Oh geez, I can barely move. My wife made the Mexican Casserole and I`m chockfull of cheese, and beef and lettuce and salsa. Mmmm cheese... Then me n` the kids had a big batch of Vanilla Bean ice cream with that chocolate syrup that hardens into a shell. WOOOOOOOOO! Lemme put on my sweatpants! We`ll see how much of my overly large dinner is blown onto the living room rug as the WWE unravels this weeks SPORTS~! ENTERTAINMENT~! bonanza upon you- the gentle reader- and I- your long-suffering reviewer. But hope SPRINGS eternal that this will be a new night! A night of fabulous pro wrestling!
- Vince fixing to blow a caustic old-man greenish load onto Stacey before almost nuzzling her boobies was a slice of reality TV that we in the masses of wrestling should see. I mean- WAS IT A SHOOT!?!?!
- Lance Storm was better when Yuji Yasuraoka was doing the heavy lifting for him in the Junior tagteam division of WAR but- here- he and Bob Sparkplug Holly have a good little match with your Big Valbowski and young Randy Orton. Orton whips out the European Uppercuts which I always give mad phat props to. Lance bumps all over the ring for Valbowski- the same Valbowski that throws punches as shitty as you will ever see a few seconds later. Orton basically no-selling the Superkick for the reversal into a win further indicates that the Storm push will be a later on down the road....
- Hulk Hogan is physically degenerating into a complete physical freak. With that helmet on, Hulk Hogan looks like an ape drawn by Jack Kirby. Possibly from Kamandi- Last Boy On Earth. Hopefully, he will degenerate into more like a Moonboy from Devil Dinosaur level of Living Kirbyism. And he`s limping because his hip has no calcium left! C`MON, COLE! HE`S BEEN MAINLINING STEROIDS FOR 20 YEARS NOW.
- D-Von vs Maven was very okay wrestling. D-Von sold the DDT like he was back in a three way with Bubba Ray against The Bad Breed and the Eliminators- in that he sold it like a particularly peppy hiptoss. It wasn`t very long and D-Von`s finisher is perfectly fine.
- Midgets fucking hot chicks is what this world needs far more of, wouldn`t you say? If the Camera Midget gets to ply young Stacy with his odd, possibly malformed love, I will back this play of the WWE 100%. We will all party and freak out just like we all did when we found out that furry Mexican midget freak Alushe was doing the Donkey Dance with a Mexican supermodel. Ah, those were good times. Midget MOUNTING FACE With PICTURES! AWESOME.
- Kurt Angle fucking rules and made the main event. Jericho looks better this week than last week- his kicks sucked but the Locomotion Vertical Suplexes was fun. Angle is suplextastic and the toprope Belly-to-Belly was fucking balls out. Edge was a good Ricky Morton in the match and HHH is a better Robert Gibson because he has an actual feared offense. The ending was all fun with everybody hitting their finishers before the BOOKING~! kicked in. Even the booking didn`t really affect the finish as the ref bump didn`t facilitate anyone with a sledge hammer running in. This was good. HHH looked all tough and shit bralwing into the crowd. There is hope yet for this god-forsaken show.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK
- BOY! Hogan was over in Montreal. They must all still remember him putting over Jacques Rougeau in Montreal for no apparent reason in 1996. His PROMO~! was like the ending of BRAZIL- what with him living in his own little dream world to escape the horrible real world. Sorry, grampa, the Professional Wrestling that IIIIIIII was raised watching reflected reality and helped you deal with realty. Some people were good, some people were bad, either could win so the fight never ended. As a child, that lesson helped me through life and smartened me up to the ways of reality more than about anything else. This whole angle is ugly. If it was Hogan as a delusional old man, I would be behind it- but the rubes are popping like freaks so it won`t be compelling or anything because he has no reason to be delusional, he`s still over. Vince vs Hogan is more fun than HHH vs Vince though just because these two gigantic assholes have such a history of ruining wrestling together to lean on and make it all weighty.
- There is nothing I hate more than a Cruiserweight three-way. Tajiri vs Kidman vs Hurricane was pretty much 3-way by numbers: the double team, the FALSE ALLIANCE!, the endless saves. This was basically a short string of finishers. God, that was a THREE MINUTE 3-way. Welcome to the worst of all possible worlds. Hurricane vs Kidman on PPV should be good. This ain`t.
