OMG I'm back with more Hot Newz! and the big newz is that Wrestlemania XXIIIIV (21) is just around teh corner! And as usual just before WrestleMania there are lots of outlandeous rumors going about, but I'm here to tell you which are true and which are falsehoods! And one of the big rumors is that Bret Hart will finally return to the WWE after ten yars in exile because he'll be appearing at RVD's comic book store on that day! Brett will be signing pairs of Hitman shades that he gave out to children sitting in the front row at WWF shows in the nineties and of course the children are all grown up now so after they get them signed they can go out back and get high with RVD (he has a ladder you can climb up and look for the police. And if you don't see them, you can then smoke pot!) Will Bret show up at teh Wrestlemania afterwards? Or will he just get high with RVD and bitch about Montreal to him until RVD gives him a van daminator in anger? Read my EXCLUSIVE, EXQUISITE Wrestlemania spoilers that you don't want to miss to find out!!!!!
But first some newz: Christy's version of the Twist Of fAte has officially been named the CHRIST (pronounced like Christy without the "y", not like the name of our Lord And Saviour (no, not Benoit, Jesus! The son of the God (not Benoit's son, the son of the ACTUAL one God), not Carlito's friend!!)) Of Fate! Quite witty! Now, back to the WrestleMania spoilers that you don't want to miss!
After some more newz! Some guy called Dan Mafia or something quit wrestling forever or for a while or something when he fell out with some other guy in some promotion somewhere. Or something!
Slyvester Stallone has been paid half a million dollars to admit Hulk Hogan into the hall of fame! Everyone else is just being paid in the form of a free meal at the Hall of fame dinner!
William Regal has written his autobiography (foreword by Eugene!) but it'll only be available in England beause nobody else will be able to understand the strange, garbled, bastardised version of American English he writes in! Bloody hell chaps that's not cricket, bangers and mash lol!
Victoria is hott!
Now it's back to the WrestleMania spoilers that don't want to miss...after a special WrestleMania feeture for my peepz (not Christian's, although they're welcome too!) WrestleMania is the biggest wrestler show of the year every year but that doesnt mean that WrestleMania is always great, sometimes it sucks! However, sometimes WrestleMania also ROOLZ so let's not dwell in negativity for ever people!!!!!! I will now look at many of the WrestleMania highs and lows over da years!!!!
WM HIGH: Vince McMahon gets the idea to put on WrestleMania in a dream where all his wrestlers are singing "there's going to be Mania, WrestleMania!" to him! And that Royal Rumble commercial was actually based on this true story! Then right away Vince phoned up the head of MTV and said "Pal I want to put on a show with rock AND wrestling can we do it?" and the head of MTV said "Umm, it's 3:30 am, Vince..." and Vince said "DAMN IT PAL, CAN WE DO IT?" and the head of MTV said "Uhh, sure..." and Vince said "YES!" then turned to Linda in bed and said "We're gonna do it, we're gonna put on WrestleMania, baby!" and Linda said "It's 3:32 (it was two minutes later) in the morning!" and Vince was so excited he danced all around the room. And the head of MTV agreed to let stars like Cyndi Lopper and her then husband "Captain" Super Loud Albano appear at WM as well as Liberca, Muhammed Ali (no relation to Muhammed Hassan!) and Phil Collins! ANd WM1 is STILL the highest grossing WrestleMania ever when you adjust for inflation!
WM LOW: Plans were to book Hulk Hogan versus Andre the Giant in a face versus face steel cage match at WM2 and surely it would have been the biggest match ever BUT a few weeks before the event Vince remembered that Hogan is a face and Andre is also a face! And since they never did face versus face matches in the eighties he brings in King Kong Bundy as an EVIL bald-and-not-as-tall Andre clone...and the match sucks! And also the event took place in three different arenas all over the country which was stupid because it meant the fans in attendance had to drive for hundreds of miles between matches!
WM HIGH: Vince wants to do Hogan/Andre for shizzle this year but he doesn't know how to since their both faces and he stays up many a sleepless night trying to figure it out but nothing comes until one night Linda says "OH FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST TURN ANDRE HEEL!" and Vince realised he had married a genius! And the match itself took place in some big Silver Arena with 120,000 fans in attendance (WWF lied and said there was only 93,000 fans there becuase 120,000 would have been a fire code violation!) Right before the match Andre the Giant's doctor told him NOT to let Hogan bodyslam him because if he did Andre could DIE right there in the ring on impact! But Andre ignored the doctor becuase he knew he had to get Hogan over so he let the Hulkstre press him up high above his head for ten seconds then Hogan slammed him down hard and hit the big leg, brother, and won the match and Andre didn't die so everyone was happy. Then Andre died the next day. But the important thing is that he got the Hulkster over hyooge!
