OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that I have FULL and accurate spoilers for WerestleMaia 34! I have scizzooped ALL the biggest wrestling journalist in the world: Melter, Ross Sean Sock, Ryan Satan, David Mxyzptlk, ZRC and The Rick! These spoilers are SO accurate that if you read them all your enjoyment of WrestleMania 34 will be ruined so you better not read them! Of course your enjoyment will also be ruined by watching a seven hour show where Roman wins at the end, so you might as well just read the spoilers!
Andre The Giant Battle Royale - Surprise entrants include Booker T (Corey hides under the desk!), Gangrel, New Jack, and Drew McIntyre in a KILT, playing the BAGPIPES and debuting his new finisher THE HAGGIS TOSS (Roll of the Dice.) It comes down to McIntyre and Heath Slater versus The Revival and the crowd chant "3MB!" and "WE WANT JINDER" because they're Wrestlemania smarks! Then suddenly one of the Revival turns on the other (it doesn't matter which) and throws him out! This is because Vince decided the Revival look too much alike to be a tag team because it was confusing him! Slater throws out the remaining Revivaler and Drew throws out Slater but RHYNO is still at ringside (he was eliminated by Gangrel earlier!) and catches Slater and throws him back in! But then HORNSWOGGLE comes out from under the ring and gives Rhyno a low blow and Slater is so distracted by this that McIntyre can finally eliminate him to win! Then McIntyre says "that's right, ya bampots! Scotland and Ireland share a common border so that means me and my WEE MAN Hornswoggle are best friends and that means the Scotireland Connection will now dominate the WWE, GET IT UP YA BAWBAGS!" Then Hornswoggle drinks a whole pint of Guinness and the camera stays on him the whole time even though it takes five minutes.
Randy Orton versus Bobby Roode versus Jinder Mahal versus Rusev - US title match! To make up for him being on the pre show, the WWE buys Orton loads of guns he can thoughtlessly tweet pics of after school shootings! Bobby cuts a promo before the match where he says "I want all my fans to chant the word GLORIOUS constantly during the match!" as a way to trick the fans into not just cheering for heel Rusev, but he doesn't actually have any fans (they just like his song!) so it doesn't work. But then a planted fan throws a planted beach ball into the ring and Orton gives the beach ball an RKO FROM OUT OF NOWHERE to finally get the fans to cheer someone other than Rusev before Jinder puts him in a chinlock. Orton retains the title (he was promised the win to make up for having to wrestle Bray all those times last year!) by pinning Rusev clean with the RKO (for realism!) Jinder starts yelling at Rusev and calling him a loser after, but then Rusev TURNS FACE after by punching Jinder in the same way Andre the Giant punched Bobby Heenan, even though he's been cheered for the last four months anyway!
Cedric Alexander versus Mustafa Ali - Cruiserweight tournament final which is of course on the pre show because putting Austin Ares and Neville on the pre show last year did wonders for their WWE careers! Alexander is actually booked to win, but ten minutes into the match Vince looks at a monitor and it's the first time he's seen any of the cruiserweights (he lets Hunter handle the small people because they make him sick!) and he says "God damn it, pal, that Ali guy looks like he might be from Saudi Arabia! We've got a big show coming up over there for a lot of money, he better be booked to win. He isn't? CHANGE THE DAMN FINISH, DAMN IT!" And the ref screams "ALI'S GOING OVER" into Cedric's ear just as he's about to hit the match winning Lumbar Check so he has to awkwardly mess up the move so that Ali lands on top of him and gets the three! Then after the match Ali tells Vince he isn't from Saudi Arabia at all and Vince says "who are you again?"
The Bella Twins and Kid Rock sing America The Beautiful to open the show!
