I’m going to skip the Heat match, because I’ve grown accustomed to skipping Heat matches lately – but I DO feel partially guilty about it because I like giving props when props are due… So incase you missed it, Ultimo Dragon got TV time, Billy Kidman rose from the dead, and Paul London hung out with them. Together, they battled Yakuza, but SHOULD have battled a bunch of Villanos. Regardless, fun resulted and if I was rating it, I’d probably give them some stars.
Then the show started, and you KNOW the best way to get wrestling fans excited for some hot wrestling action is to have…
SABLE and TORRIE WILSON tease HLA for 5 minutes, and then fail to deliver. Yeah, that’s IT! The girls vamping to sell Playboy, fail to deliver the sex they keep stating they’ll deliver, and charge me $35 for this pleasure. In the words of Hollywood Hulk Hogan from No Way Out 2002: “GOD BLESS VINCE MCMAHON!”
We’re LIVE from the Cow Palace in San Francisco for No Way Out! MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ are calling all the action! They’re not alone however, as we’ve got HUGO SAVINOVICH and CARLOS CABRERA not too far away, for those of you who understand Spanish.
Opening package… Brock Lesnar sells this as “just another title defence” and states he may take his time, or destroy Guerrero before focusing on the REAL challenge of Bill Goldberg. Meanwhile, Guerrero states he’s been here before, backed into a corner, and he will not be bested on this night.
THE BASHAM BROTHERS and SHANIQUA (with the Big Black Dildo) vs. RIKISHI and SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (in a handicap match for the WWE tag-team titles)
Alright! My favorite type of match! The “we changed the tag-team titles from one heatless team to another for No Apparent Reason, and now we’re giving the first heatless team a re-match and we’ll give it a Wacky Gimmick” match! Michael Cole starts going on about the long 5 year climb to the top for Scotty and Rikishi, which is of course flawed because they ONLY started tagging once Brian Christopher was released, Rikishi turned face, and Scotty wasn’t injured, and if you follow the timeline, that would take us right to about…2 months ago. Scotty and Danny start. Danny hammers at Scotty’s neck, while Tazz wonders who’d be the champs if Shaniqua scores the pinfall. Scotty gets tossed, but skins the cat and comes back with a rana. Rikishi tags in, as does Doug. Rikishi hammers in the punches, blocks a sunset flip with his being too fat to flip, and slaps his cellulite. After taking out both Bashams, Shaniqua is pulled in, and threatened with a Stink Face before the boys save the day. Scotty comes in and attempts a faceslam to set up the Worm, but Doug ducks and knocks Scotty down. Scotty stands, and they knock eachother out shortly thereafter. Scotty’s up first off a kip up, and sees the fallen Doug. Eyes bug out…W….O….R…and Shaniqua knocks his head off with a clothesline. Danny comes in, and helps Doug with a double slingshot suplex for 2. Shaniqua comes in and kicks away before hitting a bodyslam while the announcers sell just how strong she is. Give it up, we had one Chyna, we don’t need more. Scotty grabs Shaniqua by the throat and starts dragging her to his corner, but she escapes and Doug tags in to cut off the ring. Scotty crawls and gets close, but Danny grabs a tag and hangs on to Scotty’s leg. From there, they tag in and out while working over Scotty, and Doug puts on a sleeper. Scotty comes back with a jawbreaker, and Shaniqua comes in to try to powerbomb Scotty. That fails as she winds up backdropped, bringing in Rikishi to clean house. Danny takes a DDT, leaving only Shaniqua and Rikishi. He no-sells a sleeper, and snapmares her. The Bashams try to save their girl, but Scotty fights them off and Rikishi calls for the Banzai! At the last second, they save her again, pulling Rikishi off the second rope and slamming him backwards. Shaniqua tries a cover, but Rikishi kicks out at 2. Scotty hits a tope on both Bashams who were outside and Rikishi flattens Shaniqua with a Samoan drop. Once again, he calls for the Banzai, and this time it doesn’t miss. 1, 2, 3, champs retain! (8:15) *1/2
The camera spies an EMPTY SEAT! Alert the media! It apparently belongs to Goldberg.
