Who am I to comment on music? After all, I have no musical taste or talent, right? Well, that’s true. But what I do have is WWE Originals, the new CD written and composed in five minutes in Vince’s office after an all night bender, and I also have the respect and admiration of all my peers and fans here on the Internet wrestling scene. So without further ado, I’ll tell you what you should download off Kaaz…I mean purchase for a low low price at a fine retailer near you.
(Star ratings are out of Five)
Track # 1, 5, 9, 13, 17 Spoken Word Skits Featuring Sheriff Stone Cold Steve Austin and WWE Composer Jim Johnston
Sounds Like: Any number of cheesy skits you’ve heard on other popular music CDs.
What Satire Matt Would Say: This Jim Johnston guy has tons of heel charisma! He should be totally main eventing Smackdown. He’s way cooler than anybody they’ve got on their anyway. Plus he’s already got a look. He’s geeky, but in a really creepy way. You should have heard him going on and on about my Darling Stacy. What the hell? Austin needs stop drinking. I’m beginning to think he has a serious problem
What Real Matt Says: Especially strung together one after another, this is a very funny segment. Especially Austin taking Johnston to task for his theme. The payoff is pretty lame, but the skits come off much better than these spoken word skits usually do on music CDs.
But Is It Any Good? Yeah. Austin playing the segments totally in character with Johnston acting entirely befuddled makes for a very fun set of tracks.
Stars: **** (As a whole)
Track # 2 We’ve Had Enough – The Dudley Boyz
Sounds Like: Typical Rap/Rock
What Satire Matt Would Say: D-Von actually sings! Holy Crap! This absolutely made my day! I was afraid that they were just going to mix in popular D-Von sayings (like “Testify,” “Whuzzzzaaaap,” and “Wednesday is for suckers!”) P-Diddy style over Bubba’s stuttering Dusty Rhodes impression. Wait. That would have been way cooler. What the hell is wrong with the WWE? This just ruined my day.
What Real Matt Says: This isn’t terrible! If you can get over the pretty cheesy “rapping” that Bubba and D-Von do over the nu metal guitar riffs, you’ll find a pretty enjoyable song. It’s obvious that Bubba and D-Von (Bubba especially) are having all kinds of fun singing, and it energizes the song, especially with D-Von’s powerful voice. I’m still not sold on this as an entrance theme, but I haven’t skipped it on playthrough once.
But Is It Any Good? Yes. Like I said, it’s REALLY typical rap/rock stuff, but in a good way. It’s fun to listen to, especially if you like the Dudz.
Track # 3 I Just Want You - Trish Stratus
Sounds Like: Pick a Teen Pop Star. I’ll pick one for you. Hillary Duff.
What Satire Matt Would Say: Trish wants me…to what? Wait…is this song written for Chris Jericho?! WOW! Hey, Jericho, I think Trish luvs you! Man, this is the greatest love song of all time. It almost moved me to tears thinking of the video where Trish is on the phone singing to Jericho’s answering machine and writing his name on her notebook, and then Jericho comes into her appartment at the end and they run at each other to embrace, but then Trish kicks him in the balls for breaking into her apartment.
What Real Matt Says: On the DVD they talk about Trish like she’s got a real career in singing. I don’t buy it. Then again, she doesn’t sound terrible. She makes a halfway decent showing of herself. I’ll go so far as to say that I wouldn’t mind hearing another Trish Stratus song. But do I think there’s any money in it for her? No. I respect the spunk at which she approached this role, but she should stick to the wrestling.
But Is It Any Good? Check your CDs. See any Brittney or Jessica Simpson in there? Check your walls. Any Trish posters? If you answered no to both questions, you’re probably not going to enjoy this song.
Track # 4 Crossing Borders – Rey Misterio
Sounds Like: Konan’s Rap Video
What Satire Matt Would Say: I really loved the part where Rey started speaking in English, and then suddenly switched to Spanish to show that he’s proud to “cross the borders.” Hey…that was the whole fricking song. I like the part where Disco Inferno dances across the screen. Wait…that’s on the WWE Originals – REMIX CD. Sorry.
What Real Matt Says: This is definitely…interesting. While he’s not the first guy I’d pick to sing a song on a CD, the tone and style of the song fit him pretty well. An energetic little rap with a very Spanish flavor which fits both his character and his voice. The downside is, he’s just…well…not all that great.
But Is It Any Good? A for effort, but C for quality. It’s not horrible or anything, the song fits Rey very well, but it’s certainly not great.
Track # 6 Can You Dig It? – Booker T
Sounds Like: Busta Rhymes fused with Shane McMahon to horrible horrible results.
What Satire Matt Would Say: Man, when Booker first asked me whether or not I could dig it, I was like “I dunno….”, but then by the 45th time, I was actually starting to think, ”Hey…maybe I CAN dig it.” But by that time the song was over, and I was left out in the cold. Bonus points for rhyming “down” with “down”.