Alexa Bliss versus Nia Jax - Nia wins the title when Alexa goes for Code Red but Nia just kind of falls backwards onto her face and pins her and no one's sure if it's a botch or not but Nia was booked to win so the ref counts three anyway! But then CARMELLA comes out with her Money in the Bank briefcase and says "Yo! I'm cashing in on your BUTT right now!" And Nia just laughs and says "how do you expect to best me in combat, little one?" (That's how Nia talks starting from WM!) Then Carmella says "LIKE THIS!" and opens her briefcase and PURPLE KNOCKOUT GAS comes flying out right into Nia's face and knocks her out! Then the ref rings the bell to start the match even though Nia's still knocked out and the rule used to be that both had to be conscious at the start of the match and Carmella pins her to win! Then Corey Graves says on commentary "I wonder where she got that knockout gas from? Maybe her friend Enzo used to use it on his dates!" This is the start of a new angle where Corey says shocking shoot things which will continue the next night on RAW when he randomly yells "CHRIS BENOIT" during an Alicia Fox/Mickie James match and ends five minutes after that when Snickers threaten to pull sponsorship again!
The Usos versus New Day versus The Bludgeon Brothers - New Day are Kofi and Xavier, so Big E can squander his main event potential standing at ringside eating pancakes or some shit for another year. Harper and Rowan destroy everyone with POWER MOVES like big boots and big clotheslines and big back body drops! Just as they're about to win the lights go out and SPOOKY SWAMP MUSIC plays! When the lights come back on, BRAY WYATT comes up through a hole in the middle of the ring, dressed as a spooky swamp monster! Bray says "that's right, my children! I have been REBORN in my true form, the Swamp Monster Bray Wyatt, leader of the Swamp Wyatt Family. Now it is time for the two of you to come under the ring with me and get SWAMPY!" Harper and Rowan loook at each other and sigh and pull their MASSIVE HAMMERS out of their pants! They both swing their hammers at Bray's head but he drops back down the hole in the ring to stop his head being squashed and him dying! The hammers clang together and there's a big clanging noise and Harper and Rowan both cover their ears and while they're distracted by being deaf, Jimmy Uso and Xavier Woods roll one of them up each and the referee counts a double pin! This means Jimmy and Xavier are the tag champions now, somehow!
Kid Rock performs a ten minute concert while the hole in the ring is being repaired!
Unnamed Women's BattleRoyal - Corey says "winner gets the WOMB-en's trophy, if you know what I mean!" and winks to the camera! Mystery entrants include Peyton Royce (but not Billie Kay who is released from her contract when she arrives at the arena!), DAKOTA KAI (wearing a denim jacket during the whole match for some reason!) and DX Tori! Sasha and Bayley roll under the bottom rope brawling at the start and roll all the way under the ring! It comes down to Becky Lynch and the returing Alicia Fox and Alicia goes for a scissors kick but Becky catches her foot in mid air and throws her backwards by it and Alicia does a complete 360 twist over the top to the floor! Becky is celebrating ON THE ROPES when Sasha and Bayley come rolling back out from under the ring behind her and they really back up the steps and rolls all the way across the ring and bump into Becky and she falls over the top and is eliminated because of course Becky's not going to win! Then Becky is so mad that she pulls a table out from under the ring and sets it up at ringside and marches away! Bayley gives Sasha a Bayley to Belly over the top rope but Sasha hangs onto the rope to stop herself from falling thorugh the table. She begs Bayley to pull her back up but Bayley SMILES EVILY and KICKS Sasha's hand and Sasha falls through the table and Bayley is heel now! And Bayley SMAHES the tropy over Sasha's already unconscious body after (don't worry, the trophy ismade of chocolate so it doesn't hurt her!) and says "all the little girls who look up to me should smash things too!"
A sad Becky is walking backstage when Drew McIntyre and Hornswoggle come up to her and say "have you ever thought about joining the SCOTIRELAND CONNECTION..."
The Miz versus Finn Balor versus Seth Rollins - MARYSE comes out carrying what looks like a BABY but then she TOSSES the baby to Finn to distract him and MIz rolls him up for three! Then Miz and Maryse run backstage laughing and saying "now to visit our REAL baby!" Finn unraps the fake baby revealing it's just a load of kittens! He's so mad that he goes up to the top rope to give the kittens the Cup of Grace but Seth loves kittens so he shields them with his hot body and takes the double stomp right to the spine! This kicks off a one year feud between the two designed to keep them out of the main event!
