I'm going to be driving around the fair Old Dominion all day tomorrow and the last thing I want is to think about the shittiness that is Smackdown currently. I will cop out with THIS- a fabulous prediction of the events of Smackdown. I have read the spoilers from the beloved Dave Meltzer but I didn't read/remember/give away any endings, so REJOICE! Happy Thanksgiving, motherfucker. _+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_ FAUNTASY PREDICTIONZ~! _+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_
Rey Mysterio is shown stretching with RVD and his personal trainer. RVD is seductively looking at her while she runs her tongue down the side of a two foot Tommy Chong waterpipe. Rey freaks out when they spontaneously break into "Stir It Up" by Bob Marley and Wailers and start elaborately blowing bong hits into each other's mouths. Rey quickly walks out after getting his one-hitter back just before they start spontaneously reciting NORML pamphlets on industrial use of hemp. Rene Dupree is already in the ring, his eye swollen shut. Tazz explains that Dupree was in a bar in Boston and was stabbed in the eye. Cole uses his low "this is a shoot" voice and talks about the address that fans can send get well cards to. They speak of a strange fat man wearing buffalo skins and buffalo headdress and facepaint fleeing the scene. Rey Rey enters the ring and they lock-up. Rey Rey hits a sweet springboard hurricanrana and settles into a headlock. SUDDENLY! THE LIGHTS GO OUT! SABU?!?! JAKE THE SNAKE?!?!? NO! The houselights come back on and we see Bob Holly and JBL! Bob Holly is with a hacksaw sawing off Renee Dupree's arm. JBL has pulled Misterio's pants down and is soaping up Rey's buttocks. Renee screams in pain. Rey Rey laughs because he is finally accepted as not being a "prima donna".
The TOUGH ENOUGH! finalists come out and each do a promo about how they all have tried to look exactly like Firebreaker Chip. Al Snow announces a SURPRISE! Repelling from the ceiling is FROM WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW- it's EDGE!!!!! He gets on the stick. "Let me tell you punks that I had to PAY MY DUES. I drove all over Manitoba when the lakes would freeze over and wrestled for the indigenous peoples in Northern Manitoba. I wrestled in any east coast indie that would have me- maybe for 25 bucks if I was LUCKY. I honed my skills to be the superstar that is front of you today. Me and EVERYONE in the back- INCLUDING JOSH- have paid their dues. What have you pukes ever done? NOTHING. That's why we hate every last one of you. You know how many PROVEN DRAWS in this company currently have million dollar contracts? I can count them on ONE finger. What have you ever drawn? What have you done to deserve this spot? Absolutely frickin' NOTHING. There is one way for you to PROVE that you aren't a primadonna. I did it. Christian did it. Everybody did it! THAT'S RIGHT!" SUDDENLY! The lights go out! SABU?!?!? JAKE THE SNAKE?!?!?! No, it's JBL and he's got a bar of soap and he's wearing nothing but a grin the size of Texas! There is thwipping sound of collective cornshoots clenching tight as all the Tough Enough! contestants flee the arena- never to be heard from again.
Rob Van Dam and Kenzo Suzuki come to the ring. I can't even imagine how shitty this match will be. My fauntasy skills weep and it's teeth gnash in hatred.
Big Show, Luther Reigns, Michael Cole, Tazz and Joy Giovanni have a kareoke contest. Reigns destroys them all with his hot rendition of "Everybody's Workin' for The Weekend."
Kurt Angle local boy invitational is in Rochester this evening. Cody Steele comes out and they lock up. Steele gets Angle in a headlock. SUDDENLY! The lights go out! SABU?!?!?! JAKE THE SNAKE?!?!? No. It's it's it's OHMAHGOD! IT'S ROADBLOCK! Roadblock grabs Angle and Steele's scalps and smashes their heads together. He gives each one a giant splash. He screams a loud jolting warwhoop and SUDDENLY! Rick Fuller and Adrian Byrd show up at ringside to show their solidarity. The Southern Posse and Eddy Jackie repel from the ceiling. Coming from the crowd, wearing R.I.P. RENEGADE t-shirts, it's Tim Cheeks and Bobby Hardwork Walker. They start a chant of "Break It! Break It! BreakIt!" Roadblock goes wild and bustes both Steele and Angle open hardway with savage headbutts. He makes a Breaking A Stick motion with his hand and grabs Angle's leg. While breaking Angle's leg with an Indian Deathlock, Roadblock pulls down Steele's pants and begins soaping up his ass. Steele smiles knowing that he isn't considered a "primadonna."
Dawn Marie comes out in a Vampirella outfit and an Indian headdress. It's a baffling combination but everyone who ever read Warren magazines blow viscuous loads over their bound Rook collection onto their 1976 Frank Frazetta calendar.
JBL and Orlando Jordan wrestle Booker T and Eddie Guerrero. Eddy and Orlando take it to the mat early- exchanging front facelocks and floating over into roll-ups. Eddy hits the ropes and lands a sweet dropkick, knocking Jordan over the rope and hitting the floor. Eddy goes out and rolls him back in. Orlando takes advantage of Eddy getting through the ropes and knees him in the stomach as he steps through. Orlando gets Eddy in a headlock. SUDDENLY! The lights go out! SABU?!?!? JAKE THE SNAKE?!?! YES! IT IS! Sabu is stumbling around because he has taken a massive amount of drugs to not feel all the nerve damage. He gets his bearings and crushes JBL with an Arabian Facebuster. Jake the Snake hits a hellish lariat on Eddy and blinds Jordan by throwing powder in his eyes. Jake the Snake goes completely batshit because he realizes that he just accidentally threw four thousand dollars worth of cocaine into Jordan's eyes. Booker T takes Sabu and bodyslams him and puts a barbedwire board across Sabu's upper body. Booker T destroys Sabu with a truly hellish Harlem Hangover. Booker T gets a two count but Jake drags him off and then DDTs everybody , including Sabu and the ref. Tazz T-bone Suplexes Cole and joins Sabu and Jake in the ring. The WCW Worldwide Disciples surround the ring and the WWE logo comes up.
