The following recaps are done and will posted in the following weeks: WWE Judgment Day 2005, WWF In Your House IV, WWF Backlash 1999, and WWF Wrestlemania X-7. You can also expect another ROH post, and a response to the mutants from the ROH message board.
The chants of “One More Match” may haunt me forever...
We are sold out in Manchester, New Hampshire and LIVE as LIVE can be! No big pyro display? JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER grunt from the American table, while HUGO SAVINOVICH and CARLOS CABRERA call it from the SAT.
CHRIS JERICHO vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN (for the WWE intercontinental title)
One guess who’s playing heel tonight. This is a rematch from Taboo Tuesday, which garnered ***. Jericho takes Shelton down with a waistlock, but Benjamin reverses. They trade some mat holds, and Jericho nearly scores an early pinfall. Benjamin retorts with a backslide for 2. A hiptoss is moved into an armbar, a move Jericho is very familiar with! Jericho comes back by trying to take down Benjamin, but he nips up repeatedly, and puts Jericho in another armbar. Jericho again tries to take down Benjamin, but another nip up pisses off Jericho so much he bitch slaps Shelton. Benjamin does NOT take kindly to that - and it’s on! The two slug it out, and Jericho winds up chopping away on the ropes. They fight over a suplex that never comes, and Jericho winds up on the apron. Shelton flips over and tries a sunset flip to the floor - but Jericho blocks with a rana!!! Chris starts ripping apart the security wall, and then gives Benjamin a snake eyes onto the exposed portion. Back in, Jericho nails a vertical suplex, and the “COME ON BAY-BAY” cover gets 2! We move into a chinlock, from which Benjamin escapes. Shelton nails a flying jalapeno, but it’s Jericho that gets up first, and he hits a baseball slide dropkick. Benjamin comes back with a whip to the turnbuckle, followed with the Stinger Splash and a backdrop suplex! Jericho fires right back with a running bulldog, but his attempt to follow with the Lionsault sees him dumped to the apron by a quick moving Benjamin. The pair fight to the top rope, and Jericho shoves Shelton away. Then in a simply amazing sequence, Benjamin BOUNCES back up to the top rope in one jump, and gives Jericho a superplex in one smooth move! It gets 2. A pancake gets 2. Benjamin locks Jericho in a rear naked choke, which Chris fights like mad. He escapes, and they both get the idea to clothesline one another at the same time - resulting in a double KO. They both stand at 8, and Shelton goes for the Stinger Splash! It misses, and Jericho quickly comes in with a flying jalapeno and he dances on Shelton’s back! “COME ON ASSCLOWN!” Jericho gives Benjamin a drop toe hold on the ropes, but Shelton pops back up and hits a Samoan drop for 2!!! Jericho hits a running enzuigiri for 2! Getting frustrated, Jericho tries to dump Shelton, but he turns his back and fails to notice Benjamin didn’t hit the floor. Instead, he comes back in with a springboard bulldog for 2!!! Jericho tries an Oklahoma roll and gets 2! Now he goes for the Walls, but can’t turn it - so he goes for a catapult instead! Benjamin lands on the turnbuckle, springs off, and hits the Exploder...but Jericho’s foot is on the ropes at 2!!! Benjamin pulls Jericho to the middle, but gets another 2. A second Exploder attempt is blocked, and this time he gets the Walls Of Jericho applied in the middle of the ring! Some hard fighting sees Shelton make the ropes - which serves to piss off Jericho to no end. A “where the hell did that come from” kick gets 2 from Benjamin! Shelton goes for a dropkick, misses, and gets caught immediately in the Walls, but manages to roll through. The sunset flip scores the pin for Shelton to retain at 14:31! ***3/4 Benjamin impresses more and more every time out! Lawler rightly calls this an unbelievable match.
TODD GRISHAM wants a comment from Chris Jericho, but he’s not giving anyone anything.
THE COACH stands with EDGE. Edge says this feud is hot as hell, because Benoit’s frustrated with the fact a year ago he was champ, at Mania he nearly won a title shot, and now he’s regularly getting his ass kicked by Edge.