Jamie Noble and Nidia get a video package! Heaven help us all…
JAMIE NOBLE vs. NIDIA (in a Noble blindfold match)
Quite the rack Nidia’s sporting these days… Noble slips the blindfold over his head, and dives at Nidia while he’s still sure where she is. Smartly, she takes off and he hits nothing. Nidia waits on the apron until Noble’s close enough to slap, and does so. Noble takes the hood off and yells at the referee – but CHARLES ROBINSON ain’t takin’ any shit tonight. You tell ‘em Lil’ Naitch! Noble puts it back on while Nidia stalks the outside. When Noble winds up close enough, she trips him up and gets back into the ring. She stomps around so he knows where to go, and then circles back to kick him in the ass. She pulls this stunt twice, before finding herself caught in the corner and Noble just inches away…from her tits. They tease him grabbing her tits, before he turns and goes off in another direction. Nidia pantses Noble, and bulldogs him for 2. Noble hooks a leg and hangs on for dear life – but Nidia is able to hit a headscissors sending Noble outside. Noble tries to climb back to the apron, where Nidia hits a swinging dropkick sending him back outside. Once Noble’s back in, Nidia does the “smack my bitch up” wiggle, and kicks Noble in the ass again. The joke is wearing thin real quick… Nidia goes in for the kill, but of course it means that Noble’s got his hands on her now and he pulls her around by the hair until some of it comes out in his hands… Ouch. Nidia comes back with a drop toe hold which sends Noble into the ropes and down – and climbs to the top. While Robinson administers the 5 count for the top, Noble sneaks a peak – and rushes at Nidia who he slams off the top. On the mat, he slaps on a dragon sleeper and she taps out immediately. (4:24) 1/4*
Backstage, KURT ANGLE is interrogated by JOSH MATTHEWS. Kurt says he has nothing to explain as far as his attack on The Big Show goes last week. He reminds us that there were only 2 guys who benefited from knocking him out backstage earlier in the night – those guys being John Cena or The Big Show. JOHN CENA quickly hits the scene…
“Oh, it’s true, it’s true It’s all about Wrestlemania, it’s all about who gets to go to the Grand Daddy of ‘em all But see you got it wrong Kurt, I am the type of guy to knock your ass out But if John Cena gonna do it, he’s gonna do it right to yo face!”
And from there, Angle takes a bitch slap – and they brawl!
Wrestlemania XX – in 28 days!!!!!!
THE WORLD’S GREATEST TAG-TEAM vs. THE ACOLYTES
My thoughts on this match being booked can be summed up in one word… Gross. Benjamin and Faarooq start. Benjamin takes Faarooq down with a waistlock and gets 2. Benjamin celebrates, but gets too mouthy and takes an asskicking for 2. In comes Bradshaw and the Acolytes use a double shoulderblock to take down Benjamin, and score a 2. Benjamin tries to attack the arm of Bradshaw which is in a cast, but Bradshaw kicks away so he tags in Haas. Bradshaw, one handed is able to fight Haas off and goes back to Faarooq. Faarooq whips Haas back first from turnbuckle to turnbuckle, but misses an avalanche and Haas attacks. Faarooq’s arm is applied in the ropes hammerlock style, and Benjamin adds insult to injury with a jawbreaker on the ropes. TWGTT tag in and out working on Faarooq’s arm, driving knees into it and applying various armbars and hammerlocks. A Fujiwara armbar gets 2 from Benjamin. Faarooq attempts to fight back, but takes a flying armbar for 2. Benjamin tags out to Haas, and hooks the leg of Faarooq so Haas has an open target to stomp on…and chooses the arm of course. Haas bodyslams Faarooq, charges, and takes a spinebuster! Faarooq tags out, and the one armed bandit comes in, taking out TWGTT all by himself. Haas is sent out, and Benjamin takes a powerbomb for a close 2. Faarooq and Haas brawl on the floor – where Haas sends Faarooq’s injured arm into the ringpost. Benjamin goes up, but gets caught by Bradshaw who hits the last call fallaway slam off the top for 2. Haas is back in and takes a Clothesline From Hell – but celebrates too long and meets a superkick from Benjamin! Cover, 1, 2, 3! (7:23) ** A little weird that they spent the whole match working over each of the APA’s arms, and didn’t actually DO anything with it…but so be it.
GOLDBERG arrives, escorted by SECURITY. Really now – if he’s here with a ticket and nothing more, he shouldn’t have the security. Goldberg hugs SOME KIDS.
