We are joined in progress (on a TAPED show?!?), with THE LEGION OF DOOM standing in the crowd, shrieking about Wrestlemania and Chicago. They intend to be at the Granddaddy of them All, but they’ve got some stiff competition to crack to break into that lineup; what with the New Blackjacks, Flash Funk, The Sultan, and The Headbangers all vying for spots of their own. The star power has never been stronger headed into Wrestlemania!
VINCE MCMAHON roars us into the wild, wild Shotgun Saturday Night, hyping HUGE moments on the way, such as the debut of Miguel Perez! Unlike Savio Vega, Miguel IS Puerto Rico! JIM CORNETTE joins him in the announce booth.
CRUSH and SAVIO VEGA (with PG-13, D’Lo Brown, and a Well Dressed Man) vs. GOLDUST and MIGUEL PEREZ
Perez and Vega immediately take to throwing haymakers at each other, because when you accuse a man of NOT being Puerto Rico, you cross a line! Perez continues to sport a carpet on his back that would make Albert jealous. Eventually, the PR war settles down, and we’re left with Goldust and Crush. Goldust seems to take a particular fascination to punching Crush in the face, and I’m left to wonder if he’s trying to cop a feel at the penis drawn on Crush’s head. Perez heads back in, and with Vega on the outside, he’s able to connect on a tope con hilo! Back in, Vega fights off the Brillo pad and tags in the dick head. A belly to belly is delivered with some trash talk – but even though words hurt, it only gets 2. Crush sends Miguel to the floor, where Vega happily throws him into the ringsteps. Crush tries a pin, and Vega even slyly kicks Perez’s leg off the ropes, but the referee catches him in the act and gives him a stern scolding. Perez goes for a sunset flip, but that just sets Crush off, stomping away like a Thwomp block. Vince, sensing this might never end, calls for a commercial.
McMahon’s intuition is strong, and we return with Crush hitting a nice spike piledriver for 2. Vega and Crush start trading quick, illegal tags, which Cornette applauds. Perez tries to show a little fire, but a huge right hand from Vega knocks him back on his hairy, hairy ass. Crush hits a powerslam and drops the leg, but his ego takes over, pulling Miguel up at 2. That costs him, because on the follow up, Perez hits a DDT and makes the hot tag to Goldust. A really contrived double noggin knocker is delivered, and everything breaks down into an all out brawl. As the referee works to keep Perez on the apron, Crush nails Goldust with a chair, and Vega’s limp body is dropped on Goldust for the pin at 10:42. Miguel Perez grabs the chair and wallops both guys over the skull because he’s a poor sport. Still, sportsmanship or not, Perez managed to keep this out of the negative stars, which makes him a modern day Ric Flair against Savio Vega. *
After about 15 minutes of re-hashing all the ECW action from Monday, KEVIN KELLY welcomes THE UNDERTAKER to the ring to discuss his impending title shot at WrestleMania. Taker insists that the show be referred to as “WrestleMania the 13th” moving forward, which draws gasps and oooooh’s from the production truck. He says for years he’s represented causes instead of championships, but the creatures of the night have called to him, and they want the belt. No matter what Sid is prepared to dish out, he can take it and more. Fairly sure Sid called Taker’s bluff on that point.
HENRY O. GODWINN (with Phineas I. Godwinn) vs. BLACKJACK BRADSHAW (with Blackjack Windham)
Given this was taped the same night as RAW, would it have killed them to trot out, say, Taz, to flatten some random jobber instead of this? I realize you’ve gotta take care of your own, but when you’ve literally got a choice of Blackjacks and Godwinns, maybe you call an audible. After nearly 2 minutes of gruelling action, both guys are lying around the mat, playing dead after a vertical suplex. They eventually stagger up, hit simultaneous clotheslines, and Vince begs for a commercial.
Henry is mid-powerslam when we return, and gets 2. Cornette urges Henry to finish this soon, since Bradshaw allegedly has better stamina – at least according to locker room snitch Brian Christopher. Godwinn hits the Slop Drop, but Windham breaks up the pin. Phineas protests, so the referee turns his attention to calming him down, and the Blackjacks make an illegal switch. Henry, dumb as a post, never notices, and he walks right into a small package from Windham at 4:37. Windham immediately rolls out, slaps on a hat, and the referee never notices the difference … until INSTANT REPLAY allows him to reverse the decision! It was a fair oversight, given the only physical differences between the two are age, 40 pounds, height, and completely different faces. The Blackjacks are ANGRY, and … walk right into a beating from the Godwinns. Go away, all of you. DUD
Before we leave, Vince once again sends out his heart to his significant other who is currently recuperating from a series of traumatic, but still unknown issues … TELL ME A LIE, SHAWN MICHAELS, AND SAY THAT YOU WON’T GO! At this point, I’m convinced they’ve just got this running on a loop to see how far over the edge they can push Bret Hart.
One more reminder that this Monday is the finals of the European Title tournament, NONE of which we’ve seen on TV to this point – but apparently the Bulldog and Owen Hart will be squaring off. Guess we’re not saving that one for Mania; but it COULD trigger the end of their relationship for good if things go sour.
Kick of FEAR - An exaggerated recounting of professional wrestling's network of B-shows and colorful jobbers.
Six more episodes, including four more eliminations, possibly 12 more challenges (because they're doing 2 a week for no good reason except to kill time rather than book an extra match each week), and a wedding.