After a Raw that people didn't kill me for and a kick-ass Survivor Series, it's time now for Raw...again! Cool.
WWE Raw for November 18, 2002 We are coming to you live from some place in Bridgeport, CT (complete with attitude-entertainment-Bischoff) so here we go!
ERIC BISCHOFF is waiting outside in the parking lot, and he seems very pleased that a limo has shown up. He's disappointed, though, when RIC FLAIR gets out, instead of Triple H. Bischoff wants to know where Triple H is, telling Flair that Tripps has a number one contender's match tonight. Flair informs Bischoff that Triple H suffered a "crushed trachea" and he probably won't be here tonight. Bischoff agrees with Flair's statement that he doesn't care about the health of his talent, saying that entertaining the fans is more important to him. Bischoff then makes a match between Flair and Kane, while Flair challenges Bischoff to produce a good episode of Raw without Triple H.
"Let's Get it On" Eventually, I'll find a catchphrase or two to put in here, but until then I'll just move to the music.
NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION SHAWN MICHAELS is out to take Triple H's place in the top-o-show promo. He's not going to make a long speech- even though he is the NEW World Heavyweight Champion- so he'll get straight to the point. After the beatdown he got at SummerSlam, he wanted revenge against Triple H, and now that he's the NEW WHC after an unbelievable Elimination Chamber match, revenge is his. What's he going to do now? (I'd suggest the Tournament of Rulingness, but I'm biased) Let's face it, he's not the epitome of the healthy man. He's a shell of the shell he used to be. Does he want to be one of those guys who hangs around too long? (coughhogancough) Does he want to stay and not realize that his prime is long gone? (coughflaircough) The smart thing to do would of course be to go out on top. Raw has some unbelievable talent, and there is nothing that Shawn would like to do more than compete with them week in and week out, but he just can't. The sensible thing would be to give the belt up and retire. (Yeah, do that!) It would be best; it would be the smart thing to do. Then again, Shawn's never been a very sensible guy, so he's gonna see how much he's got left and he is going to KEEP the belt. (Damn!) Well, this is odd. ROB VAN DAM is out, and his knee looks just fine. They shake hands and RVD grabs a mic. He enjoyed watching Shawn for years...when he was a kid. Michaels paved many roads, including RVD's. Rob says that if he couldn't win the Elimination Chamber, he's glad that Shawn did. Bottom line, however, is that RVD wants first crack at HBK. Just after Shawn says he's never been one to back down from a challenge (but just before the entire IWC can collectively say, "Ha!"), ERIC BISCHOFF comes out. Before HBK "loses his smile" again, Eric wants to remind him that he calls the shots and that if RVD wants a shot at Michaels, he's going to have to win a No-Disqualification Triple Threat match between himself, Chris Jericho and Booker T. The winner of that match faces HBK next week on Raw. Michaels pokes Bisch a lot, then goes on to say that he's the NEW WHC, and that there is a NEW sheriff in town. He wants things to change around Raw, especially concerning the necrophilia. Shawn doesn't like it; Bischoff asks if it's because HBK's a Christian. Shawn says no; it offends him as a wrestling fan. (Amen!) Shawn says he's fine with defending the belt, and takes a little bragging time. He asks Triple H how it feels to be watching from a hospital bed, now that the tables are turned.
Backstage, SPIKE DUDLEY knocks on a door, prompting BUBBA RAY and D-VON DUDLEY to exit. They beat somebody who doesn't matter, next!
James Bond stuff on TNN, SmackDown! Shut Your Mouth, the stupid singing greyhound and Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4 (go ask Guru Zim).
As part of the countdown to the 10th anniversary of Raw, this "Raw Retro" segment takes us back to January 11, 1993 and the very first episode of Monday Night Raw. Bobby Heenan dresses in drag, Yokozuna hits a Banzai Drop on somebody and Undertaker plants some poor jobber with a Tombstone. Raw celebrates its tenth anniversary...next January? I have to recap these things for 2 months? Crap!
