Hi! Most of you likely know me as Some Guy Who Recaps Random Shows.
I gave up on NWA TNA back in November because I was sick of it being the Jeff Jarrett show… Since then, I’ve become exceedingly lazy, pumping out recaps once every 3-4 weeks, and updating my website about as frequently. I’m going to attempt to give myself some new discipline, seeing as how I’m suddenly working from 10:00-6:00 5 days a week, as opposed to the Death Shifts of 8:00-8:00 4 days per week.
So with that in mind, let’s get to a very sleepy edition of RAW Is Hunter!
On this day, we remember Martin Luther King Jr. Long live the American Dream…Dusty Rhodes.
JONATHAN COACHMAN stands among RAW’s 15 superstars entered in the Royal Rumble. Lessee… BOOKER T, GOLDBERG, RICO, SPIKE DUDLEY, THE HURRICANE, ROB VAN DAM, RENE DUPREE, MATT HARDY, CHRIS JERICHO, TEST, RANDY ORTON, CHRISTIAN, MARK HENRY… I’m either missing a couple people, or they can’t count. TEDDY LONG is buggin’ and bangin’, so maybe HE’S entered the Rumble. Coach says that RAW has secured the #30 slot, but the question remains who’s going to get it? Jericho cashes in his Survivor Series favour to grab the #30 slot, but Coach cuts him off and says they’ve got a better way to decide the winner. Later, some of these guys will be involved in a battle royal, and the winner of that takes it. And if there’s any interference, kiss your #30 slot goodbye. Spike Dudley in the Rumble??? COME ON! I’m getting tired of them loading it with homegrown talent rather than having fun and flying in…oh I don’t know, how about John Tenta, or Kay Hayashi, or Jeremy Borash…
And with the exploding stage, we are set for another exhilarating night, no doubt. When you think excitement, you KNOW you think LIVE ACTION from Green Bay, Wisconsin. JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER make noises.
ROB VAN DAM and BOOKER T vs. CHRISTIAN and MATT HARDY (in an advancement match)
Yes, that’s EXACTLY what Booker T needed was some new music sung by himself. I mean, it’s working for John Cena, right? RVD points to himself, and then kicks Matt Hardy in the face. Spinning heel kick connects, scoring Van Dam 1. Springboard crossbody gets 2, so the jobber has enough and tags in another. RVD hits a legsweep for 2 and tags in Booker T. You could spell overrated without Booker T, but I sure wouldn’t. (And I used to REALLY dig it sucka!) Kicks for everyone! Matt doesn’t take too kindly to the bicycle kick, and yanks Booker outside. Back in, Christian applies a (lazy) chinlock. Booker starts to escape after 10 excruciating seconds, but gets yanked back to the mat via the hair. Hardy comes in and drops a leg for 2. Booker starts a comeback and knocks Christian off the apron, but a side effect from Hardy is waiting for the Bookerman, and scores a 2. Christian attempts an Unprettier, but gets shoved off. A HUGE “Christian sucks!” chant starts. RVD gets the hot tag and drops Hardy with a dropkick. Christian says hi to RVD’s monkey (flip), lands on the apron, and seconds later Hardy gets launched catapult style into him! Matt takes a springboard heel kick, but blocks Rolling Thunder with the knees! Mattitude puts his feet on the ropes, but the awesome power sadly ends at 2. Booker T enters the fray and hits a double axekick on Hardy and Christian, and a 5 Star from RVD ends this one. (6:03) *1/2 Since heels usually take the #30 slot, chances are this win is meaningless.
TONIGHT: Goldberg vs. Scott Steiner vs. Test… So much for actually hoping they’d stick to the 1-on-1 Goldberg/Steiner match they’ve been hyping FOR A WEEK.
Since you can never have too much of a good thing, let’s meet tonight rotating GM, JONATHAN COACHMAN once again. He joins the announce crew.
CHRIS JERICHO vs. RENE DUPREE (in an advancement match)
What a strange pairing. Dupree slams Jericho to start, and poses, so Jericho slaps him. Back elbow knocks down Dupree, and Jericho tears into him like a fat man into a bag of Ruffles. A “Y2J” chant starts. Jericho goes for the Liontamer immediately, but Dupree crawls to the ropes in a hurry. Dupree goes to the apron, so Jericho does his thing, knocking him down with a springboard dropkick. Jericho goes outside and throws Dupree back in, only to face the wrath of an angry Frenchman back in. Dropkick, and kneelift to the midsection get him a 1. Could it be…YES! Abdominal strech!!! That’s countered by Jericho after about 30 seconds, but Dupree counters that right away with a slam, and dances away like Carleton Banks. Jericho comes right back with a drop toe hold into the ropes, and does the Canadian Foot Shuffle. Bossman straddle from Jericho is followed by an enzuigiri and scores a 2. Bulldog… Lionsault is academic – but Dupree knows it and lifts up his legs, having watched Matt Hardy intently moments ago. Dupree gets 2. Jericho comes back with a rollup into the Walls, and Dupree taps. (4:35) *3/4 Very strong pop, a good match.
