Last Week: Shauwn Michaeuls convinced Juudy Baugwell to come out of retirement for just One More Match. “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson” helped some ducks. And Jium Rouss held down yet another up and coming star, this time Triuple H. Who will this egomaniac hold down…TONIGHT?!
Before we gets tarted, might I suggest to you that you check out my Blog (rawsatire.blogspot.com)? Let me know what you think.
Dauve is out, and he’s looking very GQ in his pink shirt. I guess they must have lost his other, more manly luggage at the airport. Well he’s got a mic anyway, and he’s going to…cut a promo. Great. THIS is just the thing the WWE needs to start out a show in their big market.
“Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson”: I am in ENGLAND! I just got done flying across the ocean and boy are my arms TIRED! But seriously FOLKS! You are a great CROWD! You could say that Wrestlemania was a smashing SUCCESS! Speaking of smashing, here is tonight’s host, Jium ROUSS!
Lame one liners and introductions? What the hell is Dauve now, the guy who hosts those crappy comedy specials on Comedy Central? Anyway, Goode Olde J.R. is out. He does not, however, have a mic. Dave gives him a big hug.
DBD: I am hugging YOU! I will continue to hug YOU! Does this make you UNCOMFORTABLE? Jium Rouss: Aw, shucks. DBD: You beat HUNTER! That means you’re the number one CONTENDER!
Before Dave can turn on J.R. in a SHOCKING SWERVE~!, Triuple H is out, and he’s not looking too good. What the hell is up with that purple shirt, dude? Did Steuphanie dress you? Or Niubblins? Or did I miss the memo?
Dear WWE Employee,
Sorry to bother you, old bean. Monday will be “Crazy Pastel Monday,” Please wear your “Craziest” pastel coloured shirt to RAW. Craziest shirt wins a prize (A trip for two to Calgary, Alberta Canada).
Pip, pip. Cheerio!
-WWE Human Resources
P.S. If you’ve received this memo in error, or have been recently fired, please disregard, as you are not eligible for the contest. If you’d like to be removed from further corporate mass mailings, send an e-mail with the subject heading, “You fired my no-talent ass so stop sending me e-mail,” to this address.
In Cameron, North Carolina…
Matt Hardy: Dammit! All the work of getting my cool muted yellow shirt cleaned and pressed, and now I find out I’m not even invited. Rhyno: Makes me want to friggin’ GORE SOMETHING! But I can’t, because I don’t want to ruin my lime shirt. It’s the only thing I have left! Molly Holly: I want nothing to do with any of you. Matt: Will you sleep with me? Molly: No! Matt: Why not? You slept with everybody else! Molly: I did not! I didn’t sleep with anybody. You’re thinking of Lita. Matt: What a twist of fate! My life is spinning out of control! Rhyno: Screw this! Gore GORE GORE!
Rhyno runs through a wall.
Jeff Hardy: Bye Kool-Aide Man! This segment requires more emoetry. Matt: Jeff, no. Molly: Let him express himself. Jeff:
In this moment We are lying Asleep on the floor Are these your socks Or mine, Lodged in my brain Imagi tells me Not to weep For I will Get no sleep I am awake While you all rot In your dreamland. Is it in my head Or is it 2Xtreme?
Molly: Ok, that was pretty awful. Matt: See what I’m dealing with here? I’m off to Japan. I’ll see you guys next week. Jeff: Will you put on this fake beard and this black lipstick and make out with me? Molly: No. Jeff: Is it because I’m…2Xtreme? Molly: Sure.
Back in Jolly Olde England….
Triuple H: I WAS going to come out here and bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show, but then I looked at the card, and a little part of me died on the inside. So instead of asking for more time for the matches to prevent ANOTHER longwinded meandering Batista promo, instead, I’m going to mention that at WWE Backwash, I’ll be taking on Dave one on one for the WWE World Title. DBD: I thought I was fighting JR! JR: Hell no! DBD: I am going to wear this cowboy HAT! NEIGH! NEIGH! I am a COWBOY! JR: Give that back this instant!