AJ Styles versus Shinsuke Nakamura - AJ comes out with his knee in a HUGE BRACE and LIMPING and walking on CRUTCHES. Nakamura looks sad, but then AJ throws the crutches down and takes the huge brace off and throws that down! He pulls a copy of the Wrestling Observer out of his tights and says "all you SMARK SMARTS reading your DIRTY SHEETS thought I was injured? Well guess what, marks, I'm a million percent healthy and ready to fight!" Then the bell rings and AJ runs right at Shinsuke and Shinsuke gives him a Kingsasha knee to win in five seconds! Then after the match AJ puts his brace back on and walks back up the aisle slowly on crutches (Kid Rock plays a song to fill time!) because he really is injured!
The Bar versus Braun Strawman and ??????? (that means mystery partner!) - Strawman comes out and says "ROAR! I bet you all thought that Kurt Angle was going to force me to team with Elias, right? That would be the big surprise, Elias as my tag partner. Well guess what, that aint't going to happen! I didn't want to team with Elias, because he's a PUNK, so I MURDERED him and now he's dead! Roll the footage!" And then footage plays of a camera man going into a house and you see Elias lying in bed but he's not moving and there's a cop there and the cop checks Elias and says "Holy shit, this man is dead! Elias the Drifter is dead...and he's been murdered!" Then Braun smiles and says "ROAR! No tag partner for me because he's dead, I get to do it alone!" But before he can go to the ring, Kurt Angle interrupts and says "Now hold on there! I have a match to prepare for, but I'm still the GM and I can't let you wrestle if you've just commited murder! I have to suspend you for ONE WEEK as punishment! So this match is called off!" Then Braun says "ROAR! Actually, how about my GOOD FRIENDS take on The Bar instead!" and HEAVY MACHINERY from NXT come out!
The Bar versus Heavy Machinery - Heavy Machinery win in ten seconds because we're running low on time!
Kid Rock comes out to play again but Braun grabs him and says "ROAR! These people paid to see me powerslam somebody!" and powerslams Kid Rock through the stage! But then they have to repair the hole in the stage which takes ten minutes so Kid Rock no sells the powerslam and plays another concert while the stage is being repaired.
Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon versus Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn - Shane works the matche but he hasn't been cleared to do anything so Sami and Kevin tag in and out for ten minutes putting him in chinlocks! Finally Zayn trips over Shane's sleeping body while tring to tag out and Brayn drags Shane to his corner and tags himself in! Then Bryan instantly hits the ropes...and gives the Knee Plus to Shane! The fans groan because they think he's just turned heel but Bryan then gives a DOUBLE Knee Plus to Sami and Kevin, one knee in each face! Bryan then pulls a CONTRACT out of his tights and says "Hey Vince! Remember earlier today when I signed a new contract? Well take a closer look!" The camera zooms in revealing that Bryan actually signed "Justin Roberts' tie" instead of his name! "That's right, I'm not under contract to the WWE anymore! And I am LEAVING the WWE for something new!" - the fans chant "ALL IN, ALL IN!" - "I am leaving to join the company with the BEST wrestlers in the world!" - the fans chant "NEW JAPAN, NEW JAPAN!" - "I am leaving to go to the promotion where I got started!" - the fans chant "ROH, ROH!" - "That's right, you guessed it! I am going back...to NXT!" Then he runs up the aisle saying "N X T!" instead of "Yes!" and Sami and Kevin win by countout! This is because Bryan is going to NXT for a year to give Roman time to get over as the champion without Bryan around!
Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle versus Triple H and Stephanie McMahon - A holgram of Lemmy sings Triple H and Stephanie to the ring, because Hunter isn't going to have Kid Fuckig Rock do his entrance! Stephanie dominates Ronda in the ring and Cole explains it's because Steph is more experienced at sports entertaining! Ronda gets a LUCKY armbar in out of nowhere but Steph reaches the ropes and NEVER TAPS OUT (this is to set up a one hour iron woman match between them at WM35!) Ronda is DQed for not breaking the hold because she doesn't know the rules! Then Triple H says "Hold on Kurt, this match is now an ELIMINATION match which means I get to kick your bald old broken-necked bald ass, bitch!" HHH goes to give Angle the Pedigree but Stephanie saves by giving Hunter a low blow(!) and says "that's right, PAUL. Back in 2000 me and Kurt were getting it on and now we're going to get it on again on your GRAVE!" But Kurt looks confused and says "hold on, Steph, the only women I cheated on my wife with back in 2000 were all black women!" Steph smiles evily and kicks Kurt in the balls and Triple H pops up unhurt (Steph missed his balls by milimetres!) and gives Kurt the Pedigree to win and it was a set up all along! This starts an angle where Kurt goes into depression because everyone thinks he's dumb and they replace him with Jeff Jarrett as RAW GM and Kurt and Jeff have a match at SummerSlam under TNA rules!