- Rikishi rules it. Look at that sell of the clothesline. The Old School Belly-to-Belly. BUT! This was too short and Rico`s punches are fucking horrible. Plus: No naked male ass, no Worked column. Know naked male ass, know Worked column.
- HHH on the stick will not make anyone- me in particular- forget about Arn Anderson on the stick. It`s kinda like comparing Al Gore giving a speech to Jesse Jackson giving a speech. I don`t know what these guys need to do. i mean shit- go to the sources. Listen to some Gospel preachers and bring it to the stick like Dusty used to. ECW bonehead oratory stylings is so 1996. Doesn`t anybody try to sound sinister anymore? I mean Arn and Jake the Snake never had to go above a whisper and they were a thousand times more menacing than these bellowing yahoos. The opening was really shitty and obvious and shitty and obvious and shitty. Edge is all insectavoir in the close-ups and communtiy-theatre crappy on the stick. The crowd says ``what?`` alot. God, these are the worst angles in the history of wrestling. They should rewatch some MidSouth or get a GAEA tape or something and steal some ideas. The Edge vs Angle hair vs hair reminds of the classically shitty Bret Hart vs Jerry Lawler Kiss-My-Foot Match in set up and banal pay-off. Get some EMLL tapes to learn how to build up a hair vs hair match. Fuck, ask Eddy Guerrerro, he`s right there. He could hip them to Eddy/Love Machine Art Barr vs El Hijo Del Santo/ Octagon. As for more oratory criticism, Jericho later in the show tries to be menacing before getting into his Ayatollah Of Rockinrolla schpeil. God, Ric Flair is right there and I`m sure he would give him some insight on how to appear genuinely motivated to beat someone`s ass. Instead, it`s like an audition for Rock`s spot as main catchphrase reciTOR. Where`s the heart? Where`s the hate? It`s fucking professional wrestling, make me give a shit about you wanting to beat someone`s ass so I can enjoy it with you when you do.
- Speaking of shitty oratory, D-Von is supposed to be a Gospel Preacher? I don`t know about where you live, but Black Gospel Preachers in Richmond, Virginia are some of the greatest oratory masters you will ever hear. D-Von stumbles over his word and delivers his crappy lines with no conviction. The Black Gospel Preachers I know are ones like A Lincoln James. When I was a wayward young man, backsliding and going against my Southern Baptist upbringing by going out and drinking and dancing and disappointing as many young ladies as possible with my pathetic attempts at loving, after NWA Worldwide, they would show A Lincoln James sermon from the week before and- when he would get the part where he would go into a trance and just rhytmically spout scripture and speak of the love of God and rebuke sinners for falling short of the glory of God- fuck- in a drunken 25 year old`s stupor, I would almost denounce my wicked ways and write my name in the Lamb`s book of life and avoid the White Thrown of Judgement! Rock of Ages CLEFT FOR ME! ONE GLAD MORNING WHEN THIS LIFE IS O`ER, I`LL FLY AWAY! Then I would sober up and forget all about it and get a 40 of Crazy Horse and mount a magenta-sporting art chick. Anyway, D-Von`s gimmick is horrendous compared to what it`s amazingly half-assedly trying to imitate and it annoys me.
- Funaki assumes the role of a bulletin board. I liked it better when he assumed the role of participant in 4 star wrestling matches. But I`m fucking buck wild, Daddy.
- It was hot in Montreal and Tory and Stacy could poke their aveolis and cool the crowd of with some cool refreshing saline housed in their gigantic fake titties. Instead they go for cockblock heat by having Tajiri come out. Trish vs Stacy wasn`t indicative of this new strongstyle of wrestling the Divas are doing now, is it? When I see women who have forsaken nature to appeal to the groinular urgings of 13 year olds I feel the urge to quote the Confederate Mack- Real Wrestling, Real Titties, Real Drunk. Ain`t none of that here. Can I get a FUCKIN-A!?
Holden: Judging by the buzz, that movie's gonna make some serious bank. Jay: What buzz? Holden: The internet buzz. Jay: What the f*ck is the internet? [Holden (Ben Affleck) & Jay (Jason Mewes) in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back]
The top story: Hulk Hogan definitely needed to stay in Canada after Wrestlemania. If he puts asses in the seats up there, that's great. But if you put the five Canadian shows starting from Wrestlemania up against every other show Hogan has appeared on...the Canadian audiences love him, the U.S. audience has been extremely tepid. The ratings reflect it.
