See, I point out that I get no feedback, and a bunch of you have to go and tell me you actually enjoy these recaps. Do you understand the kind of pressure that puts on me to keep coming back every week with MORE recaps?
I suppose it also gives me the Legal Right (in the RAW sense of the word) to BS at the top of my columns about stuff because apparently YOU PEOPLE ARE READING! Yes, YOU!
Except I don’t have anything interesting to say… On to Smackdown!
Here’s some No Way Out highlights! Eddie Guerrero gets redemption, waves Mexican flags, and hugs old ladies.
PAUL HEYMAN welcomes us to Smackdown!, and lets us know that Brock Lesnar has been asked not to appear on tonight’s show – due to his emotional state. Eddie Guerrero is officially announced as the champion, and we’ll celebrate tonight, AND see his first title defence against the new Cruiserweight champion, Chavo! With the magnitude of a match like this, it requires a special referee. But who?
We were LIVE 2 days ago in Fresno, CA. MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ call all the shots. But no time for formal introductions to these guys, because…
#1 contender to the WWE title, KURT ANGLE enters. He’s all smiles tonight. “Are you guys ready to party? That’s right, because tonight is the night where we celebrate the new WWE champion Eddie Guerrero!” He pauses to let the fans chant away. “And Eddie, I want to be one of the first ones to come out here and say congratulations. Because I know what it’s like first hand to achieve the impossible and prove the critics wrong. But to be honest with you Eddie, I wasn’t one of the critics. I always knew that Eddie Guerrero had what it took to kick Brock Lesnar’s ass and win the WWE championship. I always knew. Which is why as the #1 contender, it’s gonna be an honor and a privilege to face Eddie Guerrero for the WWE title at Wrestlemania XX. And I know this sounds kinda corny, but what the heck… THREE CHEERS FOR EDDIE GUERRERO… Hip hip (hooray!)… Hip hip (hooray!)… Hip hip (hooray!)…” Hopefully JOHN CENA’s entrance means it’s the end of this stupid interview. “Yo yo yo yo chill… Are you guys ready to party? Hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray. Aww that’s so cute. Did you bring us out some milk and cookies too? Yo man, you are an Olympic gold medallist, but bro, I’ve gotta agree with these people, you suck. It ain’t like that, I’m just sayin’ we got a new champ in town. And if yall wanna give Eddie Guerrero the props he’s got comin’ to him, then we’re gonna break it down West Coast style” He prepares the crowd to blow the roof off by getting one half of the crowd to chant “LATINO” and the other half “HEAT”. Cena then hands over the props to Kurt Angle who won the triple threat on Sunday, and then of course suggests Guerrero’s gonna kick his ass at Wrestlemania. “How ‘bout I kick your MC Hammer ass right now?” Easy Kurt. “Only reason I’m MC Hammer is ‘cause you can’t touch ‘dis.” PAUL HEYMAN appears on the TitanTron and says there’s no way Angle and Cena are going one-on-one, and will infact be tagging up. Their opponents? A team REALLY upset with their manager right now… The Bashams. Perhaps this match will take place after a well placed commercial break.
JOHN CENA and KURT ANGLE vs. THE BASHAMS
Angle and Danny start – and Kurt quickly rides him on the mat. Danny escapes, but gets caught in a fireman’s carry slam, with an armbar finish. They stand, Angle hiptosses Danny a couple of times because he can, and goes back to the armbar. Danny kicks at Kurt’s midsection, and gets clotheslined for his efforts, drawing 2. Cena gets the tag, and Danny immediately kicks him in the leg, swinging the momentum. Doug comes in, and takes a spinning back suplex. Cena’s “pumped”, but gets kicked in the back by Danny before he can follow up. Cena fires off a spinebuster on Doug anyway, getting 2 before Danny breaks it up. Cena sends him outside, and Kurt’s quickly him. Doug shoves Kurt, who bumps into Cena – dropping him off the apron and to the floor. Kurt delivers a nice German to Doug, but can’t follow through because a pretty pissed off Cena’s back in the ring, and right in Kurt’s face. Let’s take a commercial break – just in case something exciting were to break out!