The Undertaker versus John Cena - Kid Rock come out to sing American Badass for Taker like everyone predicted but suddenly LIMP BIZKIT run on stage and throw Kid Rock off through two tables and start singing the superior song "ROLLIN'" to a huge pop! Then Undertaker comes out ON A HORSE because MIchelle McCool has taught him how to ride horses! Cole says "HE'S THE PALE HORSEMAN OF DEATH" even though Taker is dressed as a cowboy and has a tan. For Cena's traditional WM entrance, a tube of water is lowered from the rafters reaching from the stage to the ring and Cena SWIMS all the way to the ring! Cole says it's a metaphor but doesn't say what for. Taker can't take any bumps so Cena just puts him in the STF and doesn't even cinch back on it! Taker gets out and hits a JUMPING SPINNING TOMBSTONE (don't worry, he's wearing extra padded COWBOY JEANS so his knees don't shatter on impact!) but doesn't go for the pin because this wasn't actual a match and really there was no point to it so he just walks backstage leaving Cena in the ring like he left his hat last year! Then eventually DRUIDS (song to the ring by Kid Rock singing a druidic song!) come to the ring and carry Cena away but Cena does the "you can't see me" right before they go through the curtain and this means he'll be back to normal when he randomly returns in four months to beat Finn Balor on RAW just as Balor's starting to get over again.
Charlotte versus Asuka - Asuka's mask is a perfect recreation of her own face! Vince ordered this match go on here to give the fans a bathroom break before Roman time. Charlotte has a big mouthguard on to protect her precious gums but Asuka kicks it right off but it his the referee in the eyes! While the ref is blndied, a TINY WOMAN in a mask goes to the top rope and hits Asuka with a beautiful flying elbow! Charlotte gets the pin to end the streak! Then the masked woman takes her mask off to reveal KAIRI SANE and Charlotte looks shocked at first but then LAUGHS EVILY and hugs her! Charlotte explains "My Dad Ric Flair knew that to beat an Asian, wooo, you've got to ally yourself with an Asian! Just like he got The Great Mutant's help to beat Kenta "The Dragon" Misawa back in 1989, I got Kairi's help to beat Asuka, wooo, and when Kairi inevitably turns on me and goes for my title it won't matter because she's so small that I'll just snap her legs, wooo!" and does a terrible strut!
Brock Lesnar versus Roman Reigns - JIM ROSS returns to a huge pop and says "FOLKS, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I SAID I'D NEVER CALL ANOTHER WRESTLING MATCH AGAIN, I HAVEN'T CALLED EVEN ONE MATCH SINCE THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE WITH THE WWE, FOLKS, BUT IN FORTY FIVE YEARS IN THIS BUSINESS, I AIN'T NOT NEVER SEEN NO DAMN TALENT AS DAMN TALENTED AS THE BIG DAWG, ROMAN REIGNS! BAH GAWD HE'S BETTER THAN MY BEST FRIEND STONE COLD AND DOCTOR DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS PUT TOGETHER AND MULTIPLIED BY A HUNDRED AND I DON'T SAY THAT LIGHTLY, FOLKS!"
Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman come out wearing CANADIAN FLAGS. Lesnar talks(!) saying "that's right you American dogs! I live in CANADA now, the greatest socialist country in the world! We don't even have guns there!" and waits for the fans to boo. When they don't boo Heyman says "And he hates the troops!" and the fans finally boo him and JR says "WHAT A RAT BASTARD, I TELL YOU!" Before Roman comes out THE ROCK appears on the Titan Tron! Rock says "Howdy, fellas! I'm here on the set of my new movie! It's going to be a fun time, I fight robots on the moon or something! I don't actually know the plot because the script isn't written yet, but we've been filming for days and it's going to be great! I'm here to ENDORSE Roman Reigns, my great cousin and a great man! He's better than RIkishi, even! But don't just take my word for it, my co star agrees!" Then WILL SMITH appears next to The Rock and says "That's right! I love Romans! Itally's such a great country! But it's not just me who endorses the Romans, my friend CARLTON does too!" And Carlton appears on screen doing the Carlton dance in support of Roman!