3 MINUTE WARNING (952 pounds) vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ (all three of 'em (with new music (720 pounds)))
See, what'd I tell ya? Bubba and Rico start while Ross and Lawler ponder whether D-Von came over in the Big Show trade. Bubba hits a flapjack on Rico; the crowd wants tables. While Rico has the ref busy, J & R make a wish on Bubba. Rico tags in Jamal (I think) who hits a back body drop and tags in Rosie. The hit Bubba with a double running clothesline, keep running, bounce off the ropes and hit him again with a double headbutt. Cover gets 2. Moonsault misses, Bubba hits a clothesline and tags in D-Von. He's a House-o-Fire, hitting a flying clothesline for 2. Sidewalk slam for Rico; Jamal in and down. Rosie gets knocked out and comes back in, only to be knocked out again. With D-Von out of the ring, Bubba takes this oppurtunity to hit a Flip, Flop and Fly on Rico, setting him up for Wassup. J & R hit a clothesline on Bubba but Spike nails a Dudley Dogg on Rosie. Rico knocks Spike out of the ring, but is in perfect position for the 3D. 1, 2, 3. See, what'd I tell ya? Winners by pinfall- THE DUDLEY BOYZ Time of match: 4 minutes, 21 seconds
Backstage, STACY KEIBLER talks with Test, especially about t-shirts for the Testicles. She's going to let the fans decide, and that'll probably end up being next.
Blinx can go back in time, Shaq likes Whoppers, Friday After Next most likely sucks, and SmackDown! is coming to Hart, Syracuse, Elmyra, Raleigh and Columbia.
Backstage, ERIC BISCHOFF is told by SOME RANDOM GUY that Triple H is headed to the arena. Eric says that HHH is either going to apologize or beg to get into the triple threat match.
JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER talk about Triple H and the Elimination chamber, then we see a nice video package about the match.
Eric's made his way out back, but it's SCOTT STEINER showing up instead of Tripps. Bischoff says that Scott is his special guest and he can have anything he wants, provided he signs with Raw. They'll take over the world, he says, just like old times.
Anthology featuring Warrior, DX, Brock, Undertaker, Owen Hart, more Brock and the Honky Tonk Man, Metroid Prime, Dr. Muto, Extreme Ops and Shinobi
WWE REWIND PRESENTED BY X-BOX: Test beats the crap out of The Hurricane, Steven Richards humps Stacy and gets killed, Test makes a dick joke.
STACY KEIBLER is out and she claims to have a special treat for all the fans. Testicles want to be warm and, of course, covered by cotton. So, Stacy thought of a great idea. T-shirts! She wants the fans to decide which shirt is best, and she has presnted 3 candidates. The first one says I'M A TESTICLE on the front, with RUB ME THE RIGHT WAY on the back. The second one has BE A TESTICLE on the front, with TAKE A TESTRIDE on the back. That one gets no reaction, especially since they missed the joke. The winner, however, is plain and simple. I LOVE MY TESTICLES takes the title of best Test t-shirt ever, and I just gave Mick Foley enough material to write two more books. Conveniently, Stacy has brought a "Testicular cannon" to shoot these t-shirts into the people. STEVEN RICHARDS comes out and is acting very RTC-ish. He wants her to stop the insanity, I want him to stop talking. Stacy set him up, and now that Test is in India, Steven wants revenge. He won't get any, as Stacy fires the cannon, whacking Steven in the balls with a shirt. As Stacy's celebrating, VICTORIA comes out and beats her up, putting her in an armbar. While the hold is locked, Vicky bites off at least one of Stacy's fingernails. She says that people came to see her, because she's the champion. We replay the cannon shot and Victoria's bite.
Hogan wrote a book after Brock hurt him, Spiderman got a game, 1-800-225-5288, Off-Track Bedding and NHL Center Ice.
Ross and Lawler plug WWE.com and thank everybody who bought Survivor Series. You're welcome.
STACY KEIBLER is livid backstage, and asks ERIC BISCHOFF if he can help. That turns out to be a mistake, as Bischoff books Stacy vs. Victoria for later tonight.
LANCE STORM and WILLIAM REGAL (470 pounds) vs. JEFF HARDY (Cameron, NC-218 pounds (with last night at Survivor Series)) and TOMMY DREAMER...
...who runs out in the middle of Jeff's entrance, prompting me to probably screw up the match time. Anyway, Dreamer and Regal start as Storm throws Jeff into the barricade. Regal with knees to Dreamer and a tag to Storm. Dreamer starts fighting back until Regal levels him. Storm with a chinlock, Dreamer hits him in the gut and the fans chant USA. Tommy gets a DVD and Jeff attacks Regal right after he punted Tommy's face, letting Storm get the 1, 2, 3. Winners by pinfall- LANCE STORM and WILLIAM REGAL Time of match- 1 minute, 45 seconds Storm brings in a chair then drop toeholds Dreamer chin-first into it. We get a replay of the punt and the DTH.
