The following post expresses the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He is biased, opinionated and bitter. You have been warned.
Note to self: Never make promises that hinge on Jim Ross or Jerry Lawler. Secondary Note to Self: Never EVER recap battle royals ever again. Ever. You'll get that one towards the end of the recap.
For the first time in...quite some time, it's WWE Raw, recapped by Gugs.
It's been over three months (I think), but Let's Get it On
Tongith, we are LIVE (happened 7 seconds ago) in Toronto, Ontario for WWE Raw
ERIC BISCHOFF is on the way to the ring. Hey, he sells more than RVD! He's limping, has his arm in a sling and one heck of a fat lip. Despite what Austin tried to do to him, he's still standing. What is he, DDP? Also, he's banned Austin from the building, apparently to prevent any kind of ratings booster for the last show of Sweeps. Wait a sec, here we go. Tonight's main event is going to be a 20-man over-the-top battle royal, with the winner getting a title shot at WrestleMania. Another reason, Bischoff says, that he didn't let Austin here tonight was that he wanted to give the entire spotlight to a bigger star than Austin, the biggest star this industry has ever seen. Now we've got video of a chopper going through New York or LA looking at the road, and....it's THE ROCK. Apparently they decided that his music didn't suck enough and they needed to slow it down even more. Oh, I get it! Triple H is the only heel who can come out to good music and not be dragged down by Christian. Did I type that or just think it? Anyway, everybody wants to know why The Rock is on Raw. Well, maybe he's gonna explain. Finally, The Rock has come back to Toron...Toron...to run his mouth on all of the fans' candy asses. Why's The Rock on Raw? Well, The Rock did Vince McMahon a favor by beating the snot out of Hogan at No Way Out, so Vince did The Rock a favor by letting him be on Raw, right here in Toronto. "He said Toronto!" Holy crap, The Rock actually says "Oh, 'He said Toronto! We live in Toronto! Yay!' Ah, shut up!" I love it. He says that the biggest travesty started here, because it was here, at WrestleMania 18, that Toronto booed The Rock. The people turned on The People's Champion. 68,000 mother-canuckers booed The Rock! "Hogan! Hogan!" Rock reminds the nice people (remember, they are Canadian) that Hogan is on SmackDown!, so he's not here. But you're on SmackDown! Does Toronto think that The Rock would forget? It doesn't matter what Toronto thinks! There is, however, one thing that bothers The Rock. He's still pissed that he wasn't voted Superstar of the Decade, Austin was. "Austin!" Hey, they're getting it! eXcept Austin's not here either, because Bischoff banned him from the building. Oh, everybody loves Stone Cold. Well, The Rock doesn't. Stone Cold Steve Austin is nothing, and The Rock means nothing, compared to The Rock. There is only one Superstar of the Decade, and it's the Jabroni-beatin', pie-eating, la la la la la.....something that rhymes with suck.....'cuz the Maple Leafs SUCK! Well, it seems that the people are pissed. They're saying lots of stuff, but I can't make it out. Oh, here we go. "Asshole!" That works. No, wait. Here's a more specific one. "You sold out!" But I thought Ted DiBiase was doing religious revival matches with Sting and Nikolai Volkoff. Anyway (again), The Rock is here tongiht, so he's going to enter himself into the battle royal and go on to WrestleMania. Then, we're apparently going to have heel vs. heel at WM as he becomes the new World Heavyweight Champion. If ya smelllllllll..........woah! The people said "is cookin'!" Toronto was the first city to boo The Rock, so they're the first city to lose the priviledge of Sing-Along with The Great One. But what about Indianapolis? Don't they count? "Asshole!" Are they done? Toronto just needs to know their role and shut their mouth (the second one's the better game) because The Rock and ONLY The Rock says "is cookin'."
CSI is having a sweepstakes, William Shatner is getting buried alive, The Big Show isn't losing weight despite taking Stacker 2, Cody Banks shoudl stick to sitcoms and the guy from Empire Caroet freaks me out.
SmackDown! is going to be in a lot of cities that I don't feel like telling you about.
Tonight: Scott Steiner and Booker T team up to face Batista and Randy Orton!