We return, and Doug is working the injured knee of Cena, barring it. Cena nearly escapes – diving to Kurt to make the hot tag, but comes a little short, and Doug yanks him back across the ring. Danny’s in, and applies the same kneebar – but Cena reaches the ropes quickly. Danny chokes Cena in the corner, and then wraps the knee around the ropes. Cena manages to force a break – and explodes out of the corner with a clothesline. Cena again comes close to the tag, but Danny yanks him by the leg back across the ring – and Doug comes in to smartly deliver a single leg atomic drop. Danny tags back in to stomp at the kneecap – and hits another single leg atomic drop! Half crap on the bad leg – and Cena’s not a real happy fellow. He crawls to the ropes, forces a break, and hits a surprise DDT on Danny! Cena manages to make the tag this time, and Kurt’s cleaning house. German for Danny! Backdrop for Doug! Olympic Slam for Danny is BLOCKED with a shove right into Doug who clotheslines him! A double team is stopped by a dropkick from Kurt on Doug, and Olympic Slam on Danny!!! Anklelock – but Danny kicks him away, to the outside! On his way falling out, Cena smartly tags himself in. FU Danny Basham! 1, 2, 3! (11:31) **1/2 Kurt’s not real happy that Cena stole the win, but let’s face it, Kurt can’t see THIS. Kurt applauds the win, sucks it up, and heads to the back not looking overly impressed.
Here’s some still shots of “one of the greatest Cruiserweight matches” that Tazz has ever seen. It should be noted, however, that Tazz went blind at SummerSlam 2000 and hasn’t actually SEEN anything since…
WRESTLEMANIA RECALL: Morton Downey Jr. blows cigarette smoke into Roddy Piper’s face during a special Piper’s Pit at Wrestlemania V. Piper puts the smoke out with a fire extinguisher. It was a simpler time.
LAST MONTH: Hardcore Holly makes The Big Show tap out, but not without the help of a steel chair around the neck. Cheating bastard.
PAUL HEYMAN is on a cell phone! “Because here on Paul Heyman’s Smackdown!, I’m the man, that’s why!” I think he was talking to Ric Flair. DAWN MARIE happens in and says that REY MYSTERIO JR. wants a word. Heyman doesn’t look up to see Rey there, and states he doesn’t want to hear Rey’s whining about losing. “I’m standing right here, why don’t you say it to me?” Heyman says he doesn’t want to hear it, but Rey intervenes. “I’m not here to complain about my match at No Way Out. I simply want a re-match.” And that’s why Rey’s the man! Heyman rewards Rey’s professionalism by giving him the match…ONLY if Chavo Guerrero Jr. wins the World Title tonight, and Heyman will put THAT belt on the line as well. Interesting way to stack the deck and mess with the babyfaces. I like it!
