Victory Road recap will be coming on Sunday, and then we’ll hit the December, January, and February Jukeboxes!
Strong opening highlight package details the history of the Royal Rumble, followed by the West Side Story ad they’ve been playing for weeks. Oddly enough, this is NOTHING compared to what TNA’s been busting out lately.
It’s time to BLOW THINGS UP because we are LIVE LIVE LIVE SO LIVE from Fresno, California. A bunch of announcers are ringside, including TAZZ, MICHAEL COLE, HUGO SAVINOVICH, and CARLOS CABRERA. As well, JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER make noises from the sidelines.
EDGE vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
Interesting choice of opener, though I guess it makes sense since the boys are pulling double duty. Michaels attacks before the bell, and takes Edge to the outside with a Cactus clothesline – though adds a twist by then skinning the cat. Edge is not nearly as impressed as the fans, and pulls on his hair while we pause for an “HBK” chant! Back in, Michaels chops away at Edge and slams him face first to the buckle. Edge comes back with a swinging neckbreaker, drawing an “EDGE SUCKS” chant. They start trading punches, but Edge, using his head, drives his thumb to the eye. Michaels comes back with a Thesz press, and dumps Edge over the top. Michaels follows, and Edge takes him down with a Slop Drop. A beautiful baseball slide dropkick hits the target, and Edge is firmly in control now. Back in, Michaels takes a whip to the buckle and collapses. Edge gives us a grin and drops a knee on Shawn’s face. Michaels attempts a rana, but Edge turns it into a short powerbomb and gets 2. The rear naked choke is worked, and Michaels is fading fast. Shawn fights with all he’s got, and calls on the power of Jesus. Next thing you know, his toes are tapping and he’s back on his feet, so Edge drops him immediately, and does HBK’s pose to some nasty heat. Edge has arrived! Michaels is taken face first to the buckle, and then given a jawbreaker over the top rope. Edge goes for a top rope crossbody, but misses, and Michaels rolls him up in a crucifix for 2! Edge is not impressed, and gives Shawn the Sweet Chin Music for 2! Edge goes for a slam, but Michaels counters in midair to land on top for 2. Edge quickly clotheslines the boytoy and applies a chinlock. Michaels starts to get worked up again though, and chops his way free. A running kneelift and sledge take Edge off his game. Atomic drop, clothesline, and atomic drop combo have him staggering. 10-punch count-a-long ends at 5 when Edge tries a sunset flip, only to see it blocked by Michaels for 2. A catapult gets 2, and Edge has had enough and takes off. Michaels is RIGHT behind him down the aisle though and drags him back to ringside. The referee tells Michaels to get it in the ring, and the distraction is enough for Edge to set up, and hit the spear!!!! Edge allows Michaels to play dead on the floor, by rolling in recover for awhile. Michaels gets back into the ring at 9, and Edge can’t believe it. However, he dances around to taunt the fans, and tunes up the band. The spear hits a second time, Edge goes for the pin…and gets 2!!! That’s enough for Edge to totally flip, and starts going Mankind by ripping his hair out of his head in huge clumps!!!! Michaels is placed on the top rope where they slug it out. A headbutt from Michaels wins the exchange, knocking Edge back, and he follows with his elbow off the top! Michaels is up at 8, and warms up the band to a loud reaction. Edge BRILLIANTLY counters the Sweet Chin Music with an electric chair and gets 2!! Next, we move to the Edgecutioner submission hold, but Michaels is fighting. He makes the ropes, and Edge collapses in frustration. We see that Edge is bleeding from the mouth, right before Michaels catches him in a schoolboy for 2. They roll back towards the ropes where Edge uses Michaels’ momentum to get on top, hooks the ropes with his arms while the ref is out of position, and scores the illegal 3 count at 18:34!!!! ***1/2 Awesome opener to get the crowd going! Edge celebrates on the ramp while Michaels makes sour faces in the ring.