THE HEART THROBS vs. STEVEN REGAL and TAJIRI (in tag-team turmoil)
I hate tag-team turmoil. There’s nothing worse than a series of 2 minute matches to determine titles we’re *supposed* to be taking seriously. Regal starts with Romeo, and is quickly taken down in a headlock. Regal rolls back for 1. Regal hiptosses Romeo, so he tags out and brings in Antonio. Lawler says, according to Coach, these guys are total ladies men when they go out. Tajiri starts kicking away at Antonio, and rolls back into an in ring Tarantula. A standing moonsault gets 2! Antonio comes back with a suplex for 2. A double team clothesline gets 2. The Heart Throbs drop an elbow for 2. Tajiri tries to make a tag, but Antonio keeps the ring cut off. Tajiri gets in a sunset flip for the 3 at 3:10.
STEVEN REGAL and TAJIRI vs. THE MAVEN and SIMON DEAN (in tag-team turmoil)
Regal is immediately dumped by the Health Club, and Tajiri meets an elbow from Dean for 2. A double team hiptoss gets 2, but only after Maven does some pushups first. Simon walks on Tajiri’s face, and applies a front facelock. JR starts giving everyone nightmares by talking about HIMSELF in a speedo. Regal distracts Dean long enough for Tajiri to deliver a kick and make the hot tag. Both guys take backdrops, and a running knee on Dean gets 3 at 5:53 total.
STEVEN REGAL and TAJIRI vs. LA RESISTANCE V3.0 (in tag-team turmoil)
La Resistance goes straight for Regal, because Tajiri’s still beat up. Tajiri still manages to get in a handspring elbow on both guys, and the champs deliver a double team kick to Grenier. A forearm from Regal gets 2. Tajiri kicks away some more, and drops a leg for 2. Conway tags in and works over Regal, getting 2. Regal comes back, and locks on the Regal Stretch. Grenier breaks that up, but winds up in a Tarantula. Meanwhile, Regal gets rolled up with a handful of tights at 9:16, guaranteeing new champions for sure.
LA RESISTANCE V3.0 vs. ROSEY and THE HURRICANE (for the world tag-team titles)
Hurricane bounces in with a top rope crossbody for 2. A blockbuster gets 2! Grenier dumps Hurricane to the outside, and he takes a NASTY bump. Conway drops an elbow off the apron, and rolls him back in, where Grenier covers for 2. A forearm shot gets 2. Grenier works a headlock, and actually hits a decent looking backdrop suplex for 2. He’s learned a move! Hurricane takes a scoop slam, but rolls out of the way of an elbow drop. We get tags on both ends. Rosey kills everything in sight, but misses an avalanche on Conway. Conway leaps ... right into Rosey’s arms, and a slam gets 2! Las Resistance takes out Hurricane, and levels Rosey with Au Revoir for 2! Rosey shoves both guys away, tags in Hurricane, and he bounces off the shoulders of Rosey off the top, delivering a super splash for the pin and the titles at 13:43. *1/2 for the whole mess. JR: “Holy upset!” I’d say so.
EDGE (with money in the bank) vs. CHRIS BENOIT (in a last man standing match)
Benoit immediately jumps on Mr. Money In The Bank and pounds the crap out of him. “YOU SCREWED MATT! YOU SCREWED MATT!” Benoit drives his knee into Edge’s head, and suplexes him out of his boots. Here come the chops! Edge makes sickly faces from the hurtin’, and whips Benoit chest first into the turnbuckle. “WE WANT MATT! WE WANT MATT!” Edge drops a knee, and kicks at Benoit’s midsection. A scoop slam sets up the spear - but it misses and Edge takes a drop toe hold. Running forearm levels Edge, and Benoit goes for a Crossface. Edge pulls himself towards the safety of the outside, but he can’t quite roll out, and Benoit starts throwing his knee in Edge’s face. Edge finally gets outside, and meets a baseball slide dropkick. Benoit gets whipped to the security wall, but Edge’s blind charge sees him dumped into the crowd. Chris follows, and they fight into the sea of fans. Hebner quickly ushers them