The new WWE Champion EDDIE GUERRERO enters the arena DDP style, which certainly impresses the fans. I don’t even note security. Ballsy! Red, white, and green confetti falls from the ceiling, and Eddie even passes the belt around some of the fans in attendance. From the ceiling, tons of red, white, and green balloons drop – which means for the next 90 minutes we’ll be GUARANTEED pops! Eddie stomps on some of the balloons and kisses his belt. Standing on the turnbuckle – pyro explodes, and this 5 minute celebration without words is surreal. I don’t remember the belt looking like it meant that much in a LONG time, and you best believe I dig it! “When we come back, the celebration continues!” Commercial break…
We return, and the fans are STILL on their feet chanting “EDDIE! EDDIE!” To steal ANOTHER DDP trademark…TOOOOO COOL! He starts off in Spanish, but turns back to English… “What’s all the fuss about me? You know, usually I’m a little bit more shy, you know what I mean? But as for tonight, you know what (Spanish words), I can stand in this ring and say orale – I am the WWE Champion!!!!” You know, I was watching WWA: Revolution a couple of days ago (I was NOT drunk, I swear… It was unlabelled and I was too lazy to change it once it started. I’m sorry. I understand if you never want to read me again.) and I would have NEVER, and I mean NEVER been able to say with a straight face that Eddie Guerrero would wind up WWE Champion. The guy was ROCK bottom there, and just looked OLD. I figured he was done. He’s come a long way in cleaning up his act. Anyway, tangent done, let’s turn things back to the champ… “Or should I say, we are the WWE Champion! That’s right holmes, viva la raza! The fact of the matter is, for everyone that supported me, and everybody that’s been behind me since the beginning, I say gracias, thank you, orale!” The “EDDIE!” chants continue. Un-fucking-believable. “And for everybody that didn’t support me, and wasn’t with me, well, frankly, (Spanish cursing). You know what, I didn’t go through all the trouble to steal all this confetti and balloons for nothing! So let’s get the party going, who’s going to have a fiesta with me???” Apparently, LOS CHAVO GUERREROS are with him, and enter to the LWO theme. “Whatchoo want now holmes?” “CHAVO SUCKS, CHAVO SUCKS!!!” Chavo: “I DON’T SUCK, YOU SUCK!” “EDDIE! EDDIE!” “What a shock, what a shock, I beat Rey Mysterio for the Cruiserweight title at No Way Out, the biggest win of my career, one of the biggest moments of my life, but once again, once again, all of the attention is on Eddie Guerrero. Where’s my celebration dad? Where are my balloons? Where are my fireworks? Where’s my confetti?” “You want a balloon holmes?” Eddie gives him a balloon. Hey – an olive branch! Let’s see if Chavo accepts it…or accepts it and beats him over the head with it. “Oh, I forgot, I’m not Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie… That’s okay holmes, that’s okay, because you’ve been lying and cheating your whole life.” That gets a pop, of course. “You’ve been stealing my spotlight my whole life! Yes! That’s okay Eddie, that’s okay. I win my championship and I get nothing. You win your championship and you get a national holiday! You can enjoy your little party here holmes, you can enjoy this little celebration, and if I were you I’d savour it. I’d treasure it. Because after I beat you right here in this ring tonight, all of this is going to be OVER. See I spoiled your little celebration. Tonight, after our match, after I win our match, I’m gonna take your WWE title!!!” “Nah holmes, nah, see the only thing you’re going to take is an ass kicking.” “Oh really? That’s okay Eddie, that’s your problem Eddie, you think you always know it all. Eddie KNOWS it all! But tonight Eddie, little Chavito knows a little something that you don’t. See, I just came from Paul Heyman’s office, and Paul let me in on a little secret. He told me who is going to be our special referee tonight in our match. Oh, it’s someone who’s fair. It’s someone who’s unbiased. And it’s someone who’s gonna call this match right down the middle. And that someone is Chavo…Guerrero…Senior!”
THE BIG SHOW vs. BOB HOLLY (for the WWE United States title)
Would it be asking too much to have Sting show up tonight and challenge Show for a match at Wrestlemania so he can win back HIS belt? Really, I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request. Holly charges the ring while Show’s still jaw-jacking with fans and pounds on Show’s back. He gets in a series of shots to Show’s knees – tries some clotheslines (which are no-sold), and knocks Bob down with his own clothesline. Show’s visibly limping from the leg shots, but gives Holly a big knee anyway. Well it’s a big hiptoss! Yes, it’s a big bad toss tonight. Yes, it’s a big hiptoss! Holly comes back with a clip of the knees, and Show tumbles hard. Holly steals The Showster’s finisher, hitting a legdrop, and then a guillotine legdrop from the top(!) for 2! Bob tries a dropkick from the second rope, but Show swats him away, hits the Chokeslam, and puts Bob back into midcard Hell where he belongs. (2:38) 1/4* Now by my count, Show doesn’t have to defend this again for approximately 150 days. JOHN CENA wastes no time in hitting the stage after our match, and he’s got some WORDS for The Big Show!