Here’s a video package highlighting the Brock Lesnar/Goldberg feud thus far…
PAUL E visits the ring – STILL selling the spear. Now THAT’S a trooper! Heyman wants to know just who in the hell Goldberg thinks he is… “Oh, I get it, you’re GOOOOOOLLLLLDBERRRRRRG! Well sir, I’m HEYMAN! PAUL HEYMAN! And this is the first Smackdown! pay-per-view of the Paul Heyman administration. Now, I realize Mr. Goldberg that you have spent 11 months up close and personal with the inferior RAW brand, and I’m very proud of you sir. Well sir, this is Smackdown!, and I’m glad you had the good taste to witness a Smackdown! PPV, but I assure you Goldberg that’s all your going to do. If you get up out of that seat Mr. Goldberg, I will not hesitate to have security escort you out!” From there, Heyman rants and raves about having him arrested, thrown in jail, feasted on by rats, etc… BROCK LESNAR joins them, and Heyman announces “BILL GOLDBERG, HERE COMES THE PAIN!” Goldberg doesn’t budge. “How you doin’ Bill?” Fans: “YOU TAPPED OUT!” Brock’s here simply to prove he’s not intimidated by Goldberg… “Come get me right now Bill!” “YOU STAY RIGHT THERE BILL!” “Sit there and come get me! I’m right here.” “YOU SIT RIGHT THERE, AND DON’T YOU MAKE A MOVE!” “You’re scared. I can see it in your eyes, you’re scared. I know you’re scared.” This continues… “You sit there and be the bitch that you are.” Goldberg hops the railing, and Brock thinks about bailing…but hangs around. Heyman runs away though. Shirts are taken off and Brock drives Goldberg back to the corner with ease. He goes for the F5 – but Goldberg counters it into the JACKHAMMER!!!!!!!!!! Heyman: “SECURITY! SECURITY! SECURITY! HELP! HELP! HELP!!!!” SECURITY does come down in short order while Michael Cole throws a shit fit about Goldberg assaulting Smackdown! talent.
I should note that while it was great hearing the roof blown off a place for the spine tingling chill that you get when fans envision Brock vs. Goldberg – it was NOTHING compared to the roar going through Boston at That Very Moment with the news that A-Rod was a Yankee! Vince WISHES he could book stories like The Evil Empire!
BOB HOLLY vs. RHYNO (in a no DQ match)
Of course, Brock’s still selling injuries when Bob enters – who immediately dives after him. Brock takes a powder…he’s still got a title to defend! Rhyno enters, and they brawl in the aisle. Back in, Holly takes down Rhyno with a snapmare. Bob works a headlock on the mat for the first minute of the match. They stand, and Bob takes Rhyno down with a shoulderblock, and then chops away. Rhyno charges – but Bob sidesteps and sends Rhyno outside. Bob follows, and gets his back driven into the back of the ring apron over and over. Back in, Rhyno continues to work the shoulderblocks into Bob’s midsection and knees him in the gut for 2. Rhyno snapmares Bob and works a body scissors. Taking it a little old school – Rhyno yells at the crowd to “SHUT UP” and squeezes harder by making his eyes pop out of his own head…which is actually really cool. Hotshot by Rhyno – and Bob falls back in giving Rhyno a 2. Rhyno: “WHO’S THE MAN?” Chris: “VADER!” Bob ducks a clothesline and comes back with a belly to back suplex. The referee starts a 10 count, but Rhyno’s up early. He stomps at Bob, and covers for 2. Holly gets whipped into the corner, and Rhyno drives his knees into Bob – before whipping him into the other corner. Holly fires back with a clothesline, and both men are down. They stand and start to slug it out. Holly winds with a shoulderblock and clotheslines Rhyno. Running dropkick connects, and gets 2 for Bob. Holly heads to the top rope – gets caught, and superplexed! Rhyno manages to score a 2 count. Holly manages to avoid a backdrop, lands on his feet, and hits the Scorpion Deathdrop…for 2! Rhyno fires back with a nasty spinebuster and GORES Bob!!!!!! Holly rolls out before Rhyno can cover, and gets back in at 9. Rhyno hammers away at the prone Holly, but Bob stands and hits the Alabama Slam out of nowhere for the win. (9:55) **1/2
Monday Night Wars DVD promo… My copy hasn’t arrived yet, damnit! Foley came in today though! Perhaps I’ll review that…if I find time between RAW and Smackdown! this week. (Assuming I actually pick up the schedule of recapping shows I keep TELLING myself I’m going to…)
New “Smack Your TV” ad with Vince hanging out with A Member Of The IWC or something.