Dave and Triple H play keep away for a few minutes, before getting bored. Triple H leaves. JR cuddles his hat in the corner and cries.
DBD: I will be wrestling SUNDAY! Call your cable or Satellite PROVIDER! Or the BBC! Tell them you want more BRITCOMS! JR: Actually, I think they’re just “coms” here. DBD: England is FUNNY! I hate Dr. WHO!
That draws some boos. You have to admit though, Jium Neiudhart was a pretty awful choice to be Dr. Who next year. I mean, I don’t even think he has a diploma or anything.
Triush Strautus is at a restaurant. OMG HOT DATING SIM ACTION! Man, I wish RAW was in Japan this week. She’s waiting anxiously for Visceura.
Triush Strautus: Hey, waiter. Do you know where Visceura is? Waiter: …. TS: Come on. Waiter: …. TS: What the hell is wrong with you? Is it my boobies? Waiter: No, I’m not talking because I’m not actually British, and hearing my voice will totally ruin the affect of this segment. This scene was taped last week when we were still in America. However, we kind of have to lead the audience on to THINK we’re in Britain. The Voice of the Undertaker: An effect, might I add, which you totally just ruined. TS: Geez. Sorry. Waiter: Also, I’m not a member of SAG. TS: And thanks to the wonders of plastic surgery, I never will be. Viscera: Hey, baby girl. TS: Nice suit. What’d you do, kill a funeral procession and take up sewing? VC: Nah, girl. Daivari gave me the number for his tailor over at “Big and Small.” And I’m REAL big, if you get my drift. TS: Yeah, you sure are fat. VC: Baby girl, let me break it down for a minute. I will love you like no man ever has I’m gonna buy you a rose every day, and 365 roses on your birthday, I’m gonna take you home and rub sweet sweet oils into your back, and caress you all night long. I’m gonna buy you chocolates, my pumpkin pie, and I’m going have to freeze them, because you’re so hot, girl, you’re gonna melt them before I can even give them to you. I’m gonna fly around the world, baby doll, just to find the finest champagne that has ever touched your beautiful lips. Baby, I’m gonna….
Chrius Jeuricho v. Sylvaun Greunier (w/ Roub Counway)
According to Lilliaun Gaurcia this match is actually “Chrius Jeuricho v. La Resistance Member…uh…Whichever One Gets in the Ring First.” Greunier wins! The loser competition. In this epic struggle of wills, in what is quite possibly the most anticipated match of the year thus far, Chrius Jeuricho barely pulls out the win! After the match, Lau Resistaunce attacks Jeuricho, and you would think that Sheltoun Benjaumin would stay back and let it happen instead of running out for the save, but there ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH! After he makes the save, Sheltoun offers the “Hand of Friendship,” but Jeuricho gives him the “Push of Get Out of My Way,” and they brawl some more. Sheltoun wins the battle, but if the Law of Inverse Beatdowns Before PPV Matches has taught me anything, which it hasn’t, he’s going to lose the war.
Back to the restaurant….
Viscera: And I’m going to buy you a ham, a big old ham, girl. And we’re gonna sit on either side of it and without using our hands, we’re gonna eat that ham so hard, baby, so hard that it’s gonna make a mess all over the table and, baby when I…. Waiter: Can I take your order? Trish Stratus: Anything but ham. Waiter: Might I suggest a soup and salad for the lady? TS: Sure. Waiter: And for the sir? VC: …and I’m gonna wrap you up tight in cotton candy, my sugar bee, and I’m going to lick it all off, until there’s nothing left but the delicious paper cone. Then, oh you’ll like this one girl, I’m gonna dip your feet in marshmallow, and I’m gonna build a nice toasty fire…. TS: Just pull up a trough. Waiter: Ah yes, the Big Show Special. I’ll be right back.
