OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania is just around a corner! WrestleManaia is that special time of the year where we get to see people like The Rock, HHH, The Undertaker and Brock Lesnar wrestle, people who are TOO IMPORTANT to wrestle any other time of the year but who GENEROUSLY agree to wrestle once a year for lots of money! So let's all watch them and appeciate what they're doing for us then once WrestleMania is over we can stop caring about wrestling again for another year! I'll have FULL and accurate WrestleMania spoilers in this article BUT FIRST here's my state of the wrestling address!
Why am I doing a state of wrestling address? Because wrestling is in a state! CM Punk was suppoed to be the chosen one and bring balance to the force (of wrestling!) but he ended up being a worse chosen one than Anakin Skywalker and Jeff Jarrett put togther! Where's our ice cream? It all melted WITH OUR DREAMS! Punk just turned out to a be a FAKE WRESTLER like the rest and his shoot worked shoot promos were actually worked shoot worked shoot promos all along! Now we're going to be stuck with CENA who only IRONIC HIPSTERS like (omg he did a hurricanrana and it looked shit but at least he did it HE'S THE NEW BENOIT WITHOUT THE MURDER) and Boring Del Rio as our champions! And as for TNA...they probably still suck too! And even the UFC Fight Federation is starting to suck by allowing WOMEN to fight and I'm NOT being sexist here bu tit's a FACT that women have precious bodyparts that need protected like breasts and ovaries and the clitoris so they have no business fighting each other!
Now you're all screaming at your monitors "WELL, HOT NEWZ, HOW WOULD YOU MAKE THINGS BETTER?" Glad you asked! Here is my FIVE POINT PLAN to make the wrestling world a world I'd want my children to live in in 2014!
1. Bring back SHANE O MAC - There's a MYTHCONCEPTION that Triple HHH is the KEWL McMahon, but how can he be when he still listens to Motorhead and sleeps with STephanie!? That first thing hasn't been cool since the eighties and the second hasn't been cool since 1994 (just ask Randy Savage's ghost OOOOOOH YEAH!) Shane was responsible for the Attitude Era as he was watching ECW in the gym with Pete Gas one day when he turned to Pete and said "those CATS have attitude!" Vince was listening in (he bugged the gym because he was scared Shane would sell him out to the feds!) and ran in (he was in a van outside!) and said "I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT, SON!" and Shane said "what, cats?" and Vince said "NO YOU MOOK, ATTITUDE!" It was also Shane's idea to leech off other cool things like SOUTH PARK (that's why Golga wrestled in a Cartman mask and said "screw you guys, I'm going home!" everytime the Oddities tagged him in, therefore losing all their matches by countout!) and actually INVENTED Chuck Norris by hiring his old kung fu teacher STEVE BLACKMAN who was so awesome that suddenly people said "hey, maybe Chuck Norris was cool too and not kind of lame and short like I thought!" He also invented the top rope flying elbow through the announce table on Test! Sure he made some mistakes like jobbing for Kane (Shane should have won the feud and Kane should have disappeared for six months then came back in a NEW MASK for his REAL monster push) but those punches on Randy Orton only looked bad because Shane was holding back as he knew if he punched Randy for real he could kill him! Shane being a young man (49) will bring hip cool young ideas like possibly cross promotion with Downton Abbey!
2. FIRE all the MEN from TNA and make it a Diva's only company - Let's face it, TNA sucks. People don't like to say it because they have some good wrestlers and put on some good matches...but it's still TNA. It still has Bubba Ray Dudley pretending to marry Hulk Hogan's daughter. It still has Tazz being allowed to speak on television. It's still TNA and it still sucks and always will as long as it's TNA. So turn it into something else! Who here wouldn't LUV a Diva's only company with all the BEST Divas in the world!? Not just great current TNA woman works like Tara and that girl with the ass, but also great Japanese and Mexican talent like Astonishing Kong, Aja Kong, Bullish Mechano and The Humping Bomb Angels! They could even sign great WWE workers like LAYLA (who is being HELD DOWN), Naomi (NO OTHER DIVA has ever done a BACKWARDS LEAPFROG) and NXT's pale Paige (she's from England which means she was trained by great workers like William Regal and Big Daddy! Plus she's only sixteen which means she has twenty years of hotness left in her!) The worthwhile TNA men like Daniels, Kazarian, Robbie T and Sharkboy could go to WWE and the WORTHLESS men would finally disappear (not naming any names...not naming any SAMOAN names...)