Here’s some build up to Chavo vs. Rey… I’ll bet it’s next!
Scratch that… It’s an Undertaker video. He returns in 28 days, don’tcha know?
CHAVO GUERRERO JR. (with Jose Lothario) vs. REY MYSTERIO JR. (with Jorge Paez) (for the WWE cruiserweight title)
For those who keep asking WHO this legendary Jorge Paez is, please note that he’s knocked out all the legends! Tyson! Holyfield! Lewis! Foreman! (Though, to be fair, it was Carlos Tyson, Miguel Holyfield, Pedro Lewis, and Jose Foreman…) Rey points to his mask – because Chavo promised to take it or something… It’s like it’s 1999 all over again! I guess that makes Chavo Lex Luger. They trade wristlocks and Rey hiptosses Chavo. Chavo applies a headlock and takes down Rey with a shoulderblock. Snapmare – and Chavo goes for the mask, but Rey kicks Chavo in the face. A dropkick sends the Junior Chavo to the floor, where the Senior one is quickly there to remind him it’s a championship match. Back in, Rey hits a rana, and follows with a victory roll for 2! Chavo comes back by elevating Rey and planting him into the mat stomach first. Chavo dropkicks Rey in the face and gets 2. Scoop slam by Chavo connects – and a second more vicious one gets 2. Chavo moves to a top wristlock, and pounds at the exposed ribs of Rey in the process. They move into a waistlock, where Rey fights Chavo off, and bounces off the BOTTOM rope into a sunset flip – which Chavo is able to roll through. Chavo charges, and Rey hits a drop toe hold. That’s quickly followed by a 619 REALLY early on! The West Coast Pop is set…but Senior pulls Rey off the apron. Jorge Paez rushes over, and knocks out Chavo Senior with the old “windmill punch”! JIM CORDERAS, the scab, isn’t in a fun mood and sends Paez to the back. Chavo goes to check on his father…and Rey dives off the top and hits a massive plancha! Chavo’s sent back in, where Rey drops the dime…for 2. Rey hammers in some punches, and sends Chavo face first into the buckle, before rolling him up for a quick 2. Chavo manages to shoo Rey long enough to set for a tornado DDT – but Rey fights it off and follows him to the top. Chavo comes back, and catches Rey – hitting a TOP ROPE BACKBREAKER! YOW! Michael Cole calmly: “Let’s take another look!” Chavo pounds at the back of Rey and draws some massive heat in the process. Rey gets choked out in the ropes, before getting cradled for 2. Chavo moves into the abdominal stretch, and thumbs at Rey’s eyes, while tinkering with the idea of taking the mask off. On the mat, Chavo puts on a nasty looking single leg crab, but Rey kicks his way out of it. Chavo decides to try a series of covers, but Rey keeps fighting out, and scores a monkey flip style rollup down the back…for a close 2. Chavo’s had enough, and slam Rey with a tilt-a-whirl gutbuster – and gets 2. Rey screams in agony as Chavo starts to pound on the ribs again. Chavo tries to put his crab back on – but Rey uses some momentum to fly off the mat, and bulldogs Chavo in midair for 2. Chavo tries something out of a fireman’s carry, but Rey lands on his feet and hits a spinning heel kick. He follows with a rana that sends Chavo shoulder first into the ringpost. Mysterio follows with a forward Russian legsweep that scores a 2 count. Rey kicks Chavo in the face, and fights onto the apron where Mysterio DDTs him RIGHT into the side, falling to the floor himself. Back in – it scores a VERY close 2. Rey tries to follow with a springboard crossbody, but misses – and gets nailed with a GOURDBUSTER…for 2! Chavo puts Rey on the top rope – climbs, and tries to rip off Rey’s mask. Rey fights him off and hits a picture perfect moonsault for 2 before Chavo puts a foot on the ropes! Chavo hits a reverse crucifix and covers resulting in another 2. Chavo argues with the ref – and takes his second drop toe hold into the ropes, and Rey nails his second 619 of the night! Rey sets, and hits a springboard standing senton – but Chavo rolls right through into the half crab!!!!!! Mysterio is SO close to tapping, but hangs on…hangs on…and makes the ropes!!! Chavo yanks Rey back to the middle of the ring, but the referee orders a break. Rey rolls to the apron, and drives his head into Chavo’s midsection. He heads up to finish – but the referee is so distracted with Jr. that he misses Sr. pushing Rey off the top right into Chavo’s awaiting arms. A rollup with a handful of tights, 1, 2, 3. (17:22) *** Decent match with a god-awful finish. Remember when the Cruiserweight division was the one place you’d be void of Retarded Finishes? I miss WCW.