What Real Matt Says: Man. Booker’s obviously having some sort of fun with this, but this is just an incredibly crappy song. The rap comes off like it was written by a rhythmically challenged white guy who knows how to rhyme and sung by someone with a decent voice. But then again, Booker can’t really rap either, so the voice issue is fairly moot too.
But Is It Any Good? Not really. No. The song is all over the place, and not in a very good way. I’ll give credit to Booker for having a decent voice and enjoying the singing, but that doesn’t make up for the poor presentation or song quality.
Track # 7 I Don’t Suck – Kurt Angle
Sounds Like: Kurt Angle Circa a 2000 Edge and Christian Segment
What Satire Matt Would Say: Kurt Angle is the future of the music business. He should just retire his broken ass and start singing. I can’t wait for Kurt Angle IS Nathan Lane IN “The Producers of the Producers”.
What Real Matt Says: This is one of those few songs that tries VERY VERY hard to be VERY VERY Bad, and succeeds to hilarious results. Angle just has that innate charisma to make a really crappy song and a really crappy performance sound like comedic gold. From it starting off with him chanting out of tune over his theme music to him breaking it down in an Olympic rap, this song sucks so hard it rocks.
But Is It Any Good? Well, not really, no. But that’s what makes it awesome. Angle is SO deliberately out of place and everybody recognizes that fact SO well, that the song becomes a tribute to how bad songs can be.
Track # When I Get You Alone - Lita
Sounds Like: An Avril Lavigne cover band who has decided that Avril isn’t quite Punk Rawk Enough, so they’re going to try to sing like her, but with louder guitars.
What Satire Matt Would Say: Wow, this song sucks so bad they should put a parental advisory sticker that says “Don’t let your kids listen to Track 8 if you want them to grow up and lead normal non-rawking lives”.
What Real Matt Says: In this song, Lita, accompanied by terrible music and even worse Avril-lite singing, tries to convince you that she really really would like to have sex with you. Or maybe play checkers. I don’t really know what she does when she gets people alone. Kudos, I suppose to Lita for basically saying “I don’t even like this song, but a paycheck’s a paycheck.”
But Is It Any Good? Not really, no.
Track # 10 You Just Don’t Know Me At All – Lillian Garcia
Sounds Like: An over produced Girl Rock Group
What Satire Matt Would Say: She’s not wrestler! Her job is to get the names, weights, home towns and championships of the wrestlers wrong, not to invade their CDs and sing all over the place. Perhaps, I just don’t know her. At all.
What Real Matt Says: Lillian certainly has a good voice, but the song and the backup band are totally wrong for her. She needs to be singing ballads, not overproduced rock songs. The rock track completely clashes with her voice and the song doesn’t use her vocal talents at all.
But Is It Any Good? Lillian’s all right, the music is all right, and the song is all right. But all three together just don’t mesh. It’s like a salad made with ketchup, chocolate and Chicken in a Biscuit crackers. Three things that might be alright separate, but are horrible together.
Track # 11 Los Guererros – We Lie, We Cheat, We Steal
Sounds Like: Their Theme, but with more talking
What Satire Matt Would Say: Man, this song is so sad and bittersweet now that I know it made them break up. Why is it that all the best bands break up just when they’re hitting their stride? Oh well, Eddie and Chavo, we’ll always have your Grammy nominated effort “We Lie, We Cheat, We Steal”.
What Real Matt Says: Well, this one would be awfully hard to screw up. Basically, it’s Latino Heat spoken word poetry delivered by Eddie and Chavo while a mixersized version of their theme drones on in the background. It succeeds in being fairly funny. If you liked the Latino Heat or Los Guererros gimmicks, you’ll probably enjoy Eddie and Chavo here. Chavo seems to be more into this.
But Is It Any Good? I guess so. It’s cute, but it’s cute in an entirely unmusical way. As a song, it has no real merits at all. As a track of Chavo and Eddie goofing off while rhyming as music plays, it succeeds.
Track # 12 Don’t You Wish You Were Me? – Chris Jericho
Sounds Like: Fozzy
What Satire Matt Would Say: I do! I DO WANT TO BE LIKE CHRIS JERICHO! My dream has always been to be in as many bad acting segments as possible! I mean…uh…blow spots. Uh…job to HHH…wait…I don’t want to be anything like Chris Jericho. Well, I envy his hair.
What Real Matt Says: Probably the best pure track on the CD. Jericho knows what he’s doing and it shows through pretty well. It sounds quite a bit like his Fozzy efforts. The music fits the song, and Jericho does his full on rockstar performance.
But Is It Any Good? Yes. If you like Jericho in Fozzy, you’ll probably appreciate the song the most.
Track # 14 Put a Little Ass on It - Rikishi
Sounds Like: Barry White was reincarnated as Sir Mixalot in an asstastic ode to the ass.
