The following post expresses the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He is biased, opinionated and bitter. You have been warned.
Happy Mardi Gras all! Due to the fact that I am horribly ill, I can get you the recap even earlier than usual! Assuming, of course, that I can translate it. Oh well. Here we go.
WWE RAW- March 3, 2003 Long Island, New York
Attitude-Entertainment-WW? I guess Bischoff must be gone.
Nope. ERIC BISCHOFF is just hanging out in the parking lot with THREE MINUTE WARNING. It seems that they're his first line of defense, part of the welcoming committee that I gave myself hell for not mentioning last week. Bischoff wants 3MW to cave Austin's skull in with the plastic tools they've been given, but save just a little piece for Bischoff. He wants Austin's return to be his last. Me too, actually; I'd rather have him stay instead of coming and going. Yeah, Rock.
Moderately new formats can only mean one thing: Let's Get It On!
Well, there seems to be a bit of a technical problem with the picture. It's all twitchy. Goldust must have hijacked the control truck! Nope, it's back. Tonight, The Rock will be here! Also tonight, Booker T faces Scott Steiner, and Vince Russo is banned from ringside!
Wait a minute, how come BOOKER T is out here? He's the number one contender, and he's got a match? First? Oh, he's gonna talk. He's the five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion. Yes, that was six. He said it six times. He won the battle royal last week, but he isn't going to DisneyLand; he's going to WrestleMania! Oh, dear. Here comes TRIPLE H (with RIC FLAIR). It seems that Book is confused about his role, H-cubed says. He's going to WrestleMania, but he won't win. People like Booker T (great, now he's a racist?) don't get to be World Heavyweight Champion because they simply don't deserve it. He's not here to compete, he's here to entertain. Tripps wants Booker to dance for him, do one of those spinaroony things. People like Booker T make people like Triple H laugh. "Asshole!" He's very good at it, what with his nappy hair and the "Sucka!" thing and all, Gameboy declares. Booker's always saying that he's a five-time WCW Champion, but (he asks Ric), wasn't this about the same time as such illustrious superstars as David Arquette and some guy named Vince Russo were champion? WCW was a joke, and he championed WCW right into the ground. Booker's going to WrestleMania to face the best Superstar on Earth, the greatest wrestler alive, the be all, end all of this industry. And Booker T will lose, like "people like you" always do. H goes to leave, but Booker stops him. He will be at WrestleMania, and he will beat Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship. Tripps wishes him luck, because he'll need it. Then he talks with Ric, asking why Bischoff booked Booker vs. Steiner. Hunter wishes Booker luck in that match too, because he'll need all the luck in the world to get to WrestleMania.
3 Minute Warning is backstage, and they decide to split up and hide. I say Rico's the first one taken down. There's an ad break in here, but I didn't do the commercials. Use the ones from last week.
Tonight: Test faces Chris Jericho!
JEFF HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina-218 pounds) vs. CHRISTIAN (Toronto, Ontario or Tampa, Florida-224 pounds)
Jeff attacks to start, and the ref pulls him out of the corner after beting the snot out of Christian. Christian kicks Jeff, but after a bit of set-up gets dropped face-first on the apron. Hardy follows up with a croosbody to the floor (kinda) and rolls Christian in. Cover, 2, there goes the shirt. And the girls go wild! But that's Test's gimmick! Jeff's going up top, but Christian pushes him off. Looks like he tried to hang Jeff on the ropes, but somebody screwed up. Anyway, Jeff's not dead, his head just hurts. Christian hammers away with punches, then locks in an abdominal stretch. Nice bit of imporv there, giving Jeff time to make sure he was all right. Jeff elbows out of it, but Christian knees him in the gut and hits a slop drop for two. Now Christian's choking him on the rope, but Jeff battles back with some punches. Mule kick gets 2, and his leg-pin thing gets reversed into pinning combination for Christian, who gets two despite grabbing the tights. Jeff's other leg thing hits (the one where he low blows him with his legs) and he's climbing up top. Christian gets up and charges the turnbuckle, so Jeff gets down, runs over to the other one and hits a Whisper in the Wind for two. He's going for a swinging neckbreaker, but Christian grabs the rope, making Jeff fall down and go boom. One Unprettier later, and Christian is the winner. 4:16
LANCE STORM is backstage with Bischoff, and despite William Regal's illness, Lance still gets to have Austin beat the crap out of him. He and Chief Morely are the second line of defense. Here's another break.
