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The W - Pro Wrestling - WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 6/13/2002
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1288 days
Last activity: 1286 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85





Hey, it's all unified now. That sucks. So does all this comical attempts at wrestling, so here we go.

WHAT WORKED-
- Oh, WOLF LAKE is about werewolves? THAT SOUNDS GREAT! (Got pad out this side of the ledger big time this time out. Oh yeah. It's slim pickins, big man.)

- Hurricane and TEST have a King Of The Ring match. Nidia and Jamie should do a whole COPS thing- with Jamie Noble always in cut-off sweatpants, no shirt and flip-flops- screeching, "I LOVE HER! MOTHERFUCK.... I just wanna... hey man... you understand whay ah'm sayin'.. she's fucked up and ah don't wanna hurt her....MOTHERFUCK! Fuck you, man, you don't unnerstan... I LOVE HER!" Meanwhile Nidia could always be wearing a big Mickey Mouse t-shirt and red teddy and a black eye. This was pretty fucking close. If they show them fucking in the back seat of a powder blue Duster on blocks under the the satellite dish, I will know that Heyman does know everything there is to know about what motivates the basic wrestling fan. Me being a basic wrestling fan. The match was a squash but the match is forgotten because Test is really boring and Hurricane, Nidia and Noble are fucking fascinating in this cockamamie set up. HE's a crazy redneck wrestler who thinks he's a superhero! She's a redneck Jersey chick who fucks like a beast! Her boyfriend is an actual Southern redneck who is totally possessed by his first piece of divine Northern pussy. Fuck the police, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE if you've lived right and drank enough Beam's Choice in your life.

- Lance Storm and Chris Jericho tag together as evil Canadians. Valbowski and Billy Kidman are tagging for some reason. I'm assuming this is so Kidman can get his pin back. Valbowski is the Good Canadian though they gloss over it (for good reason. Why bring it up just because I do?). Kidman is from Pennsylvania which is very close to Canada in the whole scheme of things, I suppose. None of that matters. I'm sorry I brought it up. Valbowski has lots of good midgrade offense. Kidman hits the gentlest Cross-Body in the history of wrestling, but Lance gets back on the offensive side as Jericho has a ThrillSeekers flashback with a really nice combo Hotshot. They do one of those ridulously short heat segments on Kidman, thus Valbowski doesn't really have a psychological starting point for being such a house afire. Kidman hits the gentlest Shooting Star Press I have ever seen. Tazz uses the word "damn" awkwardly. They have shenanigans and hijinx and Kidman wins anyway. Note to self: don't watch wrestling where they actually work stiff all week and then watch Billy Kidman and Lance Storm pillowfight in the ring.

- Devon was great talking ill of the masturbation that all the teenage kids are into these days. Surprisingly, Farooq comes out and speaks up for the Orgy Of One. Farooq masturbates and SAYS SO. Hey, if former All-American middle linebacker from the Florida State Seminoles can admit to it then- godammit- I'm proud to say that I too have been known to take a long shower with my secret softsoap girlfriend. I've been known to wander off the pure and true wrestling path when surfing the internet when my family is not home. YES! I BLUDGEON THE LUMMOX AND SO SHOULD YOU. Toast a load and think of ME!

- Trish and Linda Myles take on Ivory and Jackie and this is really okay wrestling. This is 1,000,000,000,000,000% stiffer than Lance and Kidman were twenty-five minutes ago. This won't make me forget Meiko Satomura or anything, but they are getting much better. Match of the NIGHT! Yep.