Here's a video package with Matt Hardy calling New York lupid and Scott Steiner kicking some serious ass.
JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER are back again, this time talking about Scott Steiner...
...who just happens to be walking to the ring. It's next!
James Bond, Contra, more James Bond, Snickers Cruncher, Mortal Crapbat and Shinobi.
Tickets for Armageddon go on sale Saturday; Kevin Nash will tear his quad there, the event is December 15th.
God help us all, SCOTT STEINER is out and he's got a mic. He's already getting perks, as he's got the whole top-of-the-hour treatment going. It appears he's been busy having sex. Raw makes him puke and SmackDown!'s full of wannabes. Steiner's here and he's not going to try to make friends. He says there's nobody better than him. As soon as JR's done asking if anybody can combat that, the Y2J countdown starts up as we get KING CHRIS JERICHO (of the world (with his old music)). Who does Steiner think he is? Freaks and peaks don't matter, Bridgeport's full of assclowns and Jericho has a better body than Steiner. At least he's not pumped up on steroids. Jericho makes an ass of himself by posing, then says he's not only the KOTW, but he's also a HUGE rock star. He goes off to say that he'll win the Triple Threat match and then beat the Has Been Kid,then calls Steiner a jive-talkin' moron. Steiner wants to go, but Jericho's gonna get ready for the match. Steiner ain't going anywhere.
STACY KEIBLER is walking; she's next!
Bond, They, Blinx, Maxima, Rugrats.
LUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK: Victoria beats Trish Stratus to win the women's title.
WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP STACY KEIBLER (challenger) vs. VICTORIA (Los Angeles, CA (champion))
I really had to go, so I could onyl rely on the audio during this match. It was basically a squash, with Stacy getting in a little offense in the middle. Winner by pinfall- VICTORIA (still champion) Time of match- 1 minute, 18 seconds After what I'm guessing was a bit of a post-match beatdown, TRISH STRATUS came out, only to get mauled by STEVEN RICHARDS.
Confidential talks Elimination Chamber, Metroid Prime, Subway, The Dayjob Ken Shamrock Shouldn't Have Quit and Taco Bell.
ANTHOLOGY CUTS: The Hurricane talks about "Stand Back," including a story about Vince McMahon. The song's actually called "Eye of the Hurricane." It makes you wonder why they know that that's the name of his song, but not his finisher.
MAVEN is at The World.
SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS MATCH CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI (Cambridge, MA-didn't catch weight) vs. AL SNOW (Lima, OH-246 pounds)
Before the match starts, Chris cuts a promo about Maven, saying that he should have won Tough Enough. Nowinski brings a mini-chalkboard to the ring and wears a backpack for the opening minute or so. He also brings a lunchbox. Al shatters the board over Chris' head then sends him to the outside. Al throws 4 chairs into the ring and his bowling bag. Nowinski goes into and out of the people, then goes in the ring and grabs a couple of erasers from his lunchbox, claps them over Al's head and hits a spinebuster. He goes under the ring and grabs a few more chalkboards and one of those fake skeletons they have in science classes. He hits Al in the gut with a tibia and grabs the skull. However, his superior intellect compells him to act like Hamlet, thus letting Al hit him with a bone and a chalkboard. 2 chair shots and a crappy Van Daminator later, Chris is sitting in the corner wearing a Dunce Cap. Al splits him with the ball (no shirt) and sets up 4 chairs in the ring, as though they were a table. As such, the table rule applies here; Al's going through. He knocks Nowinski onto the chairs and climbs to the top rope. Al then demonstrates an obscure maneuver not covered on Tough Enough: the moonsault-through-four-chairs-after-your-opponent-moves. Nowinski follows this up with his finishing maneuver (the lateral press) for a 3-count. Winner by pinfall- CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI Time of match- 4 minutes, 43 seconds We replay the moonsault.
Y2J vs. RVD vs. Booker T tonight!
KANE is walking; he's next!
Mortal Crapbat, Metal Gear Solid Shit 2, the Truth about misleading advertising, Taco Belarus and Dr. Muto.
