I don't know why we come here. I guess I just need the bang.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
- Rey Rey comes out and watches wrestling. That silver mask is motherfucking awesome. Tajiri comes out does weird body language. Hey, Ultimo Dragon is on my TV set. He fucking rules. Ultimo and Tajiri start on the mat and if this was WCW in 1998 and this was WCW Saturday Night, they would go five minutes on the mat we would wet our pants in collective Lucha-cum-Puroresu internet Hardcore Wrestling Fans Of Wrestling As A Motherfucking ARTFORM bliss. Here, they kinda do some spots and don't tell any kind of story or anything else you like about a good Ultimo Dragon match. Ultimo hits the QUEBRADORA and Rey calls it. UD hits the SWEEEEEET La Majistral. Tajiri kinda kicks UD in the head and there you go. Clean is good, I guess. Kinda makes Ultimo look like the masked Japanese Dusty Wolf. Fuck aaawwwllllllllll that. I want a real match, you fucking WWE booking shitheads.
- UTusaMUGA gets on the stick. He challenges the FBI for some reason. FBI comes out and I get to remember that the FBI exists. HEY! Chuck vs UTusaMUGA and I'm actually really fucking stoked. Chuck rules. Chuck can sell and Chuck throws some swanky punches. He also isn't afraid to bump and bump and bump all over the ring for UT so this could be a... what the fuck? It's over? That was like 45 seconds long. This show sucks dick.
- Linda McMahon is awesome. I love community theatre and so should you. I long to hear her sing "Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat" offkey while stagehands move the cardboard waves back and forth. Linda and Stephanie are in the ring together and I would SOOOOOOOOO fuck Linda before I'd fuck the freakish Stephanie. I would probably take the foam off the microphone and fuck that before I would fuck Stephanie. I could always loosen the turnbuckle and- with the help of some karo syrup- could mount the space between the turnbuckle cover and big bolt. I could use Linda's hoop earrings as Dual Action Cockrings and mount Linda's leather coat like some kind of overgrown pathetic schnauzer stuck in a closet. Sable comes out and now the order of things in the ring that could receive my pleasing gargantuan love: it's Linda, then microphone cover, then the turnbuckle, then the dual action cockring mounting of the Linda Leather Coat, then pleasuring Vince McMahon's Pocket Poontang-esque toupee, then maybe Stephanie if she wears a hockey mask and does slap pushups while pleasuring me with her gigantic titties and then.... maybe Sable's truss. I'm kidding. I would fuck the living hell out of all four. All at once. Linda first though. See her sell the weak stomach kick and not want to sell it because it exposed the biz so much. She so carny, I would fuck her on the ferris wheel.
- Paul London does some acting. You can't tell me that he isn't cute. Sable looks like she would be the madame at the whorehouse where Paul London's dad would take him to have his first sexual experience. You can see her saying, "Okay, baby, calm down and breathe" as London hyperventilates at the point of penetration. But they don't go there and instead book a squash match- as opposed to utilizing Sable in a compelling way.
- Orlando Jordan is hoping for another shit-based win over the Big Show. Instead we get another 1 minute squash. Smackdown can get on it's knees and inhale every ounce of the semen blowing out of my junk today.
- Eddy sounds all gay and weird in his Josh interview- like the Brazillian dance instructor from that latter day Simpsons episode. I think he called Josh "stupid lady" at one point. Big Show beats the shit out of Eddy in a valient attempt to save whatever dignity Eddy has left. God bless you Big Show. We await you awash in your own feces.....
- Battle Rap? If this involved their entourages shooting at each other outside of the Source Awards, I would prolly dig it. Cole has street cred. Oh wait, he says "pound and ground" again. He has no street cred. Taz does a valiant effort of trying to not make this seem as absolutely retarded as it is. Fucking hit somebody in the motherfucking head with a goddamn chair and make a motherfucker bleed already. Jesus. What is this shit trying to get itself over as wrestling? This is complete cum-sucking purile dogshit. God, breakdance at least. Cena's kicks are so weak that he is in danger of getting signed by the Giants.