Backstage, ERIC BISCHOFF and TEDDY LONG stand by a hopper with all the Rumble numbers inside. Long figures Smackdown! is going to win their third Rumble in a row, but Bischoff shrugs and says even if they do, RAW will just steal them again. CHRISTY HEMME and TORRIE WILSON are our designated hopper skanks, whose purpose is to stand around pointing at it. EDDIE GUERRERO and RIC FLAIR are called in to draw numbers. Flair goes first, and celebrates his number with a loud “WOOOOOOO!” Guerrero seems a lot less impressed with his while Flair bounces around. Eddie offers Flair a handshake, and then a long manly hug before taking off. Everyone wants to see the number Flair got, which he shows off with glee. Long: “You sure you’re happy about that number playa? You’d better take another look dawg!” Flair’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head as he screams “GUERRERO! GUERRERO! GUERRERO STOLE MY NUMBER!!!!”
JON HEIDENREICH sits all alone in his locker room, mumbling about his hatred of caskets. GENE SNITSKY happens in. “I hear you don’t like caskets.” “Like? I don’t like caskets! I hate them!” “I know… I know you hate caskets. I don’t like them either. But I do like you Jon.” “I like you too Gene. But I still hate caskets.” “I know. I know Jon. But I have an idea.” “You do?” “Yeah.” “Okay.” GREATEST SEGMENT EVER!!!!!!!!!!
THE DROIDS wander out to ringside with a casket.
JON HEIDENREICH (with Little Johnny) vs. THE UNDERTAKER (in a casket match)
Undertaker starts this intense brawl with…a headlock. They trade hiptosses, and Tazz celebrates them as great wrestling moves you don’t see every day. Running shoulderblock from Heidenreich is no sold, and Taker drops an elbow. Single leg Boston crab is applied, and Heidenreich crawls towards the ropes…but sees the casket, and runs like hell up the ramp. Taker follows, but gets whipped into the casket via Jon. Heidenreich slams Taker face first to the casket several times, and they head back in. He hammers away and declares it “MY WORLD!” Then he rips off his mask and reveals he’s Jeff Jarrett! WHATASWERVE! Taker slaps on a triangle choke, using the ropes for leverage – then drops down in the middle of the ring and Jon has nowhere to go. GENE SNITSKY is suddenly in the ring, and stomping away at Taker! My hero!!!! He takes down Taker, and the fans start chanting loudly for Kane. Double suplex, and the freaks take turns dropping elbows. They start to drag Taker to the casket, and demand it be opened…and KANE emerges. He destroys My New Favorite Tag-Team single handedly, and drags Snitsky through the crowd towards the back. In the midst of the madness, Heidenreich starts wheeling the casket up the ramp to get rid of it. He misses the fact Taker’s alive and well, and winds up getting slammed face first to the casket. Heidenreich quickly whips Taker towards the ringsteps, and Taker slams knee first, and takes a nasty little bump. Jon starts tearing apart the protective ringside mats, then grabs the casket and drives it right into Taker’s ribs, sandwiching him into the ring. Back in, Jon puts on the Worst Cobra Clutch In The World, even dropping the hold a couple times. Yeesh. Taker passes out, so Heidenreich rolls him into the casket, but he gets his arm in the way as they start closing the door. He pulls Heidenreich halfway into the casket, and drops his leg on the lid – drawing a “HOLY SHIT” chant. Heidenreich is quick to recover, and plants Taker with a Black Hole Slam. He tries a pinfall, but the referee reminds him of the rules to a casket match. Heidenreich: “I WON!!!!” When he realizes he hasn’t, he puts Taker in the casket, but the arm shoots out in a choke hold, and Jon can’t close the lid. Back in, Taker hits the DDT and calls for the chokeslam. It connects, and so does the ensuing Tombstone! The casket is opened, Heidenreich is rolled in, and that does it at 13:21. 1/4* Horrid on just about every level. Can we STOP booking these two with each other for awhile???