Chrius Tiaun is with Tysoun Toumko. Riuc Flauir flies into view.
Riuc Flauir: WOO! I’m going to take Prince Chaurles’ old lady for a ride on Space Mountain FAT BOY! WOO! Chrius Tiaun: What the hell do you want? RF: Simple, Mr. Tiaun. I want the Jade Monkey! CT: It belongs in a museum! RF: I BELONG IN A MUSEUM! WOO! CT: Wait…I don’t have the jade monkey. What is this really about. RF: Triuple H wants you to beat Bautista. CT: Um…ok. RF: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ.
Chrius Tiaun is out with Tysoun Toumko and their man Goautee. What the hell are they going to talk about?
Chius Tiaun: It’s good to be here in England! You know, Triuple H has been talking about how great his move the Pedigree is, but I was thinking. I’ve got a great move too! The Unprettier! Right, Toumko? Tysoun Toumko: …. CT: What do you mean, “The Unprettier is STILL a stupid name for a move.” I mean, yeah, “Unpretty” came out in 1999, and it doesn’t make any sense anymore because I’m not wrestling in TLC matches ever week, but…Damn. That move DOES suck. No way I’m ever going to beat Bautista now. I hope I get drafted to Smackdown so I can hide my flaws!
Kaune: I really like this pick. Here’s his profile!
Name: Chris Tian Height: 6 foot 2 Weight: 235 pounds From: Toronto, Ontario, Canada Lift: No Fatties 40-Time: Can Drink one in about 2 minutes, 15 seconds. Vertical: Dude, I said 6’2”, do you need me to draw you a map? Or is this some kind of hint that you want it in “meters”. I don’t know…like, two, right?
Career Hightlights: Once ate an entire sofa cushion…3-Time WWE Intercontinental Breakfast…Once teamed with Gangrel
Positives: Small enough to fit into most overhead compartments, but big enough that your main eveners don’t look stupid fighting him…Will voraciously attacks sofa cushions without warning, causing fear in your enemies upholstery…Can drink up to five times his body weight in cod liver oil…Comes prepackaged with good entrance music…Decent sack production sure to go up after he learns how to sew together sacks…The perfect fit for a brand looking for a solid run stuffer, if you know what I mean…I’m sorry, that last one was really bad, but Christ, this guy isn’t going to be picked until, like, the seventh round…NOBODY CARES!
Negatives: Oh, I don’t know…He could probably stand to lose some weight…Needs more Kane…A drunk.
Kaune is so excited that he lights Lilliaun on fire and then goes for the Goautee. Toumko tries to save his face in peril, but to no avail. Tiaun looks distraught. I guess he didn’t need more Kane after all.
Mauria Tennysoun Luund is standing by with Liuta….
Mauria Tennysoun Luund: Mauria Tennysoun Luund here, and I’m standing by with Liuta, and Liuta, I really love what you’ve done with your hair. Liuta: Really? Thanks. I’ve been doing a few things different, you know? Teasing it, washing it…You’d be surprised how far a little of this conditioner I bought from Target will go. MTL: It’s very red. Red things are pretty. How does that make you feel? LT: Good…I guess? Aren’t we going to talk about Kaune’s match? MTL: Oh, sorry. We’re all out of time. LT: Wait, Wh….
Outside a door that says “Evolution”….
Chrius Tiaun: The hell? Who is it? Huunter, Flauir and Niubblins? Ric Flair: The master is sleeping, what do you want? CT: Tomko’s on fire, and I’ve still got a match. What do you think I want? RF: …? CT: I’m here selling Girl Scout cookies.
Flauir retreats inside. A sleepy looking Triuple H walks out.
Triuple H: I’ll take a case of Thin Mints.
