Let's see how we're gonna do this, shall we? Basically, I'm gonna do a rough overview of a match, including any notable moves, blown spots, and general good things. Match times are, of course, included. That being said, let's get this party started.
WWE RAW November 11, 2002
TONIGHT: Triple H takes on Booker T in a non-title matchup! We are LIVE from some arena in Cincinnati, Ohio on the NEW TNN, TV14DLV, Closed Captioned, Transmitido en Espanol SAP.
Backstage, SHAWN MICHAELS is reading a newspaper!
WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan-235 pounds (challenger)) and KANE (326 pounds (other challenger)) vs. CHRIS JERICHO (with new music) (Winnipeg, Manitoba-227 pounds (champion)) and CHRISTIAN (with Jericho's music) (Tampa, Florida or Toronto, Ontario-take your pick-224 pounds (champion))
Well, that was a bit icky for my first intro graphic. Oh, well. King and Ross say that Jericho and Stacy Keibler will be at FAO Schwartz tomorrow. I reply that I don't care. Y2J and RVD start while the crowd chants for RVD. They trade hammerlocks and headlocks for a while, followe by an RVD shoulderblock and spinning heel kick. Monkey flip out of the corner; cover, 2. RVD tags in Kane, who hits a running clothesline on Jericho and a big boot to Christian. Clothesline for Christian, 2-handed chokeslam on Jericho. He then knocks Christian out of the ring and press slams Jericho onto him. RVD then comes out of nowhere with a somersault plancha onto both Jericho and Christian. Jericho back in the ring now, Kane's got him in the goozle, CHOKESLAM! Cover, but referee NICK PATRICK is outside with Christian. He finally gets in and makes a 1 count before Christian pulls him out. Punches by Jericho and a chokehold. Tries an Irish Whip, countered into a Sidewalk Slam. Kane tags in RVD. He hits a spinning heel kick and tries to kick Jericho again, but it's caught. Jericho ducks the enziguiri, but is hit with a mule kick. Rolling Thunder, cover, 2. Christian in illegally, gets the upperhand on RVD and sends him outside with Jericho. Y2J now laying in the stomps and choking him out with the cables as Patrick is distracted by Kane. Christian tags in Jericho now as RVD is back in the ring. Back suplex for 2, followed up by a rear chinlock. Crowd's getting into it but Jericho maintains his edge. Jukin' and Jivin' followed by a Hogan ear pose and a tag to Christian. Clothesline by RVD; hot tag Kane. Kane is a house of fire (no pun intended). BIG powerslam on Christian there. Jericho on the outside after a shot from Kane, he's going up top! Is it time? Yes! It's....the.....FLYINGBUTIALWAYSLANDBEFOREIHITIT CLOTHESLINE!!!!!! DOUBLE SUPLEX on Jericho and Christian! RVD with a crossbody to Jericho! Choke-sa-lammity on Christian! Patrick trying to get RVD out, belt shot by Jericho! Wait, RVD's on the top rope! No freaking way! Holy sh*t! ***** Frog Splash on Christian from 3/4 of the way across the ring and over Kane! Kane crawling over, 1, 2, NO! Jericho whacks Kane with a chair! Ring that bell a million times! Winners- Kane and RVD by Disqualification; title does not change hands Time of match- 9 minutes, 15 seconds After the bell, Jericho is laying waste to Kane and RVD with 9 more chair shots, and then he bashes the ring post for good measure. Play his cool new music!
During the break we get ads for CSI, SmackDown! Shut Your Mouth, Castrol GTX, something having to do with the Insane Clown Posse, Southern Comfort, and the SmackDown! crew going to Columbus on Tuesday (for SmackDown!), Baltimore on Saturday, New York City Sunday and Hartford next Tuesday (also for SmackDown!).
Terri wants to know what's up, so Jericho tells her. He's trying to soften up his opponents for the Elimination Chamber and declares that he WILL become the next World Champion. Christian adds that General Manager Bischoff has said that if anybody can't make it, Christian gets their spot. Christian starts to say something about beating Jericho if he has to, but Y2J just hits him in the back with a chair. Pretty weak shot, if you ask me.
