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19.3.24 0206
The W - Guest Columns - WWE Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 2906 days
Last activity: 2774 days
#1 Posted on
Earlier This Month: Austinberg and Bischoff stood around arguing about whatever it is they stand around arguing about. Austinberg also feuded with, Chris Jericho because Jericho spilled coffee on him one time. Also, Triple H’s manly main-event feud with Kevin Nash continued when Nash forgot he was involved in the feud and wandered off, leaving Canada’s favorite wrestler Mick Foley to take his place.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Presenting Saliva with Jeb Lund for the PPV Theme:

BOOTY SHAAAAAAKE!
(you want fries with that?)
BOOTY SHAAAAAAKE!
(you want fries with that?)*

(*Lyrics by Jeb Lund, sorry)

Welcome to Austinberg and Bischoff present WWE RAW presents a Vince McMahon presentation of Matt Hocking presents WWE Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake or possibly WWE Beer Drinkin’ Puppy Lovers

HHH: Here we go. A RAW-only PPV.
RF: Did we ever explain why we were doing these? Woo?
HHH: No, Ric. Explaining things is for losers.
RF: Uh…That’s no good. Shouldn’t we at the very least tried to explain some stuff?
HHH: Ric, do you want me to hit you?
RF: I’m just saying…where are the Smackdown guys? You know?
HHH: I am the Game-uh!
RF: Uh…old ladies…space mountain? Wooo.
HHH: That’s better. I’ve got to go get ready to Do Well in the Cell.

The Dudley Boyz v. Nowinski and Rodney Mack (w/ Facezor and Teddy Long)

Teddy Long calls Facezor “steely”. Nowinski and Rodney Mack have lots in common. They’re both white, for example. And…uh…both are in this match. That’s it though. Bubba tells D-Von to get the tables, and D-Von says that maybe Bubba should get the tables for once. Spike is out and he offers to get the tables so that his brothers don’t have to feud again. Everyone has a good laugh. Then Nowinski rolls up Spike for the win. Hey! That’s not supposed to happen!

Austinberg and Bischoff are playing Candyland.

AB: Hahahahaha! I just speared Queen Frostine! I win!
EB: You what? No you didn’t. You’re nowhere near winning….
AB: Yes, I did. The rule is if you spear Queen Frostine, you win.
EB: You just made up that rule. You can’t make up rules!
AB: Yes, I can. I’m Stoneman Still Austinberg and that’s the Bottom Line, cuz I said so.
EB: I hate the Molasses Swamp.

Bischoff devours the Gumdrop Forest. Mmmm…minty.

Test v. Scott Steiner
For Stacy’s Ass

Wait! Wait! To the tune of “Super Bon Bon” by Soul Coughing, it’s ME! Go to hell, Danny Doring, this is MY theme music! I’m gonna grab them cakes. Wait…crap…should’ve used THAT as my theme. That’s depressing. I wish I would have thought of that.

Test v. Scott Steiner v. Matt Hocking
For Stacy’s Ass

Test boots Steiner. Steiner with a suplex! SUPLEX! Steiner falls over because two suplexes is all his body can take anymore. Test is Canadian, so he lasts for three moves. Then he falls over. I get the pin! I get Stacy! Hahahaha! Screw all of you all! I’m leaving the Satire business and shacking up with my new manager! I’ve got theme music!

Oh, I can’t forget about you. Stacy will still be there when I get back. I’m too sexy to resist.

Booker T v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

This is Houston, so expect Booker to lose. Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks is assigned to the contest. That’s weird. Things get Crazy Go Nuts, when Christian throws Peeps at Goldust and they stick to his paint. Booker wonders how Christian likes being I.C. Champ. Chris is so happy that he’s got the belt that he shows it to Booker’s face! Goldust Sparks calls for the bell! Nobody wins! I love these wacky non-decisions!

It’s that old American favorite the “Barb Wire Sackrace”! Austinberg’s sack gets caught in the barb wire at the starting line. Ouch. That sounds pretty painful. Austinberg decides that it’d be a good idea to try to stunner the barb wire. The intelligence of that decision is somewhat questionable. As a result, Eric gets to the finish line first. It’s tied 1 to 1 with the rubber match to come. It is my hope that no actual rubber is involved. Unless they go into a bouncy cage. That’d be really fun, I think. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!

What? At least Mae Young didn’t show up in a thong. I’m just sayin’.

