I heard this show is like the late and beloved WCW Worldwide- a place where the wrestling goes into a Formalist train of thought. Y'know, completely cold and sterile and just an exercise in the true art of professional wrestling without the - for good or bad- extranneous components of the Professional Wrestling. Can you get it done in the ring cold off the floor running. Worldwide was so great because of that. Can JAKKED possibly compare? This will be my first time ever watching this show, so let's together and watch as I come to annoying conclusions that you- the gentle reader- probably came to months ago.
- I learned quite a bit about TV in Richmond on a Saturday Night by not just watching a tape of MST3K and falling asleep at 11:00. "Fawlty Towers" comes on PBS at 10 and that "Red Green" show from CBC comes on afterwards- which is kinda like to "Prairie Home Companion" what Danny White was to Roger Staubach. Mad TV made me laugh a couple times- as that was the first time I ever watched that there show. HEY! And Amanda Bearse from "Married With Children" directed it.
- Billy Kidman takes on Christian. I love how Christian is gonna help Tajiri get over Torie and how it vaguely sounded like an offer to provide the manly velvet loving in the alley. Covert homosexual ennuendo always works especially when it's connected to an angle where a woman strips to her underwear to divert the teenage boys and old stunted cretins from the funny feeling they get seeing oiled up men in tiny pants smacking each other in the chest. "SEE! I'm jacking off to the girl standing on the table in the thong! Not the... goodlookin' young man in the bicycling shorts! SEE! OH TORIE!" Kidman has misterioized himself to unnatural thickness somehow. He still isn't afraid to fly rib first into the guardrail. Christian's punches really suck. His kicks really suck. His offense really sucks. Kidman's punches are passable and his offense is a little zippier in a Kanyon-with-hurricanranas kinda way. The DQ finish because of the UN FOULE sucked cock and was complete shit to continue up the Christian-becomes-very-upset gimmick it seems- as opposed to making any sense in the ENTERTAINMENT! ATTITUDE! concept of the WWE. Kidman takes the bump and carries the match. Kidman's pharmaceutically enhanced bulk makes his lariat look very nice. But is that worth a shiny new replacement hip at age 41? This was an okay little match because of Kidman's willingness to die in every sense of the word.
- The Big Valbowski vs Albert is intriguing. Schneider likes Albert and is always talking about how he is an okay wrestler if you watch METAL and JAKKED and then goes into all the usual rambling shit he goes into so I already hate Albert before the bell rings. Valbowski had a good match with motherfucking useless load Rayo De Jalisco in EMLL once, so he is not without past goodwill with me going in. Albert hits the Butterfly suplex so I instantly fall in love. His selling is lil suspect at one point but he was perfectly fine selling the damage to set up the ending. Valbowski can go and I dug his Elbow Drops. This match was pretty low grade and bland but it was perfectly fine execution of a low grade and bland wrestling match- with the punches and elbow drops having enough ass behind them to make it work for a throwaway match.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
- They showed everything I hates from Smackdown as "highlights". I... I... I... must not... be the... the... target audience.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SWEET GOD! NOOOOO! TAZZ tazzjaculating under the table was funny the second time around though.
- The Godfather hasn't been interesting to me since he stopped being Baron Samedi in NAWA. Farooq hasn't interested me since he stopped busting heads with Butch MOTHERFUCKING Reed in Doom in the NWA. But hey, you gotta watch the matches if you wanna do a real Workrate Report. Farooq's punches really suck. Godfather threw one out of five good elbow drops and threw the WORST KICK I'VE SEEN IN WEEKS. But you know, that kick was like a "Kawada finding his wife in the sack with Kikuchi"-level orbital-socket-crushing kick compared to the horrendous clothesline that the Godfather unfurled upon Farooq, upon the viewers and upon the world. Ed Leslie was sitting at home saying, "Shit, Terry can get me in Titan! Even III could throw a better clothesline that THAT! HAHAHAHAHA!" Then he practiced his "shoot" promo that he will use when he comes in- "I AM THE ZODIAC BROTHER BRUTI BOOTYMAN, BROTHER- AND THE DISCIPLE OF THE WARRIOR, BROTHER! Oh wait, you wanted extra spicy? No, the Louisiana Creole chicken is the mild. The Popeye's Cajun is the extra spicy. It's kinda confusing, I know. Just pull up and I'll bring it out to you in a few minutes. Sorry about that." This sucked. But not really as much as I thought it would. But it did suck.
- Chavo Guerrerro Jr vs Funaki wrestle for three minutes. Funaki used to be in BattlARTS before he started tagging with TAKA Michinoku in Michinoku Pro- thus leading to TAKA giving him the in to become a member of Kaientai Deluxe. BattlARTS was a last vestige of Shootstyle and KDX were best heels in mid to late 90s. Here he wrestles face against a vaguely heel Chavo and does no matwork- so he negate his only two strengths. He does hit one cool looking Mexican Armdrag and Chavo keeps it stiff all the way through and lands a nifty dropkick to the face while Funaki was perched on the toprope. But this was so not even close to being anything that I've seen these two do before that I liked. No dice. Sorry.
Damn, if I knew the Hurricane would be hitting Vertabreakas on Jakked, I would have at least taped it. I just have two questions: did he win the match with it and what did the announcers call it? "Me: Oh, I never watched WCW. Booker: Why not? Me:...