3. Send The Rock to England for a year - This might sound crazy BUT LET ME EXPLAIN!!!!!!!1 First of all we ALL know The Rock gets BLOWN UP everytime he wrestles now. It's because he's forty and has to eat steroids every morning as part of his real job as an action star. Obviously we can't expect The Rock to stop eating steroids, so the solution is for him to wrestle ENGLAND STYLE! You see in England they have ROUNDS in wrestling matches and every match is broken up into five minute rounds, a tradition dating back to Winston Churchill's match with Neville Chamberlain to determine the new Prime Minster! This is to let English people have time to MAKE TEA during matches as those crazy Brits can't go five minutes without that goo! Rock can say he's following in the footsteps of English legends like Tommy Billionham the Dynamite Cad, Finlay and Rockstar Spud and now that he's "found himself" in England he will ONLY wrestle in English style matches with five minute rounds! This means he won't get blown up anymore as he'll be able to rest! Rock can also act like a SNOOTY LIMEY BRIT BASTARD like they have on Donwton Abbey (see point 1)!! Also as the Rock's real career is as an actor now he can SECRETLY TRAIN with famous English actors like Patrick Stewart, Daniel Gay Lewis, Dame Judy Dutch, Jonny Depp and Ki-Adi Mundi to become a real actor!
4. WWE should TEAM UP with NEW JAPAN - You might be asking "Hot Newz, how good can New Japan when it's all in Japanese!?" Well I'll tell you: VERY GOOD! In Japan wrestling is STIFF that it might as well be real! New Japan is the HOT NEW FORCE in wrestling becasue they dsicovered that people like buying ippvs where the stream DOESN'T go down after five minutes (take note ROH!) and are now offiically the SECOND biggest comapany in the world as their last ippv did more buys then the last TEN TNA, ROH, Chikara, Dragon Gate, Respect Pro Wrestling Gorilla, CZW and Fantasy Sex Wrestling ppvs combined! And that's even though they have a guy with short weedy arms whose finisher is a short clothesline in the main event! WWE clearly has a lot to learn from New Japan (like how to get Harry Smith over!) but New Japan also has a lot to learn from WWE (like how to speak English!) so a team up would help both conquer THE ENTIRE WRESTLING WORLD! That would leave only New WWE Japan and TNA Divas as the only two wrestling companies in the world which would be much less confusing for viewers and much easier on newz reporters!
5. Turn Cena Heel...FOR ADULTS - I know people will say "HOt Newz, they'll never turn Cena heel he sells loads of t-shirts and stuffed bears and Cena Chewable Vitamins to kids!"...that's why I said turn him heel FOR ADULTS, dumbass! Back in the early nintenies Bret Hart was a HEEL in America but a FACE in Canada! This meant WWF (as it was then known, history fans!) could sell "America Rules, Bret Smells!" shirts in America and "America Smells, Bret Rules!" shirts in Canada and all they had to do was swap two words! This made the WWE nine million dollars a week (of course WCW was making NINETY MILLION dollars a week with the NWO at the same time!) and was a sound business move! It's now time to do the same thing with John Cena! All adult men HATE Cena already anyway all they have to do is have Cena cut a promo saying "you know what I want to thank MY KID FANS for all their support...but the rest of you can go POOP yourselves!" and make a fart noise! He could then be seen visiting schools and children's hospitals and even zoos dressed in bright colors and playing with kids! He could even have an ARMY of children follow him everywhere and come to the ring with him like Michael Jackson did! Adult women will still cheer him due to his SEXY MUSCLES, of course, but Cena can even turn heel on them by sayig "I like kids more than I like adult women!" and hugging the kids to taunt the women! WWE could then sell even more kiddy than before Cena merchandise to kids (he could release an album of KID RAPS about how homework sucks and whatever else kids believe in!) and ANTI-CENA merch to adults like plastic bottles to throw at him! This could eventually lead to the ultimate adults only wresting star BATISTA returning and he could have an army of porn stars to counter Cena's army of children! Batista could stay heel with kids by popping their balloons on the way to the ring! WWE could even start selling Batista brand condoms to adults! I know I'd wear them (even just for a masturwank!)