WOMEN'S CHAMPION VICTORIA and STEVEN RICHARDS have joined JR and The King at the announce table.
JACQUELINE (Dallas, Texas) vs. JAZZ (with new music)(New Orleans, Louisiana)
Wow, an actual almost-match! Jazz starts with punches and a scoop slam, but Jackie nails (well, almost) a headscissors takedown off of an Irish Whip. There's a dropkick, knocking Jazz to the outside. Jackie follows up by putting Jazz's head into the apron and punching her. Jazz hits a clothesline, though, and the momentum has shifted. Legdrop gets two. Jackie tries to battle back with punches and kicks, but Jazz executes a dragon screw legwhip, then locks in a half crab. Seeing as how this move never works (Quoth Kurt Angle: "This move sucks!"), Jazz decides that the STF will move her to victory more swiftly, putting Jakcie (and the rest of us) out of her misery. Surely enough, she taps and that's all I wrote. 2:25 After the bell, Jazz grabs the mic and reminds us all that "The bitch is back!" As if on cue, the lights go out and Trish's music fires up. Being complete idiots, JR and Jerry don't know who it is until the lights come back up (Lilian must have...never mind) and TRISH STRATUS is at the entranceway. She makes her way to the ring and beats the snot out of Jazz, including a Lou Thesz press. Victoria decides that if Jazz gets her ass whipped, she does too, but doesn't even make it to the ring before taking a kick right in the face. Jazz attacks Trish, and they have a pullapart. Well, they would have a pullapart, if the refs could actually pull them apart.
K got neuralized again, so he's starring in The Hunted; one bad video game wasn't enough, so DOA made a volleyball game and Everquest went online. I don't care.
Tonight: Jerry Lawler faces Chief Morely in a No-Disqualification match!
Wow! GGW really is Girls Gone Wild, as TEST quickly finds out. There is literally a busful of whores, err, girls, just waiting for Test. I pity them. Test has to pick the finalists for Ms. Girls Gone Wild. He eventually picks some blonde, who sticks her tongue in his ear. I know you want to know, so I'll tell you. It did NOT come out the other side.
Now MAVEN is backstage talking with Test about his experience, declaring him officially the luckiest man alive. You mean screwing Stacy Keibler on a regular basis wasn't enough? Test declares this move the greatest one Stacy has ever made. Of course, she didn't know what GGW meant, so now she's not happy. And, as if on cue, she's here. STACY KEIBLER, that is. Test insists that nothing happened, saying that the girls forced their breasts into hsi hands. CHIEF MORELY decides to interrupt the lovely couple and inform them that they have a match tonight against Chris Jericho and Chris Tian (Thanks, Excalibur05). Test, in a move of incredible stupidity, promises that nothing will happen to Stacy. By the way, Stacy has taken to calling Test Andrew.
JR and Jerry talk about an interview that JR did recently with GOLDUST. How's he? Apparently the real question is, how's JR? JR's fine, but he wants to know about Goldust. Well, Goldust was electrocuted. JR says that Booker T said that Goldust wasn't right, and that there have been rumors of neurologicla damage. There have always been rumors that Goldust wasn't right, but Booker T and the fans have -twitch- supported him all -twitch- the time. JR asks if something's wrong. As if on cue (Is that three times tonight I've said that?), Goldust -twitch-es and says that the doctors -twitch- say that as long as -big twitch- he takes his medicine, he'll be fine. By the way, Randy Orton and Batista will never forget the name of [inhale]Gooooldust. It would have been cool if he had -twitch-ed after the inhale.
Bruce Willis is starring in another crappy movie, The Getaway proves that there are people in Britain who don't wear big fuzzy hats, that damn dog who replaced the good dog thinks that I go to college and K hasn't hit the deneuralizer yet.
WWE SLAM OF THE WEEK PRESENTED BY CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE: After Lance Storm twisted Kane's mask, he chokeslammed Rob Van Dam.