I don't know if the WWF thought a last Hogan go-round would go over in a "Michael Jordan on the Wizards" way, but the difference between a legend's last hurrah in sports, and a wrestling farewell is that real magic can't be worked or forced. You don't fake the two Jordan buzzer-beaters I got to see this past season and will remember fondly forever, the 50 point outbursts, and the way he single-handedly made the Zards competitive in the first half of the season. At the same time, you don't fake his missed dunk at the All-Star Game or the fact that his knee gave out and his season ended early and the Wizards missed the playoffs.
With Hogan, you can't fake the magic of Wrestlemania, with that Toronto crowd spontaneously turning on The Rock and reviving Hulkamania. But, you also can't fake the fact that Hogan is 50+, clearly fragile, and in no way a legitimate world title contender. But the WWF tried to fake it. They made him the champ.
Michael Jordan, when he was healthy this past season, was easily one of the 10 best players in the league. Hogan, without his name, probably wouldn't even make a list of top wrestlers. In real life, Jordan got hurt, his team didn't win. In wrestling, Hogan became the champion amidst the most talented roster in the history of the business.
For the most part, as wrestling fans, we accept the work. Certain people win for certain storyline reasons, and we largely buy into it even when it lacks most semblences of realism. We let it go that Triple H marched to the undisputed title in predictable fashion this past spring because although if it were "really real," he shouldn't have won...but it wasnt so preposterous to accept that he did. However, Hogan's championship run lacks all believability, and I see that as the primary reason the WWF has suffered such stark declines in the past month.
In other news: 1)I love Deacon Batista's look. He's got Diesel's "2nd fiddle to a mid-carder on my way to the top" vibe going.
2)The WWF blatantly piped in crowd noise tonight, and it was disgraceful. Nothing like hearing a crowd ooh a cruiserweight spot only to cut to a crowd shot where everyone is sitting on their hands. Or the complete lack of reaction to Kidman when his music started but then mysteriously as he's walking down the aisle the crowd erupts for him.
3)Speaking of mysteries, we can only hope the identity of the person who knows the Hurricane's secret identity is NOT revealed to be the archvillain Mr. Misterio.
4)Kurt Angle is simply amazing.
5)Nice job tonight from Edge. Very nice visual with Triple H showing that he's actually TALLER than him...which is a very good thing. Beautiful comeback line in their 2nd exchange, too. Those kinds of things make stars.
Notes to Michael Cole:
There are other names to call heels besides "jerk."
Just because NBC dug out Philip Michael Thomas for the 75th Anniversary special does not bring the t-shirt/blazer combo back to coolness.
With The Rock making big box office, Lita appearing on the now-cancelled "Dark Angel", and other WWF guest-appearances in the last several months on TV...are you working some kind of angle to get on "Queer As Folk"?
I don't care how many times you say it...Rikishi is NOT a cruiserweight with a superheavyweight's body. It's just one of the many things you say that make us want you dead.
My Top Story is: Congradutlations WW-F U ruined 3 damn months of Trish charater of this chick who's not the most strongest but damn she just won't give up and has an amazing heart in 3 god-damn minutes.
3 months of building a women division that is more physical then some of the men matches. a bunch of girls that stepped up and have been Raw's highlights on most nights. Building destinct women character. AND you piss it all away for a 15 second bra and panty pop.
Your face won a title she's been chasing since Feburary, she finally wins it in her hometown. She makes her first appearance and do they make her get a pop/respect for getting her ass kicked on a regular bases by Jazz and finally getting her win back? NO. Is it that she took the most vicious Diva bump in recent memeory threw a table a week ago and came back a week later for a title victory? NO. Is it that she's the most improved performer (man or woman) on the roster? NO. She got her pop for showing her skin, the same type any of the non-talent women can.
Then when they go and put trish in a real storyline with a real wrestler (ivory/molly) then the fans chant "we want puppies" and not care for the people involved and dont' take them seriously. Then the WWFuckers will scratch there heads and say "I guess they don't want/accept women as athletes".I WONDER WHY IS THAT!! The only woman in this damn company that doesn't have her character pissed on and cheapened is Lita, one of the least talented and worse in ring people I've seen.
I wonder how Fit Finley (reportedly he was in charge of a lot of RAW diva stuff) feels about his division going to shit in 30 seconds. I guess he feels like when you build a house with a deck of cards and your idiot brother comes around and bangs on the table for them all to fall and you go "what the hell did you do that?"..... Look I don't mind if you do stuff like that with the eye candy who doesn't give a rats ass about this buisness, I'd put it under as mad segment but doing it to someone who's shown the effort Trish has and basterdizing her charater that just sux.