Iroun Cheuf Wreusting Chrius Mausters v. Nouted (?) Briutish Cheuf Jauime Ouliver In a 1,000 Pounds of Bangers and Mash Cooking Challenge
It’s funny, but I actually had bangers and mash one time in Las Vegas. It wasn’t quite what I expected. Sausage and Potatoes for those of you unBritishized out there. I have also had Bubbles and Squeak, Fish and Chips, and London Broil. I feel so cultured right now. What the hell is it with you Brits and potatoes though? Now that I think about it though, the “Paul London Broil” would be an excellent name for a restaurant. This match gets me thinking, is Iron Chef status transferable across continents? I don’t think it its. Therefore I declare this match never to have taken place. Mausters wins by…forfeit. Nah. A winner is you.
Coach has to down a whole six pack of “Orange You Glad this Isn’t Banana” Stacker 2, but he’s made it all the way back to America to interview Shawn Michaels and Judy Bagwell.
Jonathan Coachman: Jonathan Coachman standing by with Shawn Michaels and Judy Bagwell, and guys, I’ve gotta wonder, can the two of you even figure out which one of you will get the pinfall and take credit for the win? Shawn Michaels: I will, of course. Judy Bagwell: I thought we decided I would, because it might be my last match, brother. HBK: Come on, you’re friggin’ Judy Bagwell. Don’t you think the one of us who was an actual wrestler should get credit? JB: What are you talking about? I’m an ICON, Dude! HBK: Sure, lady. Whatever you say. Buff Bagwell: Who wants to see Buff’s boobies?! JB: Put those away, Brooke. I mean, Buff. I mean, Brother. No. Buff. JC: I think the Coach is turning gay! Mean “Gene” Oakerlund: Let me handle this one, kid. Will the team of Judy Bagwell and Shawn Michaels collapse? Plus, which hot young WWE Superstar is headed for greener pastures in TNA? And what is the mystery behind Buff Bagwell’s chest implants, the answer may surprise you! Call the WCW hotline right now! Kids get your parent’s permission before calling! JB: Whatchu Gonna do when the team of Judy Bagwell and Shawn Michaels run wild on YOUUUU?!
Judy rips off her shirt and flexes.
HBK: Oh gross! Bleeeeeearg! MGO: Come to daddy! WOOO! Shane McMahon: Shawn, for wearing that great Robin’s Egg Blue mirror vest, the WWE is proud to give you these free tickets to Calgary, Alberta to be used any time. HBK: Ack. This day just went from bad to worse!
Back in England, the WWE Divas Who Don’t Wrestle Action Squad has assembled in the ring.
Chriustie Heumme: Hi. We’re out here to prance about! Sluutcy Keibleur: Yea Verily! I skipped through many a glade this day. Booubsy McTitsalout: Hi! I’m Booubsy! Joush Mautthews: Joush Mautthews here, and I’m standing by to introduce these Random British Girls! Spourty: Oi! Weah the Spoice Guhls! Scaury: Yeah and weah commin’ back atcha! Bauby: Ah new single, “No, Seriously Tell Us What You Want, We’re All Out of Money” drops May 18th! Ginger: So go aht and boi it, guvnah! Mauria Teunnyson Luund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with the Spice Girls, and girls, I’ve gotta ask, where’s Poush? Spourty: She’s too busy rubbin’ Becks’ wanker in ‘er jubblies. Scaury: ZiggaZigaha!
Here’s Williaum Regaul and Taujiri….
Williaum Regal: ‘ello girls. Got a fag do you? Oh, I’m just kidding, Josh. Seriously though, I’ve got a book coming out. I know. I can’t believe it either. I also hear there’s a women’s model wrestling federation opening up here. That’s a project I can get behind! Now let’s party!
Stopping them is…Sting? Eh. Better than Bono. Oh, wait. It’s Muhaummed Haussan and Khousrow Dauivari. Haussan lays out a challenge and Regal accepts. Oh boy! A match!
Williaum Regaul and Augury (w/ Like, A Million Girls) v. Muhaummed Haussan and Khousrow Dauivari In What is Most Certainly Not, No Matter How Many Times Canadian Bulldog Will Try To Tell You Otherwise, a Survivor Series Match
This is not a Survivor Series match. Oops. Hold that thought.