Mick Foley’s Greatest Hits And Misses: With 50% new footage unable to be found on other DVD releases!
We head to the back where new champion CHAVO GUERRERO JR. hangs around with his daddy JOSE LOTHARIO. JOSH MATTHEWS happens by – and wants some thoughts. He says he just beat the odds, and unlike the person behind Door #1 (Eddie), he’s a winner, not a loser. Chavo brings up Eddie’s drug addiction, just to annoy me.
A tale of the tape reveals that Kurt Angle is apparently a Cruiserweight. Yeesh, if that’s the case, then I guess that I’m Spike Dudley.
KURT ANGLE vs. THE BIG SHOW vs. JOHN CENA (in a non-title match for the #1 contender at Wrestlemania)
“Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! Bay Area make some noise!!! Kurt thinks I hit him with a chair This dude is out of his mind I’m not the guy who’s gonna hit another guy from behind I’m not your right hand Kurt, there’s no way that I could whack you If I got beef, I come right up to yo face and friggin’ smack you You wanna know who knocked you out, here’s a really big clue He’s 500 pounds, he smells like crap, and he’s standing right next to you Let’s throw this whale back in the Bay and have him sleep with the fishes This ain’t a three way dance, this is me serving 2 bitches No Way Out is mah house, check the chain and the lock These people who hang from my words, you two can swing from my…”
Angle locks up with Show – who tosses him aside with ease. Cena smartly stands back while Angle attacks again. Show throws him away, and then slams him on the third charge. Cena laughs it up. “You got punked brah!!!” Cena goes for it, and gets thrown face first into the mat. “You son of a bitch, how does that feel?” KURT!!!! THE LANGUAGE!!!! They go nose to nose, and Kurt throws the first punch. I don’t like Kurt anymore, he’s not PG. Kurt throws Cena over his head belly to belly, but can’t get anything out of a pinfall because Show breaks it up. Angle throws Cena outside, and re-injures the braced knee. Show starts to chop at Angle, but Angle fires back with a series of rights – which is useless against a side slam which scores 2 for Show. Cena’s back and Angle takes a dump. Show throws Cena around for awhile, and gives him a big headbutt. Scoop and a slam, 2 legdrops, and you can count Cena out for awhile. Angle grabs a hold of Show’s leg from the outside, so Show wanders onto the apron and threatens a Choke Slam. Cena goes to break it up – but gets shoved aside. Kurt wraps his arms around Show on the apron, and tries to fuck him like a dog (or German suplex him with plenty of hipthrusts) – but gives up after Cena attacks Show AGAIN and gets shoved away. Kurt lowblows Show, and THAT drops him to the outside. No love for Cena tonight, he’s getting in NOTHING. Speaking of whom – he gets yanked outside by Kurt, and slammed face first into the steps. Back in, Kurt scores a 2. We head to the chops, but Cena comes back with a back elbow, and a spinning belly to back suplex. Show gets to the apron, so Cena quickly re-disposes of him with a baseball slide dropkick to the knees and gets a 2 on the fallen Kurt. That’s enough offence for now – with Kurt hitting the trifecta of Germans for 1 before Show lumbers back in and WHIPS Kurt with authority into the ring post!!!! THAT could not have been comfortable. Show chops at Cena, tosses him to the mat, and stands on the injured knee, just ‘cause he can. Cena tries to come back, and gets stepped on again. This is just too awesome. Big Show should start wrestling against tag-teams because he’s bored with singles. Massive vertical suplex gets a 2. Show whips Cena into the turnbuckle, but misses an avalanche AND gets kicked in the knees on the way by. Another dropkick to the knees floors the big man, and Cena starts pumping it up. Cena goes up and hits a flying elbow which leaves Show staggering – and a missile dropkick from Kurt drops him. Kurt steals the pinfall, and gets 2 before Cena makes the break. Cena dumps Kurt, and goes for the FU!!! He HITS the move, but Kurt’s right there. Olympic Slam is BLOCKED, and Cena hits a DDT!!!!! Cena gets a delayed pinfall on Show, resulting in a 2 before Show puts a foot on the ropes. Cena charges Kurt, who pulls down the top rope and Cena falls outside. From there, Kurt hits an Olympic Slam on Show, and gets 2!!!! Cena sneaks back in to FU Kurt – but it’s