CHIEF MORELY (Someplace in Canada-234 pounds) vs. SPIKE DUDLEY (Dudleyville-150 pounds)
Before Spike comes out, The Chief says that if Spike can beat him, he will reinstate The Dudley Boyz, but if either one of them interferes, they will remain suspended. Spike attacks before the bell, but the Chief managese to counter. Spike executes some punches, and a boot to the face. Now there's a Greco-Roman headlock; it's just not normally done with the teeth. Stomping away now, it looks like Spike's setting the Chief up for a Dudley Dog. That gets countered into a Blue Thunder however, which gets two off of a very lazy cover. Spike rolls up Morely for two, and the Cheif hammers away with punches and chops. A hard Irish Whip into the corner is followed up by three consecutive suplexes, the last one being preceded by bouncing Spike off the top rope. Morely hits the Money Shot, and we have another clean (albeit short) heel victory. 2:23
Christian and CHRIS JERICHO are backstage, and Jericho redeclares Tian a sexy beast. Bischoff's in now, and he wants them to be the third line of defense. Here's a break.
TRISH STRATUS & JACQUELINE (Toronto, Ontario and Dallas, Texas) vs. JAZZ (New Orleans, Louisiana) and VICTORIA (with STEVEN RICHARDS)(um...did Lilian say?)
Vicki and Jazz fight over who gets to start, and Trish decides to bulldog both of them. Jackie, however, will start for the faces, as a flapjack on Jazz gets two. Victoria grabs Jackie's leg, and is met with a kick to face. Jazz hits a dropkick, getting two. Sidewalk slam by Jazz gets another two count. Vicki's in now, and she probably didn't mean to kick Jazz in the face, seeing as how Jackie ducked and all. Oh, well. Second time's the charm, and now Victoria is in control. An F5-like maneuver gets a two-count for her, as does a floatover suplex. Vicki sets Jackie up in the corner, and rams her shoulder into Jackie's stomach. She tries again, but misses. Trish in off the tag, and she is a house-o-fire. That probably would have been a hot tag, if the crowd cared. There's a Lou Thesz Press and an elbow for Jazz. Now Jazz and Steven are fighting, so Jackie decides to baseball slide both of them. Vicki gets a boot up to block Stratus's blind charge, and heads to the top rope. Trish goes for the Stratus-fear, but it's blocked. Sunset flip gets two for Victoria, and Trish rolls her up ala HBK at SummerSlam, and it gets three. God, that sucked. 3:17
Coming up next, THE ROCK'S DOOR will give an exclusive interview to...somebody!
Lance Storm is still waiting for Austin, and Chief Morely comes in and says that he wants Austin first after what he did to Bischoff at No Way Out.
JONATHAN COACHMAN knocks on The Rock's Door, producing THE ROCK. Is Coach on crack? He can't just knock on The Rock's Door and talk to The Rock. MY audio went out here, but I'm pretty sure Rock scheduled an appointment to talk to Coach on Wednesday. Anyway, The Rock closes The Rock's Door, and pulls back a curtain to reveal THE HURRICANE. I knew he should have taken the box! After looking again (and making some Regal-esque faces), Hurricane does indeed come out. Holy Hippocrate! Last week, The Rock said that he wnated Stone Cold one-on-one, and now Bischoff is setting up lines of defense. Whassupwitdat?!?!?!?! How long was The Hurricane there? Did he watch The Rock naked? Therock is glad that Hurricane is there; he wants to talk to him. Last week, Hurricane said that he could beat The Scorpion King, but it was The Rock that threw Hurricane out of the ring. While The Rock did that, he screamed something in Hurricane's ear. What was it? Hurricane says that he heard The Rock screaming, but it was when Booker T threw The Rock out of the ring. Hurricane makes several "throw-over-top-rope"motions, eliciting a cry of "Stop cheering!" from Therock. Rock says that he tripped, and that Hurricane is nothing. He isn't a superhero, he's five fett, 100 pounds of nothing. After this, he yells at the people to stop laughing. Hurricane has braces! (A helpful smile proves that he does) Is he gonna run for Student Council? Is he gonna sell band candy? (One time, at band camp...) The Rock said "Aku machente ah!" at The Hurricane, and asks what that means. According to Hurricane, it means that The Scorpion King has a tiny ding-a-ling! (Wow, he really IS 12!) Again, Rock tells the people to stop laughing. Of course, Hurricane's hand motions aren't helping. What does The Hurricane want, anyway? He's figured Th Rock out. He's a coward! He's afraid of Stone Cold Steve Austin! He talks a big game, and his gums they do flap; but The Rock is just full of Brahma Bull crap! So says The Hurricane.