back to ringside, and they re-enter the ring. The fans once again request the presence of Matt Hardy as Benoit applies a Sharpshooter. Edge taps out - but it doesn’t count. Benoit eventually releases, and throws no less than FIVE rolling Germans, the last one being a release that sends Edge to the floor. Edge is down, but gets up at 7. As he re-enters the ring, Benoit knocks him right back down. This time Hebner gets to a 9 count before Edge staggers up. Benoit goes for the kill with tope suicida...but Edge blocks with a trashcan shot to the head!!!!! Insane! Benoit gets up at 8, so Edge quickly knocks him back down with a trashcan lid to the face! This only gets us to 6, so Edge rolls him back in. They head to the top rope, where Edge gives Benoit a superplex through a trashcan back in the ring! That draws a “HOLY SHIT” from the crowd, but neither guy stays down past an eight count. Edge hits a running knee, then starts whipping Benoit in the stomach with a trashcan lid! OW! Edge goes to get himself a ladder, and sets it up towards the corner. Benoit starts chopping away at Edge, but Edge quickly pounds him down and slams him. Edge heads up the ladder, but Benoit follows right behind and gives Edge a GERMAN SUPLEX OFF THE TOP! Both guys slowly stand - and Benoit throws another suplex in for kicks. Now Chris heads up the ladder...but MISSES a flying headbutt off the top! Edge channels the Horsemen spirit, and grabs the Haliburton. Benoit ducks the swing (he’s familiar with this move) - and puts on a Crossface!!! Edge taps out a second time. Benoit only releases when he believes that Edge has passed out. Both guys stand at 8. Benoit starts with the Germans again, but this time Edge reverses on the third one and turns it into an Impaler ON the briefcase!!! The referee counts to 9, Benoit stands, and gets IMMEDIATELY speared!!! Once again Chris is able to beat the count, and gets up at 9. Edge hits a second spear when Benoit stands, but Benoit will NOT stay down. Edge freaks out, and grabs a brick from his briefcase. It’s slammed over Benoit’s head, and just to prove it’s real Edge throws it on the ringsteps on which it clangs!!! That’s enough to kill Chris dead, and give Edge the win at 18:48. **** Benoit sold like a million bucks, as usual. Edge happily leaves with his contract, and Benoit gets a nice standing ovation from the crowd.
LITA watches on from backstage with KANE. Lita thinks the idea of Trish having to seal the deal with Viscera is funny as hell - which completely grosses Kane out while she goes into wild dissections of it. And they make out, which completely is disturbing in its own right.
JERRY LAWLER enters the ring to promote Viva Las Divas, while we’ve shelled out $35 to watch this. He invites DIVAS to the ring, and wants to ask them each some personal questions. For once, I’m RELIEVED to see CHRIS MASTERS interrupt. The girls quickly scamper. “Those divas are hot alright, but they’re no work of art like the masterpiece.” Masters ups his price to $3000 for anyone who thinks they can break the Masterlock. This leads to a muscular looking woman accepting named MELISSA COATES, and getting killed as usual. Let’s move on.
BIG VIS lurks outside TRISH STRATUS’ locker room - and our favorite blonde emerges shortly thereafter. Trish is a tad surprised to find the big guy, but asks him if he’s ready. “I’m gonna destroy Kane just for you. And when it’s done, it’s gonna be on like a steamy pot of neckbones.” “Neck...neckbones?” “It’s a black thing, you’ll find out soon enough.” He reveals a nighty for Trish, and announces he’s found a place that specializes in his two favorite things: Bed and breakfast. Trish demands he take care of business, and until then there ain’t no business to take care of. He agrees, and grabs himself a handful of ass. “Oh man, it’s on tonight... It’s on.”