turned into an Ankle Lock which doesn’t last, because Show wanders over and Chokeslams Kurt!!! Cena, in the melee, rolls up Show for 2. Show stands and Chokeslams Cena straight to hell, getting 2 before Kurt breaks it up…with an Ankle Lock! MUCH improved from the Rumble, Show actually sells this one like it’s killing him. Kurt holds on for about 30 seconds before Show rolls over and kicks him away. Cena’s back, and gives Kurt a spinebuster, followed by the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. You Can’t See THIS – FU attempted, and Show chops at Cena’s leg, and he buckles. Show launches Cena knee first into the turnbuckle, blocks an attempted German from Kurt, but can’t block an Olympic Slam over the TOP ROPE sending Show tumbling HARD to the outside!!! From there, he sees the injured Cena and slaps on a full leg submission – and gets the easy tapout to earn the Wrestlemania Title shot…and so far, a rematch against Lesnar. (12:17) ***1/4
As far as I’m concerned, you can have you Kurt Angles, Brock Lesnars, and Eddie Guerreros… The best pure worker on Smackdown! today is the Big Show, and YOU know it.
Big Guerrero hype package… Main event is next!
BROCK LESNAR vs. EDDIE GUERRERO (with Lowrider Guerrero) (for the WWE title)
Guerrero blows the friggin’ roof off. I will never, EVER figure out how this happened – but then, some things are perhaps best left unanswered. It’s undeniably cool, and we’ll leave it there. Lesnar runs Guerrero back into the corner, and then shoves him to the mat screaming “YOU AIN’T NOTHIN’”! He should have added “meatball”. Brock pounds away at the back of Eddie, and backdrops him into Oakland. Guerrero quickly runs back across the bridge and into the Cow Palace to take some high knees to the midsection. Guerrero fights back, but is easily knocked back down with a knee to the ribs. Whip to the corner, but a charge is blocked with 2 elevated feet. Guerrero comes off the top with an attempted rana, and gets powerbombed right on his head. RIP Eddie. For kicks, Brock picks him back up in the powerbomb position, spins in a circle and launches him across the ring. Overhead belly to belly puts the first Hispanic on the moon. A second one gives him a clear view of Venus, and at this point you might note that Eddie’s in trouble. Brock hits a running kneelift TO THE JAW. Eddie’s fight won’t die – and he punches away, only to take yet another kneelift and another overhead belly to belly. Guerrero smartly rolls outside the ring. After deciding he’s able to stand, Eddie tries to get back into the ring…and gets knocked right back off the apron. Not once, but THREE TIMES. On the four try, Eddie headbutts Brock in the midsection and gives him a jawbreaker. Eddie tries to drag Brock’s knee to the corner so he can whip it into the ringpost – and with much effort is able to do so. A second attempt works as well – but Brock’s not interested in 3, and uses his leg strength to throw Guerrero shoulder first into the ringpost. Eddie comes back into the ring, and takes a delayed fisherman’s buster right away – showing nothing has changed. It gets 2. Lesnar’s having fun now, and puts on a rear naked choke. Brock holds on – and decides to apply a standing version of it, but Guerrero drops down with a jawbreaker. Brock’s none to pleased, and goes for the gorilla press, but Eddie slides down the back and dropkicks Lesnar’s knee. A second attempt sees Eddie eat a large clothesline. Lesnar drives about 600 knees into Guerrero and gives him a German. Now THIS is Ivan Drago against Rocky. He keeps hammering away with his shoulders, but Eddie won’t stay down. Lesnar goes for his second massive high knee (aiming for the jaw again) – but Eddie ducks this one, and Lesnar bumps HARD to the outside. Sensing opportunity, Eddie immediately hits a plancha while the instant replay is still going. The referee hits 9 – but both guys get back in before a count out. Eddie hits a dropkick to the knee and hits a belly to back suplex! Eddie charges…right into a Stun Gun. Lesnar covers with everything he’s got, but can still only get a 2 off the feisty Eddie. Lesnar reminds Eddie that “YOU AIN’T NOTHIN’”, so Eddie proves he ain’t nothin’ by turning Lesnar around into an STF!!!! The fans actually pop – so MAJOR kudos to the WWE getting the tap out over again. Lesnar won’t give, so Eddie lets go and