Who is the real Mick Foley? Randy Orton’s slander campaign continues with shots of Mick Foley’s lamest moments – followed by bloodied shots of the Intercontinental Champion.
Backstage, CHRISTIAN greets his friend CHRIS JERICHO with a standing ovation, before quickly changing his tone and whining about losing. Christian has a request however, and asks Jericho to cash in his Survivor Series favour in exchange for another chance at securing #30. Jericho says he’s as serious as Christian is at getting back into the main event at Wrestlemania and can’t grant him that favour. “But no worries, we’re still a couple of sexy beasts, right?” HAH!
The Coach claims EVERYONE is listening to Puddle Of Mudd, proving once again that I am no one.
Here’s a very special look at the World Title match at Royal Rumble featuring Shawn Michaels and Triple H – a match 7 years in the making. The children argue about who really carried DX while we look back at the last ***** match produced in North America, at SummerSlam 2002.
RICO (with Miss Jackie – no entrance) vs. MARK HENRY (with Teddy Long) (in an advancement match)
Okay, honestly, who the fuck cares? Please be quick. Rico avoids a couple of shots, and scoots to the outside where he kisses Teddy Long’s bald head. Back in, Rico smacks his bitch up on Mark Henry (tm Norman Smiley) before Henry takes over with the nervehold of severe discomfort. Rico escapes, and Henry misses a blind charge smacking chest first into a turnbuckle. From there, Rico kicks and kicks, but the monster just won’t go down (on him). Henry recovers, press slam, ‘night Rico. (2:35) DUD Lawler predicts Henry will win the Royal Rumble this Sunday, and has Lawler EVER been wrong before?
BATISTA and RANDY ORTON read a RAW magazine, and aren’t happy. If they’re like me, it’s the fact they cost about $10 Canadian and have about as much original content as 411wrestling. RIC FLAIR wooo’s it up, and wants to know what’s causing “all that” referring to Batista’s biceps. Flair hypes a clean sweep at the Rumble, while Randy starts to talk about winning the Rumble itself, and going on to face Hunter at Wrestlemania, just like Wrestlemania VI.
Here’s a classic Royal Rumble moment: Maven eliminates The Undertaker. Jim Ross says it best… “That’s the biggest shocker I have EVER seen at the Royal Rumble!”
KANE vs. SPIKE DUDLEY (in an advancement match)
Okay, so it was Kane who wasn’t changing in the boys locker room earlier, so we’ve got 14 of our 15 now. Spike tries to make us believe for about 2 seconds by getting in a jawbreaker over the top, but quickly gets choked out repeatedly. The referee has about enough and disqualifies Kane. (1:02) DUD Ross sprays his man juices all over about 6 rows of fans about this amazing victory by Spike Dudley, before Kane makes me smile just a little bit by launching him about 15 feet into the steel steps. Spike gets thrown back in like a rag doll, and the steps are NOT far behind. LOTS OF REFS save Spike before the impending tombstone is hit, and Kane throws a shit fit.
Here’s some shots of this past weekend’s house shows, also hosted by the Coach.
SCOTT STEINER vs. TEST vs. GOLDBERG (in an advancement match)
Coach takes the blame for ruining our 1-on-1 match earlier. Well, fuck him then. Steiner makes #15, and I can’t figure out why HE wouldn’t have been around for Coach’s speech to open the show, but I’m not about to sit around trying to think about it too much either. Pure logic dictates the only matchup remaining is Randy Orton vs. The Hurricane. Test and Steiner stomp away to start, having decided to team up for now, but Goldberg is too much for the both of them, dropping them with clotheslines. Test gets dumped, so Steiner takes over and chops away to no effect. Shoulderblock nearly kills Steiner, and a hiptoss drops him. A whip is reversed, and Test is ready to kick Goldberg in the back, and a belly to belly from Steiner gets a 2. The fans are rabidly chanting “GOLDBERG” now, while the heels stomp a mudhole. They hit a double suplex on Goldberg, and follow with some double team chopping. Some miscommunication sees Test clothesline Steiner, and Goldberg immediately powerslams Test and dumps him. Goldberg grabs Steiner, and brings back memories of March 1999 by giving him a gorilla press slam. Goldberg knocks Test off the apron, but Steiner takes the advantage to give Goldberg a downward spiral for 2 before Test breaks it up??? Test tries a pinfall of his own, but Steiner breaks that up, and dumps Test for a 3rd time. Goldberg is put into a Steiner Recliner, but Test runs in and hits Steiner with a Big Boot. Goldberg says “enough of this shit” and spears the hell out of Test and finishes him seconds later with Jackhammer. (5:16) **1/2 That was the most well booked match I’ve seen Goldberg involved in since his match with Rodney Mack MONTHS ago, and the fans respond accordingly.