What Satire Matt Would Say: You know what’s awesome? Songs about asses. More so than the “Bum Song” by Tom Green, this song has caused me to run around and put my ass on things. Why, just this morning I’ve put my ass on cereal, an old woman, and a police officer. I should be out of jail by next Tuesday.
What Real Matt Says: The most impressive thing about this song is Rikishi’s voice. I’m a sucker for a smooth voice, and Rikishi’s actually got it. Unfortunately, the biggest problem is that…well…the chorus of the song is “Put a little ass on it.” It’s meant to be funny, obviously, but Rikishi actually sounds good enough that the effect of the joke is lost and the ass stuff is disappointing. What exactly does put a little ass on it “like a baby” mean anyway?
But Is It Any Good? Kinda. Rikishi sounds about a thousand times better than you’d probably expect, but the fact that the song is an ode to ass doesn’t work in the way they’d intended.
Track # 15 Why Can’t We Just Dance? – Stacy Keibler
Sounds Like: Any number of Dance Club songs that have been released since the mid-90s
What Satire Matt Would Say: OMG! My Darling Stacy is SOOOOO cute! Listen to her sing! She’s like the new Diversity Five! And she wants to have sex with me! Or at least…I think that’s what the innuendo of the song is about. Unless…she really has been just waiting to dance with me. That’s kind of a disappointing thought. Anybody want to teach me the Electric Slide?
What Real Matt Says: This is probably the most surprising track for me. You know what I think of Stacy, but honestly, I completely expected this song to suck. Instead, it’s an entirely acceptable dance track. Much along the lines of something you’d hear at a nightclub or on one of those “Dance Dance Beat Mix” CDs, the song is good and Stacy’s voice isn’t half bad. Johnston overproduces another one, but this time it covers up the fact that Stacy isn’t a natural singer and makes the song pretty enjoyable.
But Is It Any Good? I like Stacy, so I’m a bit biased here, but if you like dance music, it’s a fairly safe bet that you’ll enjoy Stacy’s song too.
Track #16 Basic Thuganomics – John Cena
Sounds Like: His theme song, but longer.
What Satire Matt Would Say: I’ve heard this somewhere before. Oh yeah, it’s the only good thing about Smackdown every week. Hey! Now that I have it on CD, I can skip Smackdown every week. Nothing ever happens on there anyway.
What Real Matt Says: Probably the best song on the CD, but you knew what you were getting into when you picked it up, because it’s on Smackdown every week. The anti-Undertaker lyrics sound awfully dated now, though.
But Is It Any Good? Yes. Cena sounds fine and the song is good, with the exception of the few time specific lines.
Satire Matt’s Opinion:
Don’t buy this crap! Vince McMahon is Satan and he’ll use the proceeds from you buying the CD to give HHH the World Title and make him have Satan babies with his shrieking daughter. All the songs suck (except for the one by My Darling Stacy) and it’s totally missing songs by such artists as Kane, Funaki and TOMMY F’N DREAMER. What the hell is this? Can you afford a $9.99 coaster? Because if you can, hook me up with some of that money.
Real Matt’s Opinion:
A CD that should probably have allowed itself to revel in its crapulence (like on the Angle Track) too often tries to allow/force the wrestlers to be serious (like on the Lita Track). However, the result is a mixed bag of some fairly Ok songs and some really bad ones. If you’re reading this, you probably like wrestling and are at least curious about buying the CD. I’d say give it a shot. It’s interesting to listen to them try something different, and the ones that don’t succeed fail so badly that it’s laughably fun at least. I mean, none of these songs are going to hit the charts any time soon, but some are actually pretty good. You pretty much know what you’re buying here, so if you don’t like it, don’t come crying to me.
Best 4 Tracks:
#4: We’ve Had Enough – The Dudley Boyz #3: Why Can’t We Just Dance – Stacy Keibler #2: Don’t You Wish You Were Me – Chris Jericho #1: Basic Thugganomics – John Cena
Worst 4 Tracks:
#4 You Just Don’t Know Me at All – Lillian Garcia #3: Crossing Boarders – Rey Misterio #2: Can You Dig It – Booker T #1: When I Get You Alone - Lita
(edited by Excalibur05 on 14.1.04 1305)This Space For Rent.
They were playing this before the show tonight in Des Moines. We walked in while "I Don't Suck" was playing and it was hysterical. People were talking about it. Kurt needs to turn heel just to support this track.
The rest of it...well..."Grab Them Cakes" wouldn't have been out of place.
Interesting. This is definitely the type of CD I'll see in the 1.99 budget CD section a year from now, and that's when I'll pick it up. Probably just to have the Kurt Angle song. I haven't heard it, but I've heard good things about it. The title "I Don't Suck" alone is friggin hilarious.
Test's relationship might explain why he's so curiously unenthusiastic about the vast tracts o' land -- if your girlfriend looked like Stacy, would you want her to see you on TV slobbering over a bunch of seminude women who aren't her?