WRESTLEMANIA SIGN IDEAS
"Read My Sign While You Wait For Rock To Get His Breath Back."
"I Paid To Not See Zack Ryder."
"We're All In The 'House Of Pain' Watching Ryback v Henry!"
"If Triple H Wets Himself I'll Dry It!" - only hold this if you're a girl or a gay
"Zeb Colter Got Jimmy Wang Yang Deported!"
"SPOILER: The Rock Charges Out Of the Corner With A Clothesline."
"Chris Masters Carried A Tree To A Better Match Than This!" - to be held during any bad match (so any match on the card basically!)
"GAME OF THRONES SPOILER: They All Die!"
WrestleMania is THIS Sunday and it's going to be bigger than Andre's cock and here are 10000 million % percent accurate spoilers I got from my top level sources so don't read if you're a pussy who doesn't like spoilers!
Wade Barrett versus The Miz - Before they're about to wrestle ANTONIO CEEZARO comss out and says "Eeeeey! I am a champion too! I should be on this WrestlingMania show, or at LEAST the pre show so let's turn this into a triple threat match!" Then Miz and Barrett look at each other and NOD and Barrett gives Ceezaro the Bonesmasher Elbow right into a Skull Crushing Final from the Miz! This is because Barrett is turning face soon and this is a tease! Antonio is carried away on a stetcher which has "NXT" written on the bottom of it! Then Miz and Barrett SHAKE HANDS to show they are friends but Barrett tries to turn the handshake into a Sovenierbuster Elbow (he's not a face yet!) and Miz DUCKS it and locks on a CROSSFACE CHICKENWING and Barrett taps out right away! Then BOB BACKLUND comes out and says "young man I was so impressed by your application of the Crossface Chickenwing that I OFFICIALLY endores you!" because they're so fucking desperate to get Miz over and Miz says "thank you, MIZter Backlund!" And if the fans are still booing Miz at this they'll definatly be cheering when MARIA MENSTRAULOS comes out and says "please cheer Miz!" because she's hotter than all the Divas thanks to her GREEK JEANS (which she's wearing!) But will Maryse (she's back, in the front row!) be jealous!?
Brotus Clay, The Hip Hop Hippo and the Funkydyketiles versus Team Rhodes Scholars and the Bizzellas - Rhodes Scholars come out first and Shadow says "you're welcome! As usual Team Rhodes Scholars are ONE STEP AHEAD. You dancing PEONS might have a white guy pretending to be a Japanese guy on your team...but we've got a REAL Japanese ninja on our team! You're wlecome!" And out comes TAJIRI and he shoots ORANGE MIST in a kid's face to show that he's evil! Then the Dancing Fatties come out and Brotus says "SHEAH YOU DO. But guess what? We have someone to counteract Tajira! GOLDUST, GET YOUR GOLD BUTT OUT HERE!" and Goldust comes out RUBBING HIMSELF to counteract Tajiri! But then Cody says "ha! I knew you'd recruit my worthless brother! That's why I recurited my former sister in law, his ex wife, I give you...MARLENA!" Then Marlena comes out smoking a cigar and puts it out on some kid to show she's evil and Goldust starts to cry! Then Brotus says "OH SHEAH? We knew you'd recruit that old skank! That's why we recruit MY FAT MOMMA to counteract her!" and his fat momma from last year with the cushion's in her butt comes out and does a fat dance! BUT THEN suddenly she pulls out pepper spray and aims it at her own son and Damion says "you're welcome! Splendid! We knew you'd recruit your fat momma to counteract Marlena, so I SEDUCED her last night in BED! Use the pepper spray now!" Fat Momma nods...AND PEPPER SPRAYS Damian! Brotus then says "Yeah, we KNEW you'd try to seduce my fat momma...so we had someone take her place!" and Goldust wipes off his gold makeup to reveal that he's wearing BLACKFACE underneath and he says "I faked every orgasm!" Then Noami gives the Bella with no breast implants the Space Flying Tiger Drop for the three.