- - They beat down Hogan while he is walking to have that Main Event. mul{DOOMSTONE} notices that Angle is Nise Buddy Roberts with that hair. The thing about kicking Hogan's ass early is that superworkers HHH and Angle can carry the match so Welcome To Overbooking Making For A Better Match. HHH bumps like a freak in this and UT tries in a very Lex Lugery way. HHH comes out looking really strong and UT looks like a pussy. Angle bumps gigantic to get HHH on offense and UT and Angle never cut him off. They never establish a need for Hogan to run in and save him. This sucked from a booking standpoint. UT look like shit, Angle looks like a nonthreat and Hogan looks like a complete pussy. A handicap match and UT and Angle win by DQ? What the fuck? They end with HHH and Hogan punching Angle until his sweet sweet male ass is exposed and suddenly it's 5 star affair. mul{DOOMSTONE] comments on the fact that Hogan looks even more like Bugsy Mcgraw with the headgear. Nobody can save HHH from destroying himself as a tough guy by doing a posedown with Hogan. Anyone hwo would like this is a moron.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- The first 12,000 minutes of the show was all about the state of the WWE. Steve Austin may have had the right idea- as I'm sure a middle aged man babbling on about his owning of a wrestling company that doesn't actually emphasize wrestling blew the roof of the ratings and BROUGHT IT ALL BACK! Undertaker comes out and they have a contract signing. I'm bored with this fucking federation, it's time for me to write the rest of this like a bad English major padding a term paper to see how many words I can fill while the take a shot at trying to heat up this turd of a Main Event- LET'S SEE, SHALL WE: Black clad and his gate rambling in time with bellowing banshee-like caterwaul of Lemmy and Motorhead- whom one would suppose is really low on funds for his meth amphetamine habit- a monkey on his back that forces him to compromise his status as Hawkwind bass-player and houseboat live, a man who once said YOU KNOW ME, EVIL EYE! YOU KNOW ME PREPARE TO DIE! YOU NO ME THE SNAKEBITE HISS! THE DEVIl'S CLAW- THE IRONFIST! They sit on the plain brown table, sanded with fine grit and polished to a fine gloss, a crystal lake amid the lowbrow camp of the pseudo-disheveled ring and HHH hurls the chair willy-nilly into the crowd- as if the chair were the VILLIAN! Not the owner and ruler of his life!! HHH is angry. His chin is arrogant and protruding from the copious amounts of Human Growth Hormone he has injected in his life time. The reason this didn't work is because no one in the world wants to see this match. Triple HHH or HHHHHHHHHH bashes the table like a pansy and then curses because he is HARDCORE! He says he wants the DEADMAN! Would that be the UPN exec that said, "Yeah sure, let them waste the first 35 minutes of the show with that big nose guy sitting in the middle of the ring by himself"- how could be sure?

- Chuck brings his sweet ass to the STICK~! and we REVEL IN IT! HHH insinuates that Chuck and Billy suck each others dicks. HHH calls his penis a sledgehammer, I think. Oh, he was talking about an actual sledgehammer and he hits them with a sledgehammer them with it. They talk about a freaky look in HHH's eyes and the crowd is canned-level "Excited!" about not seeing anything done in the ring. HHH attacks the announcers table. The furniture is taking a beating this night of nights! This resembles that night that the NWO changed the set of Nitro and EVERYBODY in America turned the station to see if they were showing any reruns of "Mama's Family" on channel 65.

-Hardcore Holly squashes Tajiri and it doesn't bode well for the vaunted WWE Cruiserweight division having a HOT RUN~! anytime soon. I get the feeling that the words "shocking, candid and heartfelt" were scripted for Tazz as he didn't sound like he was rolling them off the cuff as he hyped the WWE Confidential that I'm assuming will bury the guy who saved their collective asses from bankruptcy after the Boricquas vs the Nation Domination wasn't beating the NWO in head-to-head ratings. Meanwhile, in the ring, Teddy Long has flashbacks to reffing WCW King matches where Silver King would job to Bryan Adams in this amount of time and Teddy thinks to himself, "What will they do next? Hire Nash, lose control backstage and lose Steve Austin forever? Oh wait..." Holly's offense is horrendous. PEEEEEEYOOOOO!

- They set up Hogan vs Angle for King Of The Ring. Hogan says the word "sack" just like Syxx did calling out Flair on Nitro when they were almost going to have an interesting 4 Horsemen vs nWo fued on Nitro. I remember they fucked that up pretty soon after that. This show is bringing back disturbing memories.

- Dawn Marie appears to have drooled all over her own tits. Vince puts his tongue in a stripper's mouth.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN.




YES, I AM DEAN.



Promote this thread!
tarnish
Frankfurter








Since: 13.2.02
From: Back in the Heart of Hali

Since last post: 498 days
Last activity: 14 hours
AIM:  
Y!:
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.46
DEAN: I get the feeling you are living proof that somebody out there really lived Bob Seger's ``Night Moves.'' It's a beautiful thing.

For your pleasure, I include here linkage to the latest and greatest Canadian television show of all time,``Trailer Park Boys''. Beg borrow or steal to get your hands on tapes.