Eh. Drop the thought. Don’t litter though. Dauivari has his pimpin’ rug here. Awesome. He is not, however, wearing any form of pastel shirt. No wonder he didn’t win the contest. Regaul gets a huge pop every time he so much as touches his ass. Taujiri, amazed at the presence of actual opponents this week, tags Regaul in so that he can suss things out. While Taujiri is distracted, Haussan and Dauivari double team Regal, and Dauivari nails a leg drop from the top rope (take THAT Hogan! I mean Bagwell!) to pin Regaul. The crowd is…deeply offended. A riotous mob storms the ring and attacks, but Haussan and Dauivari escape. Due to their failure to control the fans, next time, the WWE will have to play in front of an empty arena. Which would have happened anyway, but nobody tell them that. So if he brought out the carpet, why didn’t he use it for the OMG MAGIC CARPET RIDE~!? What was he hiding in there? Chaurlie Hauss?
Back to the restaurant!
Trish Stratus: You ate the whole trough. Viscera: …and if you are ever having a bad day, girl, I’ll lay you down across a bed of rose petals and cover your body in the best perfumes money can buy, and I’ll massage you wherever it aches. And girl, if you ever need somebody to talk to, Vis is here, baby, I’ll listen to whatever you have to say. My mind won’t wander, girl, because you are the most important person in the world to me. I’ll listen all night long while I feed you bon bons and the finest wine, because you are my delicate lotus flower, honey child…. TS: Can we go now? VC: just tell Big Vis, and I’ll go to the ends of the earth to give you whatever you need, baby girl. The finest seal skin purse, the hottest fashions from India, the best silk scarves of China, whatever my little flower needs to keep her happy, I’m there for you baby girl…. TS: Cuz, I think I’ve had about enough of this salad…. VC: …you’re ever feeling down about life, I’ll lick your ass so hard…. TS: Wait, what?
Seaun Could Vaul Veunis v. Eudge
Either Vaul negotiated a release from Heat, or he’s out for revengance on Eudge for cheating on his sister with his ex-wife on whom he cheated with Liuta. Vaul goes up top to hit the Money Shot, but Eudge is quicker, nailing every finisher ever on poor Vaul. Back down the card with you. Chrius Benouit comes out because at least ONE of those finishers was his, and they brawl before Eudge escapes. But where’s the briefcase? Oh no! Vaul has it! Vaul Veunis is the new number one contender!!
Jonauthan Coauchman: Man…That YJStinger is doing a number on my system. Triuple H: For tonight’s show, I’m going to play the part of Tysoun Toumko. Riuc Flauir: And WOO! I’m going to be Maurk Yeauton! Chrius Tiaun: And I’ll be Triuple H. HHH: …. JC: Oh, he’s good! RF: That’s why he’s…The…Champ? WOO! CT: Fine. I’ll be lame old Chrius Tiaun. Sigh. HHH: …. JC: I get to be WWE Smackdown Referee Briaun Heubner? Awesome!
Coauch runs around the room throwing things and breaking lamps.
HHH: ….. JC: Oh…WWE RAW Referee EUARL Heubner. Sorry.
Back at the restaurant….
Viscera: I’m a Man on a Mission, Trish. I’ve got a duty to please your booty. Trish Stratus: That’s gross. VC: I can’t help who I am, baby girl. I’m just asking you to accept me into your heart. Flaws and all. TS: I can’t deny, you have a certain charm about you. I’ll tell you what. Beat Kane at Backwash, and we’ll see about all this. Until then, let me give you a little taste of the action.
Then they have sex on the table.
Coauch is wearing a referee outfit. The crowd chants, “You Shagged Breut!” Well…They’ll get the hang of it eventually.
