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The W - Guest Columns - [WWE] Velocity #81 - 12/20/03
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Since: 10.12.01
From: Aurora, IL

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On W tonight: Because there ought to be some reason for me doing this on Saturday

Conversational Spanish, readable Arabic and, if I truly played my cards right, some lovely French: My guesses to what languages I could've learned in the time I took to write recaps of all these WWE shows this year. This doubles as a handy way to go through all WWE shows (that I put links to, duh) in order by date, rather than having to flip back and forth through my ugly named index pages. I'm begging someone to click on one of the post-12/21 shows and ask me why they link doesn't work.

tv 14 dlv cc entertainment open josh tries his catchphrease

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Tajiri (Japan, 208 pounds, w/o friends?) vs Paul London (195 pounds, Spanky's music) - Let's Go Back To The #1 Contenders Match. I guess that's why this is a non-title match. Your announcers are Bill, Josh and that guy's signs - oooooh, they got yelled at by security. London lost his fake home town, I guess. Those guys aren't here because they have match, and he's not here because he has a match. Actually, I bet you had a one in three shot of guessing that Spanky will be taking on Johnny the Bull before Bill even said it. Lookat the belt. Brian Hebner is your ref. Circle. Lockup, Tajiri with a waistlock, Paul out into a wristlock, reversed into his own by Tajiri, London falls to his back and kips up to escape, but Tajiri throws him back down by the hair. Tajiri mocks the yelling about hair pulling and shoves London's head. London takes this personally - forearm, forearm, forearm, whip, reversed, slide under, kick catch flip (Tajiri is surprised), London turns a clothesline into a crucifix rollup. Tajiri with a kick, slam - no, London slips up and over into a sunset flip one two Tajiri kicks free. London with forearms, whip, reversed, London kip up headscissors. Spinning back elbow at close range one two no. Suplex - no, Tajiri slips behind, forearm to the back, setting for it, kick to the back. One two NO. Stomp. Stomp. Knee in the back chinlock. London tries to fight to his feet, but he's stomped down. Whip, London tries to slide between Tajiri's legs, but Tajiri stops the slide, sites on the back and pounds the back of his neck. CAMEL CLUTCH! Tajiri really pulling it in, and right in the middle of the ring. Josh says "soften up for the Tarantula" but I'm kinda half hoping London will tap out here. Tajiri's taking time off the slap the back of London's head occasionally, and it looks like it's going to hurt him. The grip loosen, London tries standing up, Tajiri piggybacked, and runs him back firs tin the corner. London takes a few steps out of the corner to breath, then charges - right into the Tarantula. Bill's all over the lower back work. Tajiri with a sitting pin one two no. Forearm to the back, Tajiri pulls out a German Suplex for the first time in forever just so London can land on his feet, dropsault. It's good thing he flips there so he didn't land on his back, though London is down and grabbing it anyway. Both up at about the same time, London ducks a clothesline, clothesline of his own. Clothesline, climb up enziguri one two NO. London calls for the forearm - running corner charge is backdropped to the apron but London stands and delivers from there anyway. Double jump springboard moonsault one two NO. Did we ever decide what London's solo finisher was? Tajiri was right near the ropes there but I he couldn't find them with his legs. Another forearm, another whip, Tajiri back with the handspring elbow and London doesn't move. Tajiri covers one two no. Calling for it - Buzzsaw Kick is ducked, London grabs him from behind in a double chicken wing and drops him forward with a face first powerbomb (Josh: "Waffle Face!" - I guess we did figure a finish and I forgot!) but his back is hurting and he's slow to cover one two NO! Crowd into it a bit less than I. London going up once more - missile dropkick to Tajiri's back. Falling on Tajiri to cover one two NO. Back is killing London. London goes to pick up Tajiri but, Tajiri breaks free and gets the ropes. London turns to grab him, and gets a reverse thrust kick. Setting up for it, and London isn't gonna move this time - Buzzsaw Kick. One two three. (5:33) Will this be Rey Mysterio's fate at [date unspecified as of yet]!