Big Show, Randy Orton and Shameus versus The Shield - Big Show, Orton and Shameus are KICKING ASS until PAGIE from NXT comes out wearing a leather jacket! And Sheamus says "Och, what are YE doing here, LITTLE SISTER!?" (They're both pale so they must be related!) Then Paige says "THIS!" and pulls her leather jacket off but it's not her breasts that are underneath it's somethign even more shocking: a The Shield T-Shirt! Then Ambrose rolls up Sheameus for the win! Then Pagie says "That's BLOODY WELL RIGHT, you sodding WANKER! I've been with ALL THREE of the Shield doing some worldclass SHAGGING and you can't compete with that, brother, because that would be incest!" Then Randy Orton RAISES AN EYEBROW because he's getting an idea and his storyline for the next three months is attempting to turn Paige against the Shield by shagging her rotten!
P Diddy comes out of a special trapdoor (this will be IMPORTANT LATER!) and sings the WrestleMania song and does the P Diddy shuffle!
Chris Jericho versus Fandamndo - Fandango ORDERS Jericho to say his name correctly and Jericho DOES and Fandango looks shocked and while he looks shocked Jericho quickly goes to give him the Codebreaker...but Fandango reverses it into a flajack! Then he grabs the mic and says "Ha! I KNEW that Jericho was planning to finally say my name right so that I would be surprised and he could give me a codebreak, so I worked out that I could counter a Codebreaker into a flapjack!" and does a dance! Then Jericho schoolboys him for the win.
Team Hell No versus Dolph Ziggler and Biggy Langstrom - Team Hell No win when Kane pins Ziggler CLEAN with the chokeslam! But then Ziggler kicks Kane in the balls and hits Bryan over the head with the Money In The Bank Briefcase and says "You know what? I'm CASHING IN my money in the bank RIGHT NOW! It gives me a shot at a WORLD TITLE...and the Tag titles ARE world titles!" and he pins Bryan (pulling the tights!) to win the belts for him and the other guy! Then JR says "BAH GAWD, WHAT A SMART MOVE BY ZIGGLER, HE'S RIGHT, THE TAG TITLES ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE WORLD TITLE!" Then he looks a tthe King and they both start LAUGHING because no one could believe that shit!
Ryback versus Mark Henry - They do an extra long and dramatic TEST OF STRENGTH for five minutes! This is NOT because both men SUCK and can't do anythig else, it's because there are actually HIDDEN WIRES attached to Henry's back so he can't take any bumps are move around much! The hidden wires are because of that time Ryback tried to give Tensai the Shellshook live on RAW and couldn't get him up! Ryback pulls Henry right out of the test of strength into the Shellshock (with help from TEN MEN hidden in the rafters pulling on the invisible wires!) and gets the three! Then afterwars Mark Henry looks sad in the ring and stands around looking sad and the fans start to give him a standing ovation because they've figured out that he's about to announce his retirment and Henry grabs the mic and says "it is with regret that I'd like to announce...that MANY MORE FOOLS will be entering the HOUSE OF PAIN, I AIN'T RETIRING EVER!" and this gets an even BIGGER standing ovation!