WM LOW: Roddy Piper paints his body half white, half black, the most racist act to occur on American soil in over 100 years. He should have been deported back to England for that one!
WM HIGH: Vince wants to do Hulk Hogan versus The Ultimate Warrior at teh Wreestlemania 6 but he's worried because you can't do face versus face matches in the eighties! But then Linda reminded him that it was the nineties now and Vince made love to her in gratitude and made the match! And it was the greatest match either man ever had because Patt Patterson was hiding under the ring telling them each move to do next!
WM LOW: Bret Hart and Ric Flair both blade at WM8 against orders, encouraging children in playgrounds all across the county to blade themselves in hero worship.
WM HIGH: WM10 has two five star matches: Bret Hart versus the late Owen Hart and teh first evar ladder match in wrestling history between Shawn Michaels and the late Razor Ramon! And this is the most five star matches on one show ever! (In America, in Japan there's usally six or seven five star matches per show OR YOUR MONEY BACK!)
WM LOW: Vince wants to book OJ Simpson to face Bam Bam Bigelow at WM11 but then OJ was WRONGLY arrested for murdering his wife (if the gloves fits you must quit hassling him! Or something.) and Vince had to go with Plan B: some other football player!
WM HIGH: Bret Hart and Shawn Mci9heals prove that you CAN have a one hour match and even though it sucked and was the most boring thing ever, at least they proved you can have it and we got better one hour matches later because of it like Rock/HHH and Benoit/Angle (on a house show I went to so you probably never saw it.)
WM LOW: Sid craps his pants live on ppv in his match with the Undertaker when Taker does his rope-walk at WM13 and is fired shortly afterwards. They should have fired Undertaker for scaring Sid into crapping himself with his scary agility!
WM HIGH: Shawn Michales puts over old Stone Cold 3:16 clean at WM14 and teh Attitude era is born! Before the match Shawn was whining about how he doesnt want to job but Undertaker who was taping up his fists with tape at the time heard him and said Shawn damn skippy better job! And Shawn said what are you going to do if I don't and Undertaker raised his taped fists and said he'll tie Shawn up with the tape and let the fat rings rats (female AND male!) have their way with the Sexy Boy! And Shawn gulped and did the J-O-B on the P-P-V!
WM LOW: Edge and Christian and Gangrel hang the Big Bossman from the top of the hell the cell while Micheal Cole shills about WWF being on the home shopping channel after the show! Especially in poor taste when you consider that Bossman died just five years later (but not from being hung...although he was well hung I'm sure, just ask Big Show's mom lol may he rest in peace!)
WM HIGH: GIMMICK BATTLE ROYAL HEENAN CALLS MEAN GENE "TONY" LOL~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!
WM LOW: HHH squashes jericho in three minutes to end his main event status FOREVER because he's jealous because Stephanie told him Jericho is a better kisser than HHH is probably and Lucy the Dog was never even mentioned again!
WM HIGH: Wrestlemania XX sees Trish Stratus set new standards for wank-worthy wrestling moments when she turns heel, only to be beaten by Benoit a few hours later when he makes HHH tap out!!!!!!!1
Can WrestleMania 22 live up to all that? Lets find out becuse now it's time for my exclusive WrestleManai spoilers that you don't want to miss...after some WrestelMania sign ideas!
Edge Climbed The Ladder To Lita's Bedroom!
Cena Just Won The WWE Title With A Fistdrop. A FUCKING FISTDROP!
WrestleMania: The Showcase of the IMMORAL
Undertaker: 13 WM Matches...And Not One Above **
It's Not WrestleMania Without Tito Santana!
It IS WrestleMania Without Mister T!
Did Lita Teach Christy How To CHEAT (On The Man She Loves)?
Hey Batista, It's WrestleMania, Do More Than Three Moves!
And now FINALLY and 4 REAL it's time for my exclusive WrestleMania spoilers! Here's what's going to happen on the shizzow so don't read on if you're a wuss and I'll add my own thoughts in as well so u know how I feel which is why you're all really reading anyway!