TEDDY LONG finds EDDIE GUERRERO, and asks for Ric’s number back. EVOLUTION comes bursting into the room, yelling and screaming – but Long wants peace, and demands the number. Triple H: “Cough it up jumping bean!” Eddie hands it back and tries to take off, but Long’s not done. “Eddie, give it up dawg.” Guerrero hands back Flair’s wallet, causing Flair’s forehead vein to explode. Batista wants to go get his number for the Rumble, but Triple H tells him they’re going over their plans for Orton NOW. Batista doesn’t look pleased about taking orders from Hunter anymore, but Flair plays peacemaker as usual.
CHRISTIAN and TYSON TOMKO are trying to find out what numbers the other superstars have drawn from ERIC BISCHOFF, but Eazy-E isn’t talking. TEDDY LONG comes back in and lets us know the Guerrero situation is worked out. Christian: “Teddy Long! I just signed a petition to get you kicked off Smackdown!, you how doing?” He asks for his number from the ladies. “That’s a tough job you’ve got, you should be proud of yourselves.” Christian pulls out his number, and he’s THRILLED! JOHN CENA wanders in and shakes hands with Bischoff. “Burt Reynolds, I loved you in Boogie Nights!” Christian: “Hold on a second, hold on a second… John Cena in the house, everybody take notice. I’ve seen your act Cena, and it doesn’t impress me, not one bit. This whole freestyle rapping, I could beat you in a rap contest any day of the week. ANY DAY.” “Alright homie, show me some street cred right now.” “Tomko, give me a beat.” “No!”
“My name is Christian The king of crunk I’m gonna take you to school Cena And you’re gonna flunk I’m Captain Charisma Read ‘em and weeps I’m gonna throw you out For all my peeps Just like Dracula drinks blood in Transylvania I’m winning the Rumble and going on to Wrestlemania”
“Captain Charisma, walking around with yo fake smile Thinking you can rap just ‘cause you watched 8-Mile Word on the street is your peeps are weak And you and Blackbeard share a bed when you sleep Yo, it’s the chain game, we run the show now Tonight’s like your sex life, your ass is gonna go down I go to the ring when my name is called You can pick my number, you like playing with balls”
KURT ANGLE vs. THE BIG SHOW vs. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD (with Orlando Jordan) (for the WWE title)
Someday this is going to be looked back on as one of the biggest ribs in the history of pro-wrestling. I keep expecting Vince to burst out laughing and say “JUST KIDDING BOYS – you didn’t think I was serious about this Bradshaw thing didja?” and we’d all smile because we’re on Candid Camera…but it doesn’t come. Angle opts to let Bradshaw and Show start – and you can guess what happens from there. Well it’s a big headbutt! Well it’s a big chop! Angle loves the massacre going on inside the ring, and encourages the behavior to continue. It does. JBL tries a crossbody and gets slammed. Show drops a leg, and gets 2 before Kurt saves. Show beats on Kurt for awhile, and gets rid of him with a hard whip to the buckle. JBL tries to suplex Big Show, but JBL is NOT Brock Lesnar, and it’s countered. Angle takes a big boot from Show, and then both heels are dumped to the outside. Show follows and slams Kurt face first into the steps. JBL is sent head first to the ringpost. Angle is fed Show’s ass. Show grabs ringsteps and sets them up by the announce table while both guys are down and out. AHHHHHHHHHHHTHECHOKESLAM is called for, and Show drags JBL up the stairs…but Angle lowblows the big man, smacks him in the face with a TV camera, and Show topples through the announce table. Angle and JBL head in, where Angle gives Bradshaw an armdrag, and works an armbar. Bradshaw escapes, but he’s quickly back down with a double leg takedown, and a keylock is worked. Bradshaw again escapes, and this time hits a running corner clothesline. A second one misses, and here comes the rolling Germans! The first hits with ease. The second one is fought like crazy, but Kurt ducks away from a Clothesline From Hell, and hits it. The Olympic Slam is attempted, but Bradshaw slips away and gives Kurt a big boot for 2. Show’s had enough time to recover, and gets back in to clothesline anyone that moves. Both guys eat clotheslines, headbutts, bodyslams, and more! They’re stacked in the corner, where Show hits the running butt bump, then clotheslines both guys simultaneously! Chokeslam is called for, but the heels team up. Clothesline From Hell hits at the same time as Angle clips Show from behind!!!! Angle takes out JBL, and steals the 2! OLYMPIC SLAM on Show!!! However, that takes everything out of Kurt, and JBL is able to kick him to the floor and take the 2 count on Show! Show’s back on his feet, and hits the Chokeslam on JBL…for 2??? Bradshaw rolls to the outside safety, but Show’s right behind him. He charges at Bradshaw, and spears him into the barricade, causing both guys to go crashing through it!!! Show recovers first while Kurt grabs a chair and brings it into the ring. THE BASHAMS run down to check on Bradshaw while Show gets back in. Angle charges with the chair, but winds up taking a hotshot courtesy of Show onto it! That gets 2 before MARK JINDRAK saves the day. LUTHER REIGNS pulls Show out of the ring, and the duo work him over. Meanwhile, the Bashams and Jordan check on Bradshaw who’s being put onto a stretcher. Jordan yanks him off the stretcher and rolls JBL back in. Bradshaw hits a woozy Angle with the Clothesline From Hell, and steals the win at 12:06. **3/4 Way too short for a title match to mean anything.