Alberto Del Rio versus Jack Swagger - Alberto is dominating with moves he stole from Carlito until Zeb hits the ref with a tea kettle and KURT ANGLE'S MUSIC plays! Del Rio looks around confused and then THE PATRIOT comes out except he's taller and more muscular! ANd JR says "I REMEMBER THAT MUSIC, IT WAS USED BY THE PATRIOT!" to explain to younger fans! The Patriot says "you have been a BAD AMERICA!" and acts like he's about to hit Swagger when suddenly he grabs Del RIo in a full nelson and gives him UNCLE SLAM! And Swagger wins the title. Then The Patriot rips off his mask to reveal CHRIS MASTERS and he says "yeah, that's right, after I ripped that tree out of the ground I found out tha tthe man holding my mother prisoner WAS A MEXICAN. So I'm BACK with UNCLE MASTERLOCK SLAM to fight for Patriotism and fight against trees and Mexicans!" and gives Ricardo an Uncle Masterlock Slam!
Triple H versus Brock Lesnar NO DQ HARDCORE STREET MATCH - Triple H comes out (with a confused Motorhead kind of playing his theme and vaguely singing the lyrics, unaware of where they even are) with a SLEDGEHAMMER taped to EACH arm! That's two sledgehammers! Lesnar comes out with BIKER CHAINS wrapped around both arms AND around both legs, giving him the tactical advantage! They BATTER each other with their arms for a while until Triple H hits Lesnar in the ear with the sledgehammer six times, knocking him down! But Lesnar uses his biker chain legs to kick Triple H in the quad a few times and HHH rolls under the ring...and comes back out with BARBED WIRE wrapped around the top of his sledgehammer arms! Triple H punches Lesnar in the gut with a barbed wire sledgehammer and Lesnar PUKES right in the middle of the ring because he has gut problems remember! But Triple H SLIPS on the puke and hits his head on a steel chair on the way down! This allows Lesnar to bring in a chair wrapped in barbed wire and hit HHH in the back and quads with it 28 times! But TRiple H comes back with a punch to the BALLS with the barbed wire sledgehammer then pedigrees him on the barbed wire chair! Triple H knows this won't get the win so he drags Lesnar out of the ring to give him a pedigree through the announce table but Lesnar REVERES to an F5 through TWO announce tables! Lesnar knows that won't be enough for the win though and spreads THUMBTACKS all over the ring and gives Triple H five belly to belly suplexs on the tacks...but then runs into a spinerbuster on the tacks! HHH then wraps Lesnar in barbed wire and gives him a spinebuster on the tacks with the barbed wire still around him! HHH knows that won't get the job done however so he lights one of his barbed wire sledgehammer fists on fire...but Lesnar BREAKS his other arm with a kamura! Heyman then rolls a STEEL TABLE into the ring and Lesnar prepares to F5 Hunter onto it but as he's swinging HHH in mid air HHH hits him in the back of the head with his flaming slegehammer fist (it's EXTRA BURNY FIRE!) Then he goes for the pedigree on top of the steel table but Lesnar backdrops him all the way from there to the floor and Heyman pulls the mat at the right moment and HHH lands on concrete! Lesnar then goes for a Shooting Star Press from the top rope to HHH who is lying on the concrete, but HHH rolls out of the way and Lesnar lands GUT FIRST on the concrete and VOMITS again and the vomit goes straight up twenty feet in the air and lands back in Lesnar's throat and he chokes! But when HHH picks him up Lesnar surprises him with a quick F5 through the concrete! But when Lesnar tries to pick HHH up HHH susprises HIM with a quick pedigree onto Lilian Garcia! Both men are exhausted at last and STRUGGLE up and Lesnar picks up the steps and CHARGES at HHH but HHH pulls a GIGANTIC STEEL SLEDGEHAMMER out from underneath Lilian's body and they hit each other AT THE SAME TIME! The referee is about to count them both down but they both get up at nine! Paul Heyman smashes A GIGANTIC CELL PHONE over HHH's head knocking him out and the match looks over until VINCE MCMAHON marches out, his hip completely healed, gives Heyman a bodyslam (JR: "BAH GAWD IT'S WRESTLEMANIA 3 ALL OVER AGAIN!") then FLIPS LESNAR THE BIRD and gives him THE STONE COLD STUNNER and Lesnar does a backflip selling it like The Rock selling for Austin! Obviously no one can get up from that and HHH gets the pin!