Here's a special video look at Triple H and Shawn Michaels with Michaels declaring that he will win the Elimination Chamber
Backstage, GREGORY HELMS has caught up with BOOKER T and has a few questions. What are his thoughts about the Elimination Chamber? Booker says that he's been thinkin' more than Lincoln, which is not funny. Before he can go on, Goldust intervenes and reminds Helms about Hurricane's tag match tonight. It appears that our favorite superhero will team with the Golden One to face Test and Steven Richards. Goldust then makes really bad dick jokes which I'm not even gonna touch.
Still backstage, JEFF HARDY is walking (apparently towards the ring). His match with Lance Storm is next!
Ads for Adam Sandler's self-indulgent bullsh*t, Homer Simpson's Heart Attack on a Bun, Metroid Prime, more Castrol GTX, a Spiderman video game and an extra special super duper Lord of the Rings DVD that I'm not buying.
WWE Rewind presented by WWE SmackDown! Shut Your Mouth: Last week, William Regal kicked Tommy Dreamer really hard.
JEFF HARDY (with Raw is brought to you by Half Past Dead, Snickers Cruncher, X-Box and the USO Care Package Fund) (Cameron, NC-218 pounds) vs. LANCE STORM (with William Regal) (Calgary......Alberta, Canada-230 pounds (which is also exactly 100 kilograms))
Jeff starts forearms and a mulekick, cover, 1. Um....WTF was that? Whatever it was, Storm got two with it. Back breaker, 2. Knees to the spine of Hardy, Canadian Back Breaker countered by Jeff with a backdrop with bridge for 2. Jeff does that stupid leg thing; it gets two too. Powerslam by Storm, 2. Hard whip into the corner, followed by a back breaker. Cover, 2, try again, still two. Odd looking submission by Storm (maybe a bow-and-arrow lock), crowd getting fired up. mule kick by Jeff, punches, dropping Storm throat-first on the top rope. Forearm shot, Whisper in the Wind (which will be debated between Ross and Lawler as to whether or not it was a Twist if Fate), 2. Jeff backdrops Storm out of the ring, then slips when trying to ride the rail. He manages to get a piece of Storm, though. Regal attacking Jeff now, but TOMMY DREAMER is out to save his friend, or just to beat up Regal. Anyway, Jeff hits a reverse neckbreaker (again called a Twist of Fate) and nails the Swanton. 1,2,better not sue, 3. Winner- Jeff Hardy by pinfall Time of match- 5 minutes, 16 seconds
Last week, Victoria beat the crap out of Terri.
Backstage, ERIC BISCHOFF is clapping and then Terri comes in. Bischoff says that this time of year is like Christmas come early. Victoria, on the monitore behind Terri but in our view, has made her way to the ring and seems to be waiting for something. Bischoff says that Terri vas to fight Victoria or she's fired. Vicki then cuts a promor about Terri's pretty little eyes and puppies, but fails to mention the pretty little bruises that she's going to get...right after this break.
Super Tuesday, Remake of a Remake of a Crappy Movie, Sub Rebellion, Greyhound with the Stupid Dog Who Replaced the Cool Dog, Castrol GTX (notice a pattern?), Sour Starburst, Half Past Dead and Mario Party 4 at Target.
VICTORIA (Los Angeles, California (already in the ring)) vs. TERRI
God help us. Terri tries to talk her way out of it, saying that Vicki's the better woman, and that there's nothing to prove. Victoria agrees and calls the match off, but then beats her up anyway. Terri gets in a bit of offense, but soon it's Victoria all the way until until TRISH STRATUS comes out and beats on Victoria. Refs come out for a pull-apart, and Victoria is happy. No Contest Time of Match- 0 minutes, 0 seconds
What, that's it? Grumble....The Elimination Chamber, Hungry Man XXL, Castrol GTX, Extreme-Ops, Contra, Roller Kingdom and Off-Track Bedding.
Backstage, DAVE BATISTA is walking to the ring when he happens by RIC FLAIR, who is keeping watch outside of Triple H's locker room. Flair says it's an honor to be with Batista, and that's it's great for him to be on Raw. He almost pats him on the back, but thinks better of it.