CARLOS CARRIBEAN COOL asks BATISTA for his signature to remove Teddy Long as the GM. Batista wishes him luck in his quest, but won’t sign. Carlos takes a bite of his apple, at which point Batista asks him if he saw what he did with the flagpole on RAW last week to La Resistance? Carlos swallows his apple, and Batista again wishes him luck, slapping him on the injured shoulder. He continues to walk in to get his number where ERIC BISCHOFF whines at TEDDY LONG about all the interference in his title match. Bischoff declares that his title match won’t have any since Evolution is now banned from ringside. Batista shrugs, and says he’ll inform Hunter himself.
Wrestlemania 21 promo sees Eugene playing the role of Forrest Gump. “Hello! My name is Eugene. Do you want a chocolate? I could eat about a million and a half of these. My mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. But I think life is more like Wrestlemania. Like at Wrestlemania III when Hogan picked up Andre The Giant and he bodyslammed him. Or last year at Wrestlemania when Chris Benoit made Triple H tap out! Or Wrestlemania XIV when Mike Tyson punched Shawn Michaels in the face! He just reared back and…” *WHAM!* Eugene cranks the nurse sitting on the bench next to him! William Regal checks on her… “RUN EUGENE, RUN!” Gold!
RANDY ORTON vs. TRIPLE H (for the world heavyweight title)
The boys talk trash pre-match, and it leads to a bitch slap. No, really. Orton tries a backslide for an early 2. He backdrops Hunter and tries the RKO, but Triple H slides out to the floor. If he didn’t add that idiotic jump first, maybe he’d hit the move once in awhile. Back in, a dropkick gets 2. Triple H tries to fire back with the 10 punch count-a-long, but winds up taking a snake eyes. Orton decides again to go for the RKO, so this time Hunter uses his flying momentum to send Randy to the floor. For good measure, Triple H whips Randy into the steps and does Orton’s pose. They head back in where Hunter chokes Orton out. An audible “RANDY SUCKS” chant breaks out while Triple H clips Randy. Orton: “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…” Triple H clips Orton a second time, and Orton’s just squealing now. Hunter starts working over the leg, and Randy’s counter is to…pull hair. Is it any wonder why the fans are turning on him here? Speaking of which, Orton sneaks in a small package for 2 – and the fans boo it. They don’t boo Triple H’s figure four, and in fact encourage it with a round of “WOOOOO!” After about 2 minutes, Orton manages to reverse, and Triple H makes the ropes for safety. After fighting off Triple H a little, Orton hits a backbreaker, and the fans are happily booing the hell out of him now. A pair of neckbreakers gets 2. A powerslam gets 2. Hunter tries going up, but he gets armdragged off the top – and Orton follows with a top rope crossbody for 2. Next, Triple H tries a Pedigree, but he winds up getting catapulted into the corner. Orton tries an RKO for the third time, and for a third time he’s shoved off, and then hit with a running kneelift for 2. And Triple H joins the Lame Finisher game, by having the Pedigree countered a second time, this time with a clothesline. A series of punches have Triple H teetering, but Orton can’t hit ANYTHING because his DDT attempt is blocked with the ropes, and Randy crashes hard. The announcers speculate that Orton’s got a concussion from the impact with the mat, as Randy gazes off into…nothing. Triple H avalanches Orton, and hits the referee simultaneously before kicking him out of the ring. Bring on the sledgehammer! Before the hit, Orton does manage to give Triple H a drop toe hold – sending him nose first to the steps. Orton continues to stagger around though, completely out of it. He walks right into a hard clothesline. Seconds later we get the Pedigree, and Triple H retains his belt at 21:28. **1/2 This was the feud that was supposed to set the world on fire in Wrestlemania’s main event, just a couple months ago, huh?