KANE (with Lita) vs. VISCERA (with Trish Stratus) (for lots of sex)
Lawler figures the video of Vis and Trish could blow “One Night In Paris” out of the water. Vis clotheslines Kane, but misses an avalanche. Kane hits one of his own, and kicks Viscera to the floor. Kane heads to the top turnbuckle, and flies to the outside with a clothesline! “WE WANT MATT!” Back in, Kane drops a pair of elbows, and follows with a legdrop for 2. “LITA SUCKS!” Vis comes out of nowhere with a spinning heel kick, and starts thrusting his hips in Trish’s direction to a big pop! An elbow misses, allowing Kane a chance to stand. Kane yanks in Trish by the hair for some reason, but Viscera hits an avalanche and slam for 2! Sidewalk slam gets 2! Kane comes right back with a jumping DDT, and heads to the top rope again. He hits his second flying clothesline, and goes for the chokeslam. Vis knocks Kane away, and clotheslines him to the outside. Lita begs for mercy on her husband, but Vis shoves her away. He charges...face first into the ringpost! Kane adds a second posting for good measure, so Trish heads over with a chair. Lita stops the attack by smacking Trish in the face with her crutch. Both guys head in, where Viscera connects with the Derailer...for 2!!! Lita finds herself yanked in by Viscera, who tries to shove his tongue down hr throat. Kane does NOT respond well, and boots Vis in the face! Chokeslam finishes at 6:09. 1/2* Viscera is one of those guilty pleasures for me...but not too guilty. Trish flips out after the match, telling him she’d never resort to sleeping with a fat, greasy, chicken eating loser like him. “I’m gonna get me a real man, and he’s gonna get a lot of lovin’...” Viscera responds by shaking her like he’s a British Nanny, gives her a big splash, and thrusts his hips at her once again. Good times!
MUHAMMED HASSAN and SHAWN “KHOSROW” DAIVARI vs. SHAWN MICHAELS and HULK HOGAN
Hogan’s pop damn near blows the roof off the building ... which turns to “USA” chants before too long. Hassan and Hogan start, with Hassan getting shoved back to the corner. Hassan is ordered to kiss Hogan’s ass, and is hit with a clothesline seconds later. Hassan finally gets his hands on Hogan, and shoves him back to the corner. Daivari comes in, and they work double team tactics...only to get nailed with a double team clothesline. Daivari leaves, and Hassan takes another. Michaels kicks Hassan in the face, Hogan pokes him in the eyes, and they hit a double big boot! Shawn comes in officially, and starts chopping away. An elbow drop misses, allowing Daivari in - and now he chops away on Michaels. That’s quickly reversed, and Daivari gets hit with a backdrop. Hogan tags back in, and dumps Daivari to the outside. He’s tossed into the ringpost, slapped with a right hand, and tossed back in. Hogan chokes at him, and when the referee demands he stop, Hogan threatens to punch HIM out! Role model for millions...yessir. Back to Michaels. He and Daivari trade chops, which Michaels wins easily. Shawn connects with the flying jalapeno, and nips right up without any problems. Upstairs ... and Michaels hits the flying elbow! The band is warmed up, but Hassan sneaks in and clubs Michaels in the back with a club while the referee is busy with Hogan’s ego. Daivari goes for the pin on Shawn, but Hogan yanks him right off for even thinking about it. JR is screaming about the fact this can’t happen to the dream team, while Hassan whips Michaels back first to the buckle. Double sledge from Daivari, and another whip to the buckle. Michaels tries to fight back, but is taken right back down. Hogan distracts the referee while Daivari goes to the pin, so we get no count. Hassan pounds on Shawn’s back, but gets caught in a sleeper from HBK! Hassan counters with a backbreaker, and puts on the camel clutch - a move all foreigners learn early on in their careers. Michaels fades...but with a little help from the crowd he stands, and executes an electric chair drop! We get tags on both ends - and the fans explode once again with the arrival of Hogan in the ring. The evil Arabs eat a double noggin’ knocker, and Hassan falls out of the ring. Big boot for Daivari! Lawler senses a legdrop, but his senses be wrong, because Hassan clubs Hogan in the back with the club this time to cover up the fact Hogan can’t actually DO the legdrop anymore. Daivari gets 2 before Hogan kicks out with power! Hogan has a seizure which the announcers translate to “Hulking Up”, and Daivari takes a second leg drop! Hassan trips up Hogan again on the legdrop attempt, but Hogan decks him. Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music, and Hogan steals the pin at 15:14. *1/2 America triumphs evil again! Team American Resurrection poses for 15 minutes, as Shawn learns the art of milking applause for all its worth.
ECW One Night Stand promo
TODD GRISHAM finds TRIPLE H, and asks about his confidence. Triple H knows he’s leaving with the title, because the minute he hits the Pedigree it’s over. Batista had a great night at Mania, but Hunter says he has great nights all the time, and will leave with his 11th title.