HEAT is hosting by Ivory in hot pants and she says that Stone Cold Steve Austin has NOT arrived yet! (me: OMG, where could he be!?)
And in the main event of HEAT Regal and Tajiri come out and Regal says "bloody hell, we've thrashed all the other tag teams on RAW, there's no bloody sausage mongers left to challenge us!" and Tajiri says "in-DEED!" But then a modified version of the Dudley Boyz music plays (me:!) and then Sable (me:!!) comes out in a metal bikini top (me:!!!) and thong and says "let's go boyz!" and then D-Von and Bubba Ray come out but there's different because Buh Buh's lost 75 pounds and D'Von's got an afro and they're both wearing futuristic metal outfits with helmets and even their traditional Dudley Boys glasses are metal now! And the Dudleys kick Regal and Tajir's asses then get the tables but it's a STEEL table and they give Regal the 3D on it and he blades his nose so it looks like he's got a nose bleed like he used to do all the time to add realism! And then Sable says "Are you Boyz ready for the grind?" and grinds up against D-Von and Bubba (me: what will Brock think!?) and says "this is what you get when you mix twisted steel tables and Sable appeal!" (me: good angle does this mean Brock's back too will he be aligned with the Dudleyz!?)
Wrestlemania starts with a video package narated by Slyvester Stallone! (me: good, get as much use out of the bastard as possible for that half a mill!)
Beyonce sings a highly abridged version of "oh say can you SEE!" because time is short and we want to get on with the show! (me: GOOD BOOKING!)
First match is a 30 man battle royal with everyone who doesn't have a match plus some Ring Of Honour jobbers to make up the numbers! And it comes down to Snitsky and Heidenreich because they're the two biggest guys in the match (me: makes sense!) and they stand staring at each other...and suddenly Too Cool's music plays! Then Heidenriech and Snitsky both take out shades and put them on and go into that arms crossed post Too Cool used to do right before they started dancing...then they start dancing! And they both jump over the top rope at the same crowd and start dancing with children in the crowd! And JR says "THE BY GAWD WRESTLEMANIA SPIRIT HAS OBVIOUSLY INFECTED EVEN THOSE TWO YAHOOS!" (me: two great characters flushed down the toilet in one crappy angle!)
Eddie Guerrero versus Rey Mysterio
This only lasts four minutes because we need more time for the main events and besides it's only a Smackdown match (me: yep, Triple H is booking WM again!) JR tells us that Stone Cold still hasn't arrived at the Arena. They have a scientific match until Eddie gets the slightly hard-fought victory with a top rope rana. Then after the match the police come out and put Eddie in handcuffs! Then Rey looks concerned at first but then he starts laughing and gives Eddie a 619 while he's in the cuffs! Then the police say Eddie is under arrest for drug smuggling and Rey says "hahaha, I was the one who smuggled the drugs in your car, Eddie! And I'm going to sell them for a street value of five thousand dollars, hahahaha!" then he pulls out a bag of drugs and taunts Eddie with them and says "take him away, boys!" and the police drag Eddie away while Rey takes some of the drugs and gets high! (me: WTF is this crap!? Eddie NEVER wins with a top rope rana!)
Hulk Hogan is backstage and he says he's itching for a fight, brother!
Trish Stratus versus Christy Hemme
Christy is hanging with her and hits a top-rope double underhook suplex, but Trish comes back with an impaler DDT. And then Lita comes bouncing down to the ring and the King says "what's she doing out here!? Other than making jogging a spectator sport?" Then Lita gets up on the apron and starts yelling at Trish but Trish grabs her by the hair and drags her into the ring then throws Lita into the corner! But Christy gets up and tries to help Lita up, but Lita's got her back to her and thinks it's Trish and she elbows Christy right in the face! Then Trish rolls up Christy for the three! And Trish walks away laughing and Christy's angry but Lita holds her back. Then Lita spins Christy around and slaps her in the face three times and Trish runs back in and gives Christy a chick kick! Then Lita smirks evily and suddenly gets about 800% hotter! And Lita and Trish go up the aisle together than Lita falls back in Trish's arms and Trish sticks her tongue right down Lita's throat! But the cameraman is standing too close and you don't get a good look at it, sadly. (me: this is such a blatant rip-off of an angle at a previous WrestleMania - Miss Elizabeth turning on Sensational Sherri and making out with Macho Man at WM7 - but still LITA NAD TRISH MAKEING OUT OMFG JIZZEXTREME LHOLR RSJASEX!!!!!!)