“Yo yo yo, kill the music… Easy slim pickings Don’t get too excited Only reason you’re rocking that party, John Cena wasn’t invited Look at you, drooling all over yourself, getting your hairy nipple wet Oh, by the way Show, you never beat me in that triple threat So it’s time we settled this, all the marbles, all the money US title, you and me, Wrestlemania 20 Matter of fact, one on one, you never beat me at all Challenge is open to you, I know you ain’t got the balls So go ahead, turn me down, be the world’s biggest switch You’ll go from world’s biggest giant, to world’s biggest bitch.”
”Hey, you finished? See, that’s the problem with punks like you. You’ve got more guts than you’ve got brains. I’m the most dominant United States champion in history.” Hey, in NEITHER of his defences did he look overly vulnerable, I’d dare say that’s a compelling argument on the side of Big Show. “You want to challenge me for my title at the biggest, grandest even of them ever, Wrestlemania XX, Madison Square Garden?” “HELL YES!” “I accept. But, understand one thing boy, it’s your funeral, ‘cause I’m gonna walk in March 14th, Madison Square Garden, United States Champion. And whether you can ‘see me’, or not, I’m gonna walk out the United States Champion.”
“Well, I’m gonna walk my pumps so far up your ass my pumps gonna get stuck Now you dealin’ with John Cena, and I don’t give a…”
The buildup of this feel like The Giant’s last big PPV match in WCW at all? There is NO better wrestler on the roster to start a giant push with than getting a strong, hard fought win over The Big Show, ESPECIALLY with the booking he’s been getting lately.
JOSH MATTHEWS forgot to take his Ritalin, and is bouncing off the walls… Why? Because he’s found out that Brock Lesnar is ON THE LOOSE! Call in the zookeeper, because he’s an ANIMAL!
LAST SUNDAY: Brock Lesnar makes the IDIOTIC mistake of calling out Bill Goldberg, and gets beaten up not once, but twice – and costs him the WWE Title in the process.
And as our ADD ridden backstage interviewer clued us in to before the break, BROCK LESNAR is definitely in the house. The fans request the presence of Goldberg, but are denied. He’s in tears, which is an interesting side of the former champ… “I’m not even supposed to be here tonight.” Man alive, he’s channelling the persona of DANTE into his interviews! “Paul Heyman told me to take the night off, but I just couldn’t stay home. I have too much pride. That WWE championship meant too much to me, I can’t stay home. That championship was my life. Unlike Eddie Guerrero, who doesn’t appreciate the damn thing at all. Eddie’s probably gonna go out and pawn that thing off anyways. That’s just how it is, Eddie doesn’t deserve that title. That title is everything to me. I mean, I’m an all American kind of guy. I was a great WWE champion and I don’t understand why that you people can treat me like this. I can’t believe it. I’m a great US citizen! I’m an outstanding guy! I’m an NCAA champion! I was, in my heart, I believe, the greatest WWE champion in history. But in Eddie Guerrero, Eddie Guerrero is a lying, cheating, champion. That’s exactly how Eddie won my title! Eddie Guerrero capitalized on Bill Goldberg. Eddie Guerrero STOLE my TITLE! Eddie Guerrero might be the champion, but I guarantee ya Eddie, your day will come and Brock Lesnar will become the WWE champion once again! But, Bill Goldberg, I got a score to settle with YOU. It was because of you Bill, is why I lost my WWE TITLE! BECAUSE OF YOU BILL! MY LIFE HASN’T BEEN THE SAME! BECAUSE OF YOU BILL! I can’t sleep at night! BILL GOLDBERG, YOU’RE GONNA FEEL THE PAIN! BILL GOLDBERG, I’M GONNA BREAK YOU IN HALF, THAT’S WHAT I’M GONNA DO BILL! So Vince, Mr. McMahon, I know you’re listening to me right, and I know you’re gonna see this. I don’t care what Stone Cold Steve Austin thinks, I don’t care what Paul Heyman thinks, I don’t care what Eric Bischoff thinks. Mr. McMahon, I am asking you…no, I am begging you…no, wait…” He gets down on his knees. “Mr. McMahon, I am begging you from the bottom of my heart, please, please, at Wrestlemania 20, I’m begging you at Wrestlemania 20, give me Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg!” And with that, he cries harder as his music plays.