Rob Van Damand Kane v. La Resistance
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

KN: ….
RVD: Hey, Kane. I don’t particularly like you anymore. Anyone who gets killed off by Inky isn’t the kind of guy who I want to be my tag team partner.
KN: ….
RVD: So, I’m just…uh…going to go over here and job. And then we’ll get on with some singles angles. Okay?
KN: Rob?
RVD: Yeah?
KN: Does this red and black singlet make me look fat?
RVD: Yeah. It’s a few years too late to change that though.
KN: ….

RVD wanders into the ring and jobs! We have a title holder named Rene! What the hell is wrong with this company? Aren’t the French just supposed to surrender? RVD accidently kicks Kane in the face on his way out. Kane no-sells. Even though he was there the whole time, this is the perfect example of a match that needed far more Kane.

Austinberg v. Chris Jericho

Jericho is sad because nobody showed any videos of him making fun of Austinberg in WCW. Silly, Jericho, Austinberg was never in WCW. Well…he WAS…but he wasn’t. You know? Because…Austin…and Goldberg…Oh, shut up. Jericho quickly eats a 10 pound bowling ball, making him weigh more than the cruiserweight limit. Holy crap! Austinberg has to sell! Austinberg has to sell! By Gawd, Austinberg has to sell! The crowd boos! Nobody likes to see Austinberg sell. Not even the guys at WWEShopzone.com (where you can get great WWE..Com merchandise). Austinberg doesn’t care though. Stunner! He wins! Eric Bischoff is out with Steve Blackman!

EB: Hey! Austinberg! It’s time to decide this!
AB: What? I just had a match!
EB: A glass of chicken grease!
AB: Oh crap! I could drink that.

They continue at ringside during the next match.

Ric Flair (w/ Randy Orton) v. Shawn Michaels

Randy Orton is a legend who eclipses everyone else in this match. So much so that Michaels and Flair start copying young Randy’s maneuvers. You know, when I think “Triple Naitch v. Shawn Michaels” I certainly think two guys sitting around the ring waiting for the other ones to fall over. Flair Flop! Flair Flop! Michaels tries the pin! No! Kick out! That was an exciting turn of events. Oh, who am I kidding. This crap sucks. Randy Orton runs in, and Shawn begs off. Flair wins. This was truly a match featuring guys who rarely wrestle anymore.

Still going….

AB: Ok…this bottle of ocean water.
EB: I could drink that…I guess…Ok…Now, you drink this pint of paint.
AB: I do that all day, anyway! I love paint! Now you drink this!

Mae Young comes out in a thong. I’m sorry, but everybody needs a little Mae Young in a thong in their life.

EB: No problem. Come on, baby.
SB: This segment sucks, I’m gone.

Austinberg gets sick and leaves.

Austinberg loses? Wait. That’s not supposed to happen. Uh…New event: Don’t fall over! Then Bischoff forgets what he’s doing and falls over. Austinberg wins! I guess!

Kevin Nash v. Triple H
Hell in a Cell for the WWE World Title with Mick Foley as the Special Guest Referee

Foley takes a bump off the top of the cage to start. Nash and HHH start punching each other. They punch each other some more. Here’s some punching. Then there’s some punching. This sure is fun. Wait. No it’s not. You know what would be more fun? A squirt gun fight between Natalie Portman and Stacy in white T-Shirts. I’m just saying. Maybe I could hook that up some time. Maybe not. HHH uses his god-like powers to make Nash job. Foley counts the 3 count! Foley can count! *****! ~!!

Tomorrow Night: Foley continues his comeback by sitting around backstage talking to his potted plant. HHH wins a match. Promise. Austinberg Stunners Mick’s plant saddening the whole world.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 16.6.03 0202)

Feh.
Promote this thread!
Big Bad
Scrapple








Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario

Since last post: 1917 days
Last activity: 1486 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.54
Oh my God this was funny. Excalibur, you are truly the man.



Over 1400 posts and still never a Wiener of the Day!