Test vs. Jericho is next! Now, have an ad break.
CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba-227 pounds) vs. TEST (Toronto, Ontario-280 pounds)
Before the match, Jericho says that he has a heartfelt apology to Stacy. He says that he's sorry that Stacy hooked up with a loser like Test. He has footage to prove that she was really stupid. Hey, it's Test signing boobs! Backstage, STACY KEIBLER and TEST are having an argument about this. Test says that it was her idea, and he is just sick of it. Uh-oh, I smell more airtime for Test! Anyway, Jericho wants a countout, but Test rushes the ring instead. Punches, military-press slam, more punches. Stacy and Christian are out, and NOW Stacy decudes to sell the back. Wow, she sells more than RVD! Test is choking Jericho in the corner, and then attacks Christian. Christian gets thrown into the people, and Test has a word with Stacy. Unfortunately, Jericho is able to hit an elbow drop as he rolls back into the ring. Jericho hits some punches and a back suplex, then stomps away. Irish Whip is reversed, and Test hits a tilt-a-whirl slam. Clothesline, running clothesline, yawn. Going for a powerbomb, but Jericho counters into the Walls. After breaking the hold because Test was supposed to reverse it, Test reverses it. Powerbomb gets two for Test, and Jericho distracts the ref. Christian's back in the ring, and he slop drops Test. Why not the Unprettier? Oh, because it's only going to get two. Jericho's taking the cover off of the turnbuckle, and Stacy's on the apron. Bad idea, Stacy. She slasp Jericho and Test hits a full-nelson slam. Christian distracts the referee, and Test hits the big boot on him. Jericho, however, hits a low blow, and the Breakdown (!) gets the pin. 3:58 After the match, Jericho goes after Stacy and thorws her in the ring. He and Christian get two chairs, and it seems like they're going for a Conchairto. Test, however, saves Stacy and takes the bullet himself. Again they grab Stacy, but this time SHAWN MICHAELS runs out to save. After hitting Sweet Chin Music on Christian, Michaels tastes steel. He's been busted open, and Jericho's got a mic. He wants to end Shawn's career, and he's got a chair poised to strike right in the face. However, Jericho wants to end HBK's career on the biggest stage of them all: WrestleMania.
Tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin WILL be here! Tonight, The Rock IS here!
3MW is STILL in the parking lot, and they've finally discovered that it's cold. Here comes a swerving car, it's GOLDUST? Have they seen Booker-twitch-? Have they-twitch-heard the news-twitch-? What news? Let's take a break while I sort this out.
CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI is in the ring, and he can't wait to see Austin(pop)...get what's coming to him(boo). Austin breaks rules and defies authority! He'll bring anarchy and mayhem! THE DUDLEY BOYZ, however, will simply bring a 3D. They leave through the crowd.
Booker T vs. Steiner is next!
Jericho and Christian are backstage, talking about their great night. They've taken out Jeff Hardy, Test AND Shawn Michaels. Austin will be next. Here's more ads.
SCOTT STEINER (Detroit, Michigan-275 pounds) vs. BOOKER T (Houston, Texas-256 pounds)
Holy History! JR tells us that the last meeting between these two was March 26, 2001, with Booker T beating Scott Steiner to win the WCW Title. Also, Steiner beat Booker on November 26, 2000 to win his only WCW Title.
They lockup to start, Steiner hits an elbow. Chops in the corner, Booker battles back with a spinning heel kick. He chops (2) Steiner and knees him in the gut. The scissors kick is ducked, and a spinning heel kick is met with a slam of some sort. Belly-to-belly suplex and military-press slam by Steiner, then he chops (3) Booker T. Clothesline and elbow drop get one for Scott, and they trade chops (4). Booker clotheslines and heel kicks Steiner for two, then chops (5) and kicks him down. Clothesline by Steiner, and he locks in the Steiner Recliner. However, Tripps and Flair are out, so steiner breaks and goes after them. Referee EARL HEBNER (he screwed Bret) reminds him that the match is in the ring, so Steiner chops (6) Booker. A rollup, however, proves to be Steiner's demise, as he is too muscle-bound to kick out. Booker wins. 3:53 Steiner chases Triple H, and Booker does the spinaroony.