LITTLE GUIDO celebrates having drawn a spot in the Rumble, but KURT ANGLE steps into the picture and steals his number. Nunzio wants it back, and Kurt tells him he can have it…if he wants to fight for it. Nunzio declines.
Back at the hopper, TEDDY LONG congratulates ERIC BISCHOFF on his excellent title match. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD along with HIS POSSE drunkenly crash the party. “Man that Amy looks good sober, can you imagine what she’s gonna look like after this bottle?” Long lets Bradshaw know his next opponent will be Big Show at No Way Out. “What’s he gonna do, eat me?” He doesn’t seem worried. Long says there will be no outside interference. Bradshaw still doesn’t care. Long lets him know it’ll be a barbed wire steel cage… NOW he’s speechless!
THE ROYAL RUMBLE
Last year’s Wrestlemania superstars, EDDIE GUERRERO and CHRIS BENOIT draw lucky #1 and #2. So Benoit has a chance to go coast-to-coast a second time. Rather than wait it out and team up, they opt to wrestle like idiots. Guerrero works a front face lock and turns it into a snapmare. They continue to wrestle while #3 DANIEL PUDER joins. He gets on the mic and lets the fans know we’re watching history, because he’s gonna be the first Tough Enough champion to win the Rumble. Well, since he was begging for it, Benoit and Eddie proceed to chop the shit out of him. The boys give him a double suplex. Benoit hits a backdrop suplex, and Eddie hits his Three Amigos trifecta. My best friend and I called what was happening next, and indeed we were on the money as HARDCORE HOLLY walks out at #4. Bob wastes no time in taking it to the kid, stiffly chopping away. Benoit and Eddie get in their shots for kicks. Tazz: “JR, I think they knocked his areola off.” Alabama Slam! THE HURRICANE heads out at #5 at the same time as Puder FINALLY getting tossed at 6:00. Benoit and Eddie then send Holly packing at 6:12. The red-chested club continues here, as Hurricane takes a series of chops from the Radicals. However, Eddie gets cocky and tries to send Benoit over – leading to the two of them fighting. Hurricane hits Eddie with the Blockbuster, so Benoit and Eddie team up again and dump him at 7:22. KENZO SUZUKI heads to the ring, without his wife as #6. Benoit chops him while Eddie holds him hostage. Eddie hits a dropkick, Benoit snap suplexes Suzuki out of his boots, and they have him on the ropes. Eddie hits Kenzo with a backdrop suplex, but Benoit tries to dump Eddie. Guerrero hangs on as EDGE joins us at #7. He pounds on Eddie off the bat, but turns his attention to Benoit soon thereafter. Kenzo tries to dump Chris, so Edge turns to Guerrero. Eddie hangs on for dear life, and doesn’t get tossed. Edge’s former tag-team partner, REY MYSTERIO JR. is #8. Apparently THAT is out the door though, because Rey gives Edge a bulldog immediately. Kenzo attacks, but Rey is quick enough to give him a rana that sends him to the floor at 11:17. Eddie nails Rey with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, then does the same to Benoit. SHELTON BENJAMIN is #9, and goes straight for Edge. Shelton pounds away in the corner while Benoit has Rey nearly gone. Eddie tries to get both guys at the same time, but everyone hangs on. Rey then saves Edge from elimination by clipping Shelton, then hits a gorgeous rana!!! BOOKER T heads out as #10. He beats the crap out of Edge, like everyone else before him. Rey nearly gets dumped by Shelton, and ERIC BISCHOFF heads down to ringside. He’s just hear to cheer on RAW talent though. Benoit puts Eddie in a Boston crab, but Rey breaks that up. CHRIS JERICHO gets #11, and there’s an awful lot of star power in that ring right now. Jericho chops away at, you guessed it, Edge! Edge