Raw is coming to North Charleston, Amarillo, Laredo and Austin.
ERIC BISCHOFF is talking with THE BIG VALBOWSKI, although he calls him Val Venis. Valbowski gets upset with this, and tells Eric that he's changed. Yeah, he named himself after his dick. Anyway, Val's attention to detail will be superb, and he thanks Eric for this oppurtunity. Funny, I though Jim Duggan was still the janitor. I guess he found the Intercontinental Title in the trash.
RIC FLAIR (Charlotte, NC-234 pounds (without gear)) vs. KANE (326 pounds)
Flair tries to get out of the match, telling Kane that Triple H will have Kane's head if Flair is hurt. Before Kane can quiver with fear, DAVE BATISTA is out and laying the boots to Kane. Sit-out powerbomb, Batista's music. NO CONTEST Let's replay that powerbomb. Is this a Batista pusg or a Kane depush?
Friday After Next, ATV Offroad Fury 2, Snickers Cruncher, Where The Hell's The Castrol GTX?, Attorney Jack Morrison.
THIS WEEK ON TOUGH ENOUGH: Lots of people wanna sleep with lots of other people.
F-VIEW: Jericho and Christian are talking. Jericho's sorry he hit Christian last week and he needs his help. Christian walks out, taking his spiffy new belt with him.
BOOKER T (Houston, TX-256 pounds) vs. AD BREAK
Booker's not happy because he hasn't been mentioned once tonight. He promises a win tonight and hits a spinaroony just because.
Bond, Crapbat, Metroid, Shaq, Spiderman
NO DISQUALIFICATION TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR #1 CONTENDERSHIP BOOKER T (Houston, TX-256 pounds (already in the ring)) vs. ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, MI-235 pounds) vs. KING CHRIS JERICHO (of the world (with new music (Winnipeg, Manitoba-227 pounds)))
Booker spinkicks Jericho, 2. RVD knocks Jericho out and hurricanranas Booker. Standing moonsault, 2. Booker with a sidewalk slam for two, ducks a Jericho belt shot but not the second. Cover, 2.RVD spinkicks Jericho, 2. Shots in the corner reversed into some Jericho chops. Irish whip reversed, monkey flip by RVD, 2. Choking him in the corner, Jericho with a spinkick, 2. Jericho hitting RVD, now RVD's hitting Jericho. Springboard dropkick, Booker breaks up count at 1. Jericho chops Booker, Booker with a flying clothesline for Jericho. Holy crap! It's the Walls of Booker T! RVD with a scissors kick for Booker! Jericho's going up top, holy crap! A FLAWLESS frog splash by Jericho! It wasn't like the *****; it was more like Eddie's. Plus, he didn't injure anybody doing it! Cover, 2. Jericho and Booker exchange punches, Booker winning, Jericho clotheslines Booker. Shots in the corner, now a choke and a dropkick. Booker with a kick but RVD stops the roony before T can execute it. RVD WOW Catapults Jericho out of the ring, Jericho with a SICK bulldog on the floor. Booker with a baseball slide to Jericho and a scissors kick for RVD. Spinebuster on Jericho gets two, chops in the corner lead to a bulldog by Jericho. Lionsault misses, T with the spinaroony and a spinkick. Now CHRISTIAN is out with a chair to Booker's back. Cover, 2. Walls of Jericho locked in; Booker trying to get to ropes...Jericho walks him back! But now SCOTT STEINER is out and he saves Booker. He beats the holy crap out of Jericho, then leaves him for RVD, who slowly climbs the ropes and hits the ***** for the victory. Winner by pinfall- ROB VAN DAM Time of match- 11 minutes, 41 seconds SHAWN MICHAELS is out now and he congratulates RVD. Hand of Friendship extended, taken, HBK raises RVD's hand, we're out.
Interesting note: The clock in my living room is always at 11:07 when Raw ends. Tonight it displayed 11:02 at Raw's end. Is TNN actually committed to getting CSI on at 11:05? Is this a sweeps month ploy? Is it Vince saying he just CAN'T have a full Raw without Triple H? Do I look like I know?
Why do I watch? Because every episode has the potential to be the best one ever, and I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna miss that one after sitting through this shit.
(Originally published November 14, 1995) Inside The Ropes - Fueled By Diesel Power!!! Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the hottest column here on America Online (keyword: bankonit).