Before Roman comes out again, another video starts playing! A man appears on screen and says "Hello, I am the famous filmmaker JONNY BRAVO. For months now I have been waiting to release evidence that Roman Reigns bought drugs from Ricardo Rodriguez. Soe have doubted me, but at last, here at WrestleMania, I can finally debut my moive! I give to you...Roman Reigns buying drugs from Ricardo Rodriguez!" And then footage starts to play of Roman walking down a DARK ALLEY where famous DRUG DOCTOR Ricardo Roriguez is standing with a big doctor's bag full of drugs! Roman says "I need you to sell me the drugs, man!" Rodriguez says "I can't, they're illegal, your government won't let them be sold!" Roman says "But I need to buy them...FOR THE CHILDREN! Those children I visited on one of my make a wish duties for the WWE are DYING OF CANCER! They can be cured with these experimental new illegal drugs! I don't care what the law says, man, a child's life is more important! Sell me the drugs!" Rodriguez says "Well, okay...but they'll cost you two million dollars!" Roman just hands him the money IMMEDIATELY and grabs the bag of drugs and walks away and the camera pulls back to reveal him walking towards A CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL! It cuts back to the arena and JR says "BAH GAWD, WHAT A BIG HEART THAT ROMAN HAS, TRYING TO SAVE THE LIVES OF CHILDREN, AND FOLKS I JUST HEARD FROM THE HOSPITAL THAT ALL THEM KIDS, SOME OF THE SICKLIEST DAMN KIDS THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN, ARE NOW IN REMISSION, THANKS TO ROMAN, WHAT A PHENOM!"
Finally it's time for Roman to come out and he's draped in the AMERICAN FLAG and runs all the way to the ring and points at Brock and Brock GULPS. Heyman distracts Roman and Brock SNEAKS up behind him and gives him the F-5! But Roman kicks out at ONE and JR says "BAH GAWD! IN THE TWENTY YEARS BROCK HAS BEEN USING THAT MOVE, NOT ONE DAMN PERSON HAS EVER KICKED OUT, LET ALONE AT ONE!" Then a BROWN STAIN appears on Brock's tights! Roman launches a spear at him as JR says "KILL HIM, ROMAN, END HIS MISERABLE LIFE!" and when the spear hits the RING EXPLODES (Kane's pyro goes off and a crewman quickly pulls one of the ring posts away so it falls on one side) and it cuts to the outside where you see the whole Superdome shaking (Kevin Dunn just shakes the camera)! JR says "WRESTLING HAS PEAKED, LIFE HAS PEAKED, THERE WILL NEVER BE A GREATER MOMENT THAN THIS, BAH GAWD I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND I DON'T EVEN CARE, GAGH..." and then doesn't say anything else!
If Roman's still booed the show quickly goes off the air as soon as the three is counted and he comes out on RAW and says "okay I'm a heel."
Drew McIntyre actually would be a good choice to win the battle royal.
George Michael weighed his options. Maeby had chastised him for not taking risks, and what would be a bigger risk than perpetuating a lie about software just to ignite the passions of a woman? Of course it would be a lie, and since Maeby wouldn't know it was a lie, he wouldn't appear to be taking a risk. Perhaps the bigger risk was to tell his father he was lying, that he came up with it because he wanted his father to leave so he could enjoy what remained of his senior year. After all, he wondered, wouldn't that be the course of action taken by an overtly sexual man, a man who owns a pair of matador pants? He had not responded now for 41 seconds according to his unfailing internal clock, and it was time to come clean.
The problem with that is that it's difficult to get a psychopath to do face-type stuff, while at the same time few wrestling fans want to boo a pseudo-lesbian. Some occasional references would be fun though.