KANE (with ROB VAN DAM)(326 pounds) vs. LANCE STORM (with William Regal)(Calgary, Alberta-230 pounds)
Lance starts off with a sleeper, Kane backs him into the corner. He elbows Lance's face, then executes a military-press-slam. Lance goes over the top rope and Kane follows with punches. Back in now, and Lance is trying to fight back with punches. Coming off the ropes now, but Kane meets him with a boot to the face. Lance finally finds an effective method (cheating) and chokes Kane on the top rope. Missile dropkick gets two, and that's about where Lance's offense ends. He connects his knee with Kane's face, but the Zombie situp signals Lance's doom. Chokeslam for storm, but Kane hasn;t had enough. Because he used evry resource possible to win (and thus is evil), Lance must be completely squashed. Another chokeslam is enough, and he gest three. 2:23
RANDY ORTON and BATISTA are talking backstage. Austin's coming back, but it's no big deal. This is Randy's first match in over five months, and it's his first match on Raw in, has he ever had a match on Raw? Here's RIC FLAIR, come to tell them to destroy Booker T and Steiner and prove to the world that they are the evolution of this business. What does the Evolution mean? It means that another round of monkeys will have to make an eveolution to humanity before Triple H jobs to either one of them.
Steph shills for 1-800-225-5288, K just refuses to sit in that damn chair, Comcast Cable throws AT&T Broadband out of New England and Old Colony Dodge's cars are so OLD, they were made when Massachusetts was a COLONY.
The Heavily Booed SCOTT STEINER (275 pounds) and BOOKER T (Houston Texas-256 pounds) vs. BATISTA and RANDY ORTON (with RIC FLAIR and Ric Flair's music)(563 pounds)
JR and Jerry try to say that Steiner's being booed for having that stupid 1 on his tights. The fans know better. And another thing, why did they come out to Flair's music? Did Kane come out to RVD's music? Hopefully they're getting them some new music, but still, would it have killed them to use Batista's theme? Booker and Randy start by trading punches. Booker wins that battle, and starts chopping away. Well, it is Canada. That's what they do in Cnada-chop. Kick and a sidewalk slam get two for Booker. There's a flying forearm-like maneuver off the ropes by Booker, and a hook kick. Flair, after an Irish Whip, trips up Booker T. Steiner gives chase. In the ring, Batista spinebusts Booker, despite not being the legal man. This gets 2 for Randy, who decides to tag in Batista. He elbows Booker in the corner, then a running clothesline gets 2. He rams Booker into the corner and makes a tag. He punches Booker in the corner with Flair holding him there. Nice touch. Powerslam gets 2, Randy stomps away. Now they trade punches, again with Booker winning. There's a spinebuster on Orton and a spinning heel kick for Batista. Flair's on the apron, distracting the referee, so Batista and Orton drag Booker back to their corner and double team him. Batista's got Booker locked in a bear hug, but The Book elbows him a few times. Batista breaks up this mini-rally with a few knees to the gut and tags in Randy. He locks in a headlock, and during this headlock, I'll remind you that this match has been going on for 5 solid minutes, and Steiner has not yet been in the ring. This is a good thing. The Raw credits are up, as is the TV14DLV thing and the CC logo. Finally Booker battles back with elbows and a scissors kick. Batista's in, so he gets a superkick. It' slike he made a hot tag to himself! Hey, anything to keep Steiner out of the ring. Ric's distracting the ref again, so Randy and Batista drag him back to their corner again and double team him again. Steiner has had enough of this and comes into the ring. Every move Steiner makes is followed by a smattering of boos. And I thought Canada was stupid. Steiner clotheslines and suplexes both of them, then hits a military-press-drop on Orton. Ric's on the apron, Ric's in the ring, Ric's in the Steiner Recliner. Batista attacks Steiner, throws him out of the ring, then knocks Booker down for good measure. He goes outside to beat up Steiner some more, while Randy climbs to the top rope. OMG! He hit that frog-crossbody thing! I love that move! Booker doesn't, however, and rolls through for 1, 2, 3! Well, that was sudden. 7:46
Earlier Tonight, The Rock entered himself in the battle royal. Jericho and Tian face Martin and Keibler, next!
CSI sweepstakes, Star Trek 2, Truth, DOA Volleyball and Target.
Stone Cold will be back next week! Until then, listen to this crappy song about him.
CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba-227 pounds) and CHRIS TIAN (Tampa, Florida-224 pounds) vs. TEST (Toronto, Ontario-282 pounds) and STACY KEIBLER (Baltimore, Maryland)
Test starts with a tilt-a-whirl powerslam on Christian and a back body drop. Jericho awkwardly drops Stacy off of the apron. Stacy, you're going to fall. If you try not to, it'll only hurt more. Test chases, and once Jericho makes the ring, Christian attacks Test. Test clotheslines both of them and goes for a military-press-slam on Christian, but Jericho nails him with a chair. After another shot, the ref decides to DQ him. 1:15 Holy crap! Christian just hit the Unprettier! Test is handcuffed to the rope. Stacy's in the ring, and this is probably where TSN cuts out. Walls of Jericho! Walls of Jericho! For God's sake, Stacy it's a submission! You're supposed to tap! Oh, right. It's the Walls of Jericho. ("This move sucks!") Shut up, Kurt. Oh, now she's in pain. Let's listen. "Ow! Owww!" Oh. Hey, look! It's JEFF HARDY. Hey, look! It's a heel stopping a run-in by a face! Unprettier! Unprettier for the second time tonight! Oh, well, fun's over. SHAWN MICHAELS probably won't get beat down. And, again, Jericho left the key. When will he learn?
CSI, ST2, ATT, GTX
Hey, look! It's VINCE CARTER!
Moments Ago, TSN sued WWE.
Jeff's still in the ring, and apparently he's got a match. CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI is out now, so I guess he drew the short straw. Watch your neck! His mike's busted. He congratulates Jeff on trying to save the damsel in distress, but notes that Jeff failed. He should be used to failure, though, because he is one. Jeff, being outragde, hits a swinging neckbreaker, which is a reverse Twist of Fate. Of course, the Twist of fate is a reverse swinging neckbreaker. There's the bell, and the Swanton gets 3. 0:13 After the bell, Jeff attacks Chris with punches and a choke in the corner. After minimal effort, the ref decides to reverse the decision and award the match to Nowinski.
Jerry Lawler faces Chief Morely-next!
Cody Banks, Greyhound, Twix, Snickers and Target
ROB VAN DAM is backstage with KANE. Kane can't believe The Rock's attitude. He wants to throw Rocky out and on to WrestleMania. RVD says that HE wants to beat Rock, and that HE wants to go to WrestleMania.
THE ROCK is in his dressing room. He's talking with someone and says that if Stone Cold Steve Austin has a problem with The Rock, he can tell it to him face to face on Long Island next week. Why is there a guitar in there? So The Rock can play it. Canadians suck, and they can kiss his ass. Holy comeback! It's THE HURRICANE! Holy letdown! The people loved The Rock, and now he's trashing them! Whassupwitdat?!?!?!?! Who in the green Hell is he? Oh, wait! Big green shirt with an H on it, green mask, this must be the Hamburgular! Rock wants a cheeseburger, no ketchup. Seriously, though, Hurricane shoudln't oughta bust in like that. He is nothing. Every superhero is better than Hurricane. Superman, Batman (who is NOTHING without gadgets and Alfred), even Aquaman. Yes, the dude who talks to fish! Well, Hurricane knows one superhero that he could beat! The Scorpion King! Hell, Brendon Fraser beat The Scorpion King! Well, that was just a special effect for the movie! Well, then, can The Rock fly? Didn't think so.
JERRY LAWLER (Memphis, Tennessee) vs. AD BREAK (Parts Unknown)
Ad starts off with Taco bell, then hits Jerry with two crappy games, Getaway and WindWaker! Lawler's wobbling now, and Break hits him with a 1-2 fast food combo, Burger King and more Taco Bell! Jerry Lawler has just jobbed to Ad Break! How's he going to beat Val Venis?
JERRY LAWLER (Memphis, Tennessee) vs. CHIEF MORELY (Someplace in Canada-244 pounds)
Morely starts with ounches and stomps, but Lawler hits a clothesline and a back body drop. Punches and a clothesline over the toip send them onto the floor. Hey, you know the ref? "He screwed Bret!" Morely throws Lawler into the barricade, but LAwler throws him into the stairs. After refreshing Morely's memory of the post, Lawler is thrown face-first into it. 3 suplexes by Morely once they're in the ring, getting a count of 2. Morely is all over Lawler here, hitting a spinebuster and the Money Shot. No cover, though, as the COS tosses a chair into the ring. Earl Hebner, in a desperate attempt to get face heat in Canada, tosses the chair out of the ring. And the crowd BOOS! Morely can't believe it. I'd like to see if he can believe that THE DUDLEY BOYZ have come into the ring and are beating the snot out of him. One fist drop later and it's over. 4:45
The battle royal is next!