The more I think about it, the more Julian looks like Tommy Dreamer...



/tarnish...
I'm a disturbed and bitter herb, like salt water and parsley... -- Prince Paul
spf
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02
From: The Las Vegas of Canada

Since last post: 7 days
Last activity: 3 days
AIM:  
#3 Posted on
I am glad to see someone else is getting the pure psychotic trashy Springer-esque joy that is the Nidia/Helms/Knoble storyline. It's a horny redneck and his nympho tramp girl fighting a delusional hillbilly. If only somehow Helms could import Daffney so as to bring in the psycho goth archetype and bring on the mixed matches this could become the most perversely entertaining feud in W(W)W(F)E history.



Anyone remember the joy of seeing him bash the Undertaker's motorcycle with his sledgemhammer and doing no damage and being all like, "Mjolnir will not break thine cycle? I say thee NAY!" and dumping it off the stage. - Enojado Viento says the funniest thing I've ever read on Wienerville.
Enojado Viento
Potato korv








Since: 12.3.02
From: Your Grocer's Freezer, NC

Since last post: 718 days
Last activity: 44 days
#4 Posted on
My dream is that they'll go all the way with the Jamie Knoble thing and give us a wrestling version of "Mr. Show's" own Ronnie Dobbs.

Just grow out the hair, slap around Nidia, and show up on "Cops" a couple times. We're so close. . .



-LS
"Confucious, he say, "Name go in book."
Debaser
Mettwurst








Since: 22.3.02

Since last post: 4452 days
Last activity: 4417 days
#5 Posted on
I've never watched TE: Have they ever revealed Nida's last name? If not, what's the over/under on the WWE claiming it's actually "Knoble"?
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1288 days
Last activity: 1286 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85

    Originally posted by spf2119
    I am glad to see someone else is getting the pure psychotic trashy Springer-esque joy that is the Nidia/Helms/Knoble storyline. It's a horny redneck and his nympho tramp girl fighting a delusional hillbilly. If only somehow Helms could import Daffney so as to bring in the psycho goth archetype and bring on the mixed matches this could become the most perversely entertaining feud in W(W)W(F)E history.

------
DR: If they brought in Daffney or any Goth Art Chick, they would cover every type of woman I slept with before the age of 26- THUS making it the greatest Southern Angle of the new millenium so far.

DEAN.



YES, I AM DEAN.



vsp
Andouille








Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

Since last post: 3030 days
Last activity: 244 days
#7 Posted on
Okay, they've got Nise Dirty White Boy and Nise Dirty White Girl for our amusement. Tom Pritchard's in the back. How long before Nidia comes out with a shiner and begs Helms for help, and we revisit THE definitive Southern Violence angle?




"No society has managed to invest more time and energy in the perpetuation of the fiction that it is _moral, sane and wholesome_ than our current crop of _Modern Americans_."
-- Frank Zappa
el gringo
Medisterpoelse








Since: 14.6.02

Since last post: 4511 days
Last activity: 4437 days
#8 Posted on

    Originally posted by Enojado Viento
    My dream is that they'll go all the way with the Jamie Knoble thing and give us a wrestling version of "Mr. Show's" own Ronnie Dobbs.

    Just grow out the hair, slap around Nidia, and show up on "Cops" a couple times. We're so close. . .



No no no, my friend. Nidia and Knoble are the Springer couple. But only Jeff Hardy can be the Ronnie Dobbs!

I want to watch WWE programming with the feeling that at any time, any place, Jeff Hardy can run in front of the camera, say something unintelligible, and STEAL A TRUCK.

It's simple and brilliant. It can save any segment! Jeff Hardy is the Knight Hitting People With The Chicken On Monty Python. He is Sandman Simms on Showtime at the Apollo. Run in, argle bargle, steal the truck, and we're out. AH CANNOT BE RESCUED!! [yes, I have seen a bootleg of the Ronnie Dobbs movie, thanks for asking]


zhixel
Cotto








Since: 26.3.02
From: Culpeper, VA

Since last post: 3871 days
Last activity: 3578 days
AIM:  
#9 Posted on

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    DR: If they brought in Daffney or any Goth Art Chick, they would cover every type of woman I slept with before the age of 26- THUS making it the greatest Southern Angle of the new millenium so far.


