My daughters are doing summertime grandma/Unkie/Auntie touring so I'm here alone and it's no fun drawing comix by myself so to hell with it. The Workrate Report is back and I will COMBINE them with the charming younster drawings next week. THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDZ~! Lemme try to remember how to do this...
WHAT WORKED- - Hey, I got beer left over from last night! I must be getting old! FINLAY will wrestle Lashley! God, they will be main eventing if anybody else gets hurt. Kendrick is wrestling Kid Kash- who had a 9 star bloodfest with Chris Hamrick in a high school gym in Waynesboro in 1994. So there is a good chance that past the WWE making money on the tape library, the ECW will make the WWE their only other money by stealing the Pitbulls gimmick. By completely ignoring the Pitbulls. Though Noble and Kash could start Superbombing anorexic skanky pseudo-strippers through tables next week. If they do, I'll eat a bug. JBL audibly stares a hole through Cole's skull for comparing JBL and Farooq's style to these two cruiserweight highflyers. Kendrick looks like Christopher Makepeace in Meatballs selling the lowgrade ass-beating- so I love this. GO WUDY! WUDY DA WABBIT! It takes two guys to do a Ghostbuster that looks 1/10th as cool as Koko B Ware's. But then again, I love Dick Murdock but his Brainbuster was 1/5th as good as Ware's. Koko B Ware fucking ruled. This was perfectly passable wrestling.
- There really is nothing better on the TV- now that Red Green is over with- better than KINGMOTHERFUCKING BOOKER! Booker isn't regal and kingly when taking guff from the commoner Chavo. Booker needs more British mat wrestlers around him to deal with the riffraff. Fly in Jim Breaks. HEY! CHAVO OUT OF RETIREMENT! They are running out of (I was going to say warm bodies but the hard truth of the last ten years....)
- Tag Diva ACTION!!! Oooo video pixilation launches a million viscuous loads onto a million unsuspecting gray sweatpants. BOOBIE MOOSHIN! It's like a bachelor party! Obese sexual predators at home fauntasize about chugging a Coors Lite as it cascades down between Jillian's heaving jugs. Probably. My wife is watching so I play everything off by explaining how Finlay trained them all before he got back in the ring. I'm a smooth motherfucker...
- The Miz stares at the chiseled muscles of Lashley The Man and also looks into the tender eyes of Lashley The Child. Miz felt stupid for having to sport such idiot hair and felt it undermined his penetration into the center of Lashley... OOO! The MATCH! MY UNITED STATES CHAMPION FIT MOTHERFUCKING FINLAY! Fit sez, "TAKE IT TO THE MAT!" and Lashley is pretty fucking kingsized at it. God, they are gonna go long after the Finlay stalling. Lashley has a perfectly fine elbow drop. Finlay with the SWEET Quarter Nelson pin attempt after the sweet short lariat. JBL tells Cole to go fuck himself for disparaging the fact that Finlay isn't American. YEAH, FUCK YOU, COLE. Finlay is deeply wrestling for two and he is prolly doing the round system of Psychology- the first round is on the mat, the second round is Lashley selling, the third round is Finlay brawling to the floor. Probably. Step-over Toehold! Finlay brings the wrestling holds and works the knee. Lashley is pretty fun fighting off the mat but they don't really dwell on it. Finlay uses Regal and little person interference to cut off Lashley's comeback and he goes back to the knee. Finlay is FUCKING GOD cutting off the second comeback with the takedown into a Stepover toehold. Lashley comes back again and Regal becomes ENRAGED at Lashley's amazingly shitty job of selling the knee. And we go to a dq. Lashley needs work. Lashley also doesn't have the DECENCY to cut his entire forehead open to get over Finlay's sheleighly shot. Fucker. MY CHAMPION RETAINS.
- Quebec! I love Quebec! Go to Molson Stadium. Get the only REAL poutine on earth. QUEBEC!
- Awesome! Gregory Helms. It's Super Crazzy wrestling Psicosis. Psic is fucking great. This match is perfectly fine with a truly SWEET finish.
- Vito shops for dresses in Texas. He pinned Misawa once. You will watch him sport a skirt with RESPECT, you cowfucking rubes.