Tonight: Akio and Sakoda vs Ultimo Dragon and Funaki Kidman
Up Next: Highlights from the Fatal Four Way

SmackDown! Live Footage. (1:00)
SmackDown! Fatal Fourway Tag Team Title match + turning point (he figured Doug splashing Chavo and getting the pin was pretty important.) (3:17)

Tonight: Akio and Sakoda vs Ultimo Dragon and Kidman

Remlington low blow of Last Thursday

Matt Morgan (Fairfield, CT, 340 pounds) vs SmackDown #1 Announcer Funaki (Japan, 205 pounds) - that is a lean 340. Josh tells us not to count out Funaki yet, and since the match hasn't actually started yet, I guess he's got a point. Funaki is very tentative coming into the ring. Josh's Matt Morgan background is that he was an All-American basketball player in high school, played at Chaminade (those two facts don't seem to work together) and has a 38 inch vertical leap. Bill: "What does that have to with Sports Entertainment?" Morgan corners Funaki, so Funaki tries a lockup - no, thrown into the corner. Morgan tries a punch, Funaki ducks out under it, right, right, Morgan stops that with a goozle. Funaki breaks out and punches more, but a knee will stop here. Whip, Funaki grabs ropes and pulls them down as Morgan charges at him and out. Sliding dropkick barely budges Morgan. Morgan back in, Funaki running for his life out of the ring ring, in the ring, into the boot. Perhaps Funaki should've through this through better. Slam. Josh: "[reading off prepared card, surely] Matt Morgan is like a blueprint of what a professional wrestler is supposed to be!" Bill: "What is that supposed to mean? Funaki's not a professional wrestler?" Standing choke. Josh: "You got a problem with Matt Morgan?" Bill: "I got a problem with you saying Matt Morgan is a blueprint for all wrestlers." Josh: "You need to take up that problem with Matt Morgan!" Yea, Bill will get right on telling him not to be a blueprint. Standing half crab - while it kinda looks neat, by standing up, Matt doesn't appear to be doing much more than holding Funaki upside down. Josh: "Matt Morgan beat Vince Carter, Kevin Garnett and Elton Brand in pickup basketball games". Bill points out how everyone knows who Vince Carter is and yet, no one knows Matt. They're never going to bring up Tough Enough. Bill is all about not believing the hype here, (even going as far as not being impressed by Morgan beating up Funaki!) which is odd because he's a heel and he's a heel. Morgan hit a corner whip and clothesline thing in here. Choke on the middle rope. Some more. Charge, no, Funaki with a cross body, Morgan catches, Funaki slips down his back, kick to the back of Morgan's knee, off the ropes, dropkick to the had, one two big kickout. Big clothesline and Funaki may be out. Morgan's done, I hope. Thumb across the throat? You're not Benoit. Powerbomb, Funaki trying to punch out of it, 'rana is blocked, Morgan flings Funaki back up and hits a spinning sit down powerbomb one two three. (2:45) Josh tries getting over "the Blueprint" as a nick name some more.

Still to come: Hardcore Holly never smiles.
Tonight: Akio & Sakoda vs Ultimo Dragon & Billy Kidman

SmackDown Live!
12/30 - Laredo, TX [SD!]
01/03 - Glendale, AZ [Road to WMXX]
01/04 - Albuquerque, NM [Road to WMXX]
01/05 - Nashville, TN [Road to WMXX]
01/06 - Huntsville, AB [SD!]