drives Brock’s knee into the mat. He moves into an attempted Lasso From El Paso (which the fans mistake for the figure four) – but Brock kicks him away. Eddie dropkicks Lesnar in the face, and tries to put it on again, but Lesnar keeps kicking him away. A burst of adrenaline hits Brock – as he screams and throws Guerrero with another belly to back! The fans start a “GOLDBERG” chant, and can go straight to hell for THAT (as much as I like Goldberg). Brock goes for a brainbuster – but it’s countered and Eddie hits a rana, followed by a dropkick to the knees and FIGURE FOUR!!!! Lesnar tries to turn all over the ring, but can’t, and nearly gets counted down when trying to relax from the hold. After much struggle, Lesnar gets to the bottom rope, and Eddie breaks at 4. Lesnar staggers around on his bad wheel, so Eddie kicks it out from under him and puts on the Lasso!!!!! Lesnar’s crawls, so Eddie moves it into the STF again!!!! Brock powers out, and gives Eddie a nasty German. That’s followed by a rough spinebuster for 2, which pisses Brock off so much he gets another 2. Lesnar slaps a full body scissors onto his challenger, and turns it into a rear naked choke. My cat is so excited by this amazing turn of events that she throws up all over the place. Eddie crawls around the ring with Lesnar holding on hard – falls in front of a turnbuckle, and Brock smacks his head into it. Eddie once again tries to ride the wave of momentum, and goes for a crossbody off the top, missing horribly. A closeup of Brock reveals a bloody nose – but doesn’t stop him from delivering another vertical suplex. “DIE EDDIE! JUST DIE!” Sounds like desperation to me… He puts on a gutwrench submission, and squeezes with everything he’s got to the point of Eddie nearly passing out. Lesnar tries to move behind, and hits a gutwrench suplex. Lesnar wraps his arms around Eddie, and starts to roll around with bridges, getting no more than 2 on any of his counts. He holds on his gutwrench, but Eddie fights and fights, getting in a series of headbutts and once again dropkicks Lesnar’s knee!!! Lesnar stands, and takes a rana head on. Brock’s had enough now, and fires Eddie into the corner – but misses an avalanche and gets nailed with the triple vertical suplexes!!! He heads up – the fans stand, and can feel the magic…and Eddie misses the Frog Splash. The place deflates, literally. Boot to the midsection, F5 – but the referee was in the way and takes Guerrero’s feet to the face! Lesnar covers, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, no referee. Brock heads outside, and grabs his belt – clearly tired of these games. Before he can do anything though, a massive pop brings the ONE person Brock does NOT want to see – as he meets a GOLDBERG SPEAR right on!!!!!!!!!!!! He heads to the back and the fans break into an “EDDIE!!!” chant, sensing what’s next. Eddie covers, and the ref counts. 1….2…KICKOUT! Eddie spies the title belt, and grabs it, much to the fans delight. Swing, AND A MISS – and RIGHT into an F5! F5 is COUNTERED WITH A DDT ONTO THE BELT!!!!!! Eddie throws the belt out of the ring, heads up top – and the fans explode!!!! FROGGY SPLASH, 1, 2, 3!!!!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SWEETEST WORDS I HAVE EVER TYPED, EDDIE GUERRERO IS THE WWE CHAMPION!!!! (30:06) ****3/4 I swear to god, barring a Goldberg run in, that match is PERFECT! Eddie grabs HIS belt and finds MAMA GUERRERO and MONDO, with hugs all around. Mama bursts into tears, and Eddie finds the Mexican flag to pass around! Up the apron he goes, slapping hands with everyone he can find. In the ring, Brock cries while Michael Cole sums things up beautifully. “From tonight, Eddie Guerrero will not be referred to as an addict. From here on out, Eddie Guerrero will be referred to as WWE Champion!”
Great recap. Just one point - when Bradshaw 'celebrated' at the end of the APA vs TSPWGTT, I thought he was grabbing his arm in pain, after the Clothesline From Hell, which distracted him and allow Benjamin to take him down, so the arm attack psychology did come into play.
...full of energy. Multi-orgasmic, if you will, in a cosmic sort of way."
I don't know if I'm currently in a weird mood or what, but I liked the column better than this week's OA and Satire. Yep. I also laugh too hard at things like "Gay Kim", so take that for what it's worth.