takes a backdrop before Chris turns his attention to Eddie. TEDDY LONG heads down, and roots on his Smackdown! boys. LUTHER REIGNS breaks up the string of awesome as #12. The four RAW guys square off on one side, and the four Smackdown! on the other. The fans are rabid as everyone starts beating the crap out of eachother. MUHAMMAD HASSAN is #13, and heads down with KHOSROW DAVAIRI. Everyone stops fighting to watch him make his entrance. Hassan shows some balls by walking to the middle of the ring and praising Allah, but Allah isn’t saving him now, because all 8 guys beat the ever loving piss out of him! The fans are absolutely loving it. He’s held hostage by the entire ring so that Rey can hit the 619, and then everyone picks him up and dumps him hard to the outside at 20:15! Davairi LOSES it while ORLANDO JORDAN draws #14. He gets in zero offense before Benoit takes it to him. Jericho and Shelton fight on the apron, and Jericho teeters dangerously close to the edge. SCOTTY 2 HOTTY is our #15, but as is becoming the norm for him, he doesn’t make it to the ring because an irate Hassan is still lingering around and Pearl Harbor’s him. A camel clutch spells the end of Scotty’s night. Edge is hit with the Stinger splash from Shelton, and is nearly dumped. Orlando holds on for dear life. Meanwhile, it’s time for #16, and that would be CHARLIE HAAS. Booker T kicks Charlie in the face, and then goes the same to Orlando. Booker dumps Luther at 24:12, and sends Orlando packing seconds later at 24:15. Spinaroonie time, and since Booker’s now hit all of his trademark spots, and thus worn out his welcome, he’s tossed aside at 24:31 by Eddie and Rey. Shelton nails an Exploder suplex on Rey, and Jericho tries to dump him. Rey is able to fight him off and stay alive. RENE DUPREE brings FIFI with him, as he enters at #17. Dupree goes after Rey, but Haas hotshots him. Shelton reunites with Haas, and they work over Dupree. Shelton does too big a leapfrog though, and gives Edge a chance to shove him to the outside at 26:44. SIMON DEAN is #18. I imagine this is someone’s idea of a sick joke. Rey gives Eddie a rana while Dean warms up outside the ring. Edge dumps Eddie to some serious heat at 28:05! Dean starts doing some very disturbing pushups as SHAWN MICHAELS skips to ringside as #19. He quickly dumps Dean at 29:00. The fans give Eddie a standing ovation as he heads to the back. Edge stalks Rey, but can’t grab him before Rey slides to the other side of the ring. Michaels dumps Haas at 30:08 while JR yells “AU REVOIR!” Apparently Haas turned French overnight. KURT ANGLE is #20, and he single handedly takes EVERYONE out with Olympic Slams!!!! HBK goes for a superkick, but Angle blocks and turns it into an anklelock! Michaels shoves him off, hits the Superkick…and just like that, Angle’s gone at 31:04!!! Rey and Michaels fight in the corner while THE COACH joins us as #21. Coach tries to dump Benoit, but when he’s caught, he just grabs the bottom rope, and REFUSES to let go! Jericho tries to dump Rey, but he hangs on with a headscissors, and neither one leaves! MARK JINDRAK is #22. Next thing you know, Kurt Angle’s back in the ring, and he takes out Shawn Michaels at 33:48! Kurt then grabs the steps and runs them into Shawn’s face, busting him wide open! And as a final touch, Kurt puts him in the anklelock on the steps. FIT FINLAY breaks the fight up. Big VISCERA finally joins the party with the lucky #23 slot. Vis immediately slams Rey Jr., and goes to dump Jindrak. PAUL LONDON is #24, and nearly slides right out the other side when he jumps in! Dupree hits London and does the French Tickler, and as with the precedent set with Booker’s spinaroonie, Jericho dumps him immediately