CAPTAIN CHARISMA and TYSON TOMKO make an “unscheduled appearance”. Christian says all he’s been hearing for the past week is about Backlash...or at least the Backlash that would take place if he didn’t appear on the show. However, this may be the last time he’s on a RAW PPV (which actually gets a mixed reaction) - because we have a draft coming up. And since he’s a main eventer, he plans on addressing his fellow main eventers in the form of a rap:
“On RAW, you’ve got Batista, with muscles to spare But he’s got charisma like Tomko’s got hair You’ve got Triple H and Ric Flair, their legend still grows 26 titles between them, and the world’s biggest nose Have you heard the one about JBL? You know, the rich guy on Smackdown! Well I hear his taxes are still soaring, but he’s no wrestling god, just a god of boring
Who am I forgetting... Oh yeah, the guy who inspired this little rap... The WWE champion John Cena! Well I got a little something for him. You wanna hear it? I said, do you wanna hear it? Well it goes a little something like this:
Hey Cena, you think I’m jealous of your fortune and fame Well you talk like Snoop Dog, but you look like Corey Haim
So after the draft, whether it’s RAW or Smackdown!, JR or Michael Cole I will be champion because that’s how I roll!”
RIC FLAIR arrives! And just in time to make the ring introductions for Triple H...
TRIPLE H (with Ric Flair) vs. BATISTA (for the world heavyweight title)
The belt doesn’t feel right around Batista for some reason. It just looks out of place. Flair causes an early distraction off the bell - allowing Hunter to blindside Batista. He goes straight for the Pedigree, but Batista escapes that with ease. Triple H tries again, but this time it’s reversed into an attempt at the Demon Bomb - and Hunter scurries away. Batista backdrops Triple H, and hammers away in the corner. Triple H recovers and makes another Pedigree attempt, but gets backdropped all the way to the floor! Batista follows, but walks right into a spinebuster into the wall! Dave is tossed into the crowd, and suplexed back to ringside! Back in, Hunter works over Batista’s back. An avalanche is attempted, but Batista throws an elbow, and goes for the Demon Bomb. The back is too messed up to hit the move though - and Triple H is all over that! Shoulders are driven into Batista’s back, and a whip sends him straight into the other turnbuckle. Batista rolls out, where Flair quickly drives him back first into the ring apron, and delivers a few chops for kicks. Back in, Triple H snaps off a spinebuster for 2! Batista explodes out of the corner with a clothesline, and follows with a side slam! Triple H freaks, but gets dumped to the floor during his rage. He’s whipped into the steps, and they head back in. Batista drives his shoulder into Hunter’s midsection, before delivering a powerslam. He calls on the power of his Little Warriors - gives Triple H the thumbs down, but Flair slips the World Title to him ... and a belt shot to Batista’s face gets 2!!! Triple H goes for another Pedigree, but he’s backdropped once again! Batista glares at Triple H, and screams “YOU SON OF A BITCH” - but a blind clothesline misses! The referee is knocked out cold by Batista’s shot, and it’s only NOW that Triple H can hit the Pedigree. It’s to no avail, because he’s gone. Another referee comes down after about a minute, but Batista’s recovered and hits a spinebuster for 2!! Triple H comes back with a face buster that causes Batista to fall like a mighty redwood...but it only gets 2! Another Pedigree attempt is blocked with a whip, and Batista hits a series of corner clotheslines. Triple H’s response is to go low on the referee for some reason. Flair gets involved again - causing Triple H distraction for ANOTHER Pedigree, but it’s countered with a catapult. Demon Bomb is countered with a low blow! 10 punch count-a-long is turned into a running Demon Bomb out of the corner, and the referee wakes up to count, and Batista retains at 16:25. **1/4 That was boring as sin, especially in contrast to their WM match. Triple H loses it after the match, decks Flair, Pedigrees the referee, and goes on a path of roid rage as the show goes off the air.
Thread ahead: Best Raw Satire Ever! EVER!!! Next thread: Inside The Ropes - Special Collectors Edition!!! Previous thread: This Satire (5/30/05) Features Scenes of Hot Litigation Action, Reader Discretion Advised
Kim - I thought this piece was brilliant. You have a terrific way with words that brings your emotion right out onto the page. One question though - I have always heard it Jesus H. Christ up here in Maine. Regional differences?