BOD beatdown on Benoit

Johnny Stamboli (w/o the others) vs Spanky (Olympia, WA, 181 pounds) - no seconds on Velocity tonight. Spanky slides in, goes face to face with Johnny, and gets shoved down by the face. Lockup, Johnny cranking on a headlock, bell gets run. Spanky shots off Johnny, back with a shoulderblock. Johnny talks trash about the height difference. Johnny waiting for Spanky to get up, lockup, headlock. Spanky elbowing out, shot off, Johnny has some issues walking over Spanky's drop down, Spanky tries to improvise on the next trip by trying a drop toe hold, Johnny is innovative (but not a good way) by just going to one knee, Spanky frantically waves and yells at Johnny to do something to get them out of this awkward looking situation, and Johnny chokes him. I guess that works. Knee and Spanky thrown out. Spanky fixes the wedgie Johnny put in his tights and comes back - right, right, right, whip, Johnny grabs the rope and rolls out. Spanky reaches for Johnny, Johnny grabs at him, but neither gets the other. Johnny thinks (doesn't take long) and comes back in. Charge - hey, that's how you take a drop toe hold! Back on track, Spanky turns Johnny over and drops an elbow on the inside of the left knee. Stomp for the left knee, throwing the leg down, putting on a leg scissors on the left leg and punching it - well, Johnny's got the idea and doesn't like it, so he punches the back of Spanky's head to get free. Both get to their feet - no, Spanky with a single leg to take Johnny back down, falling headbutt to the knee! Punches in bunches to the knee - Johnny manages to fight his way free again. Both up, and Spanky takes him back down again with a dropkick. Johnny's pulled over to the ropes. Spanky with a bottom rope (!) springboard elbow drop on the bad knee. Bottom rope springboard kneedrop on the left knee. Spanky pulls Johnny back in the middle. Time for a submission move? Spanky looks to be setting up the figure four before Johnny kicks him off into the corner, Spanky meeting the post shoulder first. Johnny goes outside while Spanky is still there, and yanks Spanky's arm into the post as Johnny drops to the floor. Johnny back in, short clothesline. Delayed cover, one two no. Arm smashed into the mat. Johnny picking up Spanky, but Spanky's punching his way out. Johnny manages to catch an arm and drop it into an armbar takedown onto this knee. Step over sit down on his shoulder. Press slam - Johnny's showing no problem with his legs now - and Spanky is dropped chest first on the top rope. Spanky yanked off to the mat by the left arm, cover one two no. Kneeling armbar. Spanky fighting out of the hold with  a kick form the mat. Punch, chop, Johnny's knee trumps all. Spanky run shoulder first into the corner. Josh is going to watch SmackDown! with Bill's mom. Johnny charges Spanky in the corner and gets a back elbow, back elbow, Johnny charges out, Spanky ducks, big boot to Johnny's head. Charging corner forearm, off the ropes, spinning headscissors. Jumping back elbow, ducking the clothesline and hitting a leg lariat one two NO. Corner whip,  no Johnny breaks it and then does his own corner whip, Spanky kips up and out but arm pain prevents him from following up. Johnny with a kick, pulling spinning Impact DDT one two three. (4:52) I guess he forgot about the ForgetAboutIt

Up Next: All or Nothing for Hardcore Holly

Turns out? All. (11:03)

Up Next: Akio & Sakoda vs Ultimo Dragon & Billy Kidman - oooh, Bill called him Ultimate again

This Thursday: John Cena vs the Big Show (non-title, apparently)
Kurt Angle in Iraq (:26)