at 37:27. Paul London struggles to stay in when Jindrak gets on him, and JOHN CENA joins us at #25. Cena goes after Vis, because he’s retarded. Viscera clubs him down, but idiotically charges and gets backdropped out at 38:50! London continues to hold on for dear life. GENE SNITSKY is #26, and clotheslines everyone. Gee, with Snitsky in the ring, I WONDER WHO’S NEXT… London actually puts up a good fight on Gene, but gets clotheslined off the apron, taking the BUMP OF THE YEAR by making it look like a shooting star press on the way down!!! Cena and Snitsky square off as KANE inevitably joins us as #27. Kane immediately clotheslines Snitsky, and chokeslams Edge and Benoit while London is stretchered. Cena, Jericho, and Rey are added to the chokeslam list, and Jindrak is tossed at 41:58! Kane goes to chokeslam Coach, but he’s saved by Snitsky. Pumhandle slam by Snitsky!!!! BATISTA gets a late #28, and I don’t think there’s much question left who’s winning. Snitsky’s sent packing at 43:03! Kane and Batista slug it out, and the crowd is FIRMLY behind big Dave! Kane eats the powerbomb! Jericho is dumped on his face at 43:51! Edge manages to hang on from Batista’s assault, and CHRISTIAN joins us at #29, with TYSON TOMKO right behind. He goes right for Cena, and promptly gets his ass kicked. Kane takes a 619 courtesy of Rey, and takes the FU from Cena to the floor at 45:04!!! Rey and Cena plot to work together while Batista continues his path of destruction. #30 is RIC FLAIR, who’s styling and profiling! Flair whips Coach right into a spinebuster from Batista, and Flair sends him packing at 46:20! Christian is sent into Dave’s arms, hit with the spinebuster, then gorilla pressed into Coach at 46:43!!! Benoit gets to chopping on Ric, but Batista runs over and saves. Spinebuster for Benoit!!! Flair dumps him at 47:21! Flair runs around the ring strutting, and in one cool move he tries to casually dump Batista. Dave is NOT impressed, and in the ensuing argument Edge and Rey double dropkick the big man. Edge then spears Ric, and tosses him at 47:54! We’re down to our final four, and everyone eyes eachother carefully. Rey makes the first move, and charges Edge. It breaks down, and Batista takes a spear, followed by Cena. Edge tries to spear Rey, but Rey jumps out of the way, and hits Edge with the 619. The West Coast Pop is blocked, and Rey’s night is finished by Edge at 49:10! Cena and Batista then double backdrop him out at 49:29! Down to Batista and Cena, and John’s not even sweating yet. Cena goes for the FU, but Batista hangs on to the ropes and fights out. Next, Batista tries the powerbomb, but both guys tumble out at the same time at 51:04, and the fans aren’t happy with THAT decision. The Smackdown! referees announce Cena the winner, and the RAW guys say Batista. VINCE MCMAHON comes power walking out to the ring, bangs his knee on the way in, and blows it out. So while Vince sits down like an ass, trying to pretend he’s SUPPOSED to be sitting, the referees plead their case. Batista pleads his even better by dumping Cena!!! Cena then returns the favor. Vince just demands that “this match be restarted.” So, out comes Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit, and we’re back at the start…
Okay, maybe not. Batista calmly dumps Cena and wins the match at 53:48, and earns himself a title shot at Wrestlemania! ****1/4 for the whole thing. And because we’ve used up pretty much every spare second of PPV time for a change, we’re OUT OF HERE!
I know I'm like the only person other than the man himself to think this is the most groundbreaking, gutbusting parody ever, but I really dug the two years ago today version of the Jim Ross, Jr. Report. So go read it if you haven't!