LOS CHAVO GUERREROS promise a bigger celebration than Eddie’s next week in Kansas City when Junior walks in as the new champion. Junior begs his dad to call this match down the middle, despite Eddie being his brother. Senior promises to do so – and they warmly embrace.
Last week in New York City, Sable and Torrie Wilson sign pictures of their breasts.
TAZZ shills Smackdown! magazine.
Biggest problem with the Brand Extension: They recap the Kane/Undertaker saga on RAW… If they honestly expect me to shell out $35 TWICE a month some day, then start treating RAW like WCW. You don’t recap their stuff on your show. You only discuss their stars if you are MAKING FUN OF THEM. You drop lines like Vince’s line when he rejected DX… “I’d join WCW before I joined DX!” Now THAT was a burn… Anyway, stuff is recapped while I type words.
PAUL HEYMAN finds KURT ANGLE standing over a fallen CHAVO GUERRERO SR. Kurt is INCENSED (meaning he smells wonderful… I like to help out the AOL readers…) that this is still taking place, but now Heyman is getting a little suspicious and glares at Kurt. Kurt isn’t happy, and reminds Heyman HE could be next unless he does something about this.
After the break, Heyman catches up to Kurt – and apologizes for the attacks. Heyman adds that he’s without a referee for the title match, and hands Kurt a blue shirt. “I’m not a referee Paul!” “You are tonight, and you’ll do just fine.”
CHAVO GUERRERO JR. vs. EDDIE GUERRERO (with Lowrider Guerrero) (for the WWE title)
Eddie tosses the belt to Chavo to kick things off – and clotheslines him as soon as he bobbles the catch. Mudholes are stomped and walked dry, and once dry a back elbow seems in order. Scoop slam from Eddie, followed by a slingshot senton bomb – and Chavo begs off. Eddie doesn’t stop, and pounds away in the corner. Chavo comes back with a clothesline and uppercut. A backdrop is on target, and Chavo hammers in some punches. Eddie slams Chavo head first into the top turnbuckle, and puts on a bearhug. He releases that, and chokes Chavo – SMARTLY turning Chavo’s body in such a manner that Kurt is unable to see the hold, and when he moves, Eddie moves. That’s released, but only so Eddie can deliver the 10-punch count-a-long (ending at 5). Eddie applies the Gory Guerrero Special (name ignored by the announcers) – but Chavo slips off the back and hiptosses Eddie. Eddie comes right back with a dropkick for 2. Chavo gets up and throws some punches at Eddie’s back, and finishes the sequence with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. In the corner, uppercuts connects, and Chavo goes for the vertical suplex trifecta – hitting it with ease! Chavo heads to the top rope, deciding to finish with the Froggy Splash, but Eddie blocks the move with his knees. Chavo recovers first, and charges his uncle – but gets backdropped over the top and to the floor. CHAVO GUERRERO SR. makes an appearance now – and demands his role as Special Referee back! Eddie swipes at him, missing Junior back in the ring, who rolls Eddie up for 2. Eddie recovers quickly, and hits a MUCH more impressive looking trifecta of vertical suplexes. Cole: “That’s how it’s done Chavo!” Back suplex from Guerrero – and he’s feeling Froggy!!! He goes – but Senior yanks his son out of the way, and Eddie splashes canvas. REY MYSTERIO JR. runs in now, and you best believe AAA fans are creaming themselves. 619 off the ringpost hits Senior in the head! Senior stands, and Rey bounces off the apron with a Thesz press. REFEREES fly out of the locker room to get Rey the hell out of there, and he goes without a fight. And we need to take our last commercial break!