D'LO BROWN (Chicago, Illinois-268 pounds (already in the ring)) vs. DAVE BATISTA (318 pounds)
Welcome back to Raw, D'Lo! After a bit of offense, Batista hits a back body drop, then the same WTF move that Storm did to Jeff Hardy. D'Lo gets in some forearms and a kick, but is then hit with a 360-degree clothesline, running clothesline, elbow, spinebuster and sit-out powerbomb. A million's possible, but three will suffice. Winner-Dave Batista via pinfall Time of Match-1 minute, 34 seconds
I guess he's done with the paper; SHAWN MICHAELS is on his way to the ring. It's NEXT!
Honky Tonk Man shills for Anthology, some idiot crashes into a shed, Homer Simpson kills a cow, Shinobi almost kills some poor video gamer, and somebody steals the Castrol GTX from our airwaves.
WWE Salutes Veterans.
SHAWN MICHAELS is on his way out. He gets the full top-of-the-hour treatment, with Raw credits, TV14DLV, Closed Captioned, the whole works. He believes in God, his family, himself and his fans. He;s also human, so he believes in retribution. He doesn't know what the Elimination Chamber is, but then again, he didn't know what a Ladder Match was. He didn't know what a Hell in the Cell match was. He didn't know what an Iron Man Match was. (He actually said Marathon Match; I'm assuming he meant Iron Man.) After all, he's only been out four years; it was only a career-ending back injury; and it was only partial paralysis. He could win the World title no sweat. He's going back to Madison Square Garden, but he's not going back as HBK or the ShowStopper, he's going back as Shawn Michaels. That should be plenty to beat Triple H, or so says Shawn. He goes on to say that while he is a forgiving man, he cannot forgive Triple H for trying to take away his livelihood. Michaels doesn't care who wins, as long as Triple H doesn't. He then goes on to contradict himself by quoting a passage from the Bible that says basically that you can do anything if you think you can. I believe that's in the gospel according to The Little Engine That Could; but I might be wrong. Shawn says that if God says he can win, then Shawn thinks he can win. This brings out TRIPLE H, who proclaims himself God of the arena. Does this mean all arenas, or just this one in Cincinnati? Anyway, Michaels retorts by pointing up, garnering a huge pop. HHH repeats his statement, then adds that God is about to do some serious ass-kicking. After removing his jacket, Tripps charges the ring, and they start exchanging rights, with Michaels getting an advantage. Triple H, however, hits a SICK looking clothesline, knocking out Michaels. The Pedigree is the icing on the cake, but Triple H isn't done. He goes out and grabs the sledgehammer, but quick-thinking referee EARL HEBNER snatchs it and runs for his life, leaving the rest of the officiating staff to hold back Tripps. Break.
TNN starts airing the Best of Bond on November 19, SmackDown! has its own game, Castrol got their airtime back, that poor skier just won't learn and Bing Crosby sings about Christmas.
MOMENTS AGO-They show the fight and Hebner stealing the hammer.
DURING THE BREAK- While we watched Bing Crosby sing, Shawn Michaels walked out under (mostly) his own power.
BUBBA RAY and SPIKE DUDLEY (with Jeff Hardy and Bubba, Spike and Jeff take on 3-Minute Warning in a Tables Match Sunday) (Dudleyville-460 pounds) vs. JAMAL and ROSIE (with Rico) (730 pounds-I think)
Jamal's wearing tan, while Rosie opts for black. God help us all if these two wear the same color at the same time; Ross'll have a heart attack. Bubba gets in some preliminary offense and then tags in Spike so that he can hit his foot stomp thing and promptly have his ass handed to him. That all happens and Jamal tags in Rosie, who hits a tilt-a-whirl leg drop that could very well kill somebody if poorly executed. Tag Jamal back in, why don't ya. He press slams Spike and then whacks him on the ass so hard that Bubba gets a blind tag on him while he flies out of the ring. Bubba is a house of fire as Jeff decides to hit Rico (as opposed to hitting on Rico) for no apparent reason. This distracts Bubba enough to allow J&R to hit their snap-Samoan Drop for the win. Winners- Jamal & Rosie via pinfall Time of Match- 2 minutes, 51 seconds After the match, Jeff and Spike get your run-of-the-mill beatdown, culminating in Jamal splashing the two of them through a table. Cool spot.