Big Show versus Akebono
This is a mix of a wrestling and sumo match so they do bodyslams and dropkicks and stuff until they both go over the line at the same time and it's a draw! (me: I thought it was a shoot!?) Then Luther Reigns appears on the big screen in a monster truck out back and says "You two think you're big, well I'm bigger in my monster truck and I challenge you both to take me on in a monster truck sumo match...right now!" So Big Show and Akebono head out back and they're looking around but they can't see Luther anyway but then he comes driving at them from behind in his monster truck and Michael Cole says "that damn Luther Reigns is trying to run them over with a damn monster truck!" But then Mark Jindrak jumps into the monster truck at the last moment and hits Luther with a big left hand causing him to swerve and miss Big Show and Akebono and the monster truck crashes into a river. And Big Show and Akebono just shrug and go and get pizza. (me: sounds about right!)
JR reminds us that Stone Cold isn't here yet and it "AIN'T LIKE THE RATTESNAKE AT ALL, FOLKS!"
Muhammed Hassan and Davari come out and they are mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore! Hassan says "Ever since...9/11, we've been unable to find American woman to have sex with us!" and the fans cheer because they don't want their women sleeping with no Arabs! But then Hassan grabs a woman from the front row (me: PLANT) and throws her in the ring and says "we don't want to do this, but we have to...unless a real American man can save you. But there's none of them here tonight! And then right on cue "Real American" plays and the fans go crazy because they know this means one thing and one thing only...Patt Patterson and Gerald Briscoe are in the house (me: OMFG!) and they're going to send Hassan and Davaria back to Arabia! And they have a match and Patterson and Briscoe dominate and Patterson gets Hassan down in the corner and drops his pants and his wearing boxers with the American flag on them but also white stains like in the Hardcore Evening gown match (me: must be milk!) and he gives Hassan a stinky face for a full minute! Then the Fink gets in the ring and dance with Patterson and Briscore and Patterson grabs his ass and JR says "BY GAWD, PATTERSON MAY BE A HOMO, BUT AT LEAST HE'S AMERICAN BORN AND RAISED UNLIKE HASSAN AND DAVARI!"
Six Man Ladder Match
Everyone does crazy spots and shit and Christina gives someone a reverse DDT off the ladder like he does in every ladder match and Benoit does the headbutt off the top of the ladder and misses and Kane chokeslams someone off the ladder of course and Jericho puts someone in the walls of Jericho on top of the ladder and it looks highly contrived and JR acts like he's never seen any of this before and finally Christian is climbing up the ladder and Kane is just standing there watching and he grins and suddenly the ladder catches fire! And Christian falls off on fire and runs backstage on fire! Then Kane makes lightening strike the briefcase so it falls down and Kane is standing there ready to catch it but Shleton Benjamin (me:~!) jumps right over Kane and catches the breifcase! And JR says "THAT'S AN XFL FAIR CATCH IF EVER I SAW ONE!" (me: okay, I'm all in favor of Kane getting his magic powers back because he never should have lost them in the first place! But NOT like this with no explanation! They should show him visiting that vodoo woman Booker T knew, or Papo Shango or Paul Bearer OR SOMETHING GOD WHY DON'T THEY JUST LET ME BOOK!?_
Then Maria's tits are interviewing Shelton backstage and he opens up the briefcasue but there's just a photo of BROCK LESNAR inside! (me: yes but is he aligned with the Dudley Boyz 3000!?)
The Undertaker versus Randy Orton
They have a good, competitive, normal match which Undertaker wins with the tombstone and they actually shake hands afterwards. Then Undertaker says "I have a special announcement to make. I have decided to RETIRE from wrestling and that my last ever match will be...at WrestleMania 30!" (me: that's eleven more years, deezamn!) then he pulls a steel pipe out of his tights and hits Orton right in the shoulder and pumps his fist in the air! And then Stacy Keibler runs out and grabs the pipe and she starts working over Orton's shoulder with it too! Then Undertaker grabs Stacy and lifts her up like he's going to give her the last ride...but just holds her up there with her crotch in his face and sniffs! Then he says "RNN news update...I'm doing your girlfriend, boy!" (me: Okay, I can definately stand to watch the Underweartaker for another eleven years if he's going to be this cool!)