As for the rest of the show, the show was awful, not a damn memorable thing in the first hour and a half. Not an interestng match, nothing funny backstage, nothing that made me want to check out the PPV..But then again I'm in a pissed off mood while writing this.
Some Good things I guess I should post... The Hogan responce was amazing...the cruiser match was really good... main event rocked, I still don't know if Edge picked it up or is it that he's in there with Angle. The Jericho/ Edge /Angle stuff was stronger then last weeks while This weeks Triple H did I guess a little better job then last weeks Triple H[ogan) but when he was on the outside the better... Nice Jericho interview backstage liked how he talked about pulling off the persona and pulling the curtain and showing the real jericho, good line
Line of the Night: Edge to H "Maybe I should marry the boses daughter, and sleep my way to the top" to quote DDP "now that's a shoot". Just for that reason alone, I can't understand how anybody could actually like this guy.
Sign of the night "Vince, Save the Expos"
Cole dumb statement after a D-von segment "maybe one of the commandments should be Thou shall not hit below the belt"... I truly think this is a gimmick (please tell me it's a gimmick and not Cole thinking it's smart commentary) for Cole to say something so lame after a D-von segment last week after jericho hit h with the box "That collection box was meant for gods work not jerichos dirty work" and 2 weeks ago after D-von cheated to help Test/Christian Cole said "I'sn't one of the commandments thou shall not steal"...much like the question is homer getting dumber every season, my question is Cole getting dumber every episode?
(edited by Net Hack Slasher on 17.5.02 0208)
thanx to His heelness for the modification to make it PG
I don't care how many times you say it...Rikishi is NOT a cruiserweight with a superheavyweight's body. It's just one of the many things you say that make us want you dead.
I was so down with Rikishi when he was the heel Rikishi that was just mean, violent and splashed people from the top of cages. Is he a Cruiser in a heavyweight body...no, but he can sure move and bump for a fatman.
if it wasn't for tough enough, Ivory wouldn't even be on TV and that's a damn shame. maybe they are waiting for tough enough to end before pushing her (like with jaqui.) I like Stacy but think that this is Trish's chance to really kick her ass. at least by working with Trish, Stacy might pick up a few things, as I'd like to see her make the same improvements Trish has and become a wrestler.
For all the hype, the CW's get 3 minute??? gag! but Hurricane is good, so I can live with him having the title. Funaki lives!!! and Kidman needs new music now. Where is Chavo ( on Jakked, when does velocity actually start on TNN so I can start watching the excess timeslot again? i tried to be a loyalist, but once they canned "from the vault" I quit watching.)
Rico's punches probably suck cause if he threw a good one it might actually bruise someone. Tazz is really riding Cole on the gay thing.
Storm and hardcore rock worlds!!! with a little more build, they should be the contenders to chuckabilly's titles. and yes, they should have equal time on both shows ( in fact, all the title holders should.)
"My parents said I could be anything, so I became an ASSHOLE!"
Originally posted by piemanHey Mr. Men-Tor, how do you get this posted like 7 minutes after the show airs?
DR: I do it for you, young beloved Pie-Man.
And I do appeciate the luv, DEAN, since I have been Smackdown free for the last 2 months. No UPN affiliate on my DirecTV, ya know. And now they moved the lucha. Where the hell is the lucha now? Saturday?
(edited by pieman on 17.5.02 1557)
He's Rolie Polie Olie - and in his world of curves and curls, he's the swellest kid around.
And I do appeciate it luv, DEAN, since I have been Smackdown free for the last 2 months. No UPN affiliate on my DirecTV, ya know. And now they moved the lucha. Where the hell is the lucha now? Saturday?
Lucha's now on Saturday afternoons at IIRC ~1:30. There's a Sunday Lucha Classic's show now too - don't get too excited, it's just stuff from 2000, but at least it's Lucha - I think the Sunday show comes on at 1:30 too.
As they say on the TV, check your local program guides.
Still, 6 hours of Lucha a week now! You can't beat that. Well, you could if 3 hours of it wasn't AAA but...that's just being picky.
My name is Sue! How do you do?? Now you gonna die!!
I don't know about that. I like Stevie but I like him with Victoria and you can't bring Victoria with him since the women's division is on Raw. Obviously Jericho or Christian would be a good addition but they've got too much going on Raw.