Sucks about Davey Boy Smith. I guess we all should get on board with Meltzer when he says that there is something horribly wrong with a profession where so many people die of ``heart attacks`` before age 40. Let me now review a show ironically and shitheadedly called ``Jakked``.
- I`m starting to really dig the MAD TV I see before the comical so-called wrestling show starts. The old guy doing stand-up thing was funny. Plus all the incestuous vomiting. AMANDA BEARSE~!
- Chavo looks frickin great. Kidman`s offense was so Indie Cruiserweight 97 crappy and the Junior world has passed him by- but the bumps were big. The Gory Special counter fun and the Not-Nearly-As-Fun-As-A-GoryBomb-But-A-Fun-Little-Variation was neato. Kidman takes it straight into 1998 with the Falcon Arrow and we have a fun little finishers sequence. The Black Cat DDT by Chavo was neato. The You-Can`t-Powerbomb-Me Facebuster is so super-annoying four years later and- as a finisher- is extra-super-annoying. Not annoying enough for me not to like the match. Chavo is fucking fabulous wrestling in the wrestling vacuum.
- Albert vs Hugh Morris was a fun little power match. Albert does an Ode To Steve Williams early with the Oklahoma Stampede and then hits a nice Lariat. Then is got all stiff-choppy. It faulters as Morris hits some shitty punches for the TEN COUNT! Albert does the Greg Valentine sell of the Avalanche and then Morris hits a really nice lardo Toprope Elbow. Then Albert goes for a DIFFERENT Hashimoto-esque Avalanche that misses, but Albert hits the Cowboy Bill Erwin jumpy front kick- EVEN WITH THE MEMORY OF THE DEATH OF DALE TORBORG`S PUSH and subsequent career STILL FRESH IN HIS HEAD! Good match. Odd Main Event.
WHAT DIDN`T WORK-
- Test and Christian against Mark Henry and Farooq was quite the three heaping scoops of shit on a waffle cone. Christian`s punches are a .0000000003 on the Dick Murdock Credible Punches scale, but he did bump well enough to add a few candy sprinkles to this fecal triple dip. Test sucks but not as much as Mark Henry. Farooq is the stiff that channels Luger this week- what with HORRRRIBLE clotheslines and the most business exposing punches since those one`s that Test threw a minute earlier. At least Test threw some nice Lariats in the corner before Hercules Hernandez `02 no-sold them. How did Christian get wrangled into the ring with these three crappy loads?
- The editing of the HHH vs Jericho recap almost gave me an epileptic seizure. Quick edits are so 1989. Go to a film festival and get with the new millenium. The fact that the downward spiral of the WWE is alot like the tracking shot of the car wreck in Jean-Luc Godard`s WEEKEND is completely lost on these guys. Like I`m kidding! IT IS! God!
- They set up MORE of the white hot Godfather vs Farooq angle as Funaki comes out to be beaten to death by Godfather. Jesus Christ, Godfather- you can lay in the kicks a little. It IS fucking national TV and he was in BattlARTS. Your not going to kick him harder than Minoru Tanaka did. Funaki is the Occidental Lee Scott, being small enough to fly really high when being squashed a shitty useless stiff. WOW! That Godfather sure can beat the shit out of those little pussy-assed cruiserweights!! This sucked it until the tonsils get the high-viscosity coating.
- God, the Undertaker vs Hogan recap is great because I know- in my heart of hearts- that I won`t ever actually SEE them wrestle each other. It also reminds me that UT got rid of the long hair and the hat so that his tiny tiny creepy baby teeth come back to the forefront. He looks like he did in the NWA- just like the big lummox who had the midget on his shoulders in MAD MAX: BEYOND TO THUNDERDOME. They should do an angle where UT is powerbombed through a table and has to have brain surgery and he could come back bald, screeching, crosseyed and managed by the Camera Midget who is fucking all the Divas. Can`t you see it! ``All my ladies love my sweet sweet lil feller loving! I AM A SEXUAL DYNAMO! A FIREPLUG OF STEAMING WHITE HOT LOVE ACTION! HERE! LOOK AT THE PICTURES! THAT`S ME AND JACKIE! TELL EM ABOUT IT TAKER!``
Where is the poster that says that the wrestlers are adults who, unless they have blinders to the world, have enough statistical and medical data to make their own decisions on whether or not they want to use performance enhancing drugs?