard and Matt schools young Kendrick. Kendrick with the sweet rana out of the corner but he falls for Matt's wiley Mattributes. Matt goes all rudo by trying to take off his mask and then kills him with a Quebradora. Kendrick gets unmasked and IT'S LIKE HE ATE SPINACH! and he gets in all this offense. Hardy bales after a Whippersnapper and Kendrick gets his first win. This was fun. Matt should have beaten on him more, but it was perfectly fine.
- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON: Al gently kissed her lips and brushed the hair away from her face. She was serene and happy for a moment. "You better go, big man."
"Al. My name is Al. You are such a beautiful creature and the wonder of how you move in the height of our passion made me glad that you are the woman you are and that I am the man that I am. What's your name, little girl?"
"Let's just kiss and say goodbye. You are the perfect stranger. Let's keep it like this." Al smiled in worldly knowledge and understanding.
"Sure thing, honey baby. Would be upset if I slipped out the back right now? I got to take care of some things."
"Yeah, I got to get back to my shift...."
"I want to see you again. Put this in your purse. It looks like a credit card but it's kind of a pager. When it goes off, call the number. We'll get together again. Next time, we'll go out and get something to eat first."
"I look forward to it." She believed Al because Al was telling the truth. He kissed her and smiled and slipped into the night.
Al's demeanor turned very stern as he circled wide and went behind the Hardees. Putting his all-access government card in the sensor at the back door, the backdoor slid open and the Hardees workers stopped what they were doing and turned and looked. "We were wondering when you would get here, Al. He only ordered a Monster Burger combo and we could only stall him for 15 minutes with the sequence 76-A9 Fry Delay."
"Lee-lee, you know how I do but sorry I'm late. You looking good as ever. It's good to see you. Did you put the stuff in his drink?"
Lee-lee was one of the first Hardees shift managers and was the one who suggested to her government spymasters that better service and edible food was a better way to keep Hardees from looking so much like a mafia front.
"Yeah, it's fixing to kick in. Get situated in the men's room. It can't be too long now."
"Thanks. Damn Lee-lee, can I get some fries with that shake?"
"Go fuck yourself, Al. Get that motherfucker and then maybe we'll see what we got shakin' afterwards."
"Oh yeah, I'm all over it, sugar baby." Al walks through the trapdoor and appears instantly behind MullKEY- who is peeing out as entire supersized Dr Pepper. "Mullkey, what the word, motherfucker?"
"WHAT THE? Thissssssssss issss a sssurprisssse indeed, Mr Wilsssssson."
"Allright, enough chitchat, my brother. You talk and I'll listen. Where's the Baron? I advise that you spill it. You don't want die in a Hardees bathroom with your dick in your hand, do you?"
"Sssssuch vulgarity one who isss ssssuppossed to be such a refined international lover..." The ceiling tiles suddenly swing back and- landing behind Al- is 5 of the Baron's genetically engineered Devastation Incorporated Ninjas. "And you didn't really think I came alone......"
TO BE CONTINUED.
- God, it's 9:59 EST and Lesnar just hit the ring. This works because Angle can still walk. And HEY! a new member of TEAM ANGLE. Yeah, yeah... it sucked, I know.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Big Show and Albert beat on Tajiri and Funaki and- boy!- can the WWE get on it's carbunkled knees and accept every ounce of my bitter viscuous semen as I inject it into it's crummy mouth. God, it was a fucking turd. Albert sold a little. There. He gets that. Big Show on the stick is like listening to the guy in the stall next to you passing last nights Golden Corral Buffet. Albert I don't blame having to partake in this ritual burial of two cruiserweights.... ahhhh fuck him. I'm tired of him and his shitty wrestling. Fuck the WWE and fuck all this shit. Unfuckingwatchabelievable.
- Yeah RIGHT! Jamie Noble would go to the Playboy Mansion to whine to Hugh Heffner instead of just cutting a deal with Larry Flynt for a spread in Barely Legal. "My Neediuh!" If Noble was a real redneck he would have said, "What you FEEL, motherfucker?" when the bonehead Playboy bodyguards came at him and then he would have stabbed them in the throat with a butterfly knife and spit on them as they choked on their own blood. C'mon, it's TV. We'd know they weren't REALLY stabbed in the throat. Okay, AT LEAST HAVE JAMIE NOBLE START THE HUSTLER ARMY stable- with Larry Flynt at ringside in a wheelchair wearing a American flag for a diaper and throwing oranges at the ref. That would rule.
- Why is Dawn Marie on the TV? Al is supposed to be dead. Who gives a shit about anything else? Sean O'Haire reads from cuecards and it is back to the Cinemax After Dark acting level that the non-Al Wilson Dawn Marie segments always achieved. Meanwhile, Torrie pimps her own manmade ass in Playboy. Dawn is creepy trying to act all seductive. She teases taking off her top and Cole is counting the buttons- my guess is that a nation of sexually retarded 38 year old virgins blew a cottage cheese textured load all over their Hacksaw Jim Duggan foam 2X4 by the time Cole says "THREE BUTTONS!" What a fucking retarded display. What kind of mental deficient jacks off to this stuff? None of these women are Japanese and none of them are even wrestling. Fucking pathetic perverts.
- CENA's rap was a bit forced this night. He did not make me forget Big Daddy Kane. Nope. I saw Skooly-D live once. I'm THAT old.
- Hulk vs Vince start yacking and I've already written the Al Wilson segment. Maybe I'll go back and beef up Rikishi's ass descriptions. See the problem is that McMahon's promo is soooo scripted. The beauty of your great wrestling promos is that it is like Jazz: Funk riffing about his father's jackass, Arn Andersen feeling "nekkid" without a belt, Dusty Rhodes pleading with Barry Windham not to turn on him, Ric Flair talking about what the belt means to him. This shit here is recitation. Real wrestling promos are extemporaneous and dangerous. Not this. Nope.
You're probably thinking of the late and somewhat lamented Rhonda Sing, aka Bertha Faye, aka Monster Ripper. But I don't think she had much in common with Jean Teasdale other than being heavy. I can't imagine Jean being able to pull off a powerbomb, for one.
"next to of course god america i love you land of the pilgrims' and so forth oh say can you see by the dawn's early my country tis of centuries come and go and are no more what of it we should worry in every language even deafanddumb thy sons acclaim your glorious name by gorry by jingo by gee by gosh by gum why talk of beauty what could be more beaut- iful than these heroic happy dead who rushed like lions to the roaring slaughter they did not stop to think they died instead then shall the voice of liberty be mute?"
TNA PPVs have been notoriously bad for this for months. It's as though the director has never seen pro wrestling before in his life. And yet, it's David Sahadi, who used to make those cool video packages for WWE, so you'd think he'd know better.