WWE VELOCITY WORKRATE REPORT – 1/10/04 (by PHIL RIPPA)
Football ruled my weekend so I only now really getting around to all the WWE F level shows. However, for you, the gentle reader, I will include some bonus Confidential coverage too.... thanks mainly to the comical way my TIVO records Velocity (though I think Spike TV’s inability to actual fit a show into its proper viewing window is more at fault). Let’s burn through this... Heat will come at some point in time.
WHAT WORKED Jason Sehorn’s comical attempts at coverage... sorry, still giddy about that
Funaki is your #1 Velocity worker and the match against Rhyno was easily MOTN. The body vice rules all our fucking worlds. Funaki was a man and sold it like his pancreas was being pushed out his spine (unlike someone else on the show). Funaki chopped out of that and that transitioned to that there chop exchange that I enjoyed. Funaki’s hope spots were all believable. I guess the Velocity story is that Funaki can always get the flash rollup but not actually get the win against his larger opponents. Fuck, I love all of Rhyno’s offense – besides the Body Vice – with the nifty looking belly-to-belly and the spinebuster. This will always work.
Booker T had possibly the greatest – and first – dreadlock mullet working during the making of Piledriver: The Sequel.
The World’s Greatest Tag Team vs. Spanky/London makes it to this of the column though I really have no clue why. There was lots of failing about and Shelton really should never throw a punch. Spanky had amazingly disturbingly tiny tights. They had some nice ideas in theory but the execution was off (HEY! Just like communism) – the most glaring example was the surfboard thingy. It was probably the finish that got it here, as I like Shelton’s superkick.
WHAT DIDN’T WORK HOLY FUCK! Why didn’t someone tell me that Paul Roma started wrestling again? You would think someone like Meltzer or Wade or Al Isaacs would have been all over this.... what’s that? THAT IS BILLY KIDMAN???? I didn’t realize rehab meant becoming jakked out of your mind. Good Lord. The gas distracted me and then there was the fucked up slide out of the ring and I was figuring that this had no chance at being good. Then Sakoda started working on the arm and Kidman was wrestling as a one armed man and I wasn’t drifting off to sleep. Yeah, this is going to work. Then came the Fujiwara armbar that Kidman sold as if he was waiting to get into It’s A Small World After All and my hatred came – came like the thunder... or something.
I guess the Rikishi tune is going to be the closest to Jive Soul Bro but it won’t be so it will suck. I laughed and laughed at the overproduction on Stacy Keibler’s track. I think Okerlund was shooting when he was talking about people not expecting much from the CD.
That Matt Morgan. Not so good.
I wonder how long it took Val Venis to regain his composure after they told him that he needed to pimp the Hennig/Von Erich match.
Football ruled my weekend so I only now really getting around to all the WWE F level shows. However, for you, the gentle reader, I will include some bonus Confidential coverage too.... thanks mainly to the comical way my TIVO records Velocity (though I think Spike TV’s inability to actual fit a show into its proper viewing window is more at fault
Actually, it's a WWE thing. For whatever reason, they bleed the main event of Velocity over into the first couple minutes of Confidental every week. Saves on cutting down video packages, I guess.
You're lucky you're not doing this back when Heat was on MTV and would bounce around with random 2 minute early/2 minute late starts.
Then came the Fujiwara armbar that Kidman sold as if he was waiting to get into It’s A Small World After All and my hatred came
They really shouldn't have aired that first becuase it killed me for the show. CODE RED! YOU DO NOT LEISURELY SELL CODE RED
Done? Good. You sure? OK, then. With WrestleMania but 130,740 seconds away, 'tis time for me to place my picks on the great register of the Weinerboard, and then to hide myself from the world (not the restaurant)