What is the truth about Mick Foley? Myth: He claimed to be a noble role model, a fearless superstar, and called himself a hardcore legend. All false! Fact, Mick Foley is a gutless coward, a scared little girl, and an absolute joke who knows he cannot cut it in the ring. When you look at the facts, it’s clear Foley is nothing more than a pathetic little bitch. (OUCH!) That message was paid for by the friends and supporters of Randy Orton…
STEVE AUSTIN looks none to pleased about the ongoing smear campaign, and hops a 4 wheeler? In the process, he nearly runs over JINDRAK and CADE.
Back from commercial, STEVE AUSTIN drives his 4 wheeler to the ring. He’s got a message for Mick Foley, which is “what the heck is going on inside your head?” He can’t figure out why Foley would walk out of Nassau weeks ago… Austin demands Foley look into his eyes from his TV right now. He remembers getting cheap motels with Foley just to save a buck or two. Hell, he remembers calling 1-800-COLLECT to save a buck or two. He remembers ribbing Diamond Dallas Page until he’d crack. So he can’t figure out why he’d allow Randy Orton to spit in his face, when that represents spitting in the face of the whole business. So this Sunday, Austin orders Foley to show up at the Rumble and open up a can of whoopass on Randy Orton, and if he doesn’t he’ll be breaking the law of Steve Austin and that’s just something you don’t want to do. If he chooses not to show, Austin’s going to hop his 4 wheeler, and ride it all the way to Long Island from wherever he is, and drive him to Philadelphia himself. And now we drink some beer, just ‘cause.
In the back, MOLLY HOLLY finishes up explaining to TRISH STRATUS why she’ll never win the women’s title again, and saunters off. CHRISTIAN comes over and informs Trish that he knows how she feels about Jericho and it’s time to come clean. Trish gets nervous, and Christian drops the bomb we’re all waiting for… “You never want to see him again, right? I mean, that’s what you said.” Trish’s face drops. Christian informs her that Jericho feels the EXACT same way, and her face drops so low you could scrape off the floor. Christian makes things about a million times worse by showing off some photos from their wild and crazy night last week.
Having gone 25 minutes since our last match, someone out there realizes we’re WAY overdue…
LITA vs. JAZZ (with Teddy Long)
However, this isn’t QUITE what I had in mind. Jazz takes Lita down by the hair and pounds away on the formerly injured neck. Lita rolls through and pounds away. Lousiest dropkick in the business is thrown, and Jazz rolls outside. Back in, Lita hits an inverted Russian legsweep for 2, before Jazz has had enough and decides to finish the job here. Lita is thrown into the turnbuckle, and Jazz pounds away. JR and Lawler try to convince Coach to hook up with Jazz. Lita trips Jazz, and tries a bridge, resulting in a 2. A rana hits, as does a blue thunder bomb for 2. Jazz misses a blind charge, and Lita hits an inverted Twist Of Fate, before ripping off her shirt. Litasault is academic – and everyone knows it except Teddy Long who hops the apron to stop her. Lita was never the smartest apple of the bunch, and saunters over, leading to Jazz rolling her up with an armful of tights for the win. (3:40) 1/2*
THE HURRICANE poses with a giant grin, so TERRI RUNNELS jumps in to ask what he feels his odds are against Randy Orton? Hurricane knows he’s an underdog, and knows people feel he’ll never main event Wrestlemania – but he gets down and serious and says he believes in himself, and knows he can beat Randy Orton, win tonight’s battle royal, and win the Royal Rumble this Sunday. “I believe!” Terri reminds us anything can happen here in the WWE, but I’d like to point out that only three upper midcarders have EVER won the Rumble, two of which were prior to the Rumble meaning anything. (Duggan in 1988, Studd in 1989, and Austin in 1997)
THE GREEN BAY PACKERS sit in the front row.
Here’s a look back at Randy Orton’s continued attack on Mick Foley last week, where Orton ordered a limo for him, and bought a front row seat to rectify the cowardice…but of course Mick no-showed once again.