JR calls Stone Cold on his cell phone but he gets no answer! (me: they better not be killing him off after just bringing him back!)
Shawn Michaels versus Kurt Angle
They have a thirty minute plus class with lots of technical wrestling and big moves and stuff and during the match Marty Jannetty comes down to ringside to get a closer look! And Kurt eventually gets Shawn in the ankle lock for a few minutes but Shawn reaches the ropes! Then Kurt gets angry and removes the top turnbuckle then he puts on brass knux and hits Shawn low with them, and Shawn bounces round and his face hits the exposed turnbuckle then Angle rolls him up holding his tights AND hair AND puts his feet on the ropes but Shawn still kicks out at two! (me: they should have had Kurt win clean there!) Then Kurt is frustrated and charges at Shawn but runs right into sweet chin music and Shawn gets the three! (me: NOOOOOOOOO!) Then Marty gets into the ring and applauds Shawn then says "Shawn, there's something I've wanted to do to you for a long time..." and grabs Shawn by the hair...and kisses him right on the lips! Then Marty says "Shawn, I love you. I always have and I always will. Let me show you what a man can do. Let me be the man for you!" Then Shawn throws up all over Kurt Angle! (me: at last, a sensitive portrayal of homosexuality in wrestling!)
Now it's finally down for Piper's pit with Stone Cold but he's not here yet! So Piper stalls for time for tens minutes by talking about how he wakes up each morning wishing he was dead but then gets nice and drunk and the trouble of the world seem to disappear! Then just when he's about to give up CARLITO'S music plays (me: must be a production mistake!) and CARLITO walks out (me: but he's not scheduled to be here!) and grabs the microphon from Piper who's singing Gilbert and Sullivan scores for no reason and says "Hey yo. Looks like the rattlesnake isn't here. That's not cool. But one person who IS here is me, the TROUSER snake! That's cool!" But then suddenly the glass smashes and JR says "YES, YES, GOOD GAWD ALL MIGHTY, TELL ME THIS ISN'T A LATE APRIL FOOL'S JOKE, STONE COLD IS HERE!" and Austin comes driving down to the ring in a condom truck! And he says "Well (me: what?) looks (me: what?) like (me: what?) someone (me: what?) cut (me: what?) the (me:what?) brakes (me: what?) on (me: okay, that's enough lol) my car so I had to steal this condom truck to get here! Now who could it have been...CARLITO?" and Carlito's says "Hey man, attempted homicide? That's not cool. Apart from when I stabbed John Cena, that was cool!" and Austin laughs and says "Why don't you eat your apple, son?" and Carlito takes a bite and all his teeth crack! Then Austin says "DTA you piece of crap, I replaced your regular apple with a STEEL apple, you piece of crap!" then stuns him and throws him in the back of the condom truck! (me: lucky carlito, he can masturwank in them!) But then FROM BEHIND Roddy Piper pulls out a bottle of Scotch (me: he's scottish, good continuity!) and smashes it over the back of old Stone Cold's head! And Piper says "Just when you think you've figured out the questions, I change the answers!" and does a crotch chop then drops his kilt and he's got nothing on underneath and we go to a long shot of the arena while security cover him up. (me: this sounds good ON PAPER but let's see if they can pull it off on Sunday!)
John Brad Shaw Leyfield versus John Cena
Cena does a rap before the match (me: oh JOY. Not Gianvani, I'm being SARCASTIC.!)
Looks like it's time, I'm here at WrestleMania, I'll send JBL back to Texas, like I sent Gangrel back to Transylvania, What, you didn't see that match, it happened, I swear, Men On a Mission throwback, wave your hands like you just don't care! JBL, you were an Acolyte, a blackjack and a guy with a rope, You fought Savio Vega in a strap match, you big goofy dope! (me: WTF kind of a line is that!?) When I beat you, it'll be a bigger moment than Hogan slamming Andre at WrestleMania three If you try the clothesline from hell you'll miss, because you can't see me! (me: OMFG I didn't think it was possible but Cena's worse than Eminem!) I'll hit the F-U, follow it with the five knuckle, Then I'll raise the belt standing on the top turnbuckle!