Chrius Tiaun (w/ Triuple Toumko, The Beaurd, and The Nauture Buoy Maurk Yeauton) v. “Dauve” Bautista “Dauvidson” With Special Guest Referee WWE RAW Refereee Jonauthan “The Coauch” Heubner for the WWE World Heavyweight Title
Triuple H does his duty and stands behind Chrius Tiaun and claps slowly as he makes his entrance. Dauve seems non-plussed about all the extra people in this match. I don’t know how you can stare down a loaded Nauture Buoy and not be a little scared. It’s the reason I avoid the ocean. That and the fact that I live nowhere near an ocean. But over there in England, Dauve’s surrounded by nothing but Nauture Buoys. It’s Buoy city. The combatants lock up, but Tiaun bails to go get a backrub from his corner man. Triuple H is not impressed. What? Toumko would have totally done it. Tiaun settles for a hug. What is it? National Hug a Midcarder or Announcer Day?
Man, that ad for Judgement Day totally spoiled the main event. Hey, if you’re going to be going to that by the way, and wanted to stop by and say hello, shoot me an e-mail. Whatever I can do to avoid thinking about this match. Triuple H and the Buoy get involved, but Coauch can’t get Dauve to stay down for the three. Maybe Tiaun should try for the “Unprettier”. God, what a crappy name for a finisher. What happened to “The Waterfalls”. Now, see, THERE is a finisher name. Huunter and Flauir bail on the segment to go play Bubble Bobble, leaving poor Coauch to get punched and Chrius to get an OSPREY BOMB TO TIAUN~! Dauve counts the three himself using Coauch’s face. Eh…Close enough. Dave wins!
OH SHOCKING SWERVE~! Flauir forgot his NES at home (plus it wouldn’t have worked with these plugs anyway), so he and Triuple H return to the ring! Riuc eats a spinebuster, but Huunter sneaks in from behind with the PEDIGREE TO DAUVE~! HHH celebrates this victory, until it suddenly dawns on him that this basically ensures a Bautista win at the PPV. He tries to revive Dauve and get him to hit him with a spinebuster or Osprey Bomb, but it’s the end of the show! Too bad, Huunter!
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday: The WWE forces poor Eudge to pack up all the extra “U”s, giving him more motivation to take out Benouit for that Shirt Sleeve and find Vaul Veunis. Viscera sings a love ballad to His Darling Trish, causing the audience to throw trash at him, as they think he is Reuban Studdard. And the WWE Revels in the Success of the Wrestlemania Buyrate by booking 14 Straight PPVs headlined by Bautista v. Triuple H. Poor Eudge again! And Poor Vaul!
(edited by Excalibur05 on 26.4.05 1057) Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
*************** Trish Stratus: Anything but ham. *************** VC: …you’re ever feeling down about life, I’ll lick your ass so hard…. TS: Wait, what? ***************
Thaut Trisherau daute recaup waus greaut!
(edit for Ye Olde English)
(edited by whatever on 26.4.05 1024) "Lita holds a Stone Cold Steve Austin home pregnancy test. What will the Bottom Line say? “Hell Yeah” or “Eh-EH”?" - Raw Satire, 6/15/04 (Apparantly ours said "Hell Yeah", 03/08/05)
Originally posted by Excalibur05Williaum Regaul and Augury (w/ Like, A Million Girls) v. Muhaummed Haussan and Khousrow Dauivari In What is Most Certainly Not, No Matter How Many Times Canadian Bulldog Will Try To Tell You Otherwise, a Survivor Series Match
This is not a Survivor Series match. Oops. Hold that thought
No, no, no -- the four Diva Bimbos versus the four Other Bimbos: That was the Survivor Series match I meant! Dude... you just no-sold my joke!!!
"The Cynical Wrestling Weekly Recap.” Bah-ha! My thoughts on RAW for those who missed: RAW April 7, 2003 -Woman's match didn't do it for me. If the crowd doesn't get behind it, I don't care if it's Flair/Steamboat, it isn't fun to watch.