RANDY ORTON vs. THE HURRICANE (in a non-title advancement match)
JR throws out birthday wishes to Pat Patterson. Happy birthday Pat! Orton immediately takes down Hurricane, and pounds away. A clothesline drops him for 2. A very well executed dropkick (take notes Lita) gets another 2. Orton moves to a rear chinlock, and talks a lot of trash. Hurricane tries to fire back, and hits a crossbody! A back elbow distracts Orton long enough for Hurricane to hit the Blockbuster for a close 2. Orton tries a dropkick, but misses and Hurricane gets a 2 off of it. Orton misses a blind charge, and Hurricane hits an inverted Unprettier for 2. He attempts 2 more covers to the same result. Hurricane goes up – and hits a crossbody from the top, resulting in a 2! He goes for another inverted Unprettier, but Orton reverses, and hits an RKO out of nowhere to score the pinfall. (2:56) 3/4* RIC FLAIR and BATISTA come down to celebrate the win, while ROSEY joins Hurricane. Flair sucker punches Rosey, and Batista nails him with a spinebuster. I smell a feud! THE DUDLEY BOYZ rush down to clear the ring of Evolution, and grab a table. Bubba’s so fired up, he even helps get it! They go to put Flair through it, but Evolution makes the save. At this point, JONATHAN COACHMAN grabs a microphone and tells the Dudleyz that this is SO not happening tonight. Setting up the most obvious spot ever, he informs the Dudleys he’ll be turning around, and after a count of 3, he expects to see them, and their table gone. We count, he turns around, a 3-D through the table is hit, crowd pops, let’s move on.
Backstage, MARK HENRY wants to know how a small man like CHRIS JERICHO is going to throw the world’s strongest man over the top. Jericho informs Henry the only thing strong about him is his smell. “What, did you douse yourself in ASS?” Henry informs him it’s his “stank”, and if he ever gets close to Trish again then maybe he’ll smell his “stank” all over her. BURN!
Apparently Spike Dudley is unable to compete in the #30 over the top rope challenge. Disappointment sets in everywhere, I’m sure.
Things are turned over briefly to MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ at WWE Studios, to run down some of their challengers. Chris Benoit, The Big Show, John Cena, and Kurt Angle will all be there, not to mention Brock Lesnar taking on Bob Holly for the WWE Title. Rey Mysterio Jr. defends his newly won Cruiserweight Title against Jamie Noble, and Eddie Guerrero will meet his nephew Chavo Guerrero Jr.
So we’ve got the Rumble, Flair and Batista vs. The Dudley Boyz for the tag-team titles in a tables match, and Hunter against Shawn.
#30 OVER THE TOP ROPE CHALLENGE RULES
- 6 men start - Superstars eliminated when thrown over the top rope and both their feet touch the floor - Winner is #30 in this Sunday’s royal rumble
ROB VAN DAM vs. CHRIS JERICHO vs. RANDY ORTON vs. BOOKER T vs. MARK HENRY (with Teddy Long) vs. GOLDBERG (in a #30 over the top rope challenge)
I guess Jericho’s completely forgotten about his previous quest to enter at #1 and stay in the Rumble all the way through, likely because he did the math and realized the year Shawn did it he had guys entering every 60 seconds. Goldberg immediately takes everyone out single-handedly, before Booker T gets in the first shot with a Book End, followed by a Lionsault from Jericho, and a 5 Star from RVD. RVD poses, and Booker knocks him over the top. (0:33) Jericho dumps Booker seconds later. (0:40) Orton attempts to do the same to Chris – but Jericho is strong and skins the cat, so he’s safe. Jericho dropkicks Orton over the top, but Orton also manages to hang on. Henry and Orton double team Jericho, because apparently Orton didn’t think things through and figure he’ll need ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET to throw Henry over the top. Goldberg backdrops Orton and chokes him out. Henry throws Jericho around like a toy, and turns his attention to Goldberg, pounding away. Jericho nearly dumps Orton, but Orton hangs on again. Henry picks up Jericho, and goes to toss him, but Jericho slides off his back and chops away. Henry tries to backdrop Jericho over the top, but Jericho holds on to the apron, goes up, and missile dropkicks Henry. Jericho goes over to help Orton with Goldberg, but Goldberg smacks their coconuts together, and down they go. A short arm clothesline levels Orton. Jericho dropkicks Goldberg’s knee, and chops away at Orton. Henry runs Jericho over like a truck, and together with Orton, they dump Jericho. (4:28) We’re down to 3, and the heels cut a deal against Goldberg. Goldberg fights valiantly, but the two men are too much. Henry pounds at the back, but Goldberg’s got the sure fire counter to that…a spear! Goldberg tries to pick up Henry to dump him, but Henry is FAR too fat for that. He tries a second time, and Orton rushes over to save, but Goldberg side steps and he nails Henry, knocking him out! (5:49) We have two, and Orton does NOT like what he’s seeing. Sure enough, here comes RIC FLAIR and BATISTA. SPEAR for Orton!!!! Goldberg makes faces, not taking his eyes of Evolution at ringside. Goldberg goes for a press slam, and launches Orton onto Flair and Batista!!! (6:59) *3/4 Goldberg draws #30 in the Rumble – meaning Benoit’s chances just got a WHOLE lot worse…
A few things... First, the Shawn Michaels November Jukebox is nearly done and will be posted in a couple of days. Second, go read Bryon Frazier’s most recent column because it’s hysterical and I told you to. Third...