The Rock is in his dressing room with a production guy, and he wants the production guy to bring Bischoff to The Rock. He's not scared! Let's go to break.
Hey, it's The Rock! He's playing the guitar! He's bigger than Tom cruise and Hanks! Long Island is full of skanks! Oh, here's Bischoff. What is he doing? Rock wants Austin to himself, so what's the deal with the welcoming committee? It won't happen that way; if Rock doesn't get Austin first, he'll go back to SmackDown!
Hey, look! It's KANE and ROB VAN DAM! They've got a match...next! It's hardcore! (Insert break here)
HARDCORE TAG TEAM MATCH
ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan-235 pounds) and KANE (320 pounds) vs. AL SNOW (Lima, Ohio-246 pounds) and TOMMY DREAMER (Yonkers, New York-252 pounds)
Kane and Rob beat up Tommy and Al on the outside, and a trash can makes its way to the ring, along with various other goodies. Rob hits a moonsault on both Tommy and Al, and a spinning leg drop in the ring. He's going for Rolling Thunder, but Tommy hits him with a cane. Kane (get it?) hits the Flying-but-I-always-land-before-I-hit-it Clothesline on Tommy, but he and Al quickly regain the advantage with trash can lids. Al drop toe holds Kane onto a trash can, and he gets thwacked with stuff. Kane hits a chokeslam on both of them, though, and RVD (after having them stacked all nice-like) hits a ********** Frog Splash, pinning both of them. 2:40
All of the lines of defense are in the parking lot with Bischoff. Well, here comes a speeding truck. Some guy who I want to identify to leasd the next segment parts them with a crowbar. Bischoff convinces them (seemingly) not to attack. Let's go to break.
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is back on Raw. The crowd, suffice it to say, goes apeshit.He wants to be forgiven if he's a little rusty. Is he gonna talk about The Rock? Bischoff? No. He wants to thank the people, including me, sitting at home watching my little TV. 7 months ago, he told Vince McMahon to take his job and shove it. Some said that he took his ball and went home. Well, now he's back. He didn't bring a ball, he brought a big can of whoop-ass, and he intends to open it on all the WWF (oops) Superstars in the back. He'll raise more hell than he's ever raised before. Here comes The Rock. "Rocky sucks!" It's so good to see Austin, but why is he thanking the people? As soon as he gets successful (like The Rock, not signing stuff at a mall in Delaware (there are malls in Delaware?)), the people will turn on him. The Rock has done everything in his career, except beat Austin at WrestleMania. How about it? Will he go one-on-one with..."the Great One!" Woah! Baa, baa, baa, you stupid sheep! Don't sing-along with The Rock! So, how about it? Of course, Eric Bischoff comes out. How about this? The Rock gets choices! Next week, he'll face Booker T. And if he wins, he gest to choose. Either he faces Austin at WrestleMania, or he faces Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship! As for Austin, Bischoff's afraid that the show is a bit long. In fact, it's about...three minutes too long. Here's 3 Minute Warning, but the other lines of defense didn't want to get Stunnered, so they're here alone. Well, Austin vs. 3 guys, 2 bigger than him, 1 holding a win over Ric Flair. What happens? That's right. Kick. Wham. Stunner. Kick. Wham. Stunner. Lou Thesz Press. Elbow Drop. Kick. Wham. Stunner. Now The Rock's in the ring, and he and Austin go face-to-face. Rock's backing out, but tries a cheap shot. Austin blocks, Rock goes for Rock Bottom, countered into a Stunner attempt, but Rock avoids it and runs like Hell. That's all the time they're giving us, so I'm fresh out of stuff to recap. Feedback (as always) is much appreciated.
The preceding post expressed the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He was biased, opinionated and bitter. You were warned.
Weird, your real self > satire self. Interesting. This is definitely the type of CD I'll see in the 1.99 budget CD section a year from now, and that's when I'll pick it up. Probably just to have the Kurt Angle song.