- We can only hope Sharmelle goes over to the announcing table. JBL + KING BOOKER= THE GREATEST THING EVER. Sharmelle=345 concubines. SOLID MOTHERFUCKING GOLD. I love teh people of Corpus Christie actually touching and kissing the hand of their KING. Texas rules. And it's Rey Rey! AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand a commercial. Ah, KING OF QUEENS. Maybe I will enjoy gazing longingly at the buttocks of Leah Remini before I pass out into a bloated heap. Anyway, Sharmelle RULES pointing and laufing at Rey Rey getting abused by KING BOOKER. Booker brings weirdly fun offence to the proceedings- what with the snap suplex. Rey sells the assbeating like the best wrestler in the WWE who isn't Fit Finlay or Chris Benoit. "Eddy can't help you!" Ooo the heeling gets harder edged! Rey Rey stomps Booker's junk into his body cavity in the corner and there you go. Sharmelle CHEATS TO WIN! No Rey finds the ropes! CHAVO CHEATS TO WIN! And he does! EDDY! EDDY! EDDY! That was fun. Sharmelle RULES.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Kennedy is almost taller than Teddy Long. The only person who can pull that off as a heavyweight is Chris Benoit. And. Ya know. Uh. Not even close there, young Sparky. Plus he's getting that Scotty 2 Hotty Guy Cycling Down look going for him. How can you heat this up to where anyone would give a shit? Actually, I dug the actual sense of violence when Batista beat the shit out of Mark Henry with a chair. If he beats the living fuck out of Ken Kennedy with a chair, I will back his play one hundred percent. Yeah, I'd be into that.
- The NFL Season ticket commercial thingy is on. How did the Tennessee Titans get wrangled into being the NFL idea of the Mulkeys? "Hey, I'm beating the shit out of these jabrones! Turn the station to my brother Eli playin' a REAL team!" Oh right. Last season. And the season before.
- Khali. Schneider already pretty much encapsulated everything wrong with him in one sentence: "Khali really stinks though, when I can't buy a guy who legit caught a body as any kind of threat, you know something is wrong."
- Now That's What I Call Music! That I've never actually heard because I'm one thousand years old! I'm so old that my only frame of reference is that, "That all sounds like Pearl Jam." And I'm sure these all suck in a far more hip and nuanced manner. Back in MY DAY, we'd listen to the Jesus and The Marychains and it was GREAT and they would play one song four times and we LOVED it....
- The Miz is your MC of the Diva search and he seems like the aging fratboy who would still run a train on a fat girl but pray that she is too drunk to realize that he can't summon the ol Miz Monster like he used to. Then he would run off and cry and kick a door on a random car- wondering why he ever fucked up so bad with Ashley and how he got to this point. But anyway, the real question is: God, why would you put yourself through this humiliation when the far more less spirit-destroying internet gonzo porn industry is right there? You can text message your vote! If you can pry the phone out of your semen-coated hands! This is the worst thing I've ever seen. What music is this? They couldn't get LaGrange by ZZ Top or maybe "Sweet Child of Mine"? DOES THE WWE EVEN UNDERSTAND STRIPPERS?!?!? HOW CAN THAT BE?!?! But anyway, the real question is: Why would you subject yourself to this humiliation when IkeTurner is almost assuredly in need of a new wife? More Strutting. More odd cheerleader moves. Which makes it even MORE SAD. LOOK. THIS IS TRULY THE HOLLOW AND VENAL WORK OF SATAN WHEN YOU HAVE WOMEN DOING THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF CHEERLEADERS AND INSTEAD OF IT BEING ALLURING AND PANTS-BUSTING, IT JUST KINDA MAKES YOUR STOMACH CHURN AND YOUR TESTICLES ASCEND. FUCK YOU, WWE. IF YOU FUCK UP MY ON-GOING TENNIS FAUNTASY, I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, I'm COMING AFTER YOU WITH MY FUCKING CLAWS OUT. But anyway, the real question is: Why would you subject yourself to this humiliation when Stone Cold Steve Austin is backstage somewhere?
Michael Cole was really laying it on thick about Crystal being jealous of Ashley. Ahem. Why would she be, exactly? She's a thousand times better looking.
Sorry, I like Kennedy's intro as much as the next guy, but is a single person on Earth going to buy the Bash to see him face Batista. I admit I haven't watched in a couple weeks, but I must have missed something quite significant for Kennedy's stature to have risen to the point where he deserves this spot.
Hey, I loved the Diva Search segment for one reason (well, one other reason): Erica's nearly audible "Oh shit, I have to follow *that*?" expression after Layla tore it down.
And is "an island of tranquility in a truculent world" the worst catchphrase ever? I'm thinking yes.
"I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees." -- George W. Bush, Good Morning America, September 1, 2005
"President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale." -- Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, February 6, 2006
Originally posted by redsoxnationThe Comix Are Dead. Long Live The Workrate. And, comparing the Mulkeys to the Titans is wrong. I never saw Titanmania run wild in the manner that MulkeyMania encapsulated an entire generation.
THE MUSIC CITY MIRACLE! Before jobbing to the St Louis Rams. NFL so stole the NWA's booking ideas.
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN Now That's What I Call Music! That I've never actually heard because I'm one thousand years old! I'm so old that my only frame of reference is that, "That all sounds like Pearl Jam." And I'm sure these all suck in a far more hip and nuanced manner. Back in MY DAY, we'd listen to the Jesus and The Marychains and it was GREAT and they would play one song four times and we LOVED it....
We're back to regularly scheduled Impact! Taped from the Impact Zone in Orlando, FL. Eric Bischoff is out to start with highlights of No Surrender. He congratulates Anderson for his win and calls out Angle and Hardy.