Thanksgiving. DEAN. Wrestling. Fantasy. Now, where is the most important part where DEAN discusses his fantasies of Miss Atlanta Lively from Starrcade '85. That probably meant more to you that evening than even Tully vs. Magnum I Quit.
Still waiting patiently for Game 8 of the Red Sox/Yankee series.
Originally posted by redsoxnationThanksgiving. DEAN. Wrestling. Fantasy. Now, where is the most important part where DEAN discusses his fantasies of Miss Atlanta Lively from Starrcade '85. That probably meant more to you that evening than even Tully vs. Magnum I Quit.
The fauntasy booking of the Vampirella outfit was pathetic enough. I didn't want to get into the "selflove to Rumble Roses" area of pathetic creepiness.
``The SmackDown Fauntasy Workrate Report is a must for all of you. If you don't go and read it, I shall personally come around to your houses and drag you out by the scruff of the neck. I shall belt you around the mouth, and mouth you around the belt. Do you understand what I'm saying? Read the SmackDown Fauntasy Workrate Report. Rated R. Under seventeen not admitted without parent.''
I need DEAN-booked wrestling on my television. STAT.
Firstly, the only cavassing of users you should be doing is with a heavy tarpaulin, a stack of bricks and a deep stretch of water" -- BOFH speaks the truth about surveys
"If you want me to watch the shows, buy tickets when you come to town, buy t-shirts, and pay for a PPV every three days, you bet your ass I'm going to hard to impress. And when you give me stuff that blows and then tell me I don't get a vote on sharing that opinion, I'm going to tell you to go catch an STD." - Hogan's My Dad
"My brother saw the Undertaker walking through an airport." - Rex "Was he no-selling?" - Me
Geez, did anyone watch Smackdown? Well, I'll have to try to guess what happened by using the WWE's recap information.
Kurt Angle vs "Completely" Cody Steele. Cody Steele's website says he's from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. He is participating in the Kurt Angle Home Town Invitational. And, oh by the way, Smackdown was coming to you from Rochester, NY. Angle made quick work of the young American/Canadian, because he was afraid he would use the "Puder Manuver" against him.
Speaking of boring Tough Enough guys, there's one less to worry about. Daniel Rodimer was eliminated. Good, because he sucked anyways. So the four remaining guys ended up having an arm-wrestling contest. The winner, and the Carmela of the group, remains Daniel Puder, who beat Ryan Reeves in the final by using his secret "Over The Top" move.
Speaking of not-quite-real wrestling, we had the obligatory Thanksgiving themed women's match. I was hoping for a gravy-bowl match again, but they gave us the not nearly as interesting "Pilgrims vs Indians" match with Miss Jackie as a Pilgrim and Dawn Marie as an Indian. The match ended in no contest, however, when Miss Jackie gave Dawn Marie a blanket infected with smallpox, and then Dawn Marie left the ring to start a casino. Too bad.
Speaking of ethnic stereotypes, Rey Mysterio & Rob Van Dam found out the will get a shot for the WWE Tag Team Championships at Armageddon vs the Odd Couple, Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree. So, to build up to that, we had Mysterio vs Dupree and RVD vs Kenzo. Rey got the win with the 6-1-9, while RVD won by disqualification due to Kenzo's use of a foreign object, namely Hiroko's sash. Kenzo was heard to remark (in Japanese): "IT AIN'T FOREIGN IN JAPAN, BUSTER!"
Speaking of unusual customs, we got to see what Big Show eats for Thanksgiving, and it turns out to be more than all the Pilgrims had at the first Thanksgiving. Big Show shed quite a tear when a bunch of the food got wasted in a food fight that started when Luther Reigns shoved a pie in Joy's (recently of the Diva Search) face. I think he was just trying to cure her of her anorexia myself.
Speaking of personal problems, apparently John Cena has reinjured his kidneys due to when Jesus punched him with the steel chain. Buddah would never have done that.
Speaking of religious figures, the Undertaker couldn't help getting involved in the main event, which was originally scheduled as JBL & Orlando Jordan vs Booker T & Eddie Guerrero. Oh, the main event was crazy. Eddie had just given JBL a Frog Splash when the Bashams came from the crowd dressed in fans clothing and attacked him, allowing JBL to get the pin. I knew it was the Bashams, but I thought they were just there as fans, because I seem to recall the Bashams getting fired a month ago. Either that or they were just on Heat the whole time. So JBL & Orlando are celebrating, and the lights go out. SABU?!?!?! JAKE THE SNAKE?!?!? No, it's just the Undertaker, who choke-slammed JBL to end the night.
NOTE: The above post makes no sense. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Is Dean talking about the card game Rook? If so, my family played that game all the time when I was a kid. I loved that game, although the "dummy" hand always got the good cards.
And, If Tim Cheeks comes anywhere near a WWE arena in my lifetime, I might have to go down and soap up Vince's roided up buttocks.
WADSWORTH: The games up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun. SCARLET: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick? WADSWORTH: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study. Two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram. SCARLET:That's not six. WADSWORTH: One plus two plus two plus one. SCARLET:Nuh, uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus ONE plus one. WADSWORTH: Even if you are right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one. SCARLET:(thinking) Okay, fine.One plus two plus one--(angered) Shut up!