Well you're in your little room
and you're working on something good
but if it's really good
you're gonna need a bigger room
and when you're in the bigger room
you might not know what to do
you might have to think of
how you got started in your little room
da da da


---"Little Room," by the White Stripes
emma
Cherries > Peaches








Since: 1.8.02
From: Phoenix-ish

Since last post: 436 days
Last activity: 157 days
#3 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    It’s that old American favorite the “Barb Wire Sackrace”! Austinberg’s sack gets caught in the barb wire at the starting line. Ouch. That sounds pretty painful. Austinberg decides that it’d be a good idea to try to stunner the barb wire. The intelligence of that decision is somewhat questionable. As a result, Eric gets to the finish line first. It’s tied 1 to 1 with the rubber match to come. It is my hope that no actual rubber is involved. Unless they go into a bouncy cage. That’d be really fun, I think. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!
You may have left Stacy at home to attend to us, but we can tell you're still thinking about her!
tomvejada
Andouille








Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 7508 days
Last activity: 7508 days
#4 Posted on
Your version of the Redneck Triatalon is funnier than the actual one last night.

Well done.



"Oh my God, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits! It says, 'Oooooo!'" Peter Griffin
"Peter, those are Cheerios." Brian
SchippeWreck
Banger








Since: 26.3.03
From: Glendale, CA

Since last post: 2097 days
Last activity: 167 days
#5 Posted on
As someone who requested this particular satire, I thank you very much.



    Wait! Wait! To the tune of “Super Bon Bon” by Soul Coughing, it’s ME! Go to hell, Danny Doring, this is MY theme music! I’m gonna grab them cakes. Wait…crap…should’ve used THAT as my theme. That’s depressing. I wish I would have thought of that.
    Test v. Scott Steiner v. Matt Hocking
    For Stacy’s Ass
    Test boots Steiner. Steiner with a suplex! SUPLEX! Steiner falls over because two suplexes is all his body can take anymore. Test is Canadian, so he lasts for three moves. Then he falls over. I get the pin! I get Stacy! Hahahaha! Screw all of you all! I’m leaving the Satire business and shacking up with my new manager! I’ve got theme music!


Continuity rules!

Well done as always...made my Monday morning.



uberlou
Merguez








Since: 26.3.03
From: Glendale, Cali

Since last post: 5052 days
Last activity: 4823 days
#6 Posted on

    Originally posted by Excalibur05

    HHH: Here we go. A RAW-only PPV.
    RF: Did we ever explain why we were doing these? Woo?
    HHH: No, Ric. Explaining things is for losers.
    RF: Uh…That’s no good. Shouldn’t we at the very least tried to explain some stuff?
    HHH: Ric, do you want me to hit you?
    RF: I’m just saying…where are the Smackdown guys? You know?
    HHH: I am the Game-uh!
    RF: Uh…old ladies…space mountain? Wooo.
    HHH: That’s better. I’ve got to go get ready to Do Well in the Cell.




    AB: Hahahahaha! I just speared Queen Frostine! I win!
    EB: You what? No you didn’t. You’re nowhere near winning….
    AB: Yes, I did. The rule is if you spear Queen Frostine, you win.
    EB: You just made up that rule. You can’t make up rules!
    AB: Yes, I can. I’m Stoneman Still Austinberg and that’s the Bottom Line, cuz I said so.
    EB: I hate the Molasses Swamp.




    KN: ….
    RVD: Hey, Kane. I don’t particularly like you anymore. Anyone who gets killed off by Inky isn’t the kind of guy who I want to be my tag team partner.
    KN: ….
    RVD: So, I’m just…uh…going to go over here and job. And then we’ll get on with some singles angles. Okay?
    KN: Rob?
    RVD: Yeah?
    KN: Does this red and black singlet make me look fat?
    RVD: Yeah. It’s a few years too late to change that though.
    KN: ….




Nothing beats the banter in your satires. greatness.

The whole redneck triathalon ruled too. Hell, this was probably the BEST.PPV RECAP.EVER. or at least best satire of a PPV recap...



Big Bad
Scrapple








Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario

Since last post: 1917 days
Last activity: 1486 days
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.54
Speaking of satirical PPV recaps, who was that guy that used to write for Slash a couple of years ago? All I can recall is that he had HHH use a giant H as his foreign object of choice, among other ridiculous stuff like this. That was almost Excalibur-level funny.



Over 1400 posts and still never a Wiener of the Day!





Well you're in your little room
and you're working on something good
but if it's really good
you're gonna need a bigger room
and when you're in the bigger room
you might not know what to do
you might have to think of
how you got started in your little room
da da da


---"Little Room," by the White Stripes
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Quite frankly I found that to be really damn funny... I especially liked Vince and Ventura commentary for the Cocoa Beware match.
- Net Hack Slasher, Inside The Ropes - MacMahon-Mania!!! (2004)
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