Anthology featuring The Ultimate Warrior, DX, Brock Lesnar, Undertaker, Owen Hart, more Brock LEsnar and the Honkey Tonk Man. There was also Castrol GTX.
THIS WEEK ON TOUGH ENOUGH- Jamie is the person everybody loves to hate, as Tommy Dreamer and Rey Mysterio drop by Trax.
JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER yak on Scott Steiner, especially his interview on Confidential this coming Saturday. This segues brilliantly into a video package, highlighting Steiner's muscles and cherry-popping skills.
Speaking of cherry popping, CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI is out. Last week, he ran down Boston, but tonight, he does not want to run down Cincinnati. In fact, he insists that Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame and that all who support him should make noise with their lungs. After a lengthy ovation, he calls the Cincinnati crowd stupid sheep and proceeds to read a Dickensian (yes, that IS a word) quote. If it were posted on Weinerville, I believe it would look like this....
Originally Posted by Charles DickensWhat does everybody want?
Why, yes, that IS the soothing music of AL SNOW to save us from this badness. Nowinski wants a WRESTLING match with Snow, emphasis on the WRESTLING. Fine, then.
CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI (Cambridge, Massachusetts (already in the ring)) vs. AL SNOW (Lima, Ohio (also already in the ring))
Lots of chain submission moves from Al, including a crossface, headlock, arm bar and an arm bar takedown. Nowinski's repertoire consists of a punch and a crossbody rollthrough, which he uses to get his feet all over the ropes for the 1,2,3. Winner- Christopher Nowinski, by pinfall Time of Match- 1 minute, 32 seconds Post-match, Chris hits Al with his big book-o-quotes, prompting MAVEN to come out and help.
Last week, Shawn Michaels hit a Sweet Chin Music on Triple H, allowing Booker T to pin him.
Tonight, Triple H gets his win back...er, faces Booker T in a non-title match!
Super Tuesday, Metrois Prime, Extreme-Ops, more Metroid Prime and Dr. Muto the Castrol-airtime-stealing freak.
Saliva will be at The World for Survivor Series! I won't!
Here comes ERIC BISCHOFF, probably to tell us to watch Survivor Series and Super Tuesday. Oh, I'm good. Ten-man tag tomorrow, no names given. If Cubs fan asks really, really nice.....I'll still tell him that there's NO WAY I'm recapping it. Anyway, onto the Elimination Chamber! Apparently it's 16' tall with a 36' diameter. It allegedly weighs 2 tons and contains over two miles of chain. Yeah, right. Two men will be randomly picked to start, while the other four will be locked in their own little "chamber." Every five minutes, one of these chambers will randomly be opened, allowing the superstar inside access to the match. If you are pinned or made to submit, you're out. There MUST be a winner, and that man will be the World Heavyweight Champion. That sounds very cool.
Going to F-VIEW TV for the first time tonight, we see one of STACY KEIBLER's legs. STEVEN RICHARDS comes in, asking for motivation. When Stacy asks what she can say, Steven apparently asks her to hit him in the ass with a kendo stick, which he has so considerately brought. TEST, however, ends up hitting him. That, suffice it to say, smarted. Stacy, seeing this as a cheap way to rile up the home audience, bends over so that Test can hit her, when....
RNN BREAKING NEWS
It appears that Randy Orton has suffered a setback. His shoulder sling was starting to chafe his skin, and an infection was feared. Fortunately, it was caught early, and an antibacterial cream was applied. To prevent this from happening again, Randy's brace has been equipped with a state-of-the-art padding system.
Anthology "Cuts" with Trish Stratus, more sh*t from Adam Sandler, our good friends at Castrol GTX and Homer Simpson's desperate attempts to kill himself with meet and cheese.
LUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK- Test beats the crap out of Hurricane, including a Roll of the Dice
TEST and STEVEN RICHARDS (with Stacy Keibler) (517 pounds) vs. THE HURRICANE (215 pounds) and GOLDUST (Hollywood, California-250 pounds)
Test starts, giving Steve a hardy pat on the rear. Butt bump by Goldust, and the ass references must stop, unless they are to involve Stacy. Ful nelson slam by Test, Steven tags himself in. He runs into a chokeslam-like manuever by Goldust, who tags in Hurricane. Blockbuster and Shining Wizard get a 1 count as Test saves it. Little miscommunication by Test and Steven results in Hurricane trying to chokeslam Test, which is countered into a Roll of the Dice, 1,2,3. Winners- Test and Steven Richards by pinfall Time of Match- 2 minutes, 17 seconds Post-match, Steven is practically dry-humping Stacy, so Test hits him with the Boot From Hell.
Originally posted by TestDon't you EVER touch one of my Testicles!
Triple H and Flair are walking and they run into Booker T. There's a little trash talking, with Booker saying that Triple H has 5 guys, 5 guys, 5 guys, 5 guys, 5 guys to deal with, and Triple H just flips him off.
Big Show faces Brock at Survivor Series, CSI is on soon, SmackDown! Shut Your Mouth is out soon, my number of good Castrol GTX lines is out now and my patience for Adam Sandler was out a long time ago.
CSI will be on at 11:05 while Raw will be in Reading Saturday, New York Sunday, and the next two Raws will be in Bridgeport and North Charlestown.
TRIPLE H (with Ric Flair and X-Box presents Survivor Series) (Greenwich, CT-272 pounds (World Heavyweight Champion)) vs. BOOKER T (Houston, TX-256 pounds)
Spinning heel kick by T, forearms, thumb to the eye. big kick by Booker, Triple H to the floor. Suplex on the padding. Irish whip into steps reversed by Triple H. In the ring, knee to the face, 2. Facebuster, puts T on top rope. Chops, T with headbutt to knock Triple H away. Missile Dropkick hits. Clubbing forearm connects, Tripps with shot to gut. Going for Pedigree, no! Reversed into the WOW Catapult! Axe kick hits...kinda. Flair on the top rope now...down he goes! Spinaroony, spinaroony, oh Mark Madden's God, spinaroony! Double clothesline! Flair distracts the ref so Tripps can hit a low blow, Pedigree, 1, 2, 3. Winner- Triple H, by pinfall Time of Match- 5 minutes, 15 seconds SHAWN MICHAELS is out, knocking down HHH. Sweet Chin Music to Flair! CHRIS JERICHO goes down as well. Now Y2J from behind, knocking down HBK. HHH and Y2J laying the boots to HBK as KANE and ROB VAN DAM make their ways out. Kane knocks down HHH and Y2J. RVD knocks down Kane and Y2J! RVD goes down thanks to Kane! HHH with a spinebuster to Kane! Booker T with an axe kick to Triple H! Y2J hits a missile dropkick on Booker! Michaels in, knocking down HHH and Y2J! Kane hits Michaels! CHOKESLAM on Jericho! SWEET CHIN MUSIC FOR KANE! He's warming up the band on Triple H! Here it comes, no! Blocked! Triple HJ is going for a Pedigree! Michaels with a back body drop! He's setting him up...holy crap! MICHAELS WITH A PEDIGREE TO TRIPLE H! PLAY SEXY BOY!!!!! But wait! Jericho with a chair! Play HIS music! He makes the I want the belt motion, ensuring that he won't be getting it. We are out!
Whoo. Well, there you have it, weiners. Please do not kill me because I suck. If all goes well, I will see you sometime before Sunday with Gugspeak VIII so that I may propose my tournament of rulingness. Bye now.
Why do I watch? Because every episode has the potential to be the best one ever, and I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna miss that one after sitting through this shit.
After reading that, I'd like to declare Albert B. Ching as some kind of American Hero. Unless he's from Canada. But that's like North America or something, so it can still count. If he's from Europe, though, screw all this.