For the first second I read that, I felt very very envious of you. And then I remembered what they're like and I felt very very bad for you.



#1 KOFFING~! mark
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1288 days
Last activity: 1286 days
#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85

    Originally posted by zhixel

      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      DR: If they brought in Daffney or any Goth Art Chick, they would cover every type of woman I slept with before the age of 26- THUS making it the greatest Southern Angle of the new millenium so far.


    For the first second I read that, I felt very very envious of you. And then I remembered what they're like and I felt very very bad for you.


-----
DR: It was a mixed blessing. Sex with redneck chicks is infinitely hotter. Yes, I have disappointed the entire spectrum of white girls in my time....

DEAN.





YES, I AM DEAN.



Guru Zim
SQL Dejection
Administrator








Since: 9.12.01
From: Bay City, OR

Since last post: 6 days
Last activity: 13 hours
AIM:  
#11 Posted on
Dean owns you all.



I love it when a plan comes together
FLRockAndLaw
Boerewors








Since: 2.1.02
From: Central Florida, somewhere between Orlando and Tampa, U.S.A.

Since last post: 68 days
Last activity: 6 hours
AIM:  
#12 Posted on

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN


    (snip)
    SHALL WE: Black clad and his gate rambling in time with bellowing banshee-like caterwaul of Lemmy and Motorhead- whom one would suppose is really low on funds for his meth amphetamine habit- a monkey on his back that forces him to compromise his status as Hawkwind bass-player and houseboat live, a man who once said YOU KNOW ME, EVIL EYE! YOU KNOW ME PREPARE TO DIE! YOU NO ME THE SNAKEBITE HISS! THE DEVIl'S CLAW- THE IRONFIST!



Not to be nitpicky or nothin', because I'm all for quoting old Motorhead in recaps... not to mention your take on the whole Hurricane-Nidia-Knoble thing.

But I thought the last lyric of the chorus was, "The Devil's Grip, The Iron Fist"?? It's been a while since I've put my best of Motorhead tape in the stereo in the car, so I could be wrong, but....



"Thanks RageRockrr! You're the coolest!" - Excalibur05, March 10, 2002.
"And the natives were chanting, ‘Hoya! Hoya! Me no sono’... which means, ‘Turn down! Turn down! Me want soda!’"
"The neighbors complained. They moved. The new neighbors complained. It was almost like being on tour, George!"
Captain Lou Albano, hitting 101 on the Unintentional Comedy Scale, right here.
WOKKA WOKKA WOKKA, PUNK!!

You are Fozzie!
Wokka Wokka! You love to make lame jokes. Your sense of humor might be a bit off, but you're a great friend and can always be counted on.
.


DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1288 days
Last activity: 1286 days
#13 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85

    Originally posted by RageRockrr

      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN


      (snip)
      SHALL WE: Black clad and his gate rambling in time with bellowing banshee-like caterwaul of Lemmy and Motorhead- whom one would suppose is really low on funds for his meth amphetamine habit- a monkey on his back that forces him to compromise his status as Hawkwind bass-player and houseboat live, a man who once said YOU KNOW ME, EVIL EYE! YOU KNOW ME PREPARE TO DIE! YOU NO ME THE SNAKEBITE HISS! THE DEVIl'S CLAW- THE IRONFIST!



    Not to be nitpicky or nothin', because I'm all for quoting old Motorhead in recaps... not to mention your take on the whole Hurricane-Nidia-Knoble thing.

    But I thought the last lyric of the chorus was, "The Devil's Grip, The Iron Fist"?? It's been a while since I've put my best of Motorhead tape in the stereo in the car, so I could be wrong, but....



----
DR: I believe you are right. I stand corrected. I should have gone with my favorite Motorhead song, "Bomber" (FUDGE! That would have been even worse: "Ain't no chance in hell---something something--- the SKY! Because we shoot to kill and you know we always will- it's a bomber, it's bomber hey hey hey!" But how can you capture a crappy Fast Eddy Clarke guitar solo with mere words. That was the beauty of Motorhead:
LEMMY: "Philthy Phil, make sure we keep this short to keep Eddie from soloing."
PHILTHY PHIL: "Yeah, no shit..." )

DEAN. Ashamed and weeping...





YES, I AM DEAN.



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