Akio & Sakoda (Japan, 451 pounds) vs thug life Billy Kidman (Allentown, PA, 215 pounds) and Ultimo Dragon (Nagoya, JP, 185 pounds) - Akio wears a shirt. Sakoda does not. I was sure they were going to give the second team just Kidman's entrance but I guess that Ultimo still gets his own (and last!) means something. Like they paid for the pyro in advance? I dunno. While Josh is smart enough to remember that these guys played a big part in Kidman not winning the Cruiserweight Title once again, Kidman is smart enough not to get in the ring alone. To start - Ultimo and Akio, okay. Circle. Lockup, Ultimo with waistlock, takedown, kip rolls into an armbar, into a waistlock, Ultimo with a forward roll forward hand stand and a reversal into a wristlock. Akio with a knee. knee, pulling Ultimo into a headlock. Ultimo shoves him off, Akio knocks him down with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over with a diving cartwheel (I know that makes no sense), Akio sunset flip is rolled through and Dragon hits the running kick to the chest, running kick to the spine. One two NO. Akio is thrown into the corner, tag to Kidman, whip, Ultimo drop toe hold, Kidman with a dropkick to the head/arm region. One two no. In case you're wondering, Josh hasn't called a drop toe hold yet, though eh at least hasn't called them step over toe holds. Akio manages a knee and a tag to Sakoda. Double whip, heads down too soon, kick for Akio, kick for Sakoda, headlock/headscissors takeover. Akio ends up out of the ring, Kidman off the ropes at Sakoda, Kidman ducks Sakoda's clothesline, gets a knee from Akio, turns around to get Akio and takes a forearm from Sakoda. While Ultimo protests to Mike Sparks, Akio and Sakoda pull off a nifty double swinging kick to the head, Sakoda hitting the back of Kidman's head while Akio kicks the face. Non tag switch, and Akio enthusiastically stomps Kidman. No cover - straight jacket chin lock instead. Kidman trying to rally out, crowd mildly behind him and getting louder. Kidman to his feet, running it, and punching out. Corner whip, charge into a back elbow. There's Akio's headscissors while leaning back over the top rope. Akio breaks at five and ends up out of the ring, so Kidman has time to make a move, but can't crawl fast enough. Akio grabs him and covers, one two no. Tag to Sakoda, who stomps Kidman before hanging him in the Tree of Woe next to Akio. Akio's waiting for a tag, but Sakoda has another plan - he draws in Ultimo, so Akio can choke Kidman from the floor. Bill: "Sakoda reminds me of a young Masa Saito" Josh: "..." Bill goes onto to compare the build, movement, expression and attack mode. Josh: "I have no idea who you're talking about." Bill: "I didn't think you would." You know, since they have all that WCW footage, you think they could might be able to grab some next week for Bill to explain to the people (who are far more like Josh than Bill in this example, I think.) Sakoda kicks him down, and covers for a one two count. Josh: "Was he, like, an emperor?" Bill notes that Josh can make pointless recent pop culture comparisons (like he did during introductions here but I blew off because hey they're called pointless for a reason) but he doesn't know who Masa Saito. Josh pretends he was kidding. Kidman elbowing out of a chinlock, but Sakoda forearms him down. Off the ropes, into a Billy Kidman dropkick. Now's the time for a tag - one to Akio, one to Dragon. Dropkick for Akio, clothesline for Sakoda, Akio grabs him in a waistlock, Akio lifts Ultimo but Ultimo uses him to dropkick Sakoda. Dragon kicks Akio away, then hits a better spinning heel kick to the midsection. Pose - no, not yet, Sakoda tries an attack. Punch blocked, Kick, punch blocked, kick. Clothesline ducked, five kick combo. Akio uses the pause to get his senses back and ambushes Ultimo with forearms. Whip, but Ultimo with a quebrada one two NO. Ultimo can't believe it. Tag to Kidman, double whip, double clothesline is ducked, Sakoda pulls Ultimo out of the ring, Akio tries a slam on Kisman, but Kidman slips behind, knee, springboard bulldog is blocked by Sakoda coming back in to catch Kidman by the legs. Akio pushes Kidman loose of him, into a big Sakoda powerbomb. Akio covers one two Ultimo breaks it up! Sakoda over to axhandle him in the back, whip, Ultimo goes for a spinning headscissors, but Sakoda blocks it (we'll pretend), Ultimo kinda lands on his feet but definitely wheel kicks Sakoda in the back. Sakoda's knocked to the outside and Ultimo goes up - top rope plancha to the floor! Back with the other two, Kidman ducks the big spin kick, and nails the kick catch enziguri. Kidman's woozy, but he knows what he has to do. Josh: "Getting ready to pull the R-Trigger on his GameCube [he's long ago forgotten that Velocity is sponsored by PS2]" Shooting Star Press connects! One two three! (5:36) Mild upset for the make shift team to beat the set one. Replays as we talk abut Kidman getting revenge from last week.

SmackDown is in Iraq! Confidential is next! - CMLLBlog
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