PFC, GTX, EOA
Stone Cold will be baxk next week. Until then, listen to this much better song about him.
THE EVOLUTION(sans Game) are backstage. Apparently, Tripps wants Batista and Orton to eliminate everybody, especially Kane, RVD and Steiner. Orton wants Booker T all to himself.
THE ROCK is walking!
CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba-227 pounds)(I knew he would get to come out first eventually) vs. 3 MINUTE WARNING (Jobberville-720 pounds) vs. ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan-235 pounds) vs. AD BREAK (Parts Unknown) vs. WILLIAM SHATNER vs. AGENT K vs. KENNY WALLACE vs. BRUCE WILLIS vs. A BUNCH OF GUYS WHO ENTERED DURING THE BREAK vs. MAVEN (Charlotesville, Virginia-220 pounds) vs. TEST (Toronto, Ontario-282 pounds) vs. THE ROCK (Miami, Florida-270 pounds)
I royally suck at calling battle royals. I really do. This is why I don't do PPV reports, because eventually I'd run into the Royal Rumble, and then I'd be screwed. Here's the elimination order:
Chris Jericho eliminated Test Chris Jericho was once again screwed by outside interference, as this time he eliminated himself after Test came running after him RVD eliminated Jamal The Rock eliminated TOMMY DREAMER The Rock eliminated Maven SCOTT STEINER eliminated STEVEN RICHARDS BATISTA and RANDY ORTON eliminated RVD Batista eliminated AL SNOW THE HURRICANE eliminated RODNEY MACK The Rock eliminated The Hurricane Randy Orton eliminated JEFF HARDY Scott Steiner eliminated Randy Orton Batista eliminated Scott Steiner BOOKER T eliminated Batista KANE eliminated Rosey Kane eliminated LANCE STORM The Rock eliminated Kane and CHRIS TIAN when Christian was on Kane's shoulders near the ropes Booker T eliminated The Rock.
Final match time: 12:25
Booker T is going to WrestleMania to challenge Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship. I hope tonight's Raw showed Vince what WWE can do without Triple H in every other segment.
Feedback (positive or negative) is much appreciated.
Bye now, Gugs firstname.lastname@example.org
(edited by gugs on 25.2.03 0155) The preceding post expressed the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He was biased, opinionated and bitter. You were warned.
The following post expresses the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He is biased, opinionated and bitter. You have been warned.
I like to bold a person's first appearance in this particular segment. I didn't bold when Jeff Hardy was still in the ring after getting beaten up by Christian, but I did bold when he came back. It's nothing I'm really all that attached to, and if it detracts from the quality of the report, I can easily stop doing it. In fact, it'll probably save me some time.
The preceding post expressed the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He was biased, opinionated and bitter. You were warned.
Originally posted by gugsI like to bold a person's first appearance in this particular segment. I didn't bold when Jeff Hardy was still in the ring after getting beaten up by Christian, but I did bold when he came back. It's nothing I'm really all that attached to, and if it detracts from the quality of the report, I can easily stop doing it. In fact, it'll probably save me some time.
No, I guess I just wasn't getting into the pattern. Not to sound pretentious or anything, but I'd suggest using my method of just bolding a person's first appearence on the show (not only does it save time, but it's also just more up-front).
Other than that, you did a fine job recapping (again). Far better than I could do at a serious recap.
(edited by Excalibur05 on 25.2.03 0101) Satire 2/24 (I promise to learn the new coding by next week) Buffy 7.15 gets a 8 The Kennedy tweener turn happened out of nowhere, but whatever. Mostly good stuff though.
So what if it's not even Christmas yet? For this column, I've decided I'm going to stop ripping off other columnists, and go straight to WWE Magazine. It's time to look into the crystal ball of the future to see what will (and won't)