Upon return, Chavo’s stomping at Eddie’s weakened knee. (He banged it up on the missed Frog Splash) Eddie crawls to the ropes, but Chavo yanks him back to mid ring and puts on standing half crab. Eddie counters with a roll, into a package – and scores 2! Chavo’s out, and kicks away at Eddie again. He wraps the knee around the ropes, and continues to kick at it. When he lets go – he dropkicks Eddie in the head, and covers for 1 before Eddie hooks the ropes. Eddie comes back with some punches, but a dropkick to the knee sends the momentum right back to Chavo. The Indian deathlock is dusted off – and applied beautifully by Chavo. He can’t hold it forever though, and moves over into the standing half crab again. Eddie boots Chavo in the head to escape, and slams home a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Clotheslines are thrown – and Chavo’s put up top. The super rana is hit – and gets 2! Chavo again dropkicks the knee, and heads up, but Eddie blocks it and superplexes his nephew! A closeup reveals that Chavo’s bleeding behind his ear. Not a pretty cut. Eddie hits a powerbomb out of nowhere – goes up top, and hits the Frog Splash!!!! And the reason he’s a World Champion and RVD isn’t, Eddie doesn’t sit around for half an hour before covering. We’ve got…no count??? Kurt suddenly smiles in a sadistic manner, shakes his head no, and DECKS Eddie. I’m guessing that’s it for this. (15:48) **1/2 Kurt drags Eddie outside the ring as Chavo spontaneously combusts and is never heard from again. Eddie gets whipped into the steel steps. “YOU’RE A STUPID BITCH EDDIE GUERRERO!” Angle throws Eddie back in. Angle pounds away at the head of Eddie, and he’s bleeding a gusher from the forehead! He picks Eddie up, and hits an Olympic Slam. The fans pop HUGE for the returning Rey Jr. – but Kurt blocks a rana attempt and powerbombs HIM to the mat. He gets launched out of the ring and into the security wall. Back to Eddie, and Kurt doesn’t go easy with his shots, hitting him over, and over, and over. Outside of the ring he goes, but only to grab the WWE title so he can pose with the belt. Eddie tries to stand, but collapses under his own weight. Kurt’s kind enough to help him up, and then decks him with the MOTHER of all belt shots. After giving Eddie a psychotic look, Kurt slowly walks to the back while Eddie lies in a pool of his own blood.
Great angle to end the show, and the announcers could not have sold it any better by SHUTTING THE HELL UP and letting the action speak for itself! I’m also starting to see the changes that I’ve been reading so much about, whereby they’re allowing the action to once again become the focal point, and giving matches a chance to tell their story. I think RAW had about 4 matches this week, all of them given appropriate time. Believe me, I’m more likely to look at The Big Show as a beast when he’s engaging in 2 minute squashes if the average match is running 9 minutes rather than 3.
I’m THINKING the worst of the down period is over (2002) and once all the old Attitude deadwood is cleared out we’ve got strong days to look ahead to.
Of course, my opinion is mine, and only mine, but you’re reading it, so you’re stuck.
"I suppose it also gives me the Legal Right (in the RAW sense of the word) to BS at the top of my columns about stuff because apparently YOU PEOPLE ARE READING! Yes, YOU!" cfgb, WWE Smackdown!: February 19, 2004, The Wienerboard, Feb. 21, 2004, at 17983, ¶ 2 athttp://wienerboard.com/ newreply.php/id=17983 (emphasis added).
Side Note: I am not sure, I believe that is a valid legal citation. Not sure I would use any wrestling board thread in a legal memorandum, but hey there it is (but you cannot hold me to its accuracy until I verify with my research professor).
Sir, you have absolutely no idea how hard I was laughing when I read that statement. Just the law student in me I suppose. I wonder what the RAW legal codebook consists of. I thought it was just the Stone Cold code. Maybe it is the Raw Annotated Statutes with Stone Cold supplement?
Feedback? Good work as always.
Ortega R S Jr
I know what you're thinking. Did I fire seven shots or six? Well to tell you the truth in all of this confusion I've sorta forgotten myself, so you have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? -Whose Line is it Anyway: Scenes From a Hat (Ryan Stiles as Carol Channing).
i'm sad to say i've missed the last 2 or 3 satires and have some catching up to do. But after last night's RAW, I knew I had to catch this week's Satire. It definitely lived up to what I was expecting. Tough call as far as my favorite parts go.