- Zach Gowan wrestles Shannon Moore. Matt is on commentary! MATT FUCKING ROCKS! I guess Zach didn't actually need the cane earlier. FUCK ZACH! WHERE'S MATT'S FABULOUS VIDEO PACKAGE! WHERE IS IT?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PROBLEM WWE CORPORATE SHITHEADS?!?! MOTHERFUCKING SCUMBAGS! Shannon sells for the hilariously improbable offense of Zach Gowan. SHANNON MOORE IS A BETTER WRESTLER AND ENTERTAINER! FUCK ZACH GOWAN! MATT IS RIGHT! FUCKING TRASHEATING DIRTBAGS! Shannon beats the shit out of the one-legged guy and one-legged guy still bumps like a fucking psycho. He should bumps less and learn how to punch more. FUCK HIM UP, MATT! Zach doesn't even honor the fucking schoolboy! ZACH GOWAN CAN SUCK MATT HARDY'S JIMINY WINKY! Luckily, Shannon gets the well deserved win! This would work any other week but I decided that one hour in, nothing is making it to the top. Zach Gowan needs to discover the wonders of steroids and the wonders of throwing credible looking punches. I do love Zach Gowan though. Yes I do.
- Chris Benoit is on my TV set and that makes me happy. HEY! THE APA! The Bashams attack the APA and Benoit fights off the Bashams and A-Train shows up and it's all a big clusterfuck. Oh, it's a threeway? It's two on three? Okay. I understand now. Bashams and A-Train beat on Bradshaw for a while. They carry out Farooq and there will... be... no clubbing forearms. Benoit rules as house a-fire. A-Train is king-sized going up for Benoit's Germans. Postmatch, the Bashams hit Bradshaw with forearms but they are not clubbing. Not forearms that club. There was no clubbing to their forearms- just forearms, forearms that did not club. Clubbing Forearms.... I thought I hated you until I didn't see you for 5 weeks. Then I saw the Bashams forearms try to be you and it only made me want the real thing more. What a fool I've been. I loved you so much that I had to hide my love away but you WERE THERE! Inside my heart, knowing the TRUTH. You, beloved clubbing forearms, were there- a spy in the house of love- knowing that behind my spewing of venom and hatred was a tinge of love that you would nurture into a something meaningful, something deep, something REAL. I will win you for me, clubbing forearms. I will make you love me or die trying. Clubbing forearms, I love you. But I want to know for sure. Clubbing forearms, you move me.
- Paul London looks kinda like Zach Gowan with two legs next to Brock. Brock letting London touch his title was like a fifteen year old girl letting a boy touch her boobies- so it was creepy enough for me to like. Aaaaaand another squash. MOTYC~! Gee, Smackdown isn't very good tonight. Spanky comes out and shortens his career by five years. Jeff Hardy's career has taught nobody anything.
- Chavo calls Josh a fucking idiot for asking such a fucking fuckheaded question about his motherfucking uncle who just had the fuck beaten out of him by motherfucking Big Show. Chavo gets revenge on Big Show (I'm guessing!). BUT WAIT! A COMMERCIAL FIRST! We get to let our imaginations RUN WILD~! WHAT WILL THE REVENGE BE?!?! WHAT COULD IT BE?!?! What is going to HAPPEN?!??! I shiver with antici...(SAY IT! SAY IT!)...pation. Chavo calls oot Big Show. Chavo uses huervos and fat ass in the same sentence. Big Show's theme fucking ROCKS! IT'S THE BIG SHOW! Big Show is dressed like he has to go to court. Not for assault or anything. More like he's gonna try to get out of a speeding ticket. CHICKEE LICKEE! Eddy comes out and sprays Big Show with streams of shit. The fact that Eddy didn't use his own ass to spew shit all over the Big Show makes it so that I can't really get behind this.
Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENPostmatch, the Bashams hit Bradshaw with forearms but they are not clubbing. Not forearms that club. There was no clubbing to their forearms- just forearms, forearms that did not club. Clubbing Forearms.... I thought I hated you until I didn't see you for 5 weeks. Then I saw the Bashams forearms try to be you and it only made me want the real thing more. What a fool I've been. I loved you so much that I had to hide my love away but you WERE THERE! Inside my heart, knowing the TRUTH. You, beloved clubbing forearms, were there- a spy in the house of love- knowing that behind my spewing of venom and hatred was a tinge of love that you would nurture into a something meaningful, something deep, something REAL. I will win you for me, clubbing forearms. I will make you love me or die trying. Clubbing forearms, I love you. But I want to know for sure. Clubbing forearms, you move me.
Dean - that one paragraph was better than anything I saw tonight on Smackdown - you rule!
Yo, it's me, it's me, it's (points to self) P-A-B!
This show definately needed the return of Al Wilson. Glad the Sox game was on so I didn't have to endure this crapfest (also, thank God for spoilers so I knew I wouldn't miss anything). Its time for the IWC to unite under one purpose and invite Sam and Ella to the McMahon family wedding rehearsal.
Where's the spaceship? The Mayor promised a spaceship if we beat the A's, and I want my spaceship.