I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania is JUST arround teh cornar! This year is ALL ABOUT The Rock who of course has amazingly returned to the WWE FULL TIME (well, he's back FULL TIME during the shows that he's actually on. The rest of the time he's still in Hollywood) to make Cena look even more shit than we all thought possible! Cena looks so bad compared to The Rock that viewers will be carving their eyes out if they have to keep watching Cena after WrestleMania! And also Triple will fight The Undertaker because niether of them have anything better to do and neither of them will even wrestle in the run up to WrestleMania because they'be both literally said that no one else is good enough to belong in the ring with them and there isn't even a proper storyline for the match, they both just come out every week and literally say "we're going to wrestle at WrestleMania AND IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MATCH ON THE CARD!" and that's it. It will be a great show for getting new talent over!
Jeff Hardy has gone crazy on TNA ppv! Hundreds of people have been tweeting me (Follow me on twitter!) asking if this was a work, a shoot, a worked shoot, a shot work or a whoot! The truth is a mixture of all six! The original plan was a plain, straightforward everyday worked shoot written by Russo but plans changed when Jeff ate some Wooden Cheese pills and got high (I used to eat them at parties, they merked my melon up, man!) Luckily Russo got drunk (ON THE LORD!?) and posted teh original booking sheet on his facebook for 17 seconds before Dixie made him erase it (they were in bed together at the time, that's how he keeps his job!) and I manged to copy and paste it before it was gone!
"Okay you mooks, listen up, I'll say this only once. Or, more accurately, type it only once. I've come up with an angle so confusing, so illogical, that no one, probaby not even the people involved, will be able to tell if it's real or not! It starts with Jeff Hardy's music playin' for the main event and he comes out WALKING BACKWARDS! That's the first mindfuck right there. Jeff says "hey, the reason I'm walking backwards from your point of view is because time is flowing backwards for me and I just came from the future where my match with Sting has already happened and I WON so there's no reason to have this match tonight, bye!" and starts to walk away (backwards) when STING runs out to no music in street clothes (why isn't he dressed for the match? Just one of the mysteries that'll get the internet smarks talking!) and beats up Jeff with a baseball bat until he's just a bloodstain on the mat! Sting goes for the cover but the referee looks at him close and says "that's not Jeff!" and then the REAL Jeff comes out from under the ring smoking a blunt and blows smoke in Sting's eyes and he's BLINDED and Jeff hits him with a PINK baseball bat! Mike Tenay instantly says "THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SHANNON MOORE DISGUISED AS JEFF THE FIRST TIME" to explain what happened to any of the slower viewers! Jeff goes up for the Swanton but then he SLIPS and falls to the floor and the referee does an "X" right directly into the camera so that the mooks thinks it's a work, but then he does a "Y" to the camera for half a second to confuse everyone! Then Sting hops out to the floor and hurts his ankle jumping out and both men are counted out and Tenay says "WHAT WAS THAT!!!" This will really confuse those mook marks and get them talking on the internets!"
While that would have been RUSSO'S BEST ANGLE IN FOURTEEN YEARS, unfortuantely Jeff ruined it by getting high FOR REAL on Purple Waterfall pills (I ate one to impress a girl once, I ended up wearing my shoes on my hands! Still got laid!) and Sting had to SHOOT SHOOT on him with a Shoot Scropion Deathdrop (which is a real shoot MMA move in Japan where Rikodizan once beat Kenta Misawa with one in the notorious Big Egg shoot!) and a shoot pin for the win!
GLAAD (which stands for Gays and Lesbians Are A-okay, Doodz!) have stopped John Cena from saying anything homophobic! They did this be cunningly releasing a statment reading "Hmm, John Cena seems to have a problem with gay people. Could it be because HE is, in fact, SECRETLY GAY himself?!" Cena responded on Twitter by saying "damn it, now I can't make fun of gays without everyone thinking I'm gay myself WHICH I'M NOT, thanks a lot GLAAD you homos!" which he deleted eight seconds later but I saw it! Cena now only has poop based insults left in his arsenal...until some Pro Poop group goes after him that is! WWE will get revenge on GLAAD for forcing them to enter the 21st century by bringing back The Right To Censor but they'll be called Glad To Censor and wear RAINBOW TIES and their members will be Patt Pattersson, The Brooklyn Brawler, Awesmazing Kong and Evan Bourne (come on, we all suspected it)!
Finlay has been released! Finlay (68) was fired after a house show where he booked Miz to urinate on the american flag for cheap heat! In actual fact it was a CANADIAN flag just painted to look like an american flag and Miz's urine would wash the paint away revealing a canadian flag and Miz would say "haha, I made you care about Canada!" But some IDIOT bought urine proof paint and it wouldn't wash off! Unfortunately for Finlay, the entire National Guard were at this house show and were disgraced by this urinating on an apparent american flag (they would have been fine if it was canadian, of course!) and told their representative Sargent Slaughter to have Finlay deported back to Ireland to eat potatoes! He will never be seen again.
Speaking of releases, WWE plans to fire lots of jobbers and less attractive Divas after WrestleMania! This means 90 days later a new group named PAST ENDEAVOURS (it's a pun!) will invade TNA! They will consist of Tyler Rex, Chris Masters, Primo, Zach Ryder (sorry internet, he's gone!), Kurt Hawkins, Rosa Mendes, Beht Phoenix, Tyson Kid, DH Smith, That Fat Guy From NXT, That Bland Guy From NXT (which one!?) and their leader R Truth! They will DOMINATE TNA...for one week until they all start in-fighting and turning on each other! So there will be a "reverse pink slip battle royal" match where the first one to get into the ring and grab the pinkslip gets to fire everyone else (for real, since Dixie will have lost millions on Jeff Hardy's legal fees by this point!) ERIC YOUNG who was fired the week before will win, dressed as Papa Shango.
The reason why Melina doesn't have papz photographing her on the way to the ring anymore is that the magazines stopped buying the photos!
Chris Jericho's Undisputed - If you read "A Lion's Tail" and thought to yourself "Hmm, that was a good book, but it would be EVEN BETTER if he skipped over much of the wrestling stuff and covered some of his greatest matches in barely any detail, BUT went into an insane amount of detail about his music and failed acting career since that's what wrestling fans are really interested in and of course if he cut the book off right before his WWE comeback in 2007 even though he could have easily written about it!" then this is the book for you! Apparently Jesus help him write it, which explains what happened to Carlito's old bodyguard I suppose!
Mick Foley's Countdown To Lockdown - If you read The Hardcore Diaries and thought to yourself "Hmm, that was a pretty bad and pointless book and downright creepy in the chapters about Melina. The only way it could be worse is if Foley writes a sequel which is nothing more than a series of first draft blog posts about a TNA match everyone forgot five minutes after it happened with transcripts of TNA promos that nobody cared about at the time and will care less even less about now and no attempt at all to explain Russo's completely non-sensical booking, mixed in with some ranmbling pointless chapters about meeting famous people and getting a boner watching a woman's breasts on a tv show and worst of all a chapter about steriods that appears to end by saying "maybe steriods aren't so bad even though many heavy steriod users in wrestling have died before the age of 40, bang bang!" and no real details at all in the only potentially interesting chapter about him leaving WWE after Vince shouted down his headset" then this it the toilet paper for you!
MMMMMMGoldust by Dustin Rhunnels - Terrible! Sure he talks about his boring crack addiction (who hasn't been addicted to crack at once point in their life!) but he completely skips the real life gay sex affair he had with Marc Mero in 1998 when they both realised Terri and Sable were too good for them!
Big Vis: A Big Heart - Amazing book! Packed full of sexy stories about the many Dvias Vis slept with and the food they used during their love making! Also has many crazy tales of Mo (that guy was a loose cannon!) and Oscar (he was pretty boring, really) from Men On A Mission! Nine hundred pages long but I read it in one day it was so good, a must read for all wrestling fans!
WrestleMania is THIS Sunday! On paper it looks like a pretty average show until you remember that THE ROCK is hosting it which means it'll be THE BEST SHOW EVER even better than those WrestleManias THe Rock actually wrestled on!
Since Jerry Lawyer and Michale Cole have a match and Jim Ross is still ugly, the announcers for the show will be Josh Matthews, Booker T, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Kelly Kelly!
Randy Orton versus CM Punk - Orton just utterly destroys Punk for five minutes then says "you know what Punk, there's SOMEBODY ELSE who wants revenge on you too!" and you see his HOT FAKE WIFE driving down the aisle in the tour bus (for safety reasons she has to drive really slowly so it takes her five minutes to get there during which Punk doesn't move an inch!) Then hot wife says "you know what? I like REAL MEN!" and runs at Orton like she's going to kick him in the balls, but then she SWERVES at the last minute and punts Punk in the head! "That's why I married you, the real man Randy Orton!" she adds. Punk is then drafted to Smackdown where he turns faces and feuds with Drew McIntyre over Kelly Kelly's love! And Orton's wife wins the Diva's title the next night on RAW.
Shameus versus Daniel Bryan - Due to time restraints (need more time for Triple H and Undertaker interviews, videos, entrances!) the match only lasts four minutes and it's just Shameus beating up Bryan and Bryan cowering and covering up in the corner before he gets the fluke win with a small package! And Bryan's new gimmick is that he's a coward who can only win with small packages because Vince finally watched one of his matches and thought it was unrealistic someone so short was hitting moves like dropkicks and upppercuts! And Bryan will started wearing glases and reading books on the way to the ring to make him look more nerdier.
The CorrE versus Big Show, Kane, Santino and Koslaugh - Before the match Kofi Kingstone comes down to the ring and says "hey mon, I taught I was in dis match mon!" and everyone looks at him in disgust then Santino gives him The Cobra and knocks him out and Kofi's carried away on a stretcher while a piped in "NA NA NA GOODBYE" song plays and he's Future Endeavoured~!~! the next day! Then Big Show destroys all of the Corre without tagging in any of his partners with his new finisher THE BUTTERFLY SUPLEX then destroys all his partners too to get him ready for his big main event push that'll probably last a month!
Rey Mysterio versus Cody Rhodes - Due to time restraints (need more time for all the old people to come out and wave in slow motion for the Hall Of Fame yawnfest!) the match only lasts two minutes! And Vince has instructed Cody to ONLY use headbutts to get his gimmick over so he just headbutts every part of Rey's body until he's finally read to headbutt Rey's head, but when he does his facemask SHATTERS and it's revealed Rey is wearing a METAL MASK! Rey then exposes a knee brace with a big spike sticking out of it and hits a 619 that takes out one of Cody's eyes! Rey then spits on Cody and says "NOT SO DASHING NOW" and then gives a 619 to Dusty who is frantically checking on his son and there's blood everywhere and Rey laughs and writes "DEATH" on his chest with the blood! Rey then pushes over some kids who try to slap his hand and says "I NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT EDDIE!" This could potentially turn him heel!
John Morrison, Trash Stratus and Snoopy versus Dolph Ziggler, Michelle McCool and Queen Layla - I know how this match SHOULD go! It SHOULD see Layla layout Michelle, Snooki and Vickie with the LayOut then take down that leather-skinned, fake-tanned, forty year old, no-implants having FAKE Trish with the Diamond Dust~!~!~!~! Then Morrison and Ziggler have a match to decide who gets to date Layla and they both collapse with exhaustion after twenty minutes and Layla says "I'll just snog with WILLIAM REGAL instead! Oh and by the way Kate Middleton your Royal Wedding is a sham because Prince William was mine before he was yours!" and does a Layla crotch chop!
Jerry "The King" Oliver versus Michael Cole - Austin will stun Jack Swagger right at the start and Swagger will roll under the ring and never be seen again! Lawler will charge at Cole and be surprised when Cole LEAPFROGS him! Lawler will charge again and once more fall victim to the LEAPFROG! Lawler will then look worried because he wasn't expecting Cole to know such technical wrestling moves! Then Grandmasta Sexay and Scotty Too Hotty come out holding hands! And GMS looks at Jerry like he's going to attack him but then they attacked Cole! And Grandmasta says "thanks for accepting our relationship and agreeing to marry us tomorrow night on RAW, pops!" (this is part of the GLAAD agreement!) Then Scotty will give Lawler THE WORM and Grandmasta says "hey, I thought I was the only one who got to see your worm in action and by that I mean your penis HAHA!" Then Lawler smiles and says "I love you, son, even if you are a fruit...cake!" which isn't in the script and will get Lawler sent to Gay Bootcamp by GLAAD right after the show! Then Rikisihi comes out and gives Cole a stinkface! Then X-Pac comes out and gives Cole a Bronco Buster! Then "here comes the money!" plays and SHANE O MAC IS BACK (he couldn't get a job anywhere else!) and he gives Cole the Van Shane-inator and says "POP POP!"! Then "I'm all grown up now and I've listened and read" plays and Stephanie comes out and gives Cole a pedigree! Then Hornswoggle comes out and gives Cole a Tadpole Splash (wearing a black armband for Finlay.) Then A MAN IN A MASK WHO LOOKS LIKE FINALY IN A MASK comes out and hits Cole with a Shillelagh! Then Stacy "The Kat" Carter comes out and gives Cole a weak stomp to the ribs! Kat then says "Sorry for cheating on you with The Dupps, Jerry!" and Jerry says "I'm surprised you remember The Dupps" and Kat says "yeah, I guess they weren't very meorable wrestlers" and Jerry says "no, I mean I'm surprised you remember sleeping with them after the thousands of DISEASED COCKS you've had inside you over the years!" and gives her a piledriver on a steel chair (strangely no one complains about this part!) because WrestleMania isn't PG! Then Booker T comes into the ring and gives Cole a Spinaroonie! Then JIM ROSS walks out but he falls going up the steps and lies in agony on the floor saying "OWW, GOSH DARN IT TO HECK, I CAN'T EVEN WALK UP STEPS NO MORE, MAYBE I AIN'T CUT OUT TO BE AN ANNOUNCER AFTER ALL!" (JR only agreed to do and say this because Vince promised that he'd give JR his job back the next night on RAW if he did. Deep down inside, JR knew that Vince was obviously lying but went ahead with it anyway in the vain hope that Vince was telling the truth!) Then finally Lawler pins Cole after a fistdrop holding a ROLL OF DIMES in his fist! But then Vince McMahon comes out and says "by the way this match was NON SANCTIONED and therefore you still haven't had a match on a WrestleMania, HAHA, PAL!" and spits on him and the GLAD TO CENSOR drag Lawler away before he can fight back! This sets up Lawler/McMahon at WM28 in his REAL first WM match!
Edge versus Roberto Del Rio - The referee is bumped by Big Brutus Clay and then Christian gets in the ring with a chair and Edge says "you know what to do!" and Christian says "yes I do....DEAR BROTHER!!!!" and hits EDGE with the chair! Then Christian laughs evily! But then Edge pops right up and gives Christian the Running Hug! Edge grabs da mike and says "you fool, I KNEW you were going to turn heel on me by hitting me with a steel chair, that's why I replaced all the steel chairs with RUBBER CHAIRS!" Then Edge hits the Running Hug on Del Rio for the win! This is because management has lost faith in DelRio for no reason and he'll spend the next six months jobbing to Sin Cara (don't worry, management will have lost faith in Sin Cara by the end of the year and he'll be teaming with Yoshi Tatus as Team Mexipan and jobbing to the UFOs (the repackages Usos who come to the ring in a flying saucer!)!)!
The Undertaker versus Triple HHH - Undertaker starts things off by hitting his WRESTLEMANIA DIVE before Undertaker can even get in the ring but using INVISIBLE WIRES (watch out for them!) so that he doesn't die! They slow things down by hitting their finisher moves ten times each and kicking out. Then Shawn Michaels comes sliding down to the ring and HHH says "did you find them?" and Shawn says "yes BUT I WANT NO PART OF THIS" and just slides back up the aisle! And then THE DX THEME plays and Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, X-Pac (again!), Chyna, DX Tori and Jim Neidhart (he was an official member!) all run out and attack The Undertaker! But Undertaker just easily fights them off because they all suck! BUT THEN the DX theme plays again and KANE comes out wearing the DX GREEN AND BLACK at last and with green pyro, just as I reported he would in 1998! Then Kane looks at The Undertaker and smiles...THEN CHOKESLAMS TRIPLE H! No one saw it coming! Then Undertaker gets teh pin and says "Kane never really tried to kill me last year, it was all a set up to screw over DX!" and does an Undertaker crotch chop (which is similar to a Layla crotch chop!?) Undertaker and Kane then date LayCool for a year until Triple H just randomly shows up on the RAW before WrestleMania 28 and says "Undertaker. Me. You. WrestleMania."
John Cena versus The Miz - Miz wins with the Skull Crushing Finale after five minutes when The Rock spits water in Cena's eyes. Seriously. That's the finish. This isn't even a joke. I'm not making it up. This is literally what will happen at WrestleMania. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Real Main Event - Then Cena says "Okay, Rock, let's do it, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE!!!!" and Rock says "JUST BRING IT, DUDE!" and Cena says "I AM BRINGING IT!" and Rock says "BUT YOU AIN'T NO SINGING IT!" then they sing "Smackdown Hotel for five minutes!" But then finally they're about to fight FOR REAL when Rikishi (again!) comes out! Rikishi says "hold on a minute, fellas! I've got a lot in common with both of you! Cena, you and I both love hip hop. And Rock, I ran over Austin for you. So there's a connection between the three of us. And that's why I'm here to tell you two not to fight! Let's just GET DOWN instead!" Then Rock and Cena looked at each other and nod and then BEAT UP RIKISHI with a simultanious People's Elbow and Five Nuffle Shuffle (he'll be dead!) Then Rock says "you know what, Cena, beating the shit out of Rikish was fun, but there's still an issue between us that can only be settled in one way...with us going ONE ON ONE...in my new movie, Spy Versus Spy, co-starring you!" then Cena says "Rock...it would be an honor!" and they pose! And Rock never wrestles again which is just as well since he's punches on RAW looked shit!
Of all the WrestleMania's this will be the 27th of them!
And also Triple will fight The Undertaker because niether of them have anything better to do and neither of them will even wrestle in the run up to WrestleMania because they'be both literally said that no one else is good enough to belong in the ring with them and there isn't even a proper storyline for the match, they both just come out every week and literally say "we're going to wrestle at WrestleMania AND IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MATCH ON THE CARD!" and that's it.
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