Okay, so you've probably noticed that this rap sucks (me: NO SHIT!) but this is INTENTIONAL! Cena is supposed to be so nervous about the match with JBL that it's affecting his ability to rap! (me: OOOOOOOOH, great character development, I take back everything I see! Except about Cena being worse than Eminem, but I actually like Eminem lol) And JBL dominates the match because of Cena's nerves but Cena "sucks it up" and makes the comeback and pumps up his shoes and hits the F-U, then goes for the five knuckle shuffle, but his nerves hit again and he stops before dropping the first and does lots of stupid comedy hand signals for like a minute because he's trying to get his head together and while this is going on Orlando Jordan pulls out a bag with a big dollar sign on it out from under the ring and he throws silver dollars right in Cena's eyes! And JBL gets the pin! Then JBL laughs at Cena because if he hadn't of choked he could have won, but then Hulk Hogan (me:!) comes out and says "when you hurt my friends, you hurt my pride, brother!" and helps Cena who is crying now but then JBL says something to Orlando and Orlando translates and says "JBL is officially challenging Hulk Hogan to a match!" Then JBL holds Hogan and OJ gets out the silver dollars again and throws them but Hogan moves out of the way and they go right in JBL's eyes! And then Hogan hits three right hands, the big boot and the leg drop! Then he graps the belt and starts playing air guitar with it! But then the referee tells him that he forgot to actually go for a pinfall and Hogan turns around right into JBL's clothesline from hell and JBL pins him for the three! And who can stop JBL now!? (me: Great angle! And who indeed!?)
Triple H versus Batista
Triple H dominates for 20 mintues by working over Batista's leg because he's a technical marvel until Batista hits a spinebuster out of nowhere. Then Batista goes for the powerbomb but as he holds HHH up the Game gives him a thumb to the eye then hits the pedigree and gets the three! But JR says "NO, NO, SWEET JESUS NO, THAT WAS BLATANT, THAT WAS HEINOUS, THAT WAS A THUMB TO THE EYE, WRESTLEMANIA'S NOT ENDING THIS WAY, NOT ON MY WATCH, AND THEY CAN SEND ME TO HELL WHERE I'LL BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY IF IT DOES!" and he marches into the ring and tells the referee about the thumb to the eye and the ref restarts the match! Then HHH grabs JR for the pedigree but Batista gives him a clothesline then the Batista bomb and gets the three and is the new world champion! Then Batista hugs JR and JR smiles...then grabs his chest! And JR falls down clutching his chest and Batista shouts "I think he's having a heart attack! Get a medic! A MEDIC!!!!" and the show goes off and air and you don't know if JR will live or die! (me: good angle to get people to tune into RAW the next night and personally I hope he's dead because it's time for a new play by play man!)
Then six hours later when the Arena is totally empty and absolutely everyone has gone home, Bret Hart shows up! And he says "Umm, I'm here to challenge JBL? Where is everyone! Oh crap, I can't believe I'm late!" (me: you idiot Bret! He must have got high with RVD after all!)
Sounds like it could be the BIZZEST Wrestlemania ever but we'll see on Sunday! And now for this weeks interview! I have decided to interview two men who were once best friends but now hate each other and try to bring them together! That's right, I'm interviewing Matt Hardy and Edge! Obviously they wouldn't agree to talk to me if they knew the other one was talking to...so I didn't tell them!
Me: OMG, it's Matt Hardy!
Matt: Hey, what's up?
Me: Great to talk to you, I've been a big fan of yours and Team Extreme for years!
Matt: That's great. I've had a rough time over the last few months in my personal life, but I'm looking forward to talking about my wrestling career with a real fan again.
Me: Sure, we'll probably talking about that! Wait a second, I have a call on the other line, who could it be!?
Edge: Hello? Hot Newz?
Matt: Is that who I think it is!? IS THAT EDGE!?
Edge: Matt!? What the hell, did I dial Lita's number by mistake? Are you over at her place trying to get back with her again? It's over Hardy, just accpet it!
Matt: You bastard! You're nothing but feces! FECES! I'll kill you. I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!
Me: LOL, great to have you two talking again!
Edge: You set this up!? You said you wanted to interview me about my career!
Matt: I can't believe this crap! I feel ill just being involved in the same phone conversation as him!
Me: But you two were such good friends once!
Matt: I have nothing in common with doo-doo head anymore.
Me: You do have one thing in common, hot sex with Lita!
Edge: I think it's best if you don't get there...
Matt: I think it would have been best if YOU hadn't of gone there, but you did!
Edge: Four times a night, baby!
Me: Is rough sex with Lita more or less gruelling that a tag team ladder match?
Matt: Oh, I'd say about the same.
Edge: I'd say more.
Matt: Figures, you always did half-ass it in those ladder matches!
Edge: I had to save my engery for other things.
Matt: And I thought I knew you.
Me: You will never know him!
Matt: Yeah, well I know he's a poop-jockey.
Edge: At least I'm not a wuss, wuss!
Me: Now that's not fair. Surely Matt didn't know Lita was a slut when he started going out with her?
Edge: Hey, don't call her that!
Matt: Don't you defend her! But yeah, don't call her that. She's not a slut. Just a cruel succubus who'll consume your very soul and and rip our your heart with her love.
Edge: Is that why you went to a dozen rock concerts with her last month?
Matt: It wasn't a dozen! It was ten. Okay, eleven. But I didn't enjoy them!
Me: LOL, this is great stuff.
Matt: Oh you find my pain funny?
Me: Yep! Hey, do you think Lita cheated on you with your brother Jeff?
Edge: Unlikely, he plays for the other team.
Me: You mean because he works for TNA?
Matt: Haven't you used that joke in a previous column?
Edge: You actaully READ this nerd's dross? Then again, I guess you don't have anything else to do at night when Lita's over at my place!
Matt: That's not true! I can read the internet, post self-pitying messages to the internet...walk my dog...well, my neighbour's dog...tons of stuff!
Me: Loser, lol!
Matt: Oh, I'm the loser?
Me: Yep, you couldn't give Lita what she needed: Edge's spear!
Edge: Hehe, good one!
Me: I know, this is so funny!
Matt: This is not a joke! This is my life! You understand me, Hot Newz? My FUCKING life! I loved Lita, and she betrayed me in the worst possible way with a man who I thought was my best friend. There's nothing funny about that. NOTHING. For God's sake, have you no compassion? No heart? Is everything just a big joke to you? Well go ahead, laugh it up! Laugh at Matt Hardy! Drive me to suicide, then laugh at that. You son of a bitch.
Me: OMG, Matt, I'm so sorry, dood, I took it so far. Sorry.
Matt: Well, that's okay, as long as you understand...
Me: ...SORRY THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S A SLUT, LOL, TEAM EXTREME ARE FUCKED-UP, YOU'RE BROTHER IS GAYER THAN PATTERSON AND HE'S MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU, LOL, LITA AND EDGE HAD SEX WHILE YOU CHATTED TO HARDYGRRL69 ON AOL INSTANT MESSENGER, ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Matt hangs up.)
Me: Was it something that I said!?
Edge: Okay, listen up chump, I'll keep talking to you as long as you leave my personal life out of it, okay?
Me: Okay! Let's talk about wrestling...is Triple H holding you down?
Edge: Of course! Not just me, but all the other heels on RAW, like Christian...
Me: Your brother! How come JR never acknowledges that you're relate now?
Edge: Actually, Christian and I legally divorced each other, we're no long brothers. So JR's right for once, the stupid old fool.
Me: You divorced him, eh?
Edge: That's right...
Me: FIGURES, YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT DIVORCE LOL, TWO WIVES AND A BROTHER DOWN OMG! THAT'S THREE DIVORCES, YOU ARE THE ROSS GELLAR OF THE WWE!!!!!!!
(Edge hangs up.)
Me: Operator? Give me Lita's number!
Lita's Answering Machine: Hi, I'm out having unprotected sex with a man I don't even know, please leave a message!
LOL, those two had no sense of humor! Bizzack soon with more Hot Newz, enjizzoy WrestleMania it's going to be BADASS!!!!!!!!!!!1
Originally posted by Hot Newz And Big Show and Akebono just shrug and go and get pizza. (me: sounds about right!)
A bunch of great Stuff this time! The announcement about the Christ of Fate, the comment about 5 star matches in Japan, the Battle Royal ending with Snitsky and Heidenreich. Patterson and Brisco against Hassan and Daivari, Hogan vs JBL, Brett Hart at RVD's comic book store, and so on.
Sign Idea: Hot Newz is the Shizznit!!!!1
EDIT: Sorry to bring your thread rating down.
(edited by Mr. Boffo on 2.4.05 0717) NOTE: The above post makes no sense. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Continuing along our historic look at past WWF April pay-per-views, we arrive at Revenge Of The Taker. After The Undertaker had defeated Sycho Sid and won the belt at Wrestlemania, all was good in the world.