The Undertaker versus CM Punk - CM Punk come out cradling the Urn and it's glowing RED like BLOOD now and Punk has a new tattoo of SATAN on his back (Ned Flanders version of Satan,of course!) Then Punk says "last night I took the virginity of a seventeen year old girl! Don't worry, it was legal in the state I was in...BUT BARELY! Then me and the girl sacrificed A GOAT in front of the urn and filled the urn with goat blood and NOW I have access to ALL The Undertaker's powers HAHAHAH PIPE BOMB!" And rolls his eyes back in his head like only The Undertaker can do! Then Undertaker comes out for his entrace but he's SHAKEY and has to be supported by DRUIDS on the way to the ring! Then Undertaker gives Punk a chokeslam right away but Punk does a ZOMBIE SIT-UP then grabs Undertaker's arm and does the OLD SCHOOL ropewalk (instead of shouting "old school!" he shouts "Fantastic Four Rule!") to show that he has access to ALL of Undertaker's powers! Then Punk holds Undertaker in the Hell's Gate for TEN MINUTES as JR says "BAH GAWD IN SWEET HEAVEN THE STREAK IS ENDING BEFORE OUR VERY EYES. BUT NOT JUST THE STREAK, BAH GAWD IT'S AS IF HOPE IS ENDING, IT'S AS IF EVERYTHING GOOD IN THE WORLD FOR ANY GOD-FEARING CHRISTIAN IS DYING RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!" Just as the referee is about to drop Punk's hand for a third time the lights go out and PAUL BEARER'S VOICE says "OOOOOH, YESSSS!" Then when the lights come back on the Urn is glowing GREEN and JR says "GREEN! THE COLOUR OF THE UNDERTAKER! WHAT MUST HAVE HAPPENED IS THAT PAUL BEARER'S GHOST HAS POSSESSED THE URN AND GIVEN ITS POWER BACK TO THE UNDERTAKER!" and Lawler says "makes sense!" Then when Punk tries to pick up the Urn it BURNS HIS HANDS and he staggers around saying "oww, my hands have been burnt!" until he stumbles right into the hands of the The Undertaker who gives him a chokeslam (he can't do a tombstone anymore because both his knees are broken!) for the win!
The Rock versus John Cena - Before the match ZACH RYDER is shown on the front row (sitting next to Maryse!) holding a sign that reads "at least I'm on the show, bro!" Since everyone IN THE WORLD knows The Rock is going to get blown up they do FOUR double clothesline knockout spots to give the Rock time to rest! And they're all exciting double clotheslines becaseu they're running in different directions each time! Then finally Rock looks Cena in a deadly bearhug (a callback to Cena using that exciting move on Rock last year!) until suddenly CM PUNK comes out through P Diddy's special trap door holding a special microphone which has been designed to look like a pipe bomb! Punk says "So this is your main event, a man hugging another man. Wouldn't you much rather see fresh young talent like Tyson Kidd, Evan Air Bourne and even Zach Ryder here in the main event? They cancelled Z True Long Island Story to pay Rock's fee!" Then Ryder grabs the pipe bomb and says "Dude, bro, seriously bro, I'm just happy to be on the show, bro, wooo wooo broo!" And Punk looks angry and GRABS RYDER'S SIGN from him like he's going to tear it up but Rock sticks his head out of the ring to stop this (what a hero!) but Punk hits Rock with the sign and it makes a METALLIC THUD and Rock is knocked out! Ryder and Punk then SMILE EVILY and Punk teras the sign open to reveal a STOP SIGN inside except instead of saying "STOP" it says "ROCK" with a line through it! Thne Cena gets the win and looks CONFLICTED and can he live with himself tune into RAW to find out!
What a WrestleMania it's going to be! Back next year with more WrestleMania spoilerers see you then follow me on TWITTER!
I know the beloved dictator isn't terribly fond of this kind of stuff so I beg forgiveness in advance from the management, but I picked up a pair of tickets earlier this